@Steakandkidney,
So sorry you’re feeling like this. I wish I was near to you to pop over with a bottle of wine, an in-MN hug and a few hours of putting the world right. This time of year makes it all harder emotionally, too.
I’m currently in the bath having escaped to have a cry; I was reading the Christmas thread and welled up thinking how shit it’s going to be here this year. Even though I was in a refuge this time some years back.
I left my ex six years ago - SIX! We were moved between many refuges because of his controlling, sexual, emotional abuse but he actually became worse after I left. And this increased over the years; so it was actually better whilst I was with him. Sometimes I think if I’d known it would be this hard, this lonely - I’d never have left. Because there were happy times then, he was my best friend. Or I stupidly felt he was.
Since we left, I had 11 months of Court hearings because he said I was too unstable to be a mother, very malicious behaviour. My own family took his side. My own mother didn’t even send a text the whole 11 months of the court hearings, never visited or rang us whilst we were in refuge - but she and my sisters would go to his house for a tea and chat!
Over the last few years, he’s had many relationships which didn’t last long. Each time he’d lose interest in the DC because the latest woman (and her children) was everything. He wouldn’t turn up to contact, wouldn’t pay maintenance, go for months without any contact.... and all the while I put myself through University, worked and raised the children in a new county without any support. Housework, poorly children, cooking, studying, school stuff - he’s never been there.
Now, he’s drinking heavily and suffers with anxiety and depression. He blames me, even though the last time he turned up for handover he was drunk? His family blame me for his mental health, my family even blame me for his mental health and say I should be ashamed of myself for taking the children away.
They even know about such incidents as when he raped me when I was pregnant - but still, my fault. Very toxic family and ex. He writes about me on his Facebook which is humiliating. I don’t rise to it but it’s hard.
I feel dead inside, angry, bitter, hurt, betrayed... I’ll never be able to have a relationship again because there’s just too much baggage and hurt. I’m mid 30s and broken. I read the lovely posts on Christmas threads about how all the family get together, traditions, lovely food and drink. It’s just me and my youngest this year as my eldest couldn’t cope with things and left to live with his gran. If it wasn’t for my daughter I wouldn’t want to get out of bed.
You’re not alone, I wish I could say things will get better. I can’t wait until Christmas is over - I know it’s going to get worse over the next few weeks when my family will come out of the woodwork and shower the kids with gifts but they’ve not been around the whole year or any time I’ve needed them.
I hope 2019 will be kinder to you.