Ongoing emotional abuse of Dd by her DF

[greenberet]

My extremely acrimonious divorce and fallout well documented on here - this shite never seems to end and my kids are still being subject to emotional abuse and manipulation.

Dd is currently looking at uni courses in London. After being pretty apathetic she now seems to have found some oomph and is trying to make things happen for herself. She wants to attend a full day talk and has asked me to go with her.

I am recovering from spinal surgery. The talk falls within 6 weeks of my op - I’m currently 3 weeks post and have just been prescribed antibiotics for possible infection. I do not think I will be up for this. I’ve explained this and suggested she ask her DF.

I email him also saying Dd wants to go to this can he take her - (I don’t expect a response nor will I get one ) he travels to London frequently this is no big deal for him. His response I’ll ask OW what she thinks as she’s down here that week. His reply to Dd yes WE’LL take you spend the day in London and bring you back.

The issue here is Dd wants nothing to do with OW never has never will but he continually tries to wheedle OW into Dd’s life! Dd already said Why the fuck does he need to ask her - now it appears X will not take her as Dd doesn’t want OW there - this is nothing to do with OW - this is about DD and her future education. X has fucked up enough of DDs education by refusing to continue to pay school fees! When is he going to show his Dd some respect and listen to what SHE wants not what HE wants! I know the answer to this!

Dd has said she will go on her own - I’m not completely ok with this it will mean her leaving house at 6.30 ish and probably back about this time too.

Dd knows full well he is putting OW above her , he continually undermines DdS sense of self worth and I am continually left to pick up the pieces! Just another bloody example of how these c**ts continue to control, abuse and cause fucking unnecessary problems due to a fragile ego!

Need to find someone that is happy to take Dd father or not father - ego or no ego!

Your poor children...Having to live years through this turmoil of two unreasonable parents. The damage must be all done by now.
If you are the oh so understanding, sensible one then why don't you limit the damage by distancing yourself from your ex emotionally? You can be there for your daughter for support ( why is it so unbearable and shocking that it might be just you? How about all the other single-parent families out there??). Your exH must be a rubbish parent to incur the wrath that is coming from you. But you already know it! Time to make peace with that. You can only emotionally support your daughter when you have calmed down yourself.
Your daughter is very nearly a fully independent young woman and soon will be making her own conclusions about people around her. You need to move on or risk being slotted into a " dysfunctional parent " category yourself. Talking from experience here - being a child of divorced parents.

Your poor DD. I think all you can do is offer her support in her choice not to be manipulated into a joint trip with ow. Your ex sounds v selfish.

Obviously if you can do the hotel thing or find a friend to go with that would be ideal, but if that's not possible then surely it's better to support her in going by herself than giving power back to her dad and making it all about him.

Practical things you can do include: buy ticket early and make sure it goes all the way to the tube station so she won't need an oyster. Print out the tube route and changes. Use street view to practice any walking bits before you go. Buy a small pocket a to z and look at the end route on it before she sets off Remind her that there are tube staff at station entrances/exits barriers who can point her in the right direction. Give her spare cash (to carry separately from her purse) just in case. Agree that you will do regular texting. Buy a backup charger for phones.

If you're really worried then post the London station and uni on here or the education board and ask for travel tips from locals!

She won't be the only one going by herself. Good luck to her for the day.

Op has your daughter or you got any friends or neighbours that would be free on that day to accompany her (if you offered to cover their food and travel expenses)?

How long has her father been with the other woman? Are they married?..does she dislike the other woman solely because her dad is dating her? Would she dislike a man (the way she dislikes her father's partner) if you started dating?

I'm just thinking if you can't accompany her and she doesn't want to go alone, why not accept her father's offer, she doesn't have to speak to the other woman, it would be petty to cut herself off from her dad trying to help her, she's old enough to know that if you are split he is allowed to have another relationship, as are you...your daughter is going to come across alot of people in life that she may not want to spend time with (at her university course, at a job, even future in laws, etc) and she has to learn that it's ok to not like these people but you can still be around them and be civil,

Is she worried that being around the other woman is a betrayal to you?

"does she dislike the other woman solely because her dad is dating her?"

I expect she dislikes ow because she was cheerfully fucking her dad while he was still married to her mum.

I daresay there wouldn't be a problem if her parents had separated and then he'd started dating.

I don't think it's that uncommon actually. She loves her dad and wants a relationship with him, but doesn't want to meet ow. She's made it clear yet he continues to engineer situations where they might be forced to meet, such as the one op is posting about. He is prioritising his own wishes, and ow's wishes, above those of his daughter and damaging his relationship with her as a result.

"why is it so unbearable and shocking that it might be just you? How about all the other single-parent families out there??"

Sure, lots of crap dads out there but it's not a race to the bottom. OP's dd has a father, not unreasonable for op to have expectations of him, or to be disappointed when he doesn't step up.