Married but feel lonely as DH leaves everything for me to do

[AddictedToSkittles]

DH and I have been together for 15 years, and have 2 DC aged 14 and 8.

DH and I get on well, rarely argue, have a laugh etc but I feel so lonely and fed up as he does nothing in the house, nothing with the kids, and just leaves everything to me. I feel as though he's just killing our marriage.

I work school hours Monday-Friday (in school holidays too). DH works full time for our own business and I also spend a lot of time at home doing paperwork for our business too.

Every little thing is left to me; DH never gets the kids school uniforms ready. He doesn't make their packed lunches. He doesn't help them with homework. He does no cleaning. No cooking. No food shopping. Nothing!

At weekends he has a hobby he does all day every Saturday and then on Sunday all he wants to do is sit and play on the Xbox.

I get depressed as I feel as though we're not a team. There is no 'all hands on deck' to get things done and run the household. After I had the DC, especially the youngest, DH did nothing for me or in the house, wouldn't even make me some toast or bring me a drink whilst breastfeeding.

I've tried to talk to him about it so many times. He doesn't see the problem and basically says he is what he is and I shouldn't want to change him! I don't want to change his whole personality; I'd just like him to pull his weight even a little bit.

Like I said above, I feel like his behaviour is killing our marriage. I permanently feel resentful and pissed off. What do I do? Do I just accept things as they are? Try harder to change him? Or eventually end up splitting up when I get yet more resentful and angry inside?

This is someone who doesn't care about those around him, all you can do is give him an opportunity to prove this wrong

If I stop doing things he doesn't pick up the slack or start doing them himself, he just leaves them. he’d soon notice when he had no clean clothes or food on the table!

Why would he change? He’s living the life of reily...

He doesn’t see the problem because it isn’t for him

I agree with pp stop doing anything for him or leave

Just tell him, you either start doing half of the chores and spell out exactly what he has to do, or I'm leaving you and getting a divorce. No need for any confusion. Ask him if he understands and say you are serious.

Don't people have these conversations with their boyfriends before they get married?

Also if the kids are 14 and 8, why cant they make their own packed lunches and sort out their uniforms?

I’ve been feeling like this recently too, DH does do stuff around the house but I have to ask him to it. And he spends a lot of his time on his phone playing stupid games or on Twitter, while I’m quite clearly in front of him struggling to get a 2 year old dressed or trying to dish up dinner with children shouting and fighting. I spoke to him a few weeks ago and basically said I had had enough with everything and I’m not sure I want us to be together if this is how it’s always going to be. I feel like they’re my children and everything is my responsibility and he ‘helps me out’, definitely doesn’t see it as a partnership or team! He has been better since then, pulling his weight more so I’m hoping he’s taken what I said seriously.

If he won't pick up the slack for the household stuff then just stop doing his stuff.

No admin for him. You're too busy.
Don't wash/iron his clothes.
Cook early for the kids and you. Leave the dishes.
No life admin - car tax, mot, clothes buying.
Don't buy his favourite stuff when food shopping.

He will have to do something.

I've been married for twice as long as you, my kids are older, and any loving feelings I had towards him have been killed stone dead by his selfish lazy behaviour. The resentment is like dripping acid - it destroys a relationship drop by drop.

I wanted to leave about ten years ago, and I wish now that I had. I tried everything then - marriage counselling, talking, reasoning, shouting. I made lists, I carefully worked out fair allocation of chores and it didn't make a blind bit of difference. I believe now that he loves himself more than anyone else. If he really loved me, he wouldn't have let me carry the load alone.

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I guess the thing that hurts the most and makes me feel lonely is that I just feel totally emotionally neglected because DH puts himself first.

I don't particularly mind doing the housework but would love it if for example at weekends DH just went and made lunch for the kids or cooked a meal. It's the thinking all the time for all of us that gets to me. I want DH to see things that we all have certain things we have to strive to achieve each day in the house etc and that it's a team effort to get it all done. He sees everything as my job.

He's just told me he's going out tonight, which means another night of me having to walk the dogs, Cook tea, sort the kids out etc.

I definitely need to speak to him again.

There was once a post on here where a Mumsnetter had an out-of-the-ordinary day off work and refused to get up one morning. They had two primary-aged children and she had always struggled to get them ready before work while her DH just sailed off whenever he fancied.

Her DH rushed around like a fly and eventually begged her to help him.

I thought it was brilliant in its simplicity.

Ask him to walk the dog or some other chore BEFORE he goes out and see what he says

DH ‘let me’ have a lie in the other week because I had been up all night with a sick baby, I literally haven’t been allowed to forget that since. Even though the rest of the time I always get up with the kids while he stays in bed. I said to him to not bother next time because it’s reallt not worth the constant reminder.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I do not think that speaking to him will make any real long term difference whatsoever. And you've tried talking to him already. What you have tried to date has not worked.

What he is showing you by both word and deed here is a complete lack of respect for you as a person

I would read this as well:-

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

There is a reason why actuarially single women and married men live longer than married woman and single men.

But aside from that, we all still need to stop enabling men to do this. Our mothers generation has facilitated this, and we need to take a hard look at ourselves to check if we facilitate it, either with our own partners and with how we treat our own sons and daughters.

Could you get a cleaner out of the business money? Start changing little things.

Then remind him you are strongly looking at divorce and remind him he will lose half his business and his home.

He doesn't see the problem and basically says he is what he is and I shouldn't want to change him!

Of course he doesn't see the problem, there's no problem for him cos he gets to do what he wants, fucking hell what a selfish prick!

The other thing that he does is moans and whinges constantly; he's tired, he's hot, he's cold, the weather is too hot/cold, he needs a wee (if we're out and about), he's hungry, he's got a headache. The list is endless!

How did you allow him to get away with this for 14 years though?

No, our fathers generation and, still patriarchal, society dies this. This is male entitlement, not female making it happen. No magic bean removes this, and the woman has to get to the point of getting g out before some will take any notice,and not even then some

You have enabled this behaviour for 15 years. He isn’t going to change now is he?

speaking it not going to do anything - you need to act

The problem with blaming the Op and berating her for "enabling" this behaviour is that for starters it absolves all responsibility from the husband. His behaviour is not normal and is deliberately done to make sure he gets what he wants.

The other problem with this attitude is that it ignores the fact that the OP effectively is penalised if she attempts to leave things until her husband deigns to do them. The household and the children will be the ones to suffer until he bothers to do his fair share. He'll be well aware how much that will upset and stress AddictedToSkittles, and will use that to get his own way.

@AddictedToSkittles I would stop doing anything that is for him. Don't wash his clothes, don't cook for him. Arrange a night out for yourself and get a babysitter, and tell him the day that you're going.

Separately, I'd make it clear to him that you will be leaving him if he doesn't change his ways, starting with a serious effort at counselling.

I didn't think he behaved this way before. op said last 4 yrs only, like snapped one day and was completely different.
She does not somehow, 'make himhim' this way, just as much as she can't get him to engage or even communicate over it. Blimey

I think the best way forward is to tell him that you think this is killing the marriage and you need to change the way you do things - you are exhausted and lonely from doing all the stuff and you are sending a bad message to the kids.

Helping around the house is not going to change 'who he is' - when he's back from work he should come in and ask you what he can help with every night, and ditto on Sundays.