Ongoing emotional abuse of Dd by her DF

[greenberet]

My extremely acrimonious divorce and fallout well documented on here - this shite never seems to end and my kids are still being subject to emotional abuse and manipulation.

Dd is currently looking at uni courses in London. After being pretty apathetic she now seems to have found some oomph and is trying to make things happen for herself. She wants to attend a full day talk and has asked me to go with her.

I am recovering from spinal surgery. The talk falls within 6 weeks of my op - I’m currently 3 weeks post and have just been prescribed antibiotics for possible infection. I do not think I will be up for this. I’ve explained this and suggested she ask her DF.

I email him also saying Dd wants to go to this can he take her - (I don’t expect a response nor will I get one ) he travels to London frequently this is no big deal for him. His response I’ll ask OW what she thinks as she’s down here that week. His reply to Dd yes WE’LL take you spend the day in London and bring you back.

The issue here is Dd wants nothing to do with OW never has never will but he continually tries to wheedle OW into Dd’s life! Dd already said Why the fuck does he need to ask her - now it appears X will not take her as Dd doesn’t want OW there - this is nothing to do with OW - this is about DD and her future education. X has fucked up enough of DDs education by refusing to continue to pay school fees! When is he going to show his Dd some respect and listen to what SHE wants not what HE wants! I know the answer to this!

Dd has said she will go on her own - I’m not completely ok with this it will mean her leaving house at 6.30 ish and probably back about this time too.

Dd knows full well he is putting OW above her , he continually undermines DdS sense of self worth and I am continually left to pick up the pieces! Just another bloody example of how these c**ts continue to control, abuse and cause fucking unnecessary problems due to a fragile ego!

Need to find someone that is happy to take Dd father or not father - ego or no ego!

I agree its a shitty thing for your ex to do. What they don't seem to get is that leaving the family for OW is to DC a form of abandonment, even for older DC. Your ex sounds like mine - mine couldn't understand why DD was lashing out at him (emotionally) and that she needed reassurance He was still there for her despite leaving the family home. His response was to have a tantrum and was prepared to have no relationship with her if she didn't 'buck up her ideas". I didn't want to get involved but had to for DDs sake as despite her rages, I knew she wanted a relationship with him. So I had to "teach" him how to deal with her. I still feel it's her fitting in with him rather than the other way round but it's better between them Now.

In terms of OW, your DD has every right to not want to meet her and "share" her time with her DF. Both DF and OW are being completely selfish- although you need to be to have an affair In the first place. I disagree with those who say she needs to accept it .....it's up to her who she wants to be in a relationship with. Please do not teach your DD that she needs to pander to her F's needs - He uis the parent and he should bend for her.

Hope you manage to sort it and that DD has an amazing visit.

Has she any friends that would be up for a day in London, even if it involves going to a Uni? If you can afford two nights in a basic hotel, they could have a lovely time. Have you any close friends or family that could go with her?

I would encourage her to go alone. The tube is easy to use and she can easily download maps. At her age the experience of travelling alone would help her to feel more independent in general.
I t seems your ex is trying to get her to see ow by manipulating the situation to his advantage. He sounds like an utter shit.

Can your DD contact her dad directly and say she would just like him to take her?

I suspect those saying what's the problem have been the OW, have no DC or are clueless.

The DD does not want the woman her dad cheated on her mum with and left her for.

If that's not clear to understand... it just goes to show how selfish people can be and not put the child first.

Why do you object to your exH’s partner going along?

OW is short for other woman - the one he was shagging behind his wife's back that he eventually left his family for.

If she's thinking of going to college in London, she needs to know that she can cope there alone.
I don't think it's unreasonable of your ex to want to foster a relationship between his new partner and his daughter. Whether she was the OW or not isn't really relevant imo- it was him that lied and cheated, not her, so your issue and your DD's issue should be with him.

LemonTT - it is abuse! Emotional manipulation trying to get his Dd to meet OW - it’s not the first time he’s done this - he’s done it for holidays for Xmas even his birthday. Dd wants nothing to do with her - her choice and perfectly within her rights. May I suggest you read what is put and get your facts right beforehand commenting because most of what you have said is completely irrelevant.

Dd has spoken to him herself but there can be no discussion - it’s his way or nothing - I email because I am documenting the long ongoing financial and emotional abuse that has been going on since he chose to leave. He is a manipulative bully and a nasty one at that - my kids are not fully equipped to deal with this and get blindsided because he is their DF.

It’s Dd that objects! And I support her in her decision. My Dd on the other hand has spent time with OW - I support him on that too!

Some nonsense on here in that Dd is old enough to go to London by herself but cannot chose who she spends time with!!

I'm with you OP. Of course she wants a parent to go with her why wouldn't she and why would her father not be relishing some time with his girl, I'll tell you what you already know - guilty people don't like being left alone for any amount of time with those they've hurt, in a nutshell. They're too exposed and they might have to face their shitty behaviour instead of boxing it off. Simplistic and awful.

It's is completely unfair on your DD and reminds me of things that happened to me at a similar point in my life. He's being a selfish idiot. Your DD has the right not to meet her and he's made it about his partner rather than focussing on your DD.

I do think she could go alone. It was a long time ago but I travelled alone to open days. I never even considered a parent coming with me. In some respects London is easier than some other places as the public transport is so good and there's so much information about how to get about.

The ex sounds very unreasonable.

You cannot force acceptance on DD. If she does go alone i think it will be character building. But could you arrange fornher to get to the station and back, and carefully plan the route with her using google maps?And buy her an a-z as a backup in case her internet fails.

You also need to stop being surprised and let down and blowing it all up. You know he's an arsehole, you could write a book on how he will react to certain situations but you carry on asking stuff of him and being surprised at his utter wanker ness and making it all a big issue in your children's lives.

Its not doing you any favours or your children.

@Deestopia. Of course her being the OW is relevant!! She was a key player in the break.up of the family unit. It's perfectly acceptable for those suffering the fall out to not wish to have contact or befriend that person. It's also a dangerous message to transmit to our DDs- that men can shit on you but you still have to bend over backwards to appease them and Make sure their wants (note - wants, not needs - DD needs to know her F is there for her, F just wants his OW to be there) are met. How's about the needs of the DD are prioritised?? Some awful victim blaming going on here.

The fact that pp think her being the OW is irrelevant is astounding.

The OPs DD has said she doesn't want anything to do with the OW. Her dad needs to respect her wishes and not keep trying to force the issue at every given opportunity.

It's typical selfish behaviour which is a common trait in a lot of cheaters.

OP

I am not saying what he is doing is right or justified. But it is what he is doing and that means your daughter either has to accept it in some way or forgo a relationship with her father. Ideally you should have some influence to bear with her other parent but you don’t. In fact any intervention by you will be counterproductive for their relationship. So as others have said it’s down to your daughter. It shouldn’t be but it is.

If she wants to try, it’s worth suggesting that she offers the compromise for the day. Otherwise she can stick to her guns and tell him why. That’s her right unfortunately and it is very sad. I know this through my OH’s personal experience, as the child. At 50+ he still deals with his parents’ bitterness and has to accept a step mother he doesn’t like or respect.

Yes, she can do the trip herself. It’s part of growing up and she needs to take that step. My own university visits involved international flights, cabs, trains and tubes. The worse thing that happened was I ripped a pencil skirt whilst minding the gap. A lesson a Londoner has to learn.

Unfortunately he is how he is and can’t be changed. You both are learning to be more and more independent of him and distancing yourselves from him emotionally and that’s all you can do.

London is one of the easiest cities to get around. There are apps such as Tube Delux that help with journeys and plan in advance. Buy your train and tube ticket in advance to take that worry out of it and any contactless card can be tapped on the entry and exit points to pay so that’s a doddld if tickets are lost or it’s chesper to just do a return jouney. It’s easy to to see what line you need and whether it’s easy or west and how many stops away. Every stop is announced. The Tube staff are extremely helpful and I can’t fault them. We live within 2 hours on the train and I’m more of a country bod but my daughter was happy to meet her dad in London from 14 because she’d seen how simple it was, far simpler from the nightmare disjointed and unreliable crap that passes for public transport here!

The uni will be used to students new to London and very happy to help put her mind at rest.

Your XH is an arsehole, but you know that.
I don’t understand why you play into his hands.
You knew this wouldn’t end well.
So why ask him?

She’s looking at Uni courses. 06:30 is hardly that early a start. She can easily go on her own - rounding up a friend would be a good idea to make it more fun, if you could afford to stick a bribe in of money for 2 to have a dinner in town. But she’s old enough to go alone, and if she was nervous about that then it was a good opportunity for her to feel the fear and do it anyway.

Her dad should not to foisting the OW on your unwilling daughter - but if it hadn’t been that it would have been something else.

Stop giving him this power.

Actually, just re-read your OP and you said your daughter is happy to go alone.

There’s no reason for you to have an issue. You can’t even be that far from London if it’s an all day talk and an 06:30 start will get her there in time.

Sounds like you just wanted abother shitty situation from him to put into your dossier on him. Shame the collateral damage is to your daughter! There’s no doubt he’s an arsehole, but really - why lay the trap if it’s your daughter who will suffer?

The man is a shit. Unbelievable that some pp are implying that op is somehow at fault for hoping that, on this occasion, he would be a bit less of a shit.

Have you got that op? It's your fault for making a reasonable request on behalf of your daughter, you should've known better it seems.

Clearly aimed at me Moody.
I said OP’s XH is an arsehole.
I’ve read enough of her posts to know that actually arsehole is a vast understatement in fact.
Nowhere have I said that it is OP’s fault that he is an arsehole.
But I stand by my opinion (having read a number of threads by the OP) that when a man is predictable in his arseholery and you believe that he is emotionally abusing your child, it’s just not the best move to encourage contact when it simply isn’t needed.

Bloomburger - actually he’s doing my Dd a huge favour - because the last thing I would want is for her to drop her guard and think for once that he may have thought about his behaviour and actually put his kids first only for her/ them to get blindsided again.

Whoever said I’m keeping a dossier too right I am and who knows maybe it will end up being a book one day and I will earn millions - wouldn’t that be ironic!

Dd is not going to compromise on this or anything else to do with OW that is for sure and totally within her rights. It’s not this that is sad its sad that her DF chose to lie to her time and time again! He reaps what he sows!

I’m not playing into his hands and he has no power over me. The fact that he can’t see himself what an arse he is makes him just look ridiculous in my eyes - 4 years down the line and still no insight - you call this power - I call it stupid!

It’s not unreasonable to ask him to take Dd given my current situation as some have said what a great opportunity for him - and if I was that bitter do you think I would suggest this - nah I’d be keeping Dd all to myself and encouraging her to go it alone regardless of how she felt!

Dd is more than capable - just because she wants someone with her is no reflection of her level of independence - I’m interested in whaut she’s doing - Shame he’s not! one day the time will come when she stops asking! The more he puts Ow over Dd the easier it will be on Dd in the future! The damage was done along time ago - all he’s doing is keeping it fresh in her mind.

There have been lots of other shitty situations - they still continue - this was big enough to warrant a thread - because Dd asked - who knows what the future will bring for them not me - and whilst he continues to play this shite on his kids I will always have an issue with it - regardless of their age!

Ellisandra - he still has contact with them - I don’t encourage or discourage - it’s on his terms always - sometimes the kids see him sometimes they don’t - this is up to them.

Dd wanted some moral support I cannot go - seeing as he took her to another open day I didn’t think it would be an issue -I doubt Dd did either - but that one was on his contact weekend and it suited him to go - this time it only suits him if OW can go - never about anyone other than him!

I make an issue out of it because it makes Dd feel like shit - nothing new here either - and until she has got it firmly in her head that none of this is her doing I will continue doing what I do!

Read the threads on here where adult kids blame their mothers for not standing up to abusive husbands and protecting them from abusive fathers.

I cannot do anything about the contact he has with them but I will sure as hell do something to try and protect my Dd from feeling shite as a result of his shitty decisions!

If he doesn’t like it tough shit - his behaviour his consequences!

I haven't read all your historical threads, but I'm sensing you need to move on and move away from what is now really your daughter's concern. I don't think that age is too young to travel around looking at colleges and unis, I wouldn't have expected a chaperone at that age. Are you sure you are presenting your daughter with a clear view of the facts around the OW without your own anger getting in the way, now that some water has gone under the bridge?

Couldn’t give a shit about OW - she did me a favour!

Had my kids always known the difference between a healthy relationship and an abusive one it would not be a concern. but as they have suffered through no fault of their own due to decisions made by x that did not have their best interests at heart despite claiming he did I will “move on and away” when they no longer come to me for support!

Ffs why would this girl want a complete stranger who happens to be the woman that helped break up the family go along pretending she cared about this girl’s future education and life choices, just why???

The man is making it clear his new piece matters more to him, he’s entitled to jack shit consideration by his daughter, he’s a right cunt and she needs to decline his pathetic offer. OP stop asking him anything you know what his response will be, at end of day it’s him missing out on a wonderful opportunity, she doesn’t need him or his fancy woman’s Fake concern.

Why you are allowing this crap person to get to you is beyond me, ignore him!