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Original poster

Ongoing emotional abuse of Dd by her DF

54 replies

greenberet · 12/11/2018 02:24

My extremely acrimonious divorce and fallout well documented on here - this shite never seems to end and my kids are still being subject to emotional abuse and manipulation.

Dd is currently looking at uni courses in London. After being pretty apathetic she now seems to have found some oomph and is trying to make things happen for herself. She wants to attend a full day talk and has asked me to go with her.

I am recovering from spinal surgery. The talk falls within 6 weeks of my op - I’m currently 3 weeks post and have just been prescribed antibiotics for possible infection. I do not think I will be up for this. I’ve explained this and suggested she ask her DF.

I email him also saying Dd wants to go to this can he take her - (I don’t expect a response nor will I get one ) he travels to London frequently this is no big deal for him. His response I’ll ask OW what she thinks as she’s down here that week. His reply to Dd yes WE’LL take you spend the day in London and bring you back.

The issue here is Dd wants nothing to do with OW never has never will but he continually tries to wheedle OW into Dd’s life! Dd already said Why the fuck does he need to ask her - now it appears X will not take her as Dd doesn’t want OW there - this is nothing to do with OW - this is about DD and her future education. X has fucked up enough of DDs education by refusing to continue to pay school fees! When is he going to show his Dd some respect and listen to what SHE wants not what HE wants! I know the answer to this!

Dd has said she will go on her own - I’m not completely ok with this it will mean her leaving house at 6.30 ish and probably back about this time too.

Dd knows full well he is putting OW above her , he continually undermines DdS sense of self worth and I am continually left to pick up the pieces! Just another bloody example of how these c**ts continue to control, abuse and cause fucking unnecessary problems due to a fragile ego!

Need to find someone that is happy to take Dd father or not father - ego or no ego!

OP posts:
Nissemand · 12/11/2018 02:32

His response doesn't sound unreasonable.

MrsCatE · 12/11/2018 02:32

No idea where you live but somewhere obviously that she can get to London and back in a day - that will be good for her. Make sure you plan out the route with her, pre-book travel tickets etc.

I know the above is completely missing the point of your thread but your ex sounds a Wanker; instead of thinking of this as an exciting opportunity to spend with his daughter in deciding her future career and personal path, he's looking at it as an opportunity to crow bar OW in - HELL NO!!

Endofthelinefinally · 12/11/2018 02:43

I think she will be fine going on her own.
Plan the route carefully, have a back up plan, a charged up phone with google maps on it and emergency tenner in her shoe.
Public transport in London is very good.
Just remind her to take care of her bag and phone.

Endofthelinefinally · 12/11/2018 02:47

Is anyone else from her school going?
When dd was going to University open days she frequently found that other people from her sixth form college were going to the same places and they travelled together.

LellyMcKelly · 12/11/2018 05:05

I work at a uni and we often get students coming alone or with friends to open days. Get her tickets precooked and get her to make a list of everything you and she wants to know. She should be fine.

flumpybear · 12/11/2018 05:11

He sounds like an arsehole!
Tell her to go alone. Give her taxi money if she can't navigate the tube. Where is the uni and which main line station would she arrive at?

Cawfee · 12/11/2018 05:24

She can go to London on her own just pre book everything. Make sure she has a phone charged etc. Print off all schedules and maps and run through her route/plan. Time to strike out independently and not ever rely on an unreliable man. Just don’t ever ask him for anything again. He’s always going to pick ow because sex is more important than anything else to him.

moredoll · 12/11/2018 05:25

She'll be fine going on her own, or with others from her school. Go over her route with Street View so she knows where she's going. Remember the tube will be busy, and therefore unpleasant, in the morning rush hour. She can use a contactless bank card instead of an Oyster card. Tfl journey planner is useful. If her phone is fully charged she can phone you if she needs to. Walk with a sense of purpose and hold onto her bag.

GloomyMonday · 12/11/2018 06:16

I would reply to tell him it's a real shame that he can't take her by himself because dd was looking forward to spending the day with him, what a missed opportunity to bond and do something important with his daughter.

I'm sure she'll be ok by herself but it would be much nicer, much less stressful, with someone else to double-check details with, sit and have a coffee with, bounce ideas off; hopefully there will be someone else going from her school.

She sounds great btw.

Bloomburger · 12/11/2018 06:22

You need to stop making this a bigger issue than it is and let your daughter go alone. It'll do both if you the world of good.

NotANotMan · 12/11/2018 06:25

Your ex is a dick but your DD can go on her own!

Original poster
greenberet · 12/11/2018 06:59

Thanks for the replies.

DD obviously doesn’t feel comfortable going on her own that’s why she asked me to go with her. Nobody else from her college is going. It’s something she has looked into independently and it’s slightly off main stream.

Dd is pretty capable but yes its about having the extra bit of moral support we are not in London so she’s not used to the tubes etc if we were I wouldn’t be concerned. I’ll make sure she has enough money etc taxi is a good idea.

I will go through it all with her I have suggested I book a hotel the night before so it’s not quite an early start for her and I can then go over two days.

Yes x is a wanker if OW wasn’t around that week he’d take her - he’d even push me out for one upmanship.

Nissemand - you have no bloody idea - Dd idolised her dad - he broke her heart at 13 - This is her father FFS - the one man you should be able to rely on unconditionally but some just havent got it in them!

The lies he has told to me to her yet she still gives him a chance - one day though she may be tired of it all - he has the most to lose - she has already lost her father she knows this - he doesn’t yet know what it will feel like to lose his Dd!!

OP posts:
Labradoodliedoodoo · 12/11/2018 07:03

Could you pay for a friend to go

BeenThereDone · 12/11/2018 07:40

Book a hotel close by for both of you. U can rest and still be very close by....

Musti · 12/11/2018 07:51

I don't know the history but he has offered to take her. There is no reason why his girlfriend can't go with them and she doesn't get to call the shots. So she has the choice of going on her own or her dad taking her.

averythinline · 12/11/2018 08:20

unfortunately for your dd her father is crap.....but thats not a recent change....
yes she cant dictate to him about his relationships - however he could recognise the chance to be involved with his dd in something for her..
I hope you can work out a way to go with her - athough london is not that bad if you can plan it in advance ...transport etc is quite easy/straightforward....especially if one of teh central uni and getting the train in

Endofthelinefinally · 12/11/2018 08:24

Definitely look on the tfl website and plan the journey.
If she ends up going to this university she will have to learn to travel around London anyway.
I was a real country bumpkin and I managed, well before the days of computers and mobile phones.

bubbles108 · 12/11/2018 08:24

What a shame your X is being such a twat

My daughter did all her uni visits alone (choice) but if your daughter feels the need for support (which I know I would) could an aunt or a close friend of yours, go with her ?

Rixera · 12/11/2018 08:25

When she goes to uni, she will have to travel and plan and live on her own, so this may well be good practice. London is not hard to get around, make sure she has Google maps and internet on her phone, she'll be alright.

blackcat86 · 12/11/2018 08:31

Is there literally any other trusted adult that can go with her? It would be a good statement for DD to be able to make to DF that actually thanks for the offer but I'm still not comfortable with OW which you know so thanks but no thanks, x is coming instead. Do you have a friend who could take her, an aunt, cousin, neighbour, one of her friends?

LemonTT · 12/11/2018 08:40

I think you should not have gotten involved by emailing him. She should have the space to deal with this herself. Including making her way to London and attending a talk. This should be well within the capability of a 17 year old who wants a university education. If it isn’t then maybe you need to focus on building her independence and resilience.

Her father is in a new relationship. Ultimately your daughter needs to accept that relationship exists. This means being around his new partner if she wants a relationship with him.

Her father could arrange it so that his new partner is not involved but not snubbed.

Seems to me, that you, your ex and you daughter are all stuck in a destructive dynamic. None of you are winning. But it’s not abuse, just very sad that it still going on after 4 years.

GladysKnight · 12/11/2018 08:40

My DD was not comfortable about going to a London offer - holder day on her own but I pointed out I hadn't been invited. As a result she was forced to engage with the day properly, loved it, and put it 1st choice.

He is an arse yes, but you can't fix that. You can however minimise his opportunities to bully her by helping her towards practical independence so she can walk away from him when he is like this - ie she gets to pick her 'terms' with him.

Can you accompany her virtually on something like snapchat?

Onemansoapopera · 12/11/2018 08:57

I think most posters have missed the point. Your ex is a man and can't think like a mother, in a nutshell. He's being a selfish twatty bastard to his DD and trying to point score instead of giving her some one on one. These types are ten a penny, sadly. I feel for you, its frustrating and infuriating in equal turns.

user1499173618 · 12/11/2018 08:58

Why do you object to your exH’s partner going along?

ittakes2 · 12/11/2018 09:05

She is old enough to go to London by herself - but if she doesn't want to - why does she not take a friend?

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