Am I being immature ?

[Ateam2018]

My partner had an almost affair :(
He was messaged his friends sister about meeting up for a date, I stopped them before they went on the date, but for me the betrayal still hurt.

His friends now getting married meaning his sister will be there. I can’t handle seeing his sister after her trying to steal my partner :( (yes she knew about me.) I have said I don’t want us going to the wedding, or if we do I won’t feel comfortable with him talking to his friends sister ! Is this me being very immature ? I really hate the thought of the two of them talking at the wedding :( is it reasonable after his betrayal for me to ask him to ignore her ? I don’t see why he needs to talk to her now - they aren’t friends and weren’t friends.

Because I doubt him meeting her “as friends” and her flirting and trying so hard to get with him would have gone well. He didn’t tell me he was going to another girl - he said he didn’t tell me because he knew that wouldn’t go down well. He admitted what he did was very bad and he shouldn’t have entertained it. I think he must have been tempted or he wouldn’t have ended up saying he would meet her at all and keeping it from me ?

I would not meet up with a man who’s obviously trying to flirt with me. That’s why I said he almost had an affair possibly, I’ll never know though- but this isn’t what the post was asking. I know he did wrong and he’s lucky I stayed. I wanted to know what I should do in the future with this awkward wedding invite !

How did you find out? I would feel very let down by his behaviour regarding this. For me, there would be trust issues and I would feel anxious and be second questioning his future behaviour. I know it’s easy for me to say but I would find it hard to forgive (they generally say any old sh** when their back is against the wall). If you want to carry on, be cautious and pull back a little.

I get what you are saying. But he isn't that stupid. That's why he hid it.

He is playing the 'it's innocent' card. No way is he that naive.

I do agree and thank you for the thoughts on it- I’d say the same to a friend in my boat too. But I have no plans to leave him. I just want to get this friends wedding over with and handle seeing that girl the best I can ! Somehow haha. :)

Yes he is totally playing the innocent card, he is lucky his messages were not flirty back. But he failed at saying no to meeting her for a drink! Big error ! I know he’s not innocent - and he admits that and said he should never have been messaging her or arranging a drink. Hopefully he means it.
My dilemma a while later is facing this girl ! I think from the feedback here I should face her with him then and try and feel happy and forget about it, I can’t control him, If he wanted her he will go off with her - he could easily make contact with her again and lie to me, that’s up to him. But I don’t think that’s realistic and I’d like to just be able to be mature and face her and put it behind us

What do you think will happen if he chats to her? That they'll sail off into the sunset?!

As I said earlier - realistically even if they chat no he’s not going off in the sunset with her and this all happened a long while ago. It’s just uncomfortable for me x

It’s more I don’t want to see her. I will find it hard being friendly and saying hello to the girl who tried to flirt / did flirt with my guy and who asked him out etc knowing about me / she has no girl code !! I’m a girls girl x

I wouldnt let him go alone, not because i wouldnt trust him but sitting at home while he is there with drive u crazy x

I think I will attend with him, I wouldn’t have say at home though alone if I hadn’t have gone I’d have gone out with friends

I don’t understand how it matters that he didn’t actually cheat with her, when you’ve said if you hadn’t found out and intervened he would have met up with her? Surely if the only thing that stopped him cheating was being caught talking to her it’s cold comfort that he didn’t get to physically be with her?

The fact that he’s planning to go and isn’t putting respecting you above attending this wedding when he is the one who fucked everything up is telling. I don’t think he’s remorseful, and I do think he knows he can act how he likes and get away with it now you’ve forgiven this.

I have forgiven as I’ve said - the post was about whether I go to the wedding. He’s offered to give it a miss so I don’t worry- but I don’t want to dictate his life in this way I was us all to move on so avoiding her I’m trying to not do that, it’s happened, we have moved on. If he still was tempted he could have left me long ago or messaged her again. I’m not about being negative , I am trying to be positive and I think personally trying to handle something maturely is key even when I’m worrying :)
Thank you for your thoughts but as I’ve said - I take on board some ladies would have left him, I’m not one of them. Sometimes people do make awful mistakes and do regret them- sometimes ! I myself have done the same in the past and very much would never ever make the mistakes again !

You can’t say 100% if he had met her for a drink anything would have happened, no one could say that. It’s all opinion. I’ve come on here and said it was hurtful and that I’m now about moving on, in fact I had moved on and it’s not been an issue for over a year and a half until now she will be at same place same time :) ... but think I’ve made mind up that I’ll go with him and not spoil his friends wedding by us not going. The fact is nothing happened apart from some text messages and they could have been so so much worse !!!! I’m not defending it as what he did was very hurtful and disrespectful however I have chosen to forgive a year and a half ago so now is not the time to be saying I need to leave him and not trust again, I went through the untrusting stage and I came out with regained trust. I want to stay with him, and I want to face her with a smile :) so that’s my aim, I’ll try not to make much small talk

I think you need to go in with the attitude that 'yes you made a move on my man knowing that he was taken, but guess what we got over it and he has chosen me over you.'

Also, if your paths crossed, act like you don't know who she is, why should she stop you going somewhere because of her and your partners poor behaviour?

Thank you for a positive comment understanding the situation - that’s spot on how I hope I can handle this :) thank you

I think you need to take control of the situation.

Go. Spend a bit of time getting ready so you're looking and feeling your best. Set the ground rules with DH that out of respect for you, he should not be approaching her and will stay by your side.

You have the moral high ground here, she's the one who should be feeling nervous! If she dares approach you, I'd suggest being as haughty as anything, something like 'well you've got a nerve!' or a simple 'fuck off' would suffice!

I don't think it's appropriate to even be risking a bust up with the sister of the groom at your Dp's friends wedding. And it doesn't sound like it would be remotely enjoyable either. No point going if you don't have a good time. I'm sure DP can manage alone.

Although I am not happy with this girl for her lack of girl code towards me - I wouldn’t go to start any conflict, my ideal would be i just wave and don’t speak to the girl haha

Thank you- you’re right actually, I can imagine now thinking of my feet in her shoes - she would be worrying about meeting me ! After what she did ! She almost broke us up (and yes so did my partner !) I got apologies from him, never from her. It was her doing the messaging and asking, even after he told her he’s in a relationship... she prob wouldn’t want to be seeing me either I guess ! So maybe that’s enough for me to sit there smiling :)

Honestly if I were in her shoes, the most insulting/devastating way you could respond would be by being completely neutral to warm. Don’t try approach her or act like a friend, but do give her a warm smile and if she tries to talk to you speak to her as if nothing happened. It shows she’s no threat to you and that you’re so secure and happy with your partner you couldn’t really care less who she is or what she does. Just be so above it. I’d feel very small if the partner of a man I tried to cheat with treated me like I was insignificant or not worth her energy and feel like I was being pitied. Much more effected and withering than being nasty and letting her see she’s got to you. Have a vague air of pity, like poor you you had to stoop so low as to trying it on with another woman’s partner and he still didn’t go for it!

It’s game playing sure and childish but if you want to pre plan how to act to make it less nerve wracking I reckon that’s the best approach.

I agree with basque x

Thank you - anything to get me through it so I don’t seem silly! I can’t help but not want to see the girl. I am now going - so I’ll just smile and be pleasant if we are near them :) thank you I am glad I didn’t reject the invite x

Jesus, you trust him after what he has just done to you, no, no, no, he has to now earn that trust back, he would most certainly have cheated on you and with his friend's sister, that's lovely, both talking about you behind your back; him and his mate sound delightful.

You are being a complete pushover, sorry if you don't want to hear that; he was actively seeking either sex or a relationship start up with someone else whilst being with you, of course he would have went through with it, wise up.

Why does he want to go, he should be fucken mortified at his behaviour and out of respect for you, declining the invite; at least until all this has actually blown over which could take years!

You are going to a wedding where him, his mate and his sister were actively going behind your back to betray you and take the piss, nah, sorry, you're going to go and put yourself through that torture for what, to save his fucken face?

Sorry to sound harsh but honestly, you are just playing along with him and it's all going in his favour, he gets to have no favours at the moment, he's lucky you stayed with him, you got that right.

I’m sorry but in the past I’ve met up with guys but I didn’t cheat, I met them and realised what I was doing and didn’t do anything. He could have easily got rid of me and got with her - he didn’t. This was ages ago too, he’s made up for it and earned my trust back already. Also he did not go after her, she contacted him first - saying she got his number from her brother. Then asked him out. He said he had a girlfriend and said no, then she got him to agree to meet with his friend (her brother) but he still said it’d be as friends. Then (of course) the friend / brother wasn’t going to go too, so looks like would have been the two of them, but I saw with my own eyes he was actually saying it could only be as friends.
No one can say for certain what he would or WOULDNT have done anything.
But the fact is- he didn’t cheat on me, what he did was message a girl when he shouldn’t have. He can easily cheat on me and leave me. He made a load of effort after letting me down doing this and still makes a load of effort. I have no reason to wish I’d left him. I’m glad I gave him a second chance - if he does it again there won’t be a third. Sometimes people can change - I agree some don’t - but some do. If I am happy with him then that’s actually all that matters, if I can attend this wedding and be there for him so he doesn’t let his friend down then that’s the ideal outcome, I don’t want to punish him for this anymore - I had my words with him and he won me back over. I acted like he had cheated - I did leave him at the time and made him beg and really grovel believe me ! Some women are true push overs even after being cheated on again and again. I don’t think I’ve been a push over, he didn’t touch her. It was just some shit messages and stupid descions on his behalf - prob thought he would get away with seeing if he liked her , maybe he would have dumped me before doing anything- it’s all what ifs that I don’t need to think about cause I made the choice to stay with him - the good way out weighed the bad and this slip up.
I know people who have screwed up and been forgiven and totally not taken it for granted. If you don’t have faith then you’ll never know. I’m happy I’m going to be there at this wedding now after thinking on it last night and yesterday - I didn’t want to at first but that’s a shame for me and for him to not get to go just cause of someone insignificant in our past? I’ve moved on, I don’t like what she did but it didn’t ruin our relationship we worked through it- which is actually really positive. I am proud of how I handled it and I’m proud I’ve made the choice to go and face her - he’s with me, not her. He chose to stay with me and make it all up to me etc. That was up to him- I let him go - and she wanted him, he could have easily got with her when I told him to go and be with her. You need to think hard before writing off something very important to you, as it could have been a huge mistake to get rid if he never screws up again ! ! Sorry but some people can be sorry and mean it. End of.

I hope I can go and be civil and mature and I’m not there worrying about whether she will come over and make another move on him or message him again lol.