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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to deal with this situation/unmarried with kids

54 replies

Issy777 · 10/11/2018 13:57

As my eldest dd has gotten older it has become much more of an apparent problem of me and do not being married Sad

Both dds have his surname and eldest dd constantly points it out to the point where it's quite hurtful ;"you're not a so you're the odd one out" kinda thing

Tbf I haven't been persistent about marriage at all, at the start when I met dp I was as I was quite religious and held those values, now been together 15 years so I'm not to bothered although I would like the idea of getting married mostly for kids sake

It upsets me, he has not once mentioned marriage and doesn't seem assed about it all. It's not like I'm one of those women who always mention it and beg for it but it does hurt me when I can see he's not making any move even after my dd talks like this in front of him

My eldest dd is quite close to my mum who is quite religious so some of the things she's saying could be a mirror effect on her but I did ask her the other day about it n she said "I just don't get why you're not married cos u don't have the surname"

There was also a situation when she was 8 I took her on holiday n we were stopped at customs cos I didn't have the same surname as her.... she always remembers that so it's quite traumatic as they took her into a separate room whilst they questioned me and her!

Is anyone else in this situation? And what would you do?

Thanks

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 10/11/2018 14:00

Do you want to get married?

Why don't you have a conversation with their dad?

He's leavimgvyou open to all sorts of financial difficulty in the future - read about it and sort it out

Notacluewhatthisis · 10/11/2018 14:01

If he doesn't want to get married, he doesn't want to get married.

If I held that view, no way would I be swayed because my teenager makes digs at her other parent. Not a chance would my child be making that decision.

If you want to get married, speak to him. If he doesn't, you then need to make your decision. Wether you accept that or don't.

dontalltalkatonce · 10/11/2018 14:01

No, not in this situation because there was no way I was going to have a child with a person I wasn't married to first. I sincerely hope you haven't packed in FT work or compromised your earning potential to look after the kids whilst your partner has merrily carried on, or are living in a house that doesn't belong to you because you have precious, precious little financial security with an unmarried partner.

MMmomDD · 10/11/2018 14:04

OP - what’s stopping you from telling him you want to get married?
And asking him?

For the record - and given this country’s lack of protection for the unmarried partners financial situation should the couple split up after years and children - I don’t know why anyone would have children outside of marriage.
Unless you are wealthier than your partner and/or hold a higher paying job.
But that’s me.

PookieDo · 10/11/2018 14:11

The way your DD speaks to you is not ok
You need to find out what your partner thinks of marriage. Have you just been hoping for 15 years he will propose?
You need to talk to him and also tell DD that being mean to you is not very nice, and discuss it properly in a more grown up way ‘not everyone gets married and doesn’t mean we aren’t a family’

GertrudeCB · 10/11/2018 14:13

I had this when D's was 6. I spoke to my then dp. We got married. No massive drama, just a small family wedding.

LL83 · 10/11/2018 14:15

Probably habit, 15 years in with children he probably feels you are very committed to each other. If you want marriage you will have to mention you would like it.

DD is being rude saying you are odd one out, probably a phase if it wasn't this it would be the more standard 'friends mum is much more fun/Easy going/cooler than you' teach her to be respectful to you but its a separate issue.

GertrudeCB · 10/11/2018 14:20

What about the legal protection that marriage brings?

UnscriptedTruth · 10/11/2018 14:29

It's like your partner is rejecting you by not marrying you and your daughter is rejecting you for not being married. I don't blame you for being upset. That would do a number on my self esteem and cause me to question how I fit into the family.

DiveBombingSeagull · 10/11/2018 14:31

You haven't said what your DP has said about it when marriage has been discussed.

Original poster
Issy777 · 10/11/2018 14:36

Thanks for everyone's replies
Really interesting and insightful.

I used to mention marriage to dp when we first got together he was VERY reluctant and the odd times would say when I'm in my 30s

He's now 34 but never mentions it . He has low views of women and accuses them of being a money grubber/money minded. Talks like this about his sister in law and other women he has known so since then I was always adamant not to mention marriage again as I never wanted to be accused of a "money grubber"!!

It's always sore subject and I resent it but since my daughter making these remarks it has got me thinking

I'm too scared to mention it to dp because of his views. He is a typical chauvinist alpha Male Sad

OP posts:
Churchillian · 10/11/2018 14:40

Though I am married but have kept my own name so having a different surname to your oh doesn’t reflect your marital status? You could explain that to your DD that surnames do not have any bearing on marital status?

Notacluewhatthisis · 10/11/2018 14:42

I'm too scared to mention it to dp because of his views. He is a typical chauvinist alpha Male

And yet you chose to make a life, have kids and bring them up with him?

Mynydd · 10/11/2018 14:42

I'm sorry op but I would not want to marry, or be in any way connected, to a man who has a low view of women! Why are you with him?

Mousey765 · 10/11/2018 14:48

Given your relationship sounds a little strained at the moment from other recent posts I wouldn't be pushing to get married in a hurry. It won't provide you with much protection if you're divorced not long after.

It may be worth revisiting in the future though. It is likely to be useful from a legal perspective from you if you took any time out of full time work to raise the kids.

If he never wanted to get married then it's unlikely he will, but you never know!

That said, not all women change their name when married. Not all kids have the same name as both of their parents. Explain that to DD. Because it's important for her to understand that it doesn't make a difference and that these days lots of women choose to keep their name (or double barrel, etc).

Is this about wanting to marry your DP because you love him so much/want legal protection, or about feeling "left out" because of DDs comments?

Mousey765 · 10/11/2018 14:50

The above fron me is ignoring the fact that he is a chauvinist. It's not my place to say who you find attractive- Safe to say that in itself is a bit of a non-starter really. I would be worried about your DD internalizing some of his views about women!...

Mix56 · 10/11/2018 14:56

I married entirely for administrative reasons when the DC were adults, & having kept my birth name most of my adult life, I was proud to keep it, a Hommage to my family. my heritage, my self esteem.
You could say to DD, that taking on the husband's name, was a machination when women were chattels & basically had no rights & no independence, no money & no control.if she thinks that not sharing a man's name makes you any less of a woman & a mother, she has a lot to learn & possibly think before she speaks
That aside, it sounds like your husband needs talking to, why does he allow DD speak to you in such a demeaning way?
Do you like the way he treats you ?

LemonTT · 10/11/2018 14:59

I remember your previous posts and to be honest he is not a man I would want to marry , co parent or pass the time of day with. As to him being alpha male, he sounds more like a selfish and misogynistic dick. If he has a low opinion of women that includes you, your daughter and your mother.

But as you have picked him, the decision to stay in this relationship is yours. I would just point out that he clearly has no intention of marrying you. He finds the current situation convenient and has been able to live it on his terms alone.

People may want to get married because of religious conviction you but don’t have that. I’m not sure why your mothers views would matter now. Otherwise it’s money and security. Your partner has that. He also has freedom to come and go as he pleases. So no he doesn’t want to marry you.

PartridgeJoan · 10/11/2018 15:02

Soon you'll be able to get civil partnerships as a heterosexual couple. You can change surname but there's no division of financial assets if you get it annulled

dontalltalkatonce · 10/11/2018 15:03

I wouldn't want to marry this person at all. I really hope you haven't compromised yourself financially for this man. There's about a zero chance of his marrying you and who'd want to marry a chauvinistic arse, anyhow?

parchworkpatty · 10/11/2018 15:06

PartridgeJoan sorry that is incorrect. The new civil partnership rules for heterosexual couples will confer the exact same rights at marriage.

LemonTT · 10/11/2018 15:15

Parchwood is correct. Civil partnership is apparently marriage without the patriarchy. Wouldn’t suit an “alpha male chauvinist” at all.

dontalltalkatonce · 10/11/2018 15:19

I think the entire civil partnership thing to go the way of the dodo bird. There's no need for it. It was only brought in at all because Tories didn't want homosexual people to marry. And this guy won't go for that, anyhow.

UnscriptedTruth · 10/11/2018 15:24

Your daughter has picked up that you are a subordinate. She's taunting you. What a wonderful message you can send her by telling the alpha male to fuck off and walking out the door.

EggysMom · 10/11/2018 15:31

You could explain that to your DD that surnames do not have any bearing on marital status?

This ^^ I took DH's surname by deed poll when our son was two years old, mainly to make things easier for him at school etc. We didn't marry until seven years later, a very small ceremony, done for security/admin reasons.

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