Ex demanding to see DD at Xmas

[NeedHelpwithEX]

EXH and I had two DCs together.
Nearly years ago while I was still married to EX I was in a car accident with our DCs in the car. Sadly our DS passed away from his injuries. It was a horrific time for all of us. EXH and I did't have the best relationship anyway but our grief made it a thousand times worse. EXH was nice to me whenever someone else was in the room but when we were alone he would scream and insult me and made it clear that he blamed me for the accident and he hated me.

Then I woke up one morning and he had left me and DD without any real discussion. He replied to one message saying that he couldn't cope with DD and I anymore and that was it for 6 months.
Once he left I managed to carry on and gradually realised that I liked being apart from him. I moved out with DD and started to try and rebuild my life.

After 6 months EX contacted saying that he wanted a divorce. I agreed to that but he also refused to see DD as he said it reminded him too much of the child we had lost. At first I tried to give him space but as time went on and DD grew older I tried to push him to see her more. We would agree to contact and he would show up a couple of times and then he would stop coming and we would have to go through it all again.

In this time I remarried and had a DS with my new DH. EXH was vile especially after I had DS2 saying that I was trying to replace our son and that I hated our son and had deliberately caused the accident and that he hated me. He visited DD on her 7th birthday (after I pushed him to come) and he kicked off in the middle of her party after seeing me holding DS2 saying that I would get that I was replacing our son. In the end DH and a couple of friends had to chuck him out of the party.

Since then I haven't tried to get EXH to see DD. So he hasn't bothered getting in touch at all. DD is now 8 and she is doing really well sometimes she asks about EX and we try to answer as honestly as we can but she has never asked to see him.

About a month ago I got an email EX saying that he had gotten remarried during the summer and so this year he would like DD to have Christmas with him so she can meet his new wife and her family.
I replied saying that as he hadn't seen DD in so long he needed to build up contact with her slowly first. That I didn't think she would be comfortable going to Christmas with a load of strangers when she hadn't even seen him for nearly 3 years and he needed to make more of an effort to get to know her first. He didn't reply to this and I assumed that he had gone off the idea. I didn't mention it to DD as he didn't reply back saying that he wanted to see her.

Today I arrived home from work to a letter EX saying that he wants contact with DD starting from Christmas, that it wasn't fair that I was keeping DD from him and that he is going to take me to court. He said that he already has a solicitor and they think that he has a good case as I have had DD here for Christmas for years so it is obviously time that he had a turn with her. He also said that I should expect a letter from his solicitor in the next couple of days outlining what he has said and starting court proceedings.

I have no idea what to do now. DD won't want to go to him after all this time and I'm not comfortable letting her but I know what he is like and he will twist things and use them against me and make it seem like I am the bad guy and he is the poor grieving father who wants a second chance. I don't even know if we can afford a solicitor. I haven't told DH yet because I know he will be upset and I have no idea what to say to DD if he does push ahead with court.

The other cars driver who crashed into us was at fault for the accident. However I kind of understand why he blames me. I was driving the car and had I been going slower or faster, had I gone a different route or been quicker getting ready that morning we wouldn't have crashed and DS would still be alive and in secondary school and probably glued to a games console or begging for a new phone for Christmas or wanting to stay out with his friends passed his curfew.

To be honest I blamed myself for years and its only with help from DH and counselling that I finally realised that it wasn't my fault.

I have no idea if EX has ever had counselling or not.

He's deluded if he has had no contact for three years and thinks a court will just automatically hand him whatever he likes.

Write a letter stating that you want them to have a relationship but before any longer stays can be considered he needs to build the relationship in 3-4 hour visits, neutral venue that dd is comfortable with eg favourite park and a meal. Rather than saying no to Christmas, day once she is comfortable an overnight stay can be tried but it is up to dd to set the pace.
This won't happen by Christmas realistically but it's less confrontational. You may also want to include a note about maintenance, quite frankly if he is talking court, he should realise he is the one not doing the right thing. No need for a solicitor yet at least, it will only escalate things. Best wishes.

Stick to your guns op and let him take you to court. I bet this talk of solicitors is all BS!
for the loss of ds x

I don't condone his actions but I do think there is another side to this.

It sounds very much like your ex had a breakdown after the death of your son and focused the anger side of his grief on you, especially as from his perspective

1. you survived where your son didnt
2. you moved on
3. had a "replacement" child (I know that's not what you did BTW)
4. you were able to cope with your grief and being with your surviving daughter

As I say I don't condone his behaviour but I do feel that it is understandable.

I doubt any solicitor would have told him he would get Christmas this year. However, if he has recovered, moved on and shows willing then it would be very likely that next year he would be granted it.

I think you have done the right thing. You haven't said never, you have advised him he needs to rebuild contact slowly and prove himself. Ultimately he is a stranger to his daughter.

I think you reaffirm that to him. You tell him it is something you are prepared to consider for Christmas 2019 IF he agrees to build contact slowly, re-establish contact and maintain a steady schedule to give her routine and stability.

Your daughter has a right to get to know her dad. He may have been a prize dick but I can only begin to imagine how I would feel after losing my child. I think it is important to try and hold it in your hearts that he went through something awful and clearly struggled hugely to deal with it. I know that so did you, but for whatever reason you handled it a whole lot better and have been able to grieve on a productive way. Hopefully his new marriage and sudden desire to reconnect means he has finally learnt how to deal with his grief.

Given the awful circumstances I would give him a chance.

Do NOT blame yourself and it is irresponsible of other posters to ask. It's irrelevant. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Get a solicitor ASAP - use the owed maintenance to pay for the solicitor.

So sorry for your loss. That truly is the stuff of nightmares

Wheresthel1ght
I agree with you to a large extent, but the failure to provide maintainance for OP's DD is immoral.

I can assure you that no court in the land is going to force your daughter to spend Christmas with a new family just to please your ex. Dd feelings and well being will be of paramount importance. To visit for the 1st time in 3 years at Christmas with people she’s never met? What is he on???

The focus should be on ex building relationship again with dd. Of course you’ll stop her from going because you have a sense of responsibility and compassion for your daughter. I would ignore solicitors letters and just email ex saying he is welcome to apply for contact order. Basically it’s half a day in court building not room. CAFCASS hold a mediation meeting to discuss contact best for child primarily but consider parents too. Then judge rules it. Ex will be required to stick to it otherwise he’s not got a leg to syand on in the future. If dd doesn’t want to see dad at mo, that will definately be taken into account. Ex sounds like a spiteful bully although I appreciate losing a child must be horrific, it’s still no excuse for his behaviour.,
For the record, many people who have lost a child, go on to have another child. It’s perfectly fine.
Xx

OP you sound like an amazing, very brave person 

What you've proposed to exH is more than reasonable in your circumstances.

OP please do not feel obliged to answer "who fault was the accident" it is possibly the most crass insensitive comment I have ever seen on MN by a long stretch.
I'm sorry for your loss xx

What an incredibly sad story. I’m so so sorry about your son OP. Heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you. Tell DH and start researching local solicitors.

I'm not trying to cause offence. Just to understand his perspective. It's very easy to post a one sided story without understanding the other side.

His way of dealing with that pain and indeed the seperation that it inevitably caused, should at least be recognised and not written off as some kind of scumbag like others suggest. Everybody hurts in their own way. It's grief and complex.

It's also true to recognise that the accident was not your fault. It's a sad fact I'm sorry you BOTH had to deal with.

Now that he's grieved in his own way albeit destructive, he now wants to see his child.

It's a tricky situation that I'm sure given a decent timeframe could be worked out. Hence why I suggested counselling first.

I would suggest a counsellor to see how to go about this in the interests of your child.

I'm hoping you work it out amicably. You now both have your own families / relationships but he is her dad at the end of the day and should be allowed to have a relationship with her going forward.

I wonder if he & his new wife ever have a child, if he will condemn himself for replacing his kids

I get that he is grieving for Ds .

However he has done nothing to show he actually cares about his dd. No maintenance, upset at party .

He has not shown any sign of caring what is in the best interests of your dd.

You were also hit by a car and lost your Ds and you carried on .

I cannot imagine how hard it must be.

He has no right to continue to abuse you either

Completely and utterly ignore him, dont respond to his letter and you are under no legal obligation to respond to a solicitors letter either.

Nothing will get to court without mediation so please don’t wast any money on a solicitor at this point.

If it ever gets to mediation suggest slow and steady build up of contact, but that he must be reliable and not sod off again.

I’m so sorry about your ds, you do not deserve your ex’s anger

I wouldn’t worry. He doesn’t have a prayer in court. If anything they’ll be sharpening their legal knives to sting him for child support. Clearly he has a chip on his shoulder and hasn’t been able to resolve his feelings over the past. Stick to your guns. Your are not responsible for what happened in the past.

I wouldn’t be confident that he will just fuck off again, now that he’s married. Quite possibly his wife is driving this (for good reasons - we all know decent women who try to make up for their man’s shortcomings )

I would reply that Xmas is too soon for him to have built up a secure relationship for her, but that in principle you are willing to help her build that (and reference what you did before). Keep a copy. Tell him to come back with his ideas on building that relationship.

Then leave the ball completely in his court.

I’m sorry for your loss. x

As the 'new' wife if someone who wanted access to his children. (So coming from the experience your ex will go through) .. it is not as simple as a court granting his wishes.

The court isn't interested in the fathers 'rights'. They are interested in your child's rights to a relationship with both parents , in a way that is safe and appropriate.

Before he gets anywhere near a court he has to request mediation. If you agree, you sit in a room with a mediator and thrash out an agreement that is in your child's best interests.

If you can't reach an agreement you go to court. He (or his solicitor) puts his case, You put your case for refusing his proposals/demands.
The judge will do one of three things. Agree with you (gradual build up, no Christmas etc) agree with him. Or order reports from CAFCASS. Thoughts and wishes of child. Interview with father and mother.
A new court date will be set.
When decisions will be made.

THIS IS HIS COURT APPLICATION TO MAKE . Not yours. You defend it.
Without an order he cannot make you do anything. It costs about £200 for mediation and £215 for an application to the court. A lot of money and time . He is talking about a solicitor on top. Very pricey.

DO NOT start racking up costs with solicitors. You really don't need it. IF he makes an application then go to court and simply tell them what you have said here. You are not being unreasonable and are not refusing contact. It just can't be hurried to suit his agenda. It has to suit your child.

Do not be bullied by his threats of solicitors letters. They mean nothing. A solicitor is simple HIS legal adviser and does not make the law. The only person able to tell you to do something is a Judge, via an order. Sit back, wait. Go to mediation/court , leave him to do all the work.

I do agree that a sudden Xmas with strangers is too much after 3 years absence. And that a letter from a lawyer really isn't worth paying attention to. It's awkward for all.

But longer term he clearly wants a role, and as her dad he is entitled to access. A legal letter is officially recorded. You clearly have declined his previous requests otherwise he wouldn't pay a lawyer to send a letter.

I suggest declining the sudden Xmas request by simply responding explaining the reasons why / too sudden etc. BUT suggest that you both discuss future shared visitation so that child has a chance to adjust, understand and accept.

Work it out.

What a wanker.

And the apologist posts for him are nothing short of pathetic. He’s gone through the same trauma and loss the OP has. She didn’t fuck off and abandon her. Whether he needs counselling is his lookout, he’s no longer the OP’s problem.

OP I agree with just ignoring him and only taking any action or instructing a lawyer of her pursues it. Surely it’s about what it’s in your daughter’s best interests not what he wants and how it is going to be in her interests to be separated from the only family she really knows to be a trophy for this prick is not at all clear.

So sorry for all you’ve gone through

They will build it up slowly and doubt very much a full on Christmas would be agreed

Sorry for your loss.

IMO, he has acted appallingly. Yes, he was grieving (as were you), but he then abandoned his surviving child. She has not only suffered one loss but two.

You are doing the right thing. Let him take you to court.

You’ve already tried to offer alternatives. He doesn’t like your response and so has proceeded this way. Let him get in with it and wait to see if he makes a court application. The court will order a MIAM first anyway and I highly doubt you’d get to the point of there being any interim order before March, let alone Christmas if he was to make the application now

So sorry to hear about your loss .
Would you consider claiming maintenance from him via CMS? I think they can take it from his wages so he has no choice but to pay.
Also if you're not claiming maintenance from him because you think this gives him more rights to access, it doesn't. So you may as well claim. You would have money for the solicitor then if needed.