DV-you think leaving is the hard part. It isn't.

[Steakandkidney]

I have 4 children, and left a DV relationship 3 years ago, 3 months pregnant. I did so when he started on the children, which was triggered by my last pregnancy.
Leaving was hard, I had to play the game to get him to leave. Total mind games. What followed was horrendous and I needed a lot of mental health support. It was the right thing but I'm shell shocked and will never be the same again, I'm dead inside.
What nobody tells you is how it is shit afterwards as well. There has been no golden future out the other side. I struggle through each day. I have had to give up my career this week and leave a job to go on benefits.
I have no friends. Because I'm always caring for the children.
I have no bedroom, because I'm overcrowded. I daren't leave them with a babysitter because they've already been abused in their own home and they are scared. Social services cannot offer support, neither can schools.
Now I've got his whole family messaging and ringing me constantly berating me for not letting him talk to the children.
After leaving I waited for the relief to come. It never did and life is just as hard now and always will be. My son tells his teachers his dad is an abuser. He has been left with anger problems. I'm dealing with an aftermath I have no clue what to do with.
I will never have a new partner, or a life in anyway. My ex is a bastard, but life without him is also shit. I'm the enemy to everyone.
Fuck it all.

Do please do the Freedom Programme in person. It's not enough to read about it imo. Search for a course near you. You can come and go if things get a bit much - either sit outside for a while or go home. The facilitators are very well trained and understand where you're/we're coming from.

I relate to what you are saying. It's many years on for me now but I do relate to the hollowed out feeling. I found Melanie Tonia Evans helpful for recovery from the trauma of abuse. She's a bit woo but I don't care tbf, at least she's talking about it, about the trauma and how to heal.

Keep going. Do invite the other single woman for Christmas. Many of us grit our teeth and get through christmas. Things like the christmas thread is self-torture imo. There's no way I'd read that!

Much love

Transpeaked

Dear, dear, dear OP and the other sufferers of DV and the terrible post-effects...

I truly believe you CAN get better with time (yes even after a year, six years, etc)...

Although not the same situation I have suffered so many traumas and MH problems and truly truly have thought I would end up sectioned or dead at one point.

I have worked so hard to get better, I have suitable medication and counselling, and I still have issues I'm dealing with, but I can tell you; the difference between the times I imagined drowning myself or lost over 2 stone in weight because I was in 24 hour panic mode and couldn't eat (and was vomiting), or had nightmares, flashbacks... the difference between that and now is like night and day. And yes it took a long time, but it takes what it takes.

I know you feel hopeless right now, but as others have said, you are survivors and heroines. You WILL find some peace.

But just for this moment. Write down something good you have done, even the tiniest thing, and something you appreciate about yourself. It doesn't matter how insignificant you think it is, just do it. And then again tomorrow.

And gift yourself with a herbal tea, a flower (bought or picked), a bath, or just a little nap.

I truly believe you did the right thing. And if you'd stayed, it would still have got worse.

You stood up for yourselves, and your children, and WE are here for you. Even if twisted others are not. And you will find more friends as you regain a little bit of your courage to reach out in time.

I promise you.

I really am seemingly not the right person to tell you this - if you see some of my other posts, and I'm still working through recognition of emotional abuse, but please believe me, if you knew what I came from before today, you'd know I really truly mean it when I say that this horror is not permanent.

You will find joy, peace, and safety again.

Please, reach out if you need a cyber hug.

NOT, may I add, that I'd dare to say I've suffered worse than you have. I would never compare our pain. What you've been through is truly horrific. I merely mean to say that st the very depths of our despair we feel we lose all hope, but hope can come back to you in time.

Thankyou Petals. I didn't get that impression at all. I am glad you worked through your stuff and yes, it could be worse. I think that's the thing. I can't feel awful, so I can't feel gratitude. I just don't feel anything. x

That's okay. Let your brain protect you if that's what you need for now. Just feeling flat and numb is pretty normal and part of the grieving process as well as a sort of dissociative effect from trauma.

A counsellor may be able to help, but don't rush yourself.

Youre doing great.

Looks like I got confused with another thread! So sorry.

Why did you have to leave your job op? (I also lost my amazing job due to DV..)

Just wanted to say I have huge respect for you for managing to break the cycle SteakandKidney. I'm really sorry you had to leave your job. Is there a way to keep your hand in, until your kids have grown? The children must really need you now, and I'm sure you are feeling so physically and emotionally exhausted. I hope these horrible times don't last and that you will find your energy and zest for life again. (And I hope karma has something especially grim in store for your X).

OP

Worrying about whether it’s ‘you’, if there’s something wrong with you, is so very common (I’ve lost count of the times I’ve done online quizzes, asked MH professionals if they’re sure there’s not something wrong with me). It’s also common to feel like you’re going crazy and for others to see you as crazy and paranoid. It’s normal. Look up narc abuse syndrome - I suspect you’ll find yourself nodding along.

The FO book is good but getting to meetings is so much better - you’re in a room with others where you’ll find yourselves all telling the same story, just with different actors.

Give them a call tel:08082000247 - you need as much support as you can get.

Another thought - for context - I was the child of a violent home. With my "dad" kidnapping one of us (the kids), threatening my mum to get the rest of us sent into care, all sorts... Eventually he committed suicide.

It has never once occurred to me that my mum did the wrong thing getting out or that she was to blame for any of his behaviour.

She had her own faults (why he had leverage with the SS threat) but she eventually overcame those and I have always been so proud of her.

Your children have amazing mums and they know it.

I think you need to get yourself back to work, if at all possible. You come across as one of those people who is happiest with a job.

How could you go back to work? What would need to change?

Re work I don't know.
I have a BSc first class and MA Distinction with a vocational qualification.
I've just put in a claim for income support which hopefully will tide me over the next couple of months to take the pressure off so I can find something else. Just not sure what.
I quite fancy working in mental health but the shifts wouldn't work for me. My eldest is Autistic so cannot be alone after school.

What about working with SEN kids? School hours mostly, pay is terrible as a TA but you might be able to get yourself into a steady footing and then look at retraining.

I’ve just moved from a professional job of over 20 years into being a TA. I love working with the kids and I have much more energy. I was completely burnt out in my old job.

Hi Zoflora thanks for the suggestion but to be honest I want to be away from kids! I could never be a TA, absolute respect for them.

I have no advice but you sound like an incredibly strong, intelligent and educated woman. It might not feel like it now but you've got this

I split with my ex husband 7/8 years ago now it was a very volatile relationship. I read the freedom programme book myself but after a few years I still felt terrible, women's aid suggested I do the programme as part of a group and it was completely different. Helped me move on a lot.

I hope things start to look up for you soon.

I know it sounds stupid but we went to remembrance at church today, my daughter had to go. It was so nice just to have nice people talking to me and being friendly. Could have drop kicked the 3 year old into next week like, but I just thought, there's a world out there with nice people in it. I need to go and find them. Perhaps not working will give me time

Steak that's so positive. Making new friends and surrounding myself by nice people is what got me through x

That's great steak

Not running yourself into the ground with juggling work and kids will give you more time.

I had to give up work to become a carer and honestly (putting aside the sadness and stress of illness obviously!) It's been quite good. I feel there's a whole sub culture of sahm, carers, disabled and retired people which is actually really welcoming and nice. Work culture was all about turning up super stressed and being busy whereas life atm is about concentrating on my loved ones and appreciating the little moments. My heart has grown and if/when I'm available for work again I think I'll go back with a different perspective which will be healthier for me.

OP I do a little bit of volunteering. It's a nice way to spend time, not money. I appreciate it's not easy to juggle the demands on us, which vary from day to day.

You will find there is an incredible amount of goodwill out there. Love and kindness aren't rationed (as we've been trained to accept) they're there in abundance.

I have experienced incredible kindness and consideration over the last couple of years. I'm very gradually realising that positivity begets positivity, even when it seems in such short supply.

Not to say it's easy to be positive, but it's always worth the effort.

You're fabulous. X

Thanks.
I do volunteer, but will increase it.
I'd like to start a choir for people with MH problems. Not sure how feasible it is, I am an ex-chorister and musician.
Do you not panic about pensions?

Steak... I've worked in care (sometimes with kids) and with a focus on SEN too as I have autism children also, but I've found I need a job which isn't involved in caring just now, because I have to care for my own needs. So, I get you...

I'm also musical and have thought maybe one day I could combine the SEN and musical things but that's something maybe for the future. I'm just looking to get a job that's easier, and will give me a bit of money to get by.

If you've needed to stop working because of MH issues, you could look into ESA and/or PIP maybe...

It's okay to not be helping others outside of your own nuclear family at the moment. You need healing time, and you will be much better able to give of yourself when you've had some more recovery from your own pain.

Funny you should say that, Steak. I’ve been dreaming on and off for the past year of starting a women’s choir - those who’ve been through DV/A. I’ve not gone further than dreaming about it, though.

I vote Steak and Transpeaked get together on PM and swap notes on these choirs! I would help too if I could but at the moment I am not well enough physically. But if either of you want to PM me too for a chinwag, feel free.

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment, and that it feels like it will never end. But if you had stayed, don;t you think you'd be having a harder time? Your children being attacked. You with a newborn, never knowing whether you're safe in yoru own home. You may be broke and overcrowded but you're safe, and so are your children. You son telling the teacher is a positive sign that he;s processing it. If the school is aware, they can help him with any anger issues. So you have enabled your son to break the cycle.

Life will get better. Maybe it will be tough for a long time, but you will return to work, and your children will thrive better in a non-violent home. You need support. Have you any family or friends, a local church member, a GP or social worker who could help you by listening to how you're feeling and the PTSD you're experiencing. (Because if you can't remember your youngest's birthday, it probably is something like that.) Is there a home start in your area? You need a breather and you deserve support. Just ask in as many places as you can for help.