How to deal with this situation/unmarried with kids

[Issy777]

As my eldest dd has gotten older it has become much more of an apparent problem of me and do not being married

Both dds have his surname and eldest dd constantly points it out to the point where it's quite hurtful ;"you're not a so you're the odd one out" kinda thing

Tbf I haven't been persistent about marriage at all, at the start when I met dp I was as I was quite religious and held those values, now been together 15 years so I'm not to bothered although I would like the idea of getting married mostly for kids sake

It upsets me, he has not once mentioned marriage and doesn't seem assed about it all. It's not like I'm one of those women who always mention it and beg for it but it does hurt me when I can see he's not making any move even after my dd talks like this in front of him

My eldest dd is quite close to my mum who is quite religious so some of the things she's saying could be a mirror effect on her but I did ask her the other day about it n she said "I just don't get why you're not married cos u don't have the surname"

There was also a situation when she was 8 I took her on holiday n we were stopped at customs cos I didn't have the same surname as her.... she always remembers that so it's quite traumatic as they took her into a separate room whilst they questioned me and her!

Is anyone else in this situation? And what would you do?

Thanks

Sadly It sounds like your daughter is picking up the attitude from their father, contempt

With the best will in the world, I am going to call you naive op.

If I were you, I would think less about the "religious blessing " side of things and more about your financial security.

Have you continued with your career? Could you support yourself financially if you split? Will you have a good pension? What is your housing situation? If you were married you would almost certainly be entitled to at least 50% of everything... if not, you could be up shit creek without a paddle if he decides to pull the plug on your relationship.

I sincerely hope that this isn't the case for you, op, but this is why many posters on here say that they wouldn't consider having children without the security of marriage. There have been many many people on here who found out the hard way that not being married put them in a very vulnerable position. (Obviously, this doesn't apply to women - or men - who keep up their careers, are independently wealthy etc.)

OP

You said at the start that you want to get married for the children’s sake. Not for religious reasons or love or financial security. So what’s stopping you ? How will the standard (muchrepeated) debate on the relative importance of marriage change your situation. It won’t.

TBH, I am quite frustrated with the slant of your posts. They start off with the latest dick behaviour of the “Alpha Male Chauvanist”. Then instead of addressing that you try to start a conceptual debate on a tangential issue.

People are trying to give you advice on your situation which you are avoiding. It will not be helpful unless you are honest about the situation with this man. It doesn’t matter what we think or what we would do, what are you going to do? Apart from posting another tale of life with the Alpha Male chauvinist in a few weeks time and asking our views on the price of cheese.

You don't want to mention marriage to your partner of 15 years because you don't want to seem money grabbing? Does he not yet know after 15 years that you're not after his money?