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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex demanding to see DD at Xmas

68 replies

NeedHelpwithEX · 07/11/2018 19:40

EXH and I had two DCs together.
Nearly years ago while I was still married to EX I was in a car accident with our DCs in the car. Sadly our DS passed away from his injuries. It was a horrific time for all of us. EXH and I did't have the best relationship anyway but our grief made it a thousand times worse. EXH was nice to me whenever someone else was in the room but when we were alone he would scream and insult me and made it clear that he blamed me for the accident and he hated me.

Then I woke up one morning and he had left me and DD without any real discussion. He replied to one message saying that he couldn't cope with DD and I anymore and that was it for 6 months.
Once he left I managed to carry on and gradually realised that I liked being apart from him. I moved out with DD and started to try and rebuild my life.

After 6 months EX contacted saying that he wanted a divorce. I agreed to that but he also refused to see DD as he said it reminded him too much of the child we had lost. At first I tried to give him space but as time went on and DD grew older I tried to push him to see her more. We would agree to contact and he would show up a couple of times and then he would stop coming and we would have to go through it all again.

In this time I remarried and had a DS with my new DH. EXH was vile especially after I had DS2 saying that I was trying to replace our son and that I hated our son and had deliberately caused the accident and that he hated me. He visited DD on her 7th birthday (after I pushed him to come) and he kicked off in the middle of her party after seeing me holding DS2 saying that I would get that I was replacing our son. In the end DH and a couple of friends had to chuck him out of the party.

Since then I haven't tried to get EXH to see DD. So he hasn't bothered getting in touch at all. DD is now 8 and she is doing really well sometimes she asks about EX and we try to answer as honestly as we can but she has never asked to see him.

About a month ago I got an email EX saying that he had gotten remarried during the summer and so this year he would like DD to have Christmas with him so she can meet his new wife and her family.
I replied saying that as he hadn't seen DD in so long he needed to build up contact with her slowly first. That I didn't think she would be comfortable going to Christmas with a load of strangers when she hadn't even seen him for nearly 3 years and he needed to make more of an effort to get to know her first. He didn't reply to this and I assumed that he had gone off the idea. I didn't mention it to DD as he didn't reply back saying that he wanted to see her.

Today I arrived home from work to a letter EX saying that he wants contact with DD starting from Christmas, that it wasn't fair that I was keeping DD from him and that he is going to take me to court. He said that he already has a solicitor and they think that he has a good case as I have had DD here for Christmas for years so it is obviously time that he had a turn with her. He also said that I should expect a letter from his solicitor in the next couple of days outlining what he has said and starting court proceedings.

I have no idea what to do now. DD won't want to go to him after all this time and I'm not comfortable letting her but I know what he is like and he will twist things and use them against me and make it seem like I am the bad guy and he is the poor grieving father who wants a second chance. I don't even know if we can afford a solicitor. I haven't told DH yet because I know he will be upset and I have no idea what to say to DD if he does push ahead with court.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 07/11/2018 19:43

I would ignore the selfish bastard completely as he's incapable of being anything other than abusive. Let him get a court order. He has no chance for Christmas. None. You are amazing for your strength and resilience.

Gemini69 · 07/11/2018 19:45

let him take it to Court.. he'll have to explain where he has been all this time... Flowers

Chocolala · 07/11/2018 19:47

Wait to see if he does anything.

No court is going to order an 8 year old to spend christmtwith a man she’s not seen/spent time alone with for almost half her life.

If he wants contact (which you should never indicate you oppose unless he’s violent) he has to start with contact centre visits and build it up. He’s highly unlikely to actually do it.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 07/11/2018 19:47

What bastard said.

He won't be having DD THIS Christmas. I can guarantee that.

He probably won't even bother "fighting" for her for very long either.

What a cunt.

Eve · 07/11/2018 19:48

What about maintenance all this time?

Pissedoffdotcom · 07/11/2018 19:50

What a prick. I'm so sorry for your loss & having his shit.
He won't get what he wants. No court in the land is going to make your DD spend xmas with him after a 3 year gap. Ex has tried this one a few times but when i eventually got myself a solicitor to suss it out she laughed. He would be offered contact - probably supervised to begin with due to the length of absence.

Brakebackcyclebot · 07/11/2018 19:51

Hi OP, go & seek legal advice of your own so that you are very clear exactly what the likelihood of such a claim would be. If you have clarity on that you will be able to rebuff.

What a shitty thing to do. Good luck.

LemonSqueezy0 · 07/11/2018 19:54

He won't get Christmas this year, not a chance tbh but over the next year, if he does what he says he is going to do, a court would order access. I'd be inclined to let him do it so you know he's serious and to avoid a power play where he think he can pick and choose when to have her.

He's probably told his new wife a pack of lies to cover for the fact he's not bothered for years.

Once you get the letter, take a view at that point when to talk to DD and what to say.

itsbritneybiatches · 07/11/2018 19:55

Op I hope you ok.

He should build up contact he can't just reappear as if nothing has happened.

Let him take you to court. He won't win. Any court in the land will say to build up contact.

He won't take you to court. His own solicitor must surely have told him this. I guarantee it will all be hot air trying to get his own way.

What complete cunt.

IceRebel · 07/11/2018 19:56

He got remarried without telling his daughter Shock

Am I the only thinking this request for Christmas has come because he's trying to impress his new wife and make out it has been you keeping his daughter from him all these years, as apposed to him not being interested.

littlemisscomper · 07/11/2018 19:57

I'm really sorry about your little boy OP. How dreadfully sad.

I don't know much about the system I confess but I highly, highly doubt he'd get custody of her this coming Christmas. Do you still have proof one the times you'd encouraged him to be a part of her life - messages to him etc that he's not replied to? I would ignore him for now in case he pulls away again, but if he continues to pursue contact I would try and be as neutral/positive about it as you can for your daughter's sake. Grief does really strange things to people, so maybe he has finally reached a point where he can become a decent father again? Wishing you the best of luck with it.

Starlight345 · 07/11/2018 19:57

I would not even bother to reply . Wait and see if you do hear anything from solicitor before doing anything.

He won’t get Christmas contact . Not the day anyway .

Do tell dh, he will be upset you are not telling him , don’t let him interfere in that relationship

Missingstreetlife · 07/11/2018 19:59

All about him isn't it, and his poor misguided new wife probably thinks she's encouraging him to do the right thing.
He wont get what he wants but you might keep offering limited or supervised contact with a view to more if it works out. Also ask for financial contribution
You need to protect your daughter from expectations raised and dashed. If he can come up with the goods may be positive but history doesn't bode well

Workreturner · 07/11/2018 20:02

Why OP? Why the heck were you ever keen and pushing for a relationship between him and your dd? I don’t get it

Original poster
NeedHelpwithEX · 07/11/2018 20:05

Exh hasn't paid any maintenance towards DD ever. I have never pursued it because we are ok financially and I knew that asking for money would just cause more trouble than its worth.

OP posts:
Ss770640 · 07/11/2018 20:08

This reply has been deleted

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Santaispolishinghissleigh · 07/11/2018 20:09

Ignore op, I bet his dw has been told a rewritten version of events.
Sorry for your loss and your ex is a complete tosser.

Enjoy your Christmas with dd and give him no mind.

Pissedoffdotcom · 07/11/2018 20:10

OP isn't responsible for the feelings of her ex. And he has no right to lash out because he hasn't dealt with things.

W0rriedMum · 07/11/2018 20:11

@Ss770640 I am disgusted by your post. Yes her Ex may be hurting, but enough to abuse her, abandon their DD and not pay any money ever?

OP - tell him you will see him in court and you can all discuss financial arrangements while you are there. That might make him reconsider..

PrincessWire · 07/11/2018 20:12

So it's only fair he has DD this year because you've had her the other years? Ffs she's a person, not a Christmas decoration.

Original poster
NeedHelpwithEX · 07/11/2018 20:12

I pushed for a relationship because he is still her dad and I suppose I felt guilty because he had made it clear that he couldn't stand to be around us because he feels that I am to blame for DSs death. Plus we were both grieving and I have also struggled sometimes watching DD grow up passing all the milestones her brother never got to see. So I know what that is like but i thought the more time he spent with DD the more he would get used to it and he could have built a relationship with her.

DH will be home from his hobby soon so I will tell him then what is going on and see what he says.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/11/2018 20:14

Your DD must barely remember him Confused you are completely correct that he needs to build contact up again slowly.

Write back again offering him a schedule of how to build contact up appropriately and if he isn't happy with that then he needs to take you to court. They'll offer him the same thing anyway!

Thanks
bastardkitty · 07/11/2018 20:14

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SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 07/11/2018 20:16

Hold your head high, OP - you're doing the right thing. You are absolutely right in saying that he needs to build up contact. Keep on doing what you're doing - putting your daughter's interests first, in encouraging a relationship, but recognising that trust needs to be rebuilt gradually.

As others have said, no court will grant him what he is asking for. Put together a specific counter-offer setting out a gradually increasing level of contact, so that the court can see you're encouraging the relationship, but in the right way.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your son - that must have been (and continue to be) horrific for you. It sounds as though the experience has deeply damaged your ex as well, and I have compassion for him even if I can't understand his decision to withdraw from his daughter. I know he is being a dick with his demands, but try to meet him with compassion and perhaps things can get to a better place for your daughter. And kudos to you for being the mum your daughter needed throughout the whole thing.

thefourgp · 07/11/2018 20:18

Don’t spend any money on a solicitor unless you actually receive a letter from a solicitor. My ex has repeatedly threatened to take legal action against me but never has done because he won’t spend any money on a solicitor. X

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