Upset over anniversary lunch

[User24568]

Hi I'm not sure if i am overreacting but basically my partner and I have been together for 5 years today and had made plans to go for a nice lunch together. We don't get the chance to do this often as we both have a DD from previous relationships and have a 6 week old baby together.

Last night he called me form work to say he had been asked to work today and had said yes. I am so upset about this and feel quite let down by him he is on a zero hours contract so can pretty much choose his shifts, he said he was on the spot and forgot it was our anniversary and we had plans even though we had just discussed it before he left for work.
His point of view is that this will be his last wage before Xmas while I agree extra money will help, I get almost my full wage on mat leave and he already has more than enough in his wage this month.

I feel the last 5 years have been quite hard, once we moved in together his ex stopped all contact with his DC and we spent 2 and a half years fighting through lawyers and court to get 50/50 care. During this time our lives were on hold, he was so stressed and upset about everything and we didn't want to make plans for the future without including his DD, now finally this year I felt we really had something to celebrate, things are finally reasonably settled with both our ex's and we have our baby together.

We've coped pretty well with the change of having a baby in the house our relationship has actually been better than ever these last 6 weeks and I was so looking forward to spending the day together especially as his DD is with her mum today and my DD is going to her grans after school so we would actually have all day without worrying about picking up the kids or homework and get to spend some time just us (and the baby of course) but he forgot and chose to work instead.

I don't want to let this ruin things, as I say the relationship has been better than ever since having the baby, but I just feel so unimportant, the baby was 2 weeks late so he only took 3 days off after the baby was born and then was straight onto night shifts that had been arranged in advance and has pretty much been working full time since then and I have not said a thing, just got on with it all knowing he was doing it all for us as a family but I wanted this one day to be about us spending time together and now I won't even see him today and actually don't really want to now and I know that makes me sound like a child but I don't even know what to say to him.

I can completely understand where the OP is coming from.

She's recently had a baby and it appears as though her partner has had to work a lot. That must be stressful for any new parent. I'd feel crappy if my DP had to work 6/7 days a week too when I had a 6 week old baby.

She then was excited to actually spend some alone time with him and (through no fault of her DP) she's been let down and is understandably disappointed. I can appreciate the feeling of wanting to return to some kind of normality after being pregnant and giving birth. I've been there.

As PPs have said, you'll just have to rearrange. That's life, unfortunately.

Congrats on the new baby.

PS, I bloody despise zero hour contracts.

Well when he finally got up, cause I woke him at 10.30 to get ready for work, which is a recurring thing or if he's off he sleeps till he wakes himself, he went out and got me flowers from the shop came back gave me them said "sorry for being a d*, are you still going to be angry with me" which is his go to on the odd occasion we argue and usually it has been something daft and this brings me round from being angry.

So I thanked him for the flowers but explained I wasn't angry I was upset that he had forgot we had plans and forgot we had an appointment (again, another recurring thing) that although its nothing serious will hold some things up a bit and that I was hurt he couldn't take 2 seconds to think about me before saying yes. I also told him I realise its irrational and probably a mixture of still being a bit hormonal and slightly sleep deprived but that's how I feel and a bunch of flowers, although a nice gesture, wont magically make me feel better in minutes. All said calmly and nicely.

His response to that was that he supposes I have a right to feel how I feel but he feels all I do is nag and he can't do anything right so doesn't know what to do as he can't live like that.

This has came totally out of the blue for me, I don't ask him to do any housework, night feeds or early mornings despite this meaning i have to get the baby ready, fed and out the door for 8am to do the school run for my older dd and on top of that I keep track of all the appointments, fill out his availability sheet for work while keeping track of the days we have his dd and making sure he isn't working any of those days as these can change from week to week depending on ex's shifts. He has a bath or a shower every day before work im lucky if I get two 5 minute showers a week but despite all this, I haven't said a word about any of this i just get on with it and do it because I realise he is working to provide for us and now he tells me this??!

I must be living in a different house because until this happened i honestly thought we were better than we have been in a long time, we've hardly kept our hands of each other, always cuddling when he's home, and despite being tired I was so happy we managed to make the effort to be close to each other but apparently that's not how he feels.
No idea where to go from here he wont be home until after 11 tonight then we have his dd from tomorrow till Monday then he is working Monday and Tuesday so don't even know when we will get to discuss this properly.

Aww OP I’m so sorry :( that must be a huge shock to find out he hasn’t been happy like you have. I can imagine the horrible sick feeling, when someone drops something serious on you like that.

I think you need to make time to discuss this instead of letting it fester for days, he’s back after eleven tonight right? Sit down and talk then. Get in bed together and talk. Ask him if he’s happy with you, share how well you thought things had been going, tell him what you’ve said here. Let us know how it goes?

Oh Op, that's awful.

You know, if he could be bothered to remember stuff, you wouldn't have to remond him ("nag")!

Why can't you manage to shower everyday?

Ah, so actually he's a bit of a dick then?

You (and family life are) pretty far down his list of priorities then. Remember that. It'll help you see clearly one day.

Your his PA babe not his partner he’s a dick stop doing it all fir him

He's a dick and now you're stuck with a kid by him.

So he didn’t forget then.

I’m not surprised, you were upset and you’ve been feeling in need of time without kids together and life has got in the way, it’s hardly surprising he has too.

This is so common in couples who’ve just had a baby, and that’s without all the additional shit you’ve been through.

Unfortunately it’s also fairly common for one person in a relationship to not be open and fear problems as being a possible end, rather than normal and something to work through.

I’ve been with my DH for many years now, it’s not always been easy as my DH is quite a closed book and I’ve got to ask the right questions. It’s bloody tiring and I get resentful sometimes.

I think that if you can both acknowledge things have been challenging but try to think practically about what little changes can be made so that things are easier day to day and that you both feel valued by the other. It’s difficult with a new baby and the danger is that you both get into a pissing competition as to who has it worst as that will increase resentment and make it harder to sort through. People upthread have said he’s doing what he needs to in order to support your family with an unstable job. You didn’t value this, he’s not valued you. There’s issues on both sides.

Oh and as far as sex goes, I’ve posted before about how my DH and I both view sex differently. For me it is what happens to express love when all is well, for him it’s what he needs to make the connection and make all well. 2 different attitudes again. We try our best to see difficulties in communication as just that, not because the other is deliberately being an arsehole on purpose. They may have a point or just see things differently.

I hope you find a way forwards.

He is playing the martyr OP, how very dare you claim that he has made you sad, because you should know, HE is unhappy, you are mean to him! What a knob.

How would he like to live then? On his own with no DC and no responsibilities presumably.

He did let you down, it doesn't matter what the occasion was, he didn't have enough respect for you to remember something that you were doing together.

Don't let him turn this back on you, don't try and become Stepford Wife. You do need an honest discussion with him though, so you are going to have to find the time for that somehow. that's assuming he remembers and turns up

I don't understand why you can't have a shower every day though. You put the baby in the cot or Moses basket and have a quick shower. The baby will be ok for a few minutes.

You're on mat leave, he's on a zero hours contract and its nearly Christmas. He did the right thing accepting the work.

It’s one day, just one day out of your whole relationship. Do you really need that one day to celebrate your relationship?? Everyday should be a celebration of your relationship.

I wish people would at least read the OPs comments. I presume the last two posters haven’t.

I will try and talk to him when he gets home but iv been awake since 4am so not sure it will be a very productive conversation at that time of night.
Joysmum your comment about sex actually makes a lot of sense as that's what really through me about his comment today I couldn't work out how he could be feeling that way when he is all over me like it was at the beggining.
skyesayshi you stepford wife comment has actually made me realise that that's exactly what I feel like I'm turning into and I was never that type of person before, iv always been independent, moved out at 16 always worked full time and was a single parent for 4 years before I met my partner and always thought both partners should be equal but now all of a sudden im trying to be this perfect little housewife making his dinners and ironing his shirts while doing all the housework and 90% of the childcare while he lies in his bed till its time to go to work and can't say anything about it or his response to that is I nag him cause im upset about something. I was working full time until my mat leave but still done my share in the house.
I know I can leave her to cry and I do on occasion to get stuff done or jump in for a quick wash but I mean a proper shower where I can wash and dry my hair properly, Iv got quite long thick hair that just turns into a frizzy uncontrollable mess if I don't dry it straight away so this take longer than the 5 mins im comfortable leaving the baby to cry so can only do this when he is watching her as she only really naps for 10 mins at a time through the day, though is pretty good overnight so I can't complain to much about her lol.
Thank you for all the comments definitely got a lot to think about and talk to him about.

Oh and btw there is nothing wrong with doing all the housework or making his dinners and ironing his clothes part of me enjoys it but not when I realise im actually not getting a lot back in return it doesn't feel equal to me i suddenly feel like I have lost part of myself and have ended up just being there to take care of his every need while he does what he wants when he wants.

I always worked on the basis of having equal downtime.

I was very lucky I know as I didn’t have a good birth ending in an emergency C section and complications kept me in for a bit. So DH took 2 weeks ‘working from home’ where tried to do everything and just handed DD back for feeds or if I wanted time with her. It made him appreciate how much effort physically and mentally it was even without recovery and hormones to factor in.

I’ve always felt he’s wanted to give me the benefit of the doubt and I’ve done the same for him.

As I said, it’s hard to get it right and we lose our way sometimes because we see things do differently. What gets us through is that we respect each other and give the benefit of the doubt and assume we don’t understand something if we think the other is being a dick!

I hope you both can get to that stage too

Oh, the old 'nag' comment. Only utter pricks use that word when they think they're entitled to check out of life and be enabled by others. FUCK THAT! He's going to need to step up. Seriously, I wouldn't bother waking him up. Who does that? I don't even do that to my teens. No more ironing or cooking his fucking meals. Don't turn mat leave into Service A Man Leave. Fuck leaving a baby to cry to enable him. And whatever you do, you need to go back to work because he doesn't sound like a good catch long-term and you need to maintain your financial/earning ability no matter what.

Hey im a mum of 5 and what i used to do was put the baby in the moses basket or whatever open the bathroom door and have the baby there when i was in the bath and did my hair and make up ,just take the baby where ever u go so u can do things. Just a tip ,dont want to comment on your post x

when you do talk, you have to tell him what you’ve said here.

You do so much and allow him to basically go to work and do nothing else! And he has the gall to call you a nag?!

You sound a strong person, don’t put up with this crap. He either steps up and engaged with you and his child, or he can move out and go and look after himself.

OP that was a nasty dig he made about you nagging him-he’s gaslighting you about your own relationship! As for FormerBabe sometimes money isn’t everything especially when anniversary plans were made then carelessly broken and then he buys a cheap bouquet of flowers to make up for his selfishness and then gaslights his partner!

""sorry for being a d*, are you still going to be angry with me" which is his go to on the odd occasion we argue and usually it has been something daft and this brings me round from being angry."

So whats happened is he knows he doesn't really have to bother, and when you do call him on it, this will bring you back into line.
When his get out of jail free tactic #1, the "automatic insincere apology" hasn't worked, hes moved on to #2, the "well its actually all your fault because you nag me" attack.

If you don't let this one work either, expect him to move onto #3, the "sulking silence and grouchy arseyness" punishment.