Married but feel lonely as DH leaves everything for me to do

[AddictedToSkittles]

DH and I have been together for 15 years, and have 2 DC aged 14 and 8.

DH and I get on well, rarely argue, have a laugh etc but I feel so lonely and fed up as he does nothing in the house, nothing with the kids, and just leaves everything to me. I feel as though he's just killing our marriage.

I work school hours Monday-Friday (in school holidays too). DH works full time for our own business and I also spend a lot of time at home doing paperwork for our business too.

Every little thing is left to me; DH never gets the kids school uniforms ready. He doesn't make their packed lunches. He doesn't help them with homework. He does no cleaning. No cooking. No food shopping. Nothing!

At weekends he has a hobby he does all day every Saturday and then on Sunday all he wants to do is sit and play on the Xbox.

I get depressed as I feel as though we're not a team. There is no 'all hands on deck' to get things done and run the household. After I had the DC, especially the youngest, DH did nothing for me or in the house, wouldn't even make me some toast or bring me a drink whilst breastfeeding.

I've tried to talk to him about it so many times. He doesn't see the problem and basically says he is what he is and I shouldn't want to change him! I don't want to change his whole personality; I'd just like him to pull his weight even a little bit.

Like I said above, I feel like his behaviour is killing our marriage. I permanently feel resentful and pissed off. What do I do? Do I just accept things as they are? Try harder to change him? Or eventually end up splitting up when I get yet more resentful and angry inside?

No, our fathers generation and, still patriarchal, society dies this. This is male entitlement, not female making it happen. No magic bean removes this, and the woman has to get to the point of getting g out before some will take any notice,and not even then some

I realise this but why did she put up with it for 15 years though? I don't understand how anyone would just be ok with falling into the role of house slave

I grew up with my dad being like this, never doing anything around the house, never being a partner to my mum. I swore I wouldn’t have it in my own relationship, it’s soul destroying.

Say to him - your refusal to be an actual life partner is making me not love you. Do you actually love me, because your behaviour does not suggest that.

Counselling could well be helpful. I’m sure he’s not being willfully mean but he is being stupid.

Oh and maybe you should just go out and leave him to it, see how he likes it.

I hear you. My DH would quite happily live like a pig in shit. I can’t bear the mess and stress.

Can you afford a cleaner? It’s time to reset the balance but it ain’t gonna come from him.

We got a cleaner a few weeks back now and it’s made a big difference. I still resent my DH but just a little bit less now and more time for ME xx

OP said only last 4 yrs, like a switch flicked

He won't change unless it's forced on him, and even then maybe he won't.

Realistically, if you want him to actually do something then you have to do something drastic. He's clearly shown you that talking to him and telling him how it makes you feel means fuck all to him.

So you either stop doing absolutely anything for him - no dinner, no clothes, no food in the house, no paperwork for work - or you give him and ultimatum and then leave.

There’s definitely a point of equilibrium though, and you need to find it. So if I like it done one way and he likes it another way I need to accept if he does it he’s doing it his way. Otherwise I’m re-enforcing the idea that it’s my responsibility and he’s helping me out.

But I have accepted that although 7 pairs of socks on the floor annoys me, it will annoy me more to have to pick them up every day so I’m grinning and baring it.

Stop doing his washing

Stop doing his ironing

When he leaves dirty clothes on the floor put them in the bottom of his wardrobe

Every time you go to do something for him think could he do it ....

Next time he's in on a weekend get up before he does leave for the day leave him with the kids ...

Don't accept this you've let him get away with this take responsibility and make him realise it's not easy to run a house ..

How on earth has it taken you 15 years to get to this point?

It needs to end now. Changing him wont work. You need to separate. You deserve love, respect and support.

He actually sounds like a toddler with his whining. Do you want an extra child?

I've decided that I'm going to give him one more opportunity to change and put things right but that I can't carry on this way if he doesn't/won't.

I am hoping that we can go out for something to eat one evening this weekend, just the two of us, and I will talk to him then.

i doubt your 'talk' will change his ways - he's already told you he's not changing the cushy ride he's been on for 14 years.

More fool you for enabling it and choosing to stay with him.

Have you thoroughly re read your thread? Do you want to waste more of your life on this man ?

Do you each take a salary from the business?
Is it in joint names?
Is your role in doing admin for the business fairly acknowledged?

I would want to make sure all the financial stuff was in order before having any discussions.

Make certain that if you do split, you will get everything you are entitled to and that all your work both in and out of the home is taken into account.

OP, he is never going to change. Let me repeat that, he is never going to change. I’ve been in your position. No amount of talks, counselling, begging etc will result in him becoming more responsible and an active member of your household. Posters suggesting you just stop doing things for him are not helping. I’ve done it. I stopped cleaning up the cigarette stubs left in the back garden - we ended up with hundreds of them and the kids could no longer play there. I stopped picking up and washing his dirty clothes and he just wore dirty stuff or washed a couple of his own things he wanted to wear that day. There will come a point when you realise he just doesn’t love you enough to want to make your life easier. His priority is himself. His priority will always be himself. The poster who said the resentment of doing everything was like poison dripping onto their relationship was spot on. Ending a marriage is an incredibly difficult, heartbreaking experience but I couldn’t spend the rest of my life being someone’s servant and nor should you. My children will not be raised to think that’s normal or acceptable because it’s not. Xx

Shocking, and disgusting, I despise men like this, he's not even a man, he's a con artist, conned you into thinking he was a good decent man and husband, would support you and treat you as an equal, then have children and share the care and nurture; he's done absolutely fuck all of any of it; no wonder he's happy and you are about to blow your top!

So angry for you OP, I'd not put up with this a minute longer, even if you have been putting up, enough is enough, tell him you want to have a trial separation, believe me when the real shit hits the fan it will be you once again managing all the plates, imagine if he gets ill, you will be the one doing even more cos I guarantee if you get ill, you won't see him for dust, this is not a marriage, it's not even a relationship.

I don't know how you fucken stand the cretin.

He has you well trained OP, like a chained up dog, absolutely vile person, you actually think it's normal because you've been doing it for so long.

My questions were like Endofthelinefinally - you call it 'our' business but is it actually jointly owned? You don't seem to be paid for the work that you do for it, why not? (He is).

I would say the first place to start in terms of cutting back on your work is doing the business admin, let him do it or let him pay someone to do it. If it's a question of 'oh but then we'll be late with VAT payments' or whatever - yes. The point is that you have picked up after him for 15 years and he has never felt the consequences of his neglect of his responsibilities. Time to start.