I genuinely didn't think attitudes like this still existed

[Liverpool23]

Hello everyone,
I hugely need some wise advice
My fiance and I have been together 14 months. We were friends for 5 years before then. He proposed last week which I am over the moon about
My family have met him 2 to 3 times. My family live 250/300 miles away so the only reason for them not seeing him lots is the distance.
I am the youngest of 6 children and we were all raised in a strict Christian household.
My fiance is also from a strict Christian upbringing and from a different country. He did, however have a ONS 9 1/2 years ago (ie before I knew him) and now has a 9 year old son. We see this child once a week and he pays maintenance. I.e - he made the most out of a bad situation, he stepped up and is a Dad to his son

When we announced our engagement my family completely flipped out. One of my siblings has completely been so kind - congratulations etc but it could be because she has just had triplets (so obviously focused on my amazing nephews and niece)
My family wrote my fiance a letter which was (in my eyes uncalled for)
I essence this letter says things like:

Your fiance is only after a British passport (no, he has permanent residency)
Your fiance will not be able to financially support you as a wife (he has a full time job and what is this, the 1950's? I work full time too)
He will just get you pregnant and leave (I understand why they are concerned about this but the second he knew about his son he has done the right thing by him despite the son's mum saying he is nothing but a sperm donor - but thankfully still lets them see each other)
Basically a whole lot of hurtful things. They are all coming from the right place, I know my family love me fiercely however

It makes me feel like my family think I must be stupid. My fiance talk and discuss any issues like a ''normal'' couple. He has been in this country for over 20 years. His family have welcomed me with open arms
It also makes me feel like they don't trust me to choose a good husband for myself
My fiance is beyond hurt by their remarks. He has sobbed the past 3 nights saying that he loves me and just wants to spend the rest of our joint lives together and doesn't understand this (perceived) rejection

It is not rejection from my family - they just love me a whole ton and they have gone into over protective mode
By the way I am 29, not a little kid so although I appreciate they care so much I love this man and can't wait to be his wife.

My fiance and I have also had times where there has been racial abuse thrown at us once or twice (mixed race couple) and it just makes me so sad that in 2018 these attitudes still exist. It is as if my family do not see him as a person but my fiance as a person from xyz country so he must be like this and that iswim?
I hurts me so much that my family have hurt my fiance so much. I can only think, well we will have to prove everyone wrong and just stick together and they will see given time but part of me so SO angry that they are judging him in this way.
All my friends in the city that my fiance and I live in have been nothing but supportive. Sorry for long post, I appreciate any advice. Thank you

@AndTheBandPlayedOn - All the legitimate worries you have mentioned I have discussed at length with my Fiance. I suppose I haven't felt the need to share these conversations with my parents as I believe it is to be between the couple themselves but maybe I have exacerbated their worries by not doing that

Have zero expectations from them Funnily enough this is what my fiance said to me the other day. Perhaps I do put too much expectation on them and I agree with you that I need to cut the apron strings

I think you are going to have to put big girl pants on and say ‘mind your own business’ to them

@yetmorecrap - Thank you - simple and to the point :)

I agree that in principle you shouldn’t have to explain yourself to anyone but at the same time they are your family and they are worried about you.

This looks more like something else under the guise of concern to me to be honest.

As I said before, voicing their concerns to you in private, which is what I would do if I was genuinely concerned about someone, is very different to what they actually did.

This isn't legitimate concern. This is control.

Do NOT let your father talk to your fiance on the phone. Tell your dad that if he continues to treat your fiance like this then you'll never speak to him again (and mean it). They will never see you as an adult if you don't stand up to them. Your partner will continue to get shit from them forever if you don't make a stand.

If your parents wish to talk to your fiance then they can make the effort to travel and talk to him in person. Then they can apologise for the letter infront of you both.

I know you are saying their hearts are in the right place but them mentioning he only wants you for residency is darn right rude and insulting. As you mentioned earlier your fiance has been here for 20 years and been your partner for 15 months.

It is time for them to either welcome him into the family or not. Either way congratulations on the engagement :)

My parents had mixed feelings about DH. Not that I ever realized because they were so kind and welcoming to him. They even paid for our wedding.

They had mixed feelings because he was in no position to keep me should we have DC, and because his educational background was so different from mine (and the rest of my family)

But within a year or two he'd won their hearts because he made me so happy. They knew he was a good loving man. Their good sense and good manners meant they didn't cause a rift in the family. I don't think my DH ever realized they had reservations.

Sorry, my point was that your DPs are playing this all wrong. Their explicit hostility is bound to cause long term bad feeling. They're fools if they think you'll just dump the man you have chosen wisely and with experience of him (and his family) because of their criticism.

Reminds me of a friend's tale. On her wedding morning her nightmare DM said "It's either him or me." Friend answered "It's him" and they never saw her DM again.

What tiredandabitbored said made me think they put this in a letter so that they have proof of their concerns and can say 'i told you so' - very calculated.
Agree it's an awful thing they've done.

My perspective on parental involvement in the offspring's romantic relationship is pretty simple.You choose who you marry. Not them.

They can either support you, or get the fuck out of your way.

If your husband was an abusive, controlling, alcoholic drug addict, they might have some valid points. He isn't. They don't.

Simple, easy response: "Thank you for your concern. However my affairs are my own business, not yours, and if you can't be supportive of my choices then please don't say anything at all. I don't want to hear another word about my fiance that isn't positive, and that's the last word on the matter. Respect me, respect my decisions, and trust that you brought up someone who can do what makes her own self happy. If you can't do that, then you are no longer welcome in my home or my life."

Triplets! How lovely, so often it's just twins! (wonders off point).

Thank you. Overnight I have found my anger. The thing that puzzles me is that my dads family rejected my mum for pretty much the whole of their marriage (40 plus years and counting) because they are from different backgrounds (although obviously not racially) and she knows how that feels, she has felt that pain and I am flummoxed as to why she thinks she can inflict that pain on someone else knowing how deeply it hurts

One of my siblings transferred me £100 last night and said go out and CELEBRATE this engagement. I told this to my fiance and he just hugged me and said we have nothing to celebrate at the moment :( How bloody dare they make him feel like this. They are ruining what should be a very special time for us

@Theyprobablywill Haha - no multiples in our family so they came as a (very happy, much loved) shock!

I would really struggle to forgive them for ruining such a special and once in a lifetime moment for me.

I hope you've told them how angry you are at what they've done?

They don't get automatic entitlement to be involved in their adult children's life choices simply because they are parents.

@TiredAndaBitBored - I have told them they need to make the journey to see both of us, no response yet. I honestly don't think they realise what they HAVE done. My fiance's culture is massively into respecting their elders. He said to me last night, even though your parents are wrong we have to respect them. He is such a good man. I would understand if he had ever done me wrong in anyway but they are judging him on things he cannot change

My Dh's parents were strict Roman Catholics and were horrified by our relationship, (I was divorced, and older than him)
They never came to our wedding , were still cold when DS1 was born, but over time when they saw how happy we were, and how solid our relationship was they thawed, to the extent that when my FIL was a widower he told my SIL how much he thought of me and how much he depended on my help and support.
Op try to be happy and try to ignore (as far as possible) your parents attitude and reaction, it is not worth the upset and the grief.
It is your life if you are not happy in the future that is your outlook.
What you do not need going forward is them and their attitudes affecting your future happiness.
They have their lives, their attitudes (however warped) they are not you. You have your life your hopes and dreams, do not let them stress you out at what should be a happy hopeful time for you.
Don't even discuss it with them, just tell them they have their opinions and views , which you have taken on board, but feel they are not relevent.
Ignore, get on with YOUR life and ultimately give it time.

(As an aside like a PP I don't think their attitudes are very "Christian")

My fiance's culture is massively into respecting their elders. He said to me last night, even though your parents are wrong we have to respect them.

Uh on, warning bells are ringing. If even in your fiancé’s culture it’s important to respect elders and the elders in this situation are saying don’t get married, you might find your fiancé decides he doesn’t want to marry after all as it’s not worth the hassle of dealing with awful in laws and the extra pressure it places on a marriage.

Plus him not wanting to celebrate the engagement, I think this has every chance of tanking your entire relationship. If so, please learn for the future that when your family stick their beak in inappropriately you shut that down fast and stand by your own choices instead of getting embroiled in all of this childish drama.