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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner that constantly complains

88 replies

MagicFlyingPony · 14/11/2018 15:59

Does anyone have any tips for living with someone that complains a lot? I want to stay in the relationship as he does have some good points but I don't think I can take the moaning anymore. I spend the evenings after dinner in a different room now as I just can't take the constant negativity.

Yesterday was a particularly bad day...

Had the usual moan about work upon arriving home
Complained about the hard boiled egg I'd made for his lunch, apparently it "tasted like shit" because I'd had trouble peeling it and it still had that funny little membrane that sits under the shell and he is "never eating any of my eggs again".
Then complained most of the way through dinner, the sausages were "tasteless" and "tasted of nothing" (they were Tesco Finest Cumberland Sausages and tasted quite nice to me), he didn't like the taste of the cabbage and it was not pre-cut into small enough strips (he didn't eat most of that).
I think he then realised I was sending him death glares after the fourth or fifth dinner-related complaint so said "thank you for dinner darling" in a sickly sweet voice and did make me a cup of tea after dinner.
Then complained that the kitchen floor is still dirty (it is, but we both live here, we both work, I do more than 50% of the house work and he hadn't cleaned it either).
Complained about feeling cold the whole evening, didn't bother putting a jumper on though.
I had left a box of his clean clothes on the bed for him to put away, he complained it was too late in the evening to put things away so I said fine, do it another day then and moved it to the floor. Then he complained that he will trip over it in the night if it is left there, even though it wasn't really in the way, so I moved it to the foot of the bed. Then he complained that he will trip over it even more there so I put it on the chair in the bedroom which is piled high with his clothes that he has worn once and thinks he might want to wear again. Then he complained that he didn't want his clothes to get squashed/messed up (even though they are in a massive messy pile) so I moved it again.

Any tips for getting the complaining to stop? Not sure how much more I can take...

OP posts:
Threewheeler1 · 14/11/2018 17:28

Oh OP, he sounds like an absolutely pathetic whiny tosser.
What do you see in him?
Sorry to be blunt but you don't deserve that crap.

dontgobaconmyheart · 14/11/2018 17:28

I think the 'complaining' is the least of your problems OP. How on earth did you end up in the position of being a not-even-glorified housekeeper for someone that not only expects it and doesn't appreciate it, but talks to you like dirt. He sounds rude pathetic and sexist, and i'd struggle to be attracted to him let alone cook his bloody dinner.
There's more to life OP, he can do that stuff himself, he's just a rude knob who doesn't really care about your feelings so long as he gets things done for him.
I don't think you need tips on how to weather what a draining person he is so much as tips on why you'd want to, or why you need to. What does he do to make you happy? Is it the same effort you're making? Would you speak to him this way?

Threewheeler1 · 14/11/2018 17:30

dontgobaconmyheart
Exactly this.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 14/11/2018 17:32

Stop doing so much for him. If he moans about that then explain you can't be doing with him moaning about it.

Sounds depressing.

bigballss · 14/11/2018 17:33

I did have a little chuckle but on a serious note you probably need to sit him down and tell him how he is coming across as maybe he hasn't realised ( I don't know how it's possible) but men never cease to amaze me.

bigballss · 14/11/2018 17:34

And tell him where he can stick his Cumberland sausage next time he criticises dinner

RyderWhiteSwan · 14/11/2018 17:38

Stop being such a doormat ffs.

Dirtybadger · 14/11/2018 17:39

The problem isn't his moaning. He's a lazy fuck, that's the problem. And rude and ungrateful! Do you feel he appreciates everything you do for him or respects you?

He couldn't move a box of his own clothing? I am just imagining him watching you "left a bit. No right a bit. NO TOO FAR".

Honestly even a toddler could move their clothes themself if they were in the way.

ChimesAtMidnight · 14/11/2018 17:40

Yes, this: Stop being such a doormat ffs

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 14/11/2018 17:47

God are you so desperate for a man that this ungrateful sack of shite is good enough for you?

beachcomber243 · 14/11/2018 18:52

OP, moaning is someone saying they had a bad day at work, they are feeling too hot/cold, they aren't happy with the car, they don't feel like mowing the lawn, they don't want to go the shops in the rain.

What your partner is doing is verbally attacking you, criticising you, being obtuse and argumentative, being sarcastic and generally digging at you at every opportunity. This is emotional abuse and will escalate. I would get out if I were you.

He doesn't think you're good enough for him, Is he good enough for you? The answer has to be NO.

Thebluedog · 14/11/2018 19:11

Fuck me sudeways OP WHY are you pandering to him..

Stop making him lunch
Stop making him tea
Stop doing his laundry

Why the he’ll didn’t he move his own clothes if he thought they were in the way!

I was married to a moaning, negative bloke git and it drove me up the wall but he wasn’t lazy, I’d throw yours out the window and get a replacement

VioletCharlotte · 14/11/2018 19:22

So what are his good points?

ravenmum · 14/11/2018 19:31

I had left a box of his clean clothes on the bed for him to put away
Stop cleaning his clothes and the problem is solved.

Wait til the weekend, when he is feeling rested and in a better mood. Say you'd like to have a glass of wine and a chat. Then when he is happily sipping the wine say something along the lines of "I'm worried about you and worried about our marriage, because you don't seem to be happy lately" and take it from there. If you frame it as him expressing unhappiness rather than him moaning - and as you being scared about his dissatisfaction rather than being pissed off with him moaning - that could actually get him to talk properly rather than being defensive.

You have to try to get him to talk properly to you, both as equal adults, not as adversaries. Either that or have a huge show-down and walk out. Either of those methods could possibly get him to listen to what you are saying.

SabineUndine · 14/11/2018 19:33

Get earplugs.

Go out on the tiles.

Come home bladdered.

You might as well, he's going to moan anyway.

Nettletheelf · 14/11/2018 19:38

Mumsnet at its best.

Did he disappear for a week in August 2017? If so I think he might be leading a double life as my husband and might be the subject of my thread, “Anybody else on holiday with a miserable bastard?”, which made the Daily Mail, the Express and The Sun.

user1484424013 · 14/11/2018 19:40

He should be ashamed. My husband did it complain once and I mean this not once recieveing radiotherapy and chemotherapy. Passing out. Vomiting. Shitty skin peeling. Night sweats. Not being able to eat or swallow. Not once did he complain. Your fella I'm sorry in my opinion is a class a twat.

Nettletheelf · 14/11/2018 19:42

Really like the “what’s wrong NOW?” advice, by the way.

Is he fed up about something else (e.g. the world not being arranged according to his precise specifications)?

I think that 70% of them have miserable bastard tendencies, which have to be challenged immediately. Start calling him Victor Meldrew. Or poison him?

UnderTheSleepingBaby · 14/11/2018 20:05

He is not complaining, he is criticising. My husband complains (about work, about the state of the world, about having colds etc) which gets annoying enough when there is a lot of it, he should not be constantly complaining about things you are doing, that makes him a dick!

Stop doing any of it at all and see if that helps, or tell him he's being a dick, but don't keep putting up with it!

HereIgoagainxx · 14/11/2018 20:15

You are doing way too much for him and as a result he is taking you for granted.

I'd tell him to make his own lunch in future and if he is that fussy about his dinner to cook his own.

Then say he can wash and put his own clothes away as you both work and we're doing his as a favour.

I'd then get dressed up to the nines, grab a friend and go out for a few hours and leave him to sulk.

He is a pain in the arse, but I think you know that.

anonkneemouse · 14/11/2018 20:24

Tomorrow do and say everything he did yesterday and when he moans show him this thread!

wizzywig · 14/11/2018 20:26

If you make a comment that he is moaning, then he will start with 'i cant even say anything in my own house'. I know as im married to an expert whiner

Scotchpie84 · 14/11/2018 20:32

Agree with above posts regarding not doing so much for him. It doesn't sound like he's doing much in return for you.

He may just have got into a habit of whining and criticising and not realising he's doing it. My OH was a bit like that, moaning the house was a mess, (we both work and most of the mess is his lol) until finally I told him if he didn't like the mess he could bloody well clean it up himself. It worked- I wouldn't say he did that much of the domestic stuff but at least he doesn't criticise me any more!

I'd sit down with him when he's in a good mood and explain that the criticism makes you feel unhappy. Ask him why he does it. You may be surprised- he may not realise he's doing it and be ultra apologetic.

If he won't see reason, I'd do as above and let him do all his own cooking/shopping/laundry. And if he kicked off about that, I'd walk. You deserve better.

Sparkletastic · 14/11/2018 20:34

Are you married? I'd leave him. He sounds like a miserable cunt who enjoys trying to diminish you.

Ullupullu · 14/11/2018 20:37

This is not normal, OP. For whatever reason you think men talk like this to women but decent men don't. The "jokey" replies to this just normalise this behaviour. It's awful.