Upset over anniversary lunch

[User24568]

Hi I'm not sure if i am overreacting but basically my partner and I have been together for 5 years today and had made plans to go for a nice lunch together. We don't get the chance to do this often as we both have a DD from previous relationships and have a 6 week old baby together.

Last night he called me form work to say he had been asked to work today and had said yes. I am so upset about this and feel quite let down by him he is on a zero hours contract so can pretty much choose his shifts, he said he was on the spot and forgot it was our anniversary and we had plans even though we had just discussed it before he left for work.
His point of view is that this will be his last wage before Xmas while I agree extra money will help, I get almost my full wage on mat leave and he already has more than enough in his wage this month.

I feel the last 5 years have been quite hard, once we moved in together his ex stopped all contact with his DC and we spent 2 and a half years fighting through lawyers and court to get 50/50 care. During this time our lives were on hold, he was so stressed and upset about everything and we didn't want to make plans for the future without including his DD, now finally this year I felt we really had something to celebrate, things are finally reasonably settled with both our ex's and we have our baby together.

We've coped pretty well with the change of having a baby in the house our relationship has actually been better than ever these last 6 weeks and I was so looking forward to spending the day together especially as his DD is with her mum today and my DD is going to her grans after school so we would actually have all day without worrying about picking up the kids or homework and get to spend some time just us (and the baby of course) but he forgot and chose to work instead.

I don't want to let this ruin things, as I say the relationship has been better than ever since having the baby, but I just feel so unimportant, the baby was 2 weeks late so he only took 3 days off after the baby was born and then was straight onto night shifts that had been arranged in advance and has pretty much been working full time since then and I have not said a thing, just got on with it all knowing he was doing it all for us as a family but I wanted this one day to be about us spending time together and now I won't even see him today and actually don't really want to now and I know that makes me sound like a child but I don't even know what to say to him.

Sorry that was a bit longer than I planned and a bit muddled, im slightly sleep deprived and upset.

Ah this is tricky

Zero hour contracts are awful, he could be frightened to turn down work

I see why your upset but as soon as you said he was on a 0 hours contract I don’t think he’s being unreasonable. Sometimes you can’t choose and I think he chose the sensible option if not disappointing for you he’s being responsible.

Just do your anniversary lunch together on another day, don't make this into a bigger deal then it is.

A zero hours contract is a very unstable work contract - if he was offered a day's work it's no wonder he took it. He is being a responsible father and partner . Your anniversary might seem very important to you, but honestly it's just a day and you can celebrate on any day. I'd cut him some slack here - he did the right thing for his family so make a plan to have a little celebration on another day.

Sorry you are upset op but honestly, it's just a day. Your partner sounds responsible to be taking the days work, especially if he's on 0 hour contract.

Seriously? After 5 years surely you could celebrate on a different day? I got married on Valentine’s Day, we never celebrate on that day. So what? As long as you get to go out. Make it bigger and better with his extra money from this shift.

You are disappointed but don’t let it develop into a row. Tell him you are disappointed and ask him to choose another day - I don’t think it would be unreasonable to request that he sorts the childcare etc this time.

I'm a supply teacher working for an agency and I know if I turn down a day, then they are less likely to call me as it's quicker for them to call someone who does say yes than someone who might say no. So it's not just about that one day, but the ongoing 'looking like you want to work' issue.

That sucks. Try not to let it get to you. Pop out, get a fancy meal deal from M&S and lay a table with a candle for when he gets home and have a romantic dinner. All is not lost.

It's not an anniversary though is it.

Married people have anniversaries.

And I speak as an unmarried woman.

I can understand you are disappointed but as others have said it is just a day. What is important is his commitment to you and your baby and his working hard for your family. That is true love and worth celebrating on any day of the year.

Just rearrange for another day, you're being petulant. Possibly it's lack of sleep?

Just rearrange, it’s our 30th wedding anniversary next Monday, DH was scheduled to be away for work so we agreed to celebrate on the Sunday, then we decided we’d rather get involved in the Remembrance Day events so we will do something another day. It’s just a date, what’s important is your relationship. DH’s work has now changed so he is at home but I shall be working & don’t intend to take the day off, too awkward to get cover at short notice.

When I had a zero hour contract job it definitely didn’t mean I could choose shifts. It meant I got what I was given and if I turned any shift down I would have my hours docked the following week and quickly be phased out so I couldn’t afford to remain working there.

I appreciate you’re upset but he really couldn’t have risked turning this down. You should blame the fact that exploitative zero hour contracts are legal over your boyfriend. When you have no rights over when and how much you work you don’t turn down shifts. I was once given 84 hours in a week to work and I had to do it.

Working and keeping a roof over your head is more important than a romantic meal!

Taking the work is sensible. You can celebrate another time together.

It's not an anniversary though is it.

What an odd, very legalistic way of looking at the situation speakout. Couples i know who are unmarried celebrate the day they met or got together just like married couples celebrate their wedding date.

Away from MN there’s not as much of this snobbery over how a partnered couple of a decade still don’t have anniversaries. I assume when gay couples couldnt marry they didn’t celebrate or have anniversaries too.

You’ve wilfully missed the point of the OP :)

Ok, but I have a lot of people in my family who have a lot of "annniverseries " about trivial things. My SIL & BIL ( who are married ) also have a first date anniversary, a first kiss anniversary, another family member has a adoptaversary- the day she got her dog from the rescue centre.

Just all seems a bit juvenile.

Where has the OP said this is one of several silly anniversaries?

Even if it were, she’s entitled to be bothered by a cancelled plan. Whether it’s a golden wedding anniversary or the anniversary of the day they brought their hamster home is not relevant. Let people enjoy things.

**speakout

It's not an anniversary though is it.

Married people have anniversaries.**

^Unmaried can have anniversaries too you know

You're not married I don't think it's the same, sorry.

I'm not married either

Not sure how to tag or whatever it is called on here but SlipperyNettle your last comment about the hamster really made me lol so that cheered me up thanks.

Thanks for all the comments, he has worked every day this week and is working 6 days out of 7 next week so not sure how they could really hold it against him but you are all right and I take the point that he is doing the responsible thing for the family. I will get over it just a bit upset as I was so worried in the run up to the birth that having a new baby was going to make our relationship harder than ever but actually it has made us stronger and I feel we are back to how we were at the start before all the hassle with the ex's and really wanted to celebrate the fact that we seem to have made it through all the stress. I suppose that's all the more reason to not let this turn into a big thing and just celebrate some other time when we manage to arrange childcare again. Thanks everyone.

How were you realistically going to celebrate your anniversary with a newborn baby?

If they regard it as their anniversary, then it’s binned bob to tell them it isn’t!

OP, as others have said, it’s natural you’re disappointed, but don’t make it into an argument. Speak to him and tell him you were really disappointed and want to celebrate another day.

Sorry I don’t know what “binned Bob” refers to! 😂