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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Prostitutes....

94 replies

HollyLM · 13/11/2018 19:58

What do you do if you discover a partner had escorts to the house when you were away, but says they only 'chatted?'

And now they are making all the effort in the world to make things right?

OP posts:
champagneplanet · 13/11/2018 20:37

Better alone than badly accompanied.

This, best comment i've read on here for a while

HollyLM · 13/11/2018 20:38

@Chargertest - someone has seen this happening and called me at work!

He's admitted that he wouldn't have told me otherwise!

OP posts:
Hideandgo · 13/11/2018 20:39

No no no no no no no.

Just reaching out to an escort would tell me more than I would ever need to not want anything to do with that man.

Don’t be a mug. Please please please look for better for yourself.

Ellisandra · 13/11/2018 20:40

I divorced my XH for using prostitutes. Quite enjoyed his discomfort when I detailed that on the divorce papers too.

I can honestly say that I was more angry that he came out with intelligence-insulting crap (amazing the number of men who don’t go through with it, huh? Hmm) than I was about the betrayal.

Good luck with the next part of your life. My daughter was 4 - not a bad age to split, they’re so accepting and don’t have as complicated feelings.

I’m remarried now to a fab man, but I also had a good number of great years single or dating.

So long to that sucker. You’re not stupid!

TossieFleacake · 13/11/2018 20:45

From someone who discovered the same, but didn't end my relationship, 8 years down the line I am full of resentment, self loathing and regret.

Finish it. He may change, he may never do it again but you will never ever forget that he did.

Tiredmum100 · 13/11/2018 20:49

So sorry this has happened to you. I don't think I could ever forgive someone who did this to me. It's the not only the broken trust, but how I'd feel about them long term. I think I would loose all respect for them and actually think what kind of person they really are. It would be a massive turn off for me. Are you married? Just wondering as if you are can you stay in the house?

HollyLM · 13/11/2018 20:54

@TossieFleacake - do you think you will leave because of this?

OP posts:
HollyLM · 13/11/2018 20:54

@TossieFleacake - what were your reasons for staying? x

OP posts:
HollyLM · 13/11/2018 20:57

@Tiredmum100 - were not married no.

He has 2 more children from previous relationship too.

I've had issues with him taking drugs and selling drugs - looking at dating sites etc. But blames it on the drugs (which he doesn't do now as of course I left because of our DD when I discovered this) - since then he's made a lot of changes but I discovered the escort thing about 3 months ago...... apparently it was my fault for taking some time out and staying at my mums.

He won't buy a house together, get married or anything as money is everything to him and all he wants to do is protect his empire!

We've been together for 6 years x

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 13/11/2018 21:02

I stayed after my first suspicions. In hindsight, it was bloody obvious he was doing it, but I chose to believe that maybe he really was just looking.

Not because I was desperate or stupid - but because when you’re a normal person it’s just so far from anything you can imagine a husband doing, that you think - “he must be telling the truth!”

Resentment certainly was a feature at that time, but it pervaded everything. Every dirty dish left by the sofa for 3 days. His skid marks. Him lying about trivial stuff like having phone up about car insurance renewal. Even him parking his car slightly too far over to make it easy to pull onto the drive! Every single thing I was screaming inside “I forgive you for probably fucking prostitutes, and yet in return you treat me like this?”

Thing is, I expected him to try to make up for the huge transaction by being “good” in all other things. That made sense to me. The thing was though, an arsehole who will fuck prostitutes and cheat on his wife simply doesn’t have the conscience or decency to behave well in other things.

It was the same core selfish shit that he was, that meant he thought it was fine to fuck prostitutes AND not give a shit when he got home first that I had to take 3 manoeuvres to park up, for the want it him just parking a foot further over.

The discovery of prostitutes poisoned everything.

Ellisandra · 13/11/2018 21:03

Nice. He even blamed you Hmm

missbehaving1000 · 13/11/2018 21:04

HollyLM... I've just commented on your other thread before I read this...
I'm so sorry this is happening Thanks
As hard as it is, or feels right now in the long run you will be so much better off without this lying piece of shit in your life.
Granted, it may not be easy, but time is a great healer and in a few years I'd put money on you looking back and thinking you did the right thing without a shadow of a doubt.
I thought I'd never meet anyone again after becoming a single parent at 31, and whilst I'm not actively looking for a relationship I am dating and found that it doesn't put most guys off. For those that it does, well, they're not worth my time! Grin
You're worth so much more than the cheating arsehole you're with. And with prostitutes too... yuck!
Look after yourself, and your future will look after you.

AskMeHow · 13/11/2018 21:05

Sounds like a keeper.

You'd better reassure him that refusing to marry you and going with prostitutes is no way a deal breaker and that you're super keen to continue paying the bills in a house you have no claim on. Right?

AssassinatedBeauty · 13/11/2018 21:08

Oh goodnesss, he sounds horrible. Don't stay with him, for the sake of your DD.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 13/11/2018 21:08

OP. The only way he could make this right would be to build a time machine that could transport him back to when he wasn't a scummy, lying, cheating prat. Can he do that? Please do not stay with him. Your life will be awful.

LizzieSiddal · 13/11/2018 21:15

Bloody hell

He won't marry you, buy a house with you, uses and sells drugs and uses prostitutes.

You and your DD deserve much better than this.

HollyLM · 13/11/2018 21:15

I'm someone who really wants to be with someone, have a beautiful home and more children and as stupid as this sounds and I've put this in previous posts - I worry this won't happen? I'm convinced time is running out - which is ridiculous! x

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 13/11/2018 21:19

If you stay with this man you'll have a house full of drugs and prostitutes.

Plus, he has told you clearly he doesn't want to share everything with you and be a partner. That won't get you your dream life.

BinkyandBunty · 13/11/2018 21:20

I'm sorry, you will never have the happiness you're looking for with this man x

namechange00 · 13/11/2018 21:20

@HollyLM But OP as cruel as this is YOU don't have a beautiful home, HE does.... and he can take that away from you at any moment!! Cut the cord and meet someone who wants to BETTER your life!! Not have you watch as they better there own.

dirtyandscusting · 13/11/2018 21:21

Different circumstances but I left a horrible cheat at 30. Met a lovely bloke after a while of being single and now have 2 kids. You have lots of time, stop putting pressure on yourself as you'll end up settling for your current partner (who is a total tosser by the sounds of it).
I stuck by my cheating ex for far too long just because I felt like time was running out. Get out, start afresh, go and get the life you deserve with someone who'll love and respect you.

category12 · 13/11/2018 21:21

Well you won't get those things with this man if you stay, will you? His house, with added prostitute.

In 6 years he's been a shitty, untrustworthy partner. Don't waste any more time on him - get out and give yourself a fighting chance of finding someone decent.

missbehaving1000 · 13/11/2018 21:22

So you'd rather live in some one else's beautiful home, whilst your significant other pays to put his dick in other women...?
Whilst having no security for you or your child at the same time?
Don't want to sound harsh but come on, you're worth so much more than that!
From what you've written it's like you value being in a relationship more than you value your self respect.

Paul78 · 13/11/2018 21:23

This reply has been deleted

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TossieFleacake · 13/11/2018 21:24

I stayed because I had a 2 year old, a 5 month old, nowhere else to go, severe post natal depression and absolutely no self esteem due to a few years of knowing I'd been cheated on despite never being told the truth. I didn't trust my own judgement. I am so angry at my former self and I am in the process of creating a future for me and my children that doesn't have to include him.
I don't know if its ever happened again. I've never found any evidence but he may have got better at covering his tracks. He has played the part of good husband and dad since but I have never felt the same about him. How could I after he treated me so badly when I was at my most vulnerable? He also lied to me when I had concrete evidence of what had happened and I think the insult to my intelligence has been harder to overcome than the actual behaviour.

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