Sexless relationship

[thedaybeforetomorrow]

This is probably a familiar story, but here goes. So I'm in my mid-forties I've been with my partner for 12 years now, and we have 2 kids (aged 5 and 7), but we're not married. I look after myself and am pretty fit, and take care of my appearance (just in case you were thinking I'd let it all go!). I'm also a supportive partner (I believe) - I do all the cooking, lots of housework, ironing, school runs and lots of activities and homework with the kids etc. and run a successfull business which supports our family in comfort (not being a martyr, just saying I pull my weight). I love my partner dearly and she's a fantastic person and a fab mother to our kids, BUT she has almost no interest in sex. She did when we first met, and we had a happy, if not wildly exciting sex life until kids arrived. However, these days we probably have sex no more than 3-4 times a year, and even then it's brief and unadventurous. I on the other hand have healthy high sex drive, and would like to have sex 2-3 times a week at least, and for it to be more spontaneous and passionate (although I realise spontaneity is hard with kids around). We've talked about it, and she acknowledges the issue, but doesn't seem to think it's a big deal and is not interested in us seeing a therapist, or trying to re-invigorate our sex life. It's just not a priority for her, and I think she's forgotten what it feels like to have sexual desires. For me though it really is a big problem. I've tried to to forget about it (although that's practically impossible), and the lack of intimacy is really getting to me. We've become housemates almost. I don't want to have an affair, and I especially don't want emotional entanglement with another person. The idea that I might break up our otherwise happy family is too scary for words - I adore my wife and kids. So what do I do? Even if she does agree to more regular sex (which is not likely) it would be perfunctory and I would feel like I'm forcing her, which would be awful and a complete turn-off. So this is where it gets controversial... I work away from home (overseas) periodically, and have considered paying for sex (but haven't done it). Would this be morally awful? There would be no emotional entanglement, and provided I was with an older lady who was working voluntarily in "the industry", would this be such a betrayal? What is my alternative - leave the person I love and break up the family, and ruin the best thing in my life? Suppress my urges and lead an unhappy and unfulfilled life? I'm at a loss to know what to do.

Oh don't pay for sex that's pretty grim imo. I would also be very unhappy in your situation but sleeping with prostitutes isn't the way to go. For a start if you do end up sleeping with your partner you're unwittingly making her sleep with sex workers too and possibly bringing diseases into her life.
You need to speak to her about it and give her an ultimatum imo, tell her you want either see a therapist, split up or have an open marriage because you can't go on the way things are

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you?.

Would you want your children as adults to think that this is their norm too; that yes this is how people do behave in relationships.

I wonder why you are together. Is this really a happy family?. Its not it is, you are unhappy and unfulfilled. Children are perceptive and they pick up on all the vibes between you two as their parents both spoken and unspoken. I strongly believe that children would rather have two parents apart and happier in their own lives than two parents together and wallowing in their own miseries because of some selfish desire to keep the family together. Someone has to be brave here and call a halt to this and it may as well be you.

Your wife is not at all wanting to at all address why she feels as she does. That is her prerogative but it leaves you looking at a sexless relationship with her for as long as you remain together.

Does she herself realise the extent of the problems within your marriage and does she care?.

How do you think she would react and feel if she knew you were thinking about you paying for sex?.

Do not pay for sex; it would be betraying your own self as well as cheating on her. How would you at all know this woman would be working voluntarily; short answer is you would not.

I agree that paying for it really isn't the answer, and every time I've let my thoughts go down that path, the guilt and concern for the other party overrides my frustration and desire. The problem would be a lot easier to deal with if I didn't still love my partner. We get on brilliantly in all other respect - shares interests, shared tastes and she's great company. I don't think I could stand to live apart from my kids either - that would destroy me. I was married once before and divorced - I married a selfish, materialistic, vain and nasty person - I can't begin to explain why, but it only lasted a year and I know what a bad relationship looks like. This is a million miles away from that. I don't know what I really expect people to say, as there's no magic answer. Live without sex or split up the family. That's the choice I guess. Bloody horrible position to be in...

It is really tough if every other aspect is good with you. Have you ever spoken about her allowing you to sleep with other people? If she doesn't want sex that's her prerogative but she's sentencing you to a life without sex too unless she's either open to working on it or allowing you to get those needs met elsewhere

Get out and soon. I understand that you love your wife but being in a sexless marriage is soul destroying. I was in exactly the same position as you, my ExW lost all interest and used to tell me she didn't want sex at all, turns out she was cheating. When someone tells you that they don't want sex, what they really mean is that they don't want sex WITH YOU. Make your exit plan and do it on your terms.

my ExW lost all interest and used to tell me she didn't want sex at all, turns out she was cheating.

Oh that's really bad

I'm the wife in this situation within my own marriage.

I have lost all interest in sex - I'm not having an affair however. I just really have no interest in sex. It feels like yet another thing I have to do I guess.

We have separate rooms because he snores which has taken the pressure off me lying in bed next to my husband feeling his simmering resentment that I am not interested anymore.

I worry about the kids hearing us so I can't relax. Plus various things that have happened within the relationship still fester making me not attracted to him any more. However I am not interested in anyone else - if we split up I would be happy on my own with the children.

I don't know what the answer is TBH.

I think we both might be happier apart however there is no tension anymore really. We both seem to have accepted our sexless relationship and are more like friends raising children together.

Using prostitutes is wrong for so many reasons. Many are trafficked or pimped and most of the rest are doing it not out of enthusiastic choice but because they have few or no other options. You would be taking the ultimate advantage of disadvantaged women. On top of that, it's still infidelity and you make no mention of your wife being aware and supportive of you going down this route so I assume you'd be doing it without her knowledge.

Either fix your marriage, accept your marriage or leave your marriage. You need to really discuss this with your wife and make it clear this is a major issue for you that you want both of you to take seriously. There may well be addressable reasons why her sex drive has waned. If she continues to refuse to discuss it then you either accept or leave.

I agree that paying for sex isn't the answer, for all the reasons mentioned. And I know that won't solve the problem. So I'm not goign down that desperate route. I'll try again to speak to my partner, but I I have to come to terms with the idea that she may decide nothing can be done. I don't know how I'd cope with telling the kids I'm leaving, and not being around to put them to bed each night. The prospect breaks my heart. My little girl is such a daddy's girl, and my son sleeps badly when I'm away. Just to make matters worse, we're in the middle of a big house build, with some serious financial commitments. Maybe it's easier to live without sex. Guess I'll find out...

Penny 1976 - Can I ask, just for my own understanding, do you get no physical pleasure from sex any more (forgive me if I'm being too blunt)? I'm not sure that's the issue with my partner, as she does still have orgasms on the very rare occaision we get it on. I can't understand why someone wouldn't want to have that enjoyment? I can understand that if it's painful or there's a medical reason why you can't have sex, why you wouldn't want it. But if everything is functioning biologically sepaking, why would someone not want that with their partner? Maybe she doens't fancy me any more, but she insists that's not the case (although she may just be being kind). Are you able to say what things did your husband did that have caused resentment?

Trinity 66 - On your point about an open relationship, it's funny you should mention that. The other night we watched the Louis Theroux programme about poly-amorous relationships. Unprompted, she said "i could never put up with that!". So that's one option closed then...!!

How about going to see a sex therapist? Would she be open to that?

The other night we watched the Louis Theroux programme about poly-amorous relationships. Unprompted, she said "i could never put up with that!".

I don't think most people could tbf but if she's refusing to even try and resolve this issue then she really is forcing you to never have sex, that's cruel imo if she isn't open to allowing you to get it elsewhere.

Can you talk to her openly about it?

Perhaps take her away for a long weekend just the two of you. She’s probably shattered & does see sex as another chore. But maybe some fun together, a few drinks etc, being away from the kids might reignite some passion? Plus give you a chance to talk. You obviously love her, your kids & your life together so it’s definitely worth working at it.

I would say don’t use sex workers. If you got found out it would ruin you and your kids would eventually know what happened.

I've broached the sex therapist option with her - it's a resounding no. She'd be mortified to discuss this with anyone else. I think one of the underlying reasons behind her lack of interest may have something to do thie the fact that she's gained weight since the kids and doesn't like how she looks, although I tell her frequently how sexy and attractive I find her (guess that doens't count?). She's a regular gym goer, and works out hard, but does have a weakness for wine and chocolate, particularly when she has PMT. That's the only thing I can think of. She's had no past trauma, or terrible experiences.

Moffa - I recently took my partner away (just the two of us) to Edinburgh for a long weekend. We had a great time - wined and dined, went to a gig, stayed at a posh boutique hotel. I tried to initiate sex one evening after a great night out - nope, too tired. Sigh.

Have you asked her what good sex looks like to her?

Have you asked her what you can do to make her happy in an intimate way ? (Cuddles, strokes, no pressure to have sex for a while)??

Have you thought that maybe the sex you provide isn't what she wants?

Have you asked her what turns her on?

If you're so desperate to stay in the relationship and also have more sex, I'd start reading a LOT about what you can do to give her what she wants and then maybe she will reciprocate with something that YOU want

Sex is highly multi faceted and for many women it starts with their brain. Not their clitoris

What @bubbles108 says. From what you say this is really your only option.

The more I think about it, the more I'm coming to the conclusion she just doesn't fancy me any more. There's one more thing I didn't mention - before we met, she had previously had a relationship with another woman for about a year. Before that she'd only dated men. She insists she was just experimenting (althogh god knows I'm not the slightest bit bothered if she's bi-sexual - I have a very open mind to all tastes), but maybe she'd prefer to be with a woman? If that's the case, I wish she'd just say so and we could work out what to do next. There is a female friend of hers (married) who I suspect she fancies (I've teased her gently about that once or twice, and she vehemently denies it), but I don't feel threatened by that. Everyone has minor crushes occaisionally on other people without being unfaithful. Just wonder whether there may be more to it...

Please talk to her.
Tell her this is becoming a deal breaker and you need to discuss what is happening here.
Sex therapy may help.

Other than that, I would certainly mention an open relationship.
It may get her to realise this is not OK for you and you do have sexual needs.
But, for the love of god, please don't pay for it.
Grim!!!!

Bubbles 108 - yup. I have asked ALL those questions (many, many times), and am more than happy to be guided as to how to please her. I don't presume to be some kind of sex god. Maybe worth pointing out though - those questions have never been asked of me. I'm not point scoring, just saying it's rather a one way street...

Do you touch, cuddle, kiss, hold-hands, sit with each other on the couch etc?

Also, if your best friend told you this what would you advise him/her to do?

I think you already know the answer.

I feel exactly the same as Penny to be honest, I’m 56 and have felt like this since my early 40s. I started young (15) and to be honest feel ‘shagged out’. In my case I’m ok with helping H ‘sort himself out’ or blow jobs, I’m just not keen on actual intercourse much. I could blame the fact there are some resentments there but to be honest I was like this before there were. One of my friends who is getting divorced has a boyfriend she sees twice a week and she swears that domesticity is the killer of sex lives in so many cases, too
Much stuff to do and not enough ‘anticipation’ . If everything else is good, can you take the pressure off actual ‘sex’ for a while and see if anything else appeals?

I'm the wife in this situation as well. It's not how I want to be at all, I do still have sexual desires, but sex is simply too triggering, because of the childhood SA I went through. It was always triggering, but the memories had been deeply buried by the time we got together but they came flooding back once we had our DDs (adopted as I was infertile).

I had a panic attack during an attempt to start again because of a distressing flashback and since them, now 4 years ago, we haven't tried. And neither of us feels able to talk about it, though we both agree that we need to think about therapy.

We've been so knackered dealing with our DDs that we just don't find the time or energy to face it. Tbh, something I wonder if we ever will or if sex will always be tainted between us.

I have no advice, but please don't think about paying for sex. There are so many women exploited in this industry, I help with a project that supports Central Asian women who have been trafficked for this purpose.

Re: Moghub "Do you touch, cuddle, kiss, hold-hands, sit with each other on the couch etc? Also, if your best friend told you this what would you advise him/her to do?"

Sadly, no we don't cuddle, kiss, hold-hands on the couch. Hasn't been that kind of closeness for a very long time. I think now, she'd probably find it odd if I tried to do that! I guess that's very telling. She's not very tactile in that way, and nevery really was. God, that makes our relationship sound awful!