Married but feel lonely as DH leaves everything for me to do

[AddictedToSkittles]

DH and I have been together for 15 years, and have 2 DC aged 14 and 8.

DH and I get on well, rarely argue, have a laugh etc but I feel so lonely and fed up as he does nothing in the house, nothing with the kids, and just leaves everything to me. I feel as though he's just killing our marriage.

I work school hours Monday-Friday (in school holidays too). DH works full time for our own business and I also spend a lot of time at home doing paperwork for our business too.

Every little thing is left to me; DH never gets the kids school uniforms ready. He doesn't make their packed lunches. He doesn't help them with homework. He does no cleaning. No cooking. No food shopping. Nothing!

At weekends he has a hobby he does all day every Saturday and then on Sunday all he wants to do is sit and play on the Xbox.

I get depressed as I feel as though we're not a team. There is no 'all hands on deck' to get things done and run the household. After I had the DC, especially the youngest, DH did nothing for me or in the house, wouldn't even make me some toast or bring me a drink whilst breastfeeding.

I've tried to talk to him about it so many times. He doesn't see the problem and basically says he is what he is and I shouldn't want to change him! I don't want to change his whole personality; I'd just like him to pull his weight even a little bit.

Like I said above, I feel like his behaviour is killing our marriage. I permanently feel resentful and pissed off. What do I do? Do I just accept things as they are? Try harder to change him? Or eventually end up splitting up when I get yet more resentful and angry inside?

I sympathise as have v similar situation and sadly its a common problem. My partner works long hours but I work too; he does no housework; cooks on occassions; spends little time with our DH who he takes to school once a week (after i’ve sorted PE kit/packed lunch before going to work). He never offers to do anything like take DS to swimming etc and would quite happily let me do it all whilst he “works” on laptop.
We have to be firm and tell them what we want them to do; make subtle changes; can you join an exercise class at wknd and arrange a night in week with a girlfriend? Its hard though. I chuckled last night as DP said we should contact school about something waiting for me to say ‘i’ll do that..” but i didnt and he said do you want to do it and i said no you contact the teacher! He was shocked and i nearly burst out laughing. Am making subtle changes to my behaviour....

Why should he change?

You do it all and always have done.

You could just....not.

Stop his washing/paperwork/cooking for him maybe?

You have to start somewhere.

Of course you don't argue because you let him get away with not taking an active role in bringing up his own children. If you held him to account for reneging on his own duties, you would argue a hell of a lot.

Have you tried spelling out to him the consequences of his (in)actions?

Maybe you should make him book a weeks holiday so you can go somewhere while he stays home and parents?

Or mark up a calendar showing what each of you is doing hour by hour every week.

For each weekend hour you could put for him:

9-10 Pretends to be single with no children
10-11 Pretends to be single with no children
Etc.

Is he happy? I suppose he is. I know so many happy men married to unhappy women. Because they prioritise their wants over the family's need. But you won't change him. So you will need to work out if you want this forever.

I feel you have trained him well. He doesn't do things, and in response you have just done everything.

It's high time to show him just how much you do by NOT DOING IT.

Leave it all go. He'll be the first to notice I bet!
Tell him, you're done with it. He's not acri g like a partner, no, its not a team because hes doing nothing.
Like others say...just don't do it. Do you own job and then either paperwork, or housework. If you think he's more likely to do the paperwork the leave that, but don't do it all.
He's extremely unreasonable, and clearly is a shit father to treat his DC this way. They will know him for who he is, and they deserve better. Sadly, he is also perpetuating a role stereotype too.

I wish I were your husband, OP, I wouldn't change either. I always felt that if I were a man I would definitely not be a feminism ally, I would much rather have a housekeeper and childminder, so that I could get on with not changing.

If I stop doing things he doesn't pick up the slack or start doing them himself, he just leaves them.

Yes, leaving it completely is hard OP as you suffer the consequences (dirty house etc). Try talking to him in a firm, calm way with just you two, not late at night you need the environment to be as calm as possible so he can’t blame the talk on you being ‘hysterical’. Maybe even having this talk in a neutral environment away from the home?

Explain to him how much it affects you and make clear what you would like to happen- he needs clear instructions and guidance. Try hard not to get to emotional when discusssing this (hard I know).

As others have said please start getting some hobbies for yourself, otherwise life will pass you by and all your time would have been spent doing housework.

Please don’t blame yourself for his behaviour, it’s an easy trap to fall into

He would have to do them if he is single. You need to spell that out to him.

Treat him like the single man with no kids he acts as and stop doing his laundry etc.

He sounds a wanker and awful - playing x box all day, WTAF!
He's a father, not a young teenager, even my 13 year old doesn't have the time or inclination for this.

I couldn't respect a man like this, actually it's just not manly is it. YUK Time to get tough OP...

I couldn’t love a man like this. He’s happy to continue like this, of course, he has a free slave for life. No concern for your feelings.

Do you think he loves you, as a person? Or does he just love what you do for him?

Time to sit down and list household jobs.
Then develop a chore chart, ask him to pick the chores he will do. Make sure he understands the consequences of not doing them. For example if he picks shopping and does not do it, you have to eat what is in the house.
Won’t do the washing, then he has no clean clothes.
List all you do and all he does and ask him if he feels this is fair.
Unless he is a complete ass hat, he will get it.
Our chore chart is on the kitchen door, and has evolved as kids got older and got allocated their own chores.

You're letting your children see that this behaviour is OK, because you put up with it and seethe internally.

If he won't change, then you have a couple of choices -

• stay and find some way of letting go of the resentment for living with a full grown adult who thinks you're his skivvy
• leave. Lot less work without that lazy full grown adult.

So if that's who he is, who are you supposed to be? The lackey who does everything he can't be bothered to do in addition to everything else.

Fuck that. I would be telling him that the business paperwork help, his washing, ironing, cooking, general picking up after him is going to stop. If that doesn't instigate a sea change I would be leaving him.

Life is too short to put up with crumbs.

For the poster who said this type of behaviour is common, it’s not. My DH and friends and family DH’s do their share, at least 50%, of tasks relating to home and family.

Your issue is you have allowed this behaviour to become the norm - only you can make things change.

I don't have a DH like this but I have certainly known plenty of women that do, including two of my sisters so saw a lot over the years. They are a lot older than me, almost old enough to be my Mum. One was widowed two years ago, and had forty years of this, she married her first BF at 18 her DH was like yours and never did a thing. She really loved him though was resentful, we had many stop being a doormat conversations over the years.

She has recently got a boyfriend, he shares her life in a decent, helpful wants to do things for her way, she struggled to let him do anything she is so used to looking after everyone. The change in her is huge, she looks amazing, it's like she is suddenly truly alive.

You need to have a proper conversation with him and then if he doesn't start to do things you need to stop doing everything for him, he needs that shock to the system. Let the house become an absolute tip but tell him why, that you are no longer prepared to be a skivvy.

I blame the patriarchy! And also your lazy husband.

Love is about wanting someone to have a good life, not tricking someone into being your slave so you can loaf around while they clean up your shit. He's basically acting as if you are inferior to him.

I'd sit down with your DH and two weekly schedules showing what you do and what he does. Ask whether it's fair. Ask why he should have 4x or whatever more leisure time than you.

Ultimately you have to be prepared to leave him if you're not going to do this for the rest of your life. I'd tell him that plainly, that you might stick it out for a few years for the sake of the kids but he shouldn't expect the maidservant treatment forever.

I don't really know what anyone could say that could make a difference as you surely know all of this stuff already.

He doesn't do his share of the work because he thinks he shouldn't have to and he knows you will do it all anyway. He doesn't care that this is unfair or that you're struggling, he is happy to continue this way and has told you outright that he is unwilling to change. Put simply he doesn't care enough about you and your shared DC to pull his weight and commit the effort required in order to support his family. I know this sounds harsh but I have simply rewritten what you have already told us.

So the question is what are you going to do about it? You know your options and so far have chosen to stick it out despite feeling increasingly resentful. I guess you have to decide if you can just get over this resentment and live like this for the rest of your days or if the resentment will end up slowly killing the relationship anyway in which case it may be kinder for everyone to just end things now. I wouldn't say there is a sensible chance that he will change as not only has he failed to show any inclination to do this so far but he has explicitly told you he isn't going to consider this.

I agree with the poster that said you are teaching your children that this is a household is run, that the woman does everything.

How to change it? No idea I'm afraid. Maybe start by just cooking for you and the kids

I feel like his behaviour is killing our marriage. I permanently feel resentful and pissed off. What do I do?

I say go to counceling, maybe this is somehow a misunderstanding.
We ahd a similar situation, we went to a couple of counseling sessions, specifically with the interest of communication and housework and trips. It helped us.

You really don't have to go to counselling to be able to walk up to him and tell him straight, either he pulls his weight, or you'll take that as him not wanting to be a partner, because he isn't currently, and you will stop doing anything for him too. (Leave his laundry, cook only for yourselves)/make it clear to the DC what you are doing and they will see very clearly its not on.
I imagine they already have issues with him, consciously verbalised or not. It will make them wonder why he ignores them, and this will be bad for their well-being.