How to deal with this situation/unmarried with kids

[Issy777]

As my eldest dd has gotten older it has become much more of an apparent problem of me and do not being married

Both dds have his surname and eldest dd constantly points it out to the point where it's quite hurtful ;"you're not a so you're the odd one out" kinda thing

Tbf I haven't been persistent about marriage at all, at the start when I met dp I was as I was quite religious and held those values, now been together 15 years so I'm not to bothered although I would like the idea of getting married mostly for kids sake

It upsets me, he has not once mentioned marriage and doesn't seem assed about it all. It's not like I'm one of those women who always mention it and beg for it but it does hurt me when I can see he's not making any move even after my dd talks like this in front of him

My eldest dd is quite close to my mum who is quite religious so some of the things she's saying could be a mirror effect on her but I did ask her the other day about it n she said "I just don't get why you're not married cos u don't have the surname"

There was also a situation when she was 8 I took her on holiday n we were stopped at customs cos I didn't have the same surname as her.... she always remembers that so it's quite traumatic as they took her into a separate room whilst they questioned me and her!

Is anyone else in this situation? And what would you do?

Thanks

I'm too scared to mention it to dp because of his views. He is a typical chauvinist alpha Male

No, he is an abusive dick. An alpha male would defend his mate. He has said fuck off to his mate.

If you are too scared to do it for your own sake then you NEED to do it for the sake of the financial security of your children. You have made a big mistake in not insisting on marriage before having children and now you need to stop making the same mistake every minute of your lives together. You need to find your inner lioness.

You need to really, really make a stand about this.

Sorry OP but I agree with the posters who’ve pointed out it was an error to have children with him before marriage. Why would he want to change the status quo now?

You had 2 kids with him knowing his views about women and marriage.

He won't marry you and he didn't really say he would.

You could change your name by deed poll if that's all the problem is. I'd be more worried about my financial security though. Is the house in joint names? Are you working? Have you got a pension arranged?

Tbh you've walked into a trap really. You've had DC with him so what incentive is there for him to marry you?

Call me naive but from the majority of the posters on here, it seems marriage is expected as a financial security?!?
Am I wrong? I seriously have never thought this way at all and find it odd? What happened to marrying someone you love as a union-ship and for God? A religious blessing ?

I have never thought that marriage should justify my financial security.. it doesn't make sense to me, if you're a single women in her 30s you are financially dependent on yourself so why look to the man/husband?! I can understand in terms of him financing the children etc
Also, what if the woman earns more? Sorry naively baffled here tbh

marriage is a financial commitment and nothing else

It ensures you don't pay death duty, you can remain in the marital home if he does die first etc otherwise you may end up paying 40% tax.
It means anything he leaves will go to you automatically and not his next of kin, his parents, it means you as a wife can chose where when and how they are buried.
It also means he has a reaponsibily to you as far as housing etc goes

Look it up

It's not about romance

he has a low view of women and you are scared of him but you would marry him. Mystified.

OP, I love my husband madly. It was one of the great joys in my life to declare it so in front of the most important people to me.

But marriage is, at its core, a contract. Personally, I couldn't see myself marrying someone I didn't love (though I could see myself loving someone I didn't marry). But if I was building a life with someone, I would insist on this simple contrast that does so much to protect usand any childrenso well.

I don't understand how people are horrified to travel without insurance but rumble along blithely building a family without protecting themselves.

I wouldn't marry someone I was scared of. He doesn't sound charming.

Marriage makes it easier in pure financial terms for the "main carer" to get the other parent to properly support the children in the event of a split. It can also compensates for loss of earnings one parent might suffer due to child raising.
There is at least one MNer who is struggling to get her children's father to sell their joint house so she can recoup her asset.
There are also a number of other financial advantages.

Marriage was always a legal contract before it was "romantic". Legal things last, and are a firm basis for children. Romance is nice but doesn't pay the rent.

And how you can feel romantic about such a misogynist I don't know...

Op- if you split up where would you live? Could you support yourself and your children? Do you and your partner have wills?

Are you frightened of him?

Me and DP aren’t married and have 4 DC. Very much in love but no interest in a big fancy day just to have a title.

Funnily enough (as adults) we are smart enough to have wills. Anything he has 50% goes to me, the remaining 50% is split between my DS, our 4 D.C. and his godson.

Earn less than him, but if he wants to fuck up our relationship then funnily enough I don’t particularly want anything off him

They took an 8 year old into a separate room? Where did this happen?

“Earn less than him, but if he wants to fuck up our relationship then funnily enough I don’t particularly want anything off him“

Are you on the deeds of the house? Or on the rental agreement?

It is possible to recreate nearly all the protections that marriage gives women and their children but it involves actually doing stuff. This is something many women do not understand. If you are not married please look into this today!

It's fine not to be married. Your problem is your daughter being so disrespectful to you so deal with that as a separate issue. It's not always in a woman's interests to get married if she earns more or has more assets as you've said (although I don't know if you're in this situation?)

Don't tie yourself to a horrible man just because you think you should. Much harder to get out of when it goes tits up.

I've been (& still sort of are) in your position.
It used to break my heart when my youngest said that type of thing to me.
My partner absolutely did not want to get married, but seeing how hurt I was & how annoyed I was whenever anyone said 'your turn next'. He proposed 2 years ago.
I was overjoyed but quickly realised that it was to really keep me placated.
I've had to accept that marriage is not that important to him
It is sad after 15yrs together butI'm not going to leave him because he doesn't want to marry me.

My advice to you op is to sit down with your oh & yell him how you feel then move on from that. But don't be disheartened. Marriage is not the everything. Also if it is the surname that's a problem.
Remember as your daughters grow up when they get married there names will (most likely) change anyway!
And no matter what surname they have, they are your babies!!

Im not married and i regret giving my children their dads surnames. I live with them alone, raise tjem, do most of tje donkeywork and they dont even have my name. Any of them. Im considering double barreling them

Not being married is fine if you are entirely self supporting. If you split or one of you dies, unless you have gone to some trouble to ensure you are protected legally things can go very wrong. If you have compromised your earning to care for the family and you split if you are unmarried you will get nothing on divorce your contribution would be recognised and he would be forced to ensure you and the children were protected financially . He knows this which is why he won’t marry. It’s not “alpha” it’s being a bastard.

Wills and owning as joint tenants are weak protections as either one can be changed unilaterally very easily.

How hurtful of your daughter. If one of my children spoke like that to me, I would be going through them like a dose of salts! How old is she?

If you like, you can tell her that because mothers carry our children inside us for 9 months and give birth, that's stronger than any surname. You can say dads kindof need the name to show society they're the father, and you allowed him to give them his surname.

Whether the parents want to marry or not is between you and your DP, your daughter does not get a say. It doesn't sound like your DP is much of an alpha male to me, he sounds more like a spineless shit if he hasn't got your back. You need to stand up to her comments because it sounds like he isn't going to.

Or you can go nuclear with a smiley "I would marry your dad tomorrow if he really wanted to" - in front of him. Then she could nag him instead.

What happened to marrying someone you love as a union-ship and for God? A religious blessing ?

Well you don’t have that either so you tell us!

God won’t give you the practicalities you and your family would benefit from in life. God also hasn’t given you a man who respects you or any female. That’s especially worrying given it’s virtually inevitable that women are the most impacted by having children.

Let me guess, you follow traditional roles? You do the bulk of everything home related and it’s his job is to provide? Your marriage is good because you fit in around him and his ideals but would fall apart if you didn’t?

You’re being very naive to be with someone who doesnt see you as an equal, doesn’t respect the female gender and that you’re too scared to express yourself to in case you upset him.

If the only thing that’s bothering you is the surname, change it by deedpole.

Good luck.

Marriage is often referred to as just a bit of paper. That paper is a legally binding contract that protects you. Yes people do it for the love and romance because people have turned it into an event. Years down the line it is only the contract that matters not the cake or dress. He doesn't sound like a great guy from what you have written. Get yourself financially secure. Have your own assets and sit your girls down and take the opportunity to teach them that marriage is a legal ceremony. Ask them why they think it's so important. Point out her surname is part of her identity as yours is for you and that you don't have to give it up. Don't marry him because your girls taunt you. Educate them and protect yourself

Sorry op but he sounds horrible. No way I’d marry him. It’s quite common for kids to have different surnames from one of their parents and many women don’t change their name on marriage. Tell your dd that and bring her up with some feminist values.