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Relationships

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Original poster

Deed of trust when married

125 replies

Mercier1 · 13/11/2018 23:33

Hi everyone.
Tomorrow I’ll be exchanging on a house my husband and I are buying. We currently live in his house he bought six years ago with parental help for the deposit. We moved in together when he bought it and I’ve always contributed to the mortgage and bills. We decided on a ratio in line with who earned more. We were soon engaged, got married, have a baby and another on the way.

We’ve decided to move on and the next house is in both names. I will be contributing 10k or so to the purchase but obviously my husband has a lot more equity now and more cash from his parents (he says 80K) between both lump sums they have gifted him/us.

Tonight final paperwork is coming across and lawyer drops in a letter about if we want to draw up a deed of trust to protect my husbands investment in case anything went wrong. I don’t know how I feel about this. We are a married couple and I’m about to give birth to his second child. That entails a loss of earnings/mat leave etc. In the future I imagine I will have money to put into the house, an inheritance maybe one day of my own.

I feel weird signing a deed of trust as a married woman. But then I guess it’s a huge sum on money and we have been going through a difficult time lately so I can imagine what my husbands thoughts might be tonight.

We exchange tomorrow so it’s prob too late but anyone got experience or insight for me?

OP posts:

thinkingcapon · 14/11/2018 14:21

Totally agree notacluewhatthisis x

Thebluedog · 14/11/2018 14:23

It’s nice to hear your dh will continue without it. You do also need to protect yourself too by getting into a reliable financial position, either career wise or other) In your position I’d not take his inheritance if divorce was on the cards, but I may think differently if I’d forgone my career and potential earnings to look after the dc and family etc.

But it is a sad state of affairs if this is now legally coming up in married couples (I knew it did if you were moving in without being married)

Original poster

Mercier1 · 14/11/2018 14:33

I have made strides to improving my financial position but I don’t keep any additional earnings away from my husband. It’s not that easy to go up the career ladder while having kids and working pt. I also can only do my job where I currently work ( regional city) so ... unless I commute for a role something that won’t work for family life I’m not sure how else I can improve my lot.

OP posts:

lifebegins50 · 14/11/2018 14:36

If you separated the assets wouldcbe housed but the focus os on housing the children it really is 50/50 starting point which accounts for pensions as well.

You can resassure him that studies prove women are worse off post divorce and men better off...it's a myth that women skip off with the house and all the money. I don't know one single mum who is managing whereas the men do ok.

I had a deed pre marriage to protect my equity as my contribution was multiple times ex's. It didnt matter at all during tbe divorce, despite him also earning x8 what I did. He got 50% which meant the marriage cost me but that is the risk you face when you marry and have children.

lifebegins50 · 14/11/2018 14:37

sorry for typo. The assets would be halved.

another20 · 14/11/2018 15:20

This is not the time for an ill informed, emotionally charged, financial carve up decision.

It can wait until you have had your baby and are settled.

The current home doesn’t sound 100% his if you were married during that time, you contributed and his parents said the gift is to both of you.

However it is a “red flag” that your DH is feeling uneasy in the marriage - maybe just overwhelmed with baby no2, house buying/selling and tension in the relationship - explore this - might be nothing, might pass by in time - or it might be worth investing in some couples therapy - that would have a much greater pay back for you all in the long run.....

Exchange, don’t sign and look forward to your new home and baby. Good luck

user1457017537 · 14/11/2018 15:29

A deal is a deal. If his parents invested then their money should be protected in the event of a break-up

Mitzimaybe · 14/11/2018 15:30

He feels vulnerable but you're the one who has lost earnings and career advancement in order to raise his children so you're vulnerable too.

ErickBroch · 14/11/2018 15:32

Protect the initial money his parents gave him, not the equity from the house he sold and you contributed towards?? So if his parents gave him £20k as a gift, fine, he can get that back first if you split. But I can't understand how when you contributed for years and had his kids, that ALL of the equity from the house being sold should go to him? Bizarre

Original poster

Mercier1 · 14/11/2018 17:08

All equity isn’t going to him it’s going to the new purchase which we are completing together @erickbroach

OP posts:

Original poster

Mercier1 · 14/11/2018 17:09

Yes we have done a bit of relate councilling but not recently. We seem to do it whenever I am pregnant unfortunately. Ugh. It’s really difficult, there’s a lot of stress right now. I’d love our relationship to be a bit stronger

OP posts:

TheBigBangRocks · 14/11/2018 18:02

I'd be urging my son or daughter to protect their assets when so unequal. I'm a big fan of pre nups though and hope they become legal in the U.K.

I don't go for all the "growing his baby" rubbish though. Men can't get pregnant so unless paying a surrogate to carry a child for them then it's just two adults choosing to become pregnant. Both can share maternity leave and neither has to suffer a loss on pensions, salary and etc but often choose to as they want to stop working or drop hours.

HeckyPeck · 14/11/2018 18:15

He feels vulnerable but you're the one who has lost earnings and career advancement in order to raise his children so you're vulnerable too.

This. I would not sign. Not in a million years!

PinsPegs · 14/11/2018 18:27

Why don't you agree to have a deed of trust to cover the money that the parents have contributed but not the money that your husband has personally bought into the relationship. Not sure if this is a good suggestion but it seems like a compromise .

Another suggestion would be for the extra money be ring-fenced for your children somehow. Maybe put in trust for them or something.

We will be giving our DCs enough money to buy themselves houses. I would hope but not insist that they protect their money. It will be there money to do what they want with but if they were to lose half of it it in a divorce I'd be gutted. My DH and I worked really hard for that money and I would want it to go towards my own child or grand children I'd want them to also be very fair to their partners too.

I also agree with previous posters who say that you should make sure you are not putting yourself at risk by not maximising your earnings.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 14/11/2018 18:34

I wouldnt sign anything. You are either married or you are not. Frankly, if he was worried about having to split things, he should not have married you. It really is that simple.
Plus, i am not sure whether such a deed would weigh more than a divorce settlement, which starts at a 50-50 split regardless.
How much are you saving the family a year in childcare? How much are you losing a year working PT? What about a legal document to quantify that? No, thought not.

Original poster

Mercier1 · 14/11/2018 18:44

@thebigbangrocks that’s a little unfair. Yes biologically mothers carry babies but we can’t share parental leave as he earns a little more than me so would in effect be a pay cut for me, also breastfeeding.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mercier1 · 14/11/2018 18:47

@pinspegs he hasn’t brought any money personally into the marriage, this is our only money/assetts (the parental gift). We live month to month. I’ve started to save a little from our joint into a family savings pot. I also have a savings account for my first child set up. My husband doesn’t even have the log into to the joint account he leaves it to me. He also hasn’t been contributing to his pension and is quite a bit older than me so thats an issue I need him to address.

OP posts:

Missingstreetlife · 14/11/2018 18:47

Parents said their money was a gift to you both. Incomes are family money. Don't sign. Why should he get more?

mumto2babyboys · 14/11/2018 18:48

Do not sign this. Wow what a cheek to even ask you to sign it

GloomyMonday · 14/11/2018 19:26

"And I would be having second thoughts about a man that would rather make his wife and children homeless in the event of a split rather than lose some money."

Protecting his inheritance doesn't necessarily mean throwing his children out onto the street.

In the event of a split, why should he end up back in his parents' spare room while his xw lives in the house bought with his parents' contribution?

If a woman had a big inheritance and wanted to protect it on marriage, I think the replies would be different. In fact, women have posted about this in the past and are always told to protect any assets.

OP, you keep talking about your financial and career sacrifices. So don't make them then.

Missingstreetlife · 14/11/2018 20:01

It's not his inheritance, it's a gift to both of them i.e. The family.
Inheritance can be kept seperate, so could property you already owned, but they moved into this house together with help. It might be different if they split before marriage, children but she would have had a claim on the house anyway. They should talk about what is fair, she would be unlikely to get the whole house if they split, he would have some claim.
They seen reasonable people, they should talk at leisure, not in a rush.
Go ahead in good faith, there is enough trust to have another child, what is best for them? Good luck op

thinkingcapon · 14/11/2018 20:16

I've just signed papers for new house today at solicitors and discussed creating a new deed of trust for this new house (we already have one for our current house). Pm me if you want to know facts.
Morally it's a completely personal one x

another20 · 14/11/2018 20:42

Have you exchanged today OP as planned? Or is this holding it up? Can you choose to defer the decisions and negotiations?

PinsPegs · 14/11/2018 21:54

OP, out of interest if you split up in the next couple of years would you expect to split the equity in the house evenly or would you let your husband take out the extra money his parents gifted him?

Personally I don't think it feels right to expect half of the parents money. Any savings or equity that you have amassed since having kids/getting married should be split.

I've also seen threads on Mumsnet where women have been told to protect their own savings when they get together with a partner who has less than them.

Original poster

Mercier1 · 14/11/2018 22:06

@notacluewhatthisis it wasn’t an issue til the lawyer brought it up. It’s not something anyone else brought up but it just opened a can of worms I guess. We are both feeling insecure in our marriage right now. Great timing eh. Yes In our current roles if full time I’d earn about 10K more then him but I’ve been trying to get a FT role for years to no avail. So I’d have to move city or commute... to earn more.

OP posts:

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