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Original poster

Please let me know if I am being out of order...

61 replies

deludedanddazed · 09/11/2018 13:23

Hello. Quick back story. Have been with my partner for 3 years. During these 3 years there have been a handful of situations where he has been unfaithful. I have decided to stay each time and work through it. The latest situation being in June of this year. We are working through it and can honestly say that things have never been better between the two of us.

He is going out tonight to a big party where there will be plenty of ex 'flings'. I have been invited but do not want to go as I have not been feeling great recently. I have expressed to him that I am anxious about it and hope that he does not do anything to jeopardise us.

He then says that he is sorry that I feel like that and that he doesnt have to go to the party. I have said that I want him to go and have a nice time. I apologise for saying what I did and that I do trust him and know things are different this time. Then suddenly he turns. Says that he cant believe that I expect him to get with women when he goes out and that he is angry and upset at me.

I apologise another couple of times and say "I love you."

He says that he finds it hard to say I love you back at the moment because he is so upset and angry. He then says he cant do this.

Have I been out of order here? In my mind I have just tried to express my feelings and be as open as I can Sad

OP posts:
OverTheHedgeSammy · 09/11/2018 13:27

You are not out of order, not at all. HE is, big time. He has broken your trust, and more than once. It takes longer to regain the trust once it's been broken. Instead of trying to reassure you, he is angry that you think he might cheat on you when he HAS cheated on you???!!!!

OverTheHedgeSammy · 09/11/2018 13:28

Also, if he has cheated several times over a three year relationship, please, please, please, ask yourself, why are you still with him? He has proven to be very careless with your heart, and he will continue to break it.

BigusBumus · 09/11/2018 13:28

He sounds like he's trying to create an argument on purpose- right before heading off to a party where his flings will be....

You are not out of order. He sounds like a dick.

Seren96 · 09/11/2018 13:31

... is it perhaps that he didn't realise that you were feeling that way , and when you apologised and told him the reason why that he then got upset and angry? He has made lots of mistakes by the sounds of it. BUT you have made a choice to stay with him and every time he goes out, he deserves to be able to do that without you telling him you're worried every single time. Again I'm not excusing his past actions, but if you choose to stay in a relationship it has to be balanced and perhaps he can't handle you constantly throwing it back at him when you've apparently made a decision to trust him. Hope
You're ok. X

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 09/11/2018 13:32

We are working through it. .
What a crock of shit.

YOU haven't done anything wrong.
Except believe the cheating twat will stop being, well a cheating twat.
HE WON'T.

HollowTalk · 09/11/2018 13:33

I would take all my things from the house/flat and do a runner while he's at the party.

Think about it. Your mind is fried at the moment. You are apologising for being suspicious, when you've already found him cheating several times. This isn't right, OP. It's not a mentally healthy place to be.

category12 · 09/11/2018 13:35

Why are you staying with someone who is continually unfaithful to you?

Are you a really awful person? Why do you think you're worth so little?

Seren96 · 09/11/2018 13:36

... my post may sound like I'm defending him. I'm not at all. I just mean that you can't change someone and relationships have to be balanced and equal. For whatever reasons you don't trust him and that's the basis of any healthy relationship and he's obviously frustrated with being accused / not trusted. I do know a few people who have worked through cheating and now se very happy, but if the same row keeps continuing then maybe it isn't healthy x

CryptoFascist · 09/11/2018 13:36

He's really done a number on you, hasn't he?
I can't believe you're apologising for thinking he might cheat on you - when he has cheated on you and is planning a night out with some of his cheating partners!
I can't believe he'd think you'd want to go and socialize with him and them. You poor love, your self esteem must be in the gutter to even consider it.
Please, please join the Freedom Programme and have a look at their online course. You don't have to do anything apart from read the material, I think it might help you start to realise how badly the wool's been pulled over your eyes.

pallisers · 09/11/2018 13:37

If I were you I would either resign myself to an open relationship or dump him. Because no way is he ever going to be faithful to you.

I suspect his offence at your distrust means he is gearing up for another fling.

You can do a lot better than this.

maximumcarnage · 09/11/2018 13:38

Sounds like an act to me, feigning indignation at the mere possibility that he might stray. Now that you've 'upset' him, well he deserves to go to that party and have a good time. And if that good time involves some pretty young thing, well he deserves it because you were so 'unreasonable'.

To be honest I rolled my eyes at the part where you said he had been unfaithful a few times, least that you know of. Now don't get me wrong, this place does tend to take shots at us blokes. But in this case, I would have to say you can do better. No one wants to upend their lives, leave the comfort of routine and the devil you know. But you can get a happier and better life without this cretin. Any decent guy, especially with that track record, would immediately refuse the party. Instead planning a decent meal in with you, bottle of wine (recommend a Merlot) and restore a little faith in you. But no.

Walk away.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 09/11/2018 13:40

I can maybe understand working through things if he had been unfaithful once and seemed truly genuinely regretful but this bloke is just a twat who has probably cheated on you numerous times that you aren’t even aware of, and will continue to do so. He’s making an absolute fool and a mug out of you. Send him to the party and don’t let him back in.. ever. Get some self respect back and get an STI test as well. You are worth more than this.

AnyFucker · 09/11/2018 13:43

What the hell happened to you that this is acceptable ?

" A handful of times in 3 years" equates to constant shagging about

He isn't going to stop. You need to accept this.

whatsorceryisthis · 09/11/2018 13:45

Deludedanddazed - have a (((hug)))

Now then please correct me if I am wrong but, your partner has on a number of occasions abused both your trust and your love and chose to cheat and you are now apologising to him for telling him that this upcoming social evening is causing you anxiety? Why? Now he cant tell you he loves you as he is angry and upset because you chose to tell him how his past behaviour has made you feel? So he is shifting the blame onto you?

I suggest you have a think about how much more mental peace you would have without having to deal with this type of abusive behaviour in your life my lovely and give some serious thought about your future with a person that is willing to put his desires before your happiness.

In answer to your question no, you havent been out of order in the slightest and in my opinion, he should be eternally grateful you are staying with him and he should be doing whatever you need him to do to make you secure in this relationship again.

NotANotMan · 09/11/2018 13:45

When you say your relationship has been better than ever, since he cheated for the umpteenth time less than 6 months ago, do you mean you're having lots of sex? Because that's a well established phenomenon, known as hysterical bonding.
Really and truly your relationship can't be better than ever unless it really is the shittest relationship in existence. No relationship where one party keeps cheating and the other can't trust!

IStandWithPosie · 09/11/2018 13:47

OP come on!!

This guy will not change! This will be your life for as long as you are with him. Every time he goes out you will feel the same anxiety of wondering if he will cheat.

You don’t actually want that, do you? Why?

Oddsocksandmeatballs · 09/11/2018 13:48

You've been together three years yet he has already cheated a handful of time and now he has engineered this argument? When he cheats again, and he will, it will be your 'fault' for not trusting him. What does he bring to this relationship because, to my eyes, he brings an awful lot of misery and not a whole lot of joy.

TokyoSushi · 09/11/2018 13:49

OP!! 'A handful of times in 3 years' that's completely unacceptable. Yes he's forced the argument today so you can't blame him if he strays tonight as you'd upset and annoyed him.

Open your eyes and walk away from this twat man.

swingofthings · 09/11/2018 13:55

So what were his reasons to explain his cheating, ie. Mistakes not once but a handful of times that made you feel that it was worth staying with him and trust that he wouldn't do it again?

BitOutOfPractice · 09/11/2018 13:55

He's definitely engineering a row so that he can do what he likes at this bash.

Original poster
deludedanddazed · 09/11/2018 14:03

Sad don't know what to do. Doesn't help that this was all over text. I told him that I wasn't "doing this either" and I haven't heard anything back. This was an hour ago. We don't live together so won't even get a chance to see him before he goes.

OP posts:
Original poster
deludedanddazed · 09/11/2018 14:04

@Seren96 This is only the second time I have mentioned that I was anxious about what could possibly happen. The first was a month ago when he was away for work.

OP posts:
Storm4star · 09/11/2018 14:06

I'm sorry but if he was "working through it" he wouldn't be going to a party alone where his ex flings are! He'd be home with you having a romantic evening. I agree with pp's. He's giving himself an excuse to cheat tonight so that if you find out he can blame it all on you. Please find some self esteem and look after you. He doesn't care about you. That much is clear. So you need to start thinking about yourself. You can do so much better than this.

Rednaxela · 09/11/2018 14:06

Wtf

This isn't a relationship OP. He is using you.

Kick him to the kerb

Snowscreen · 09/11/2018 14:06

He sounds like he's trying to create an argument on purpose- right before heading off to a party where his flings will be....

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