Upset over anniversary lunch

[User24568]

Hi I'm not sure if i am overreacting but basically my partner and I have been together for 5 years today and had made plans to go for a nice lunch together. We don't get the chance to do this often as we both have a DD from previous relationships and have a 6 week old baby together.

Last night he called me form work to say he had been asked to work today and had said yes. I am so upset about this and feel quite let down by him he is on a zero hours contract so can pretty much choose his shifts, he said he was on the spot and forgot it was our anniversary and we had plans even though we had just discussed it before he left for work.
His point of view is that this will be his last wage before Xmas while I agree extra money will help, I get almost my full wage on mat leave and he already has more than enough in his wage this month.

I feel the last 5 years have been quite hard, once we moved in together his ex stopped all contact with his DC and we spent 2 and a half years fighting through lawyers and court to get 50/50 care. During this time our lives were on hold, he was so stressed and upset about everything and we didn't want to make plans for the future without including his DD, now finally this year I felt we really had something to celebrate, things are finally reasonably settled with both our ex's and we have our baby together.

We've coped pretty well with the change of having a baby in the house our relationship has actually been better than ever these last 6 weeks and I was so looking forward to spending the day together especially as his DD is with her mum today and my DD is going to her grans after school so we would actually have all day without worrying about picking up the kids or homework and get to spend some time just us (and the baby of course) but he forgot and chose to work instead.

I don't want to let this ruin things, as I say the relationship has been better than ever since having the baby, but I just feel so unimportant, the baby was 2 weeks late so he only took 3 days off after the baby was born and then was straight onto night shifts that had been arranged in advance and has pretty much been working full time since then and I have not said a thing, just got on with it all knowing he was doing it all for us as a family but I wanted this one day to be about us spending time together and now I won't even see him today and actually don't really want to now and I know that makes me sound like a child but I don't even know what to say to him.

I am curious to know what the anniversary of unmarried couples is.

Is it the first time you spoke? Dated? Shagged? Met eyes across the office floor? Decided to "go steady".

Can someone explain?

Speakout

I don't really know and have wondered the same.

Probably why we've never had one.

@speakout @MarthasGinYard we are not married I met partner in September and was dating and in November he just confirmed we were actually together just by asking if I was his girlfriend. We celebrate that day as an anniversary :)

by asking if I was his girlfriend

Sweet.

So you have an anniversary of becoming boyfriend and girlfriend.

If you marry will you then have two anniversaries?

Speakout im not really sure what your issue is with this, but ok take out the anniversary part, we had arranged to go for lunch to celebrate getting through a hard few years and having our baby and he agreed to work without thinking about the fact I was looking forward to actually getting out the house and spending some time with just him and our new baby without worrying about either of the older kids, that's the issue here not the fact that its an anniversary. We decided to do make a point of doing it today as its 5 years since our first date.
To the person that asked how we were realistically going to celebrate with a newborn baby, its quite easy at this stage the baby always sleeps well in the pram when we are out, and if by chance she didnt it was simply just lunch and a coffee at a place near our home so we could get home quick if needed.
Like I say im happy to move on and just do something another day, just needed to rant a bit and be told im being daft. Thanks for all the helpful comments.

@speakout
It's not an anniversary though is it. Married people have anniversaries

What a horrible, rude comment.
Who are you to decide what is/isn’t an anniversary? When it’s been a year since someone’s died and their partner says “it’s the anniversary of their death” is that also not allowed in your books either?

Marriage or not marriage, I recognise them as anniversary’s. It’s 2018, perhaps you could lighten up a bit?

“I am curious to know what the anniversary of unmarried couples is.”

Well, in our case it’s the ammiversary of the day we decided we were a couple. We sometimes remember it and sometimes don’t. But it is an anniversary. And nearly 40 years ago. Which is longer than most marriages. But everyone knows that nor being married means no commitment. Or something like that!

OP- I’d be sad too. But unless he is an arse in other ways, i’d let it go. But do tell him you were sad- he may genuinely not have realized it was so important to me. Expecting telepathy is very damaging to relationships.

@speakout

Anniversary
noun. The date on which an event took place or an institution was founded in a previous year.

HTH

So he wasn't expecting to work & now has work, or had booked time off & has decided to work instead?

If the first I think then that's more acceptable that the second.

Still disappointing of course, but a lot of people who work can't do lunch in the week.

Happy anniversary, OP

We still celebrate the day we met as an anniversary as well as our wedding anniversary. Doesn't seem strange to me at all!

Sorry you have missed out on your lovely lunch OP, and I hope that you get a chance to do it another day even if it's in a few weeks. Is he home for tea tonight, could you get a takeaway or cook something (baby permitting!).

Are you someone who likes to plan everything out in advance, OP? Or perhaps your DH is - tricky with his contract I know, but I am wondering because of the shifts that were booked in advance of baby's arrival (or perhaps your other children both arrived bang on time!)

No Speakout we won't have 2 anniversaries, we have already agreed that we will get married on this date, just need to pick a year that we don't have lots of other expenses.

I've been married for donkey's years, I don't worry about celebrating anything much these days, but I always quietly acknowledge the anniversary of the day we met. That's the important one to me, the day that changed everything.

What a lovely idea OP.

diddl he had put not available on his availability sheet then agreed to work it anyway.
SassitudeandSparkle yes I like to plan in advance but my last baby was 6 weeks early so I was high risk of another early baby but this one had other ideas and was induced at 2 weeks over lol. He had given limited availability and not available for any night shifts in the 4 weeks leading to due date and 2 weeks after but as she was late aand he was on the rota for nights 3 days after the birth he couldn't change this as there is only 1 member of staff on each night.

"diddl he had put not available on his availability sheet then agreed to work it anyway."

Perhaps he couldn't say no when put on the spot & asked?

Don't forget Op, even if you marry on the same day, your wedding anniversary won't be the same number of years as your anniversary

My eldest son is on a zero hours contract and it's a very insecure position to be in. He works every hour he is offered to show willing but also to make sure he has enough money to get through any lean times to come. And yes, in theory you have flexibility but if you make use of it too much, they'll stop offering you work.

Ignore speakout, she’s trying to stir shit for the sake of it and clueless. In the real world everyone knows that people celebrate anniversaries that are important to them and thankfully nobody has to get the speakout seal of approval before being allowed to consider it an anniversary.

Don’t feed it.

I used to feel the same as you about significant dates User but I know for you this isn’t just about being implacable on a date.

As time has gone on I know that logically they are only dates and can be marked on any day, but also why I was so entrenched in why things had to be on those dates. It’s easy for people who feel secure and happy to be flexible on dates.

I used to feel I wasn’t heard, important or valued by some people. Having a particular date was my line in the sand to make a judgement on whether others cared enough. Because the date was incredibly important to me then by extension if the date wasn’t being marked by others they didn’t respect or care about me enough and it reinforced in my mind that I wasn’t heard, important or valued by people.

So yes, whilst I agree with previous posters who would have done the same in your partners shoes, he still forgot something that was very important to you and you are understandably hurt by that.

I’m also not convinced that he fully realises why it was important to you. You’ve been very honest and candid in your opening post, yet despite doing this people are responding without any recognition, acknowledgement and empathy as to why you are feeling so fragile.

So my advice is to hug your partner and tell him how much you love him and that you understand why he made the decision to work. However you would like to plan a day where you both are able to connect as partners as you feel you both would benefit from that. Try to get him to see the points you’ve raised in your opening post but in a way that doesn’t blame him or put him on the defensive. Hopefully he’ll be receptive and empathetic towards you and you’ll be able to get him to understand. He probably feels the same as you go an extent. If all goes well then you can both think of ways to proceed in future so you feel happy, secure and always connected as a couple and significant dates won’t hold the same level of importance to you as they have

I think you have got a lovely, responsible kind partner there. He agreed to work to provide extra security, and he did also phone to explain. A zero hours contract is precarious, and he made the right decision in the circumstances.

It does sound like you’ve had a hard time the last while, and I think your feelings about that are influencing how you feel about this a little. Which is totally human and understandable. It is perfectly reasonable you are disappointed by this- but that isn’t the same as being disappointed by him or in him.

You sound like two people really trying to do your best for one another and your DC. Whoever’s fault this situation is, it really isn’t either of yours. I really think zero hour contracts should only be used in certain circumstances (e.g. consultants on retainers).

But you are two people doing their best and loving one another in tricky circumstances. So celebrate that and keep the relationship between you unshaken.

speakout What an unkind and rude post! OP I would be upset as well if my partner said he had “forgotten” your anniversary-all I know if my DH did that he better be making up for it with lunch out and a gift. Last year was my silver anniversary but I was undergoing cancer treatment and it was all cancelled and was very hurt when DH didn’t bother with a gift just a lunch out and scowled all the way through it which he denied but I noticed,sigh.

Poor speakout .It’s such a complicated concept. Where in the dictionary is an anniversary only about marriage? Try explaining loudly at the pub on Sunday that armistice day isn’t an anniversary date because it’s not about a wedding... Just like all the other normal people who do choose to celebrate anniversaries (as opposed to the many also normal people who don’t) we called our first date our anniversary date, until we got married and that became our anniversary.

OP I’d ask him to reschedule. Don’t blame him for taking the contract but he forgot and it’s his job now to find you some time together.

@speakout yes it was very sweet. We were 18 at the time he'd never had a girlfriend before or even been out on a date so it was really special for him. We're 24 now, own our home which we have renovated from top to bottom and we like to celebrate the date as it gives us a chance to reflect on how far we've come together as a couple each year.

@User24568 I would be hurt too and feel a bit annoyed but the date hasn't NOT happened yet if that makes sense? I know it would be extra special to be on the exact date but if you get a chance to celebrate a few days earlier/later at least you still get to mark the occasion. I hope you have a lovely time together with your new baby by your side whenever you get round to doing something x

I get that you’re upset but try and keep it in perspective. Most people only celebrate a proper wedding anniversary date. This is a sort of non anniversary really. Sorry. It’s like you’re trying to make up things to celebrate? If things are good then you’re making a mountain from a molehill and really need to go have a nap and a long hot bath then go get your hair cut or another nice treat, childfree coffee and drop it.

I can see why you're upset but I see his side too. It's not the end of the world OP