Ex demanding to see DD at Xmas

[NeedHelpwithEX]

EXH and I had two DCs together.
Nearly years ago while I was still married to EX I was in a car accident with our DCs in the car. Sadly our DS passed away from his injuries. It was a horrific time for all of us. EXH and I did't have the best relationship anyway but our grief made it a thousand times worse. EXH was nice to me whenever someone else was in the room but when we were alone he would scream and insult me and made it clear that he blamed me for the accident and he hated me.

Then I woke up one morning and he had left me and DD without any real discussion. He replied to one message saying that he couldn't cope with DD and I anymore and that was it for 6 months.
Once he left I managed to carry on and gradually realised that I liked being apart from him. I moved out with DD and started to try and rebuild my life.

After 6 months EX contacted saying that he wanted a divorce. I agreed to that but he also refused to see DD as he said it reminded him too much of the child we had lost. At first I tried to give him space but as time went on and DD grew older I tried to push him to see her more. We would agree to contact and he would show up a couple of times and then he would stop coming and we would have to go through it all again.

In this time I remarried and had a DS with my new DH. EXH was vile especially after I had DS2 saying that I was trying to replace our son and that I hated our son and had deliberately caused the accident and that he hated me. He visited DD on her 7th birthday (after I pushed him to come) and he kicked off in the middle of her party after seeing me holding DS2 saying that I would get that I was replacing our son. In the end DH and a couple of friends had to chuck him out of the party.

Since then I haven't tried to get EXH to see DD. So he hasn't bothered getting in touch at all. DD is now 8 and she is doing really well sometimes she asks about EX and we try to answer as honestly as we can but she has never asked to see him.

About a month ago I got an email EX saying that he had gotten remarried during the summer and so this year he would like DD to have Christmas with him so she can meet his new wife and her family.
I replied saying that as he hadn't seen DD in so long he needed to build up contact with her slowly first. That I didn't think she would be comfortable going to Christmas with a load of strangers when she hadn't even seen him for nearly 3 years and he needed to make more of an effort to get to know her first. He didn't reply to this and I assumed that he had gone off the idea. I didn't mention it to DD as he didn't reply back saying that he wanted to see her.

Today I arrived home from work to a letter EX saying that he wants contact with DD starting from Christmas, that it wasn't fair that I was keeping DD from him and that he is going to take me to court. He said that he already has a solicitor and they think that he has a good case as I have had DD here for Christmas for years so it is obviously time that he had a turn with her. He also said that I should expect a letter from his solicitor in the next couple of days outlining what he has said and starting court proceedings.

I have no idea what to do now. DD won't want to go to him after all this time and I'm not comfortable letting her but I know what he is like and he will twist things and use them against me and make it seem like I am the bad guy and he is the poor grieving father who wants a second chance. I don't even know if we can afford a solicitor. I haven't told DH yet because I know he will be upset and I have no idea what to say to DD if he does push ahead with court.

While I think that his methods are questionable, I also think that the name calling and comparisons of grief are uncalled for on here. The OP and her H went through the same loss. Yes, the OP moved forward in her own way, but it is not for anyone to say that because one person did x another should do things the same. Grief is complicated. It may even be that in some instances he has blamed himself for not being there and that it’s been easier to blame the OP, to not see his DD, etc. It’s not for any of us to say how someone should grieve.

In terms of his wish to regain contact with his DD, I would advise that he goes through the official processes and builds up contact with her as per the OP’s suggestion.

Nobody is defending the man’s actions here or his behaviour toward the OP, but it’s also worth bearing in mind that the DD suffered a loss as well - she lost her brother, and while she was possibly too young to remember, she has a right to have a relationship with her father who also experienced the same loss.

We can none of us know what he has been through. On the surface of it walking away seems like an unforgivable thing to do, however this isn’t straightforward. L

It reads to me like his new wife is the one pushing for this, no doubt she's been spun a line about how you kept your DD from him after the accident.

Truthfully I would ignore him you have offered suggestions which are exactly what the court would do, they would require a relationship to be built up over a period of time. She is a person not a toy to be shared when he wants a turn ffs.

I would discuss it with you DH so he is aware but I certainly wouldn't be acting on the letter he sent. If I were you I would wait and see what happens next if it goes to court they are going to grill him about lack of maintenance and contact and the loss of your son is not a good excuse for either.

I am interested like a previous poster about how he will view any children he has with his new wife. Will they also be considered a replacement or does that only apply to children you have .

To be fair I’ve heard plenty of stories of people thinking someone having a baby after they’ve lost a child is them wanting to replace that child. It’s not unique, and I have no doubt that anyone having a baby after they’d lost a child and which they otherwise might not have had might even go through periods of guilt thinking that that’s what it could seem like.

I don’t disagree that anyone who walks away from a child and then starts making demands is wrong for doing so on a base level. But this name calling and prescribing how he should have grieved his loss because the OP did so in a certain way is deeply uncomfortable.

There are two strands to this.

He needs to rebuild his relationship with his DD now and that needs to happen slowly and over time. His methods are wrong and he needs to be told that this is a process which will take time. It can be universally acccepted that he is wrong on that score.

However, nobody has the right to decide how grief should affect someone, and that is entirely separate.

The OP hasn’t done anything wrong here FWIW, and if she goes through the correct processes and isn’t obstructive then things will work out as they’re meant to.

It's important he has the opportunity to develop a relationship with his daughter. This may take a while to reestablish.

However, this must be on your daughters terms and not his. If he isn't prepared to go slowly and at her pace, let him take you to court.

She'll have her say, you'll have yours.

Your exh has responsibilities not rights. They tend to think they have rights, it's the child who has the rights not the parent.

You are not withholding contact, you are just trying to reasonably put your daughters mental health first. No judge will be impressed with a bully attitude.

Make sure all your correspondence is recorded. Email, text etc. So you have a paper trail of how you are trying to assist him with reasonable access.

Family court isn't scary. Gather evidence, but let him do the running and bear the costs.

Don't be scared.

I haven't noticed anyone saying he's right, just some understanding why he might have reacted the way he has. It's a horribly sad story, people all react differently. Some cope, some crack. OP sounds amazing- she's coped, got help and kept going, despite, I'm sure, being extremely traumatised by what happened herself. The ex hasn't coped, he's blamed and lashed out. He sounds a mess and he's massively let his child down.

I wouldn't respond much to him at this point. I'd tell him (perhaps by letter) that you think it's a good idea that he steps up and takes a role in his daughter's life, and that he should indeed contact a solicitor and proceed via the court so that everything is done properly and in the best interests of your daughter. Add that you are perfectly happy for him to start gradually getting to know her, but you think she won't be ready for staying at his house with a family she doesn't yet know for a while, and that he needs to think about her and what she's been through. (this way you're not saying no to him and it's on paper). Then let him get on with it. It wouldn't be a bad thing for him to grow up and be a father, but I wouldn't hold your breath.

It's a very sad story for all of you, but that doesn't excuse the fact he has been an atrocious father to your DD.

Let him take you to court. Am sure the judge will also suggest that he builds up contact over time. Might be quite interested in the total lack of maintenance too.

He can get stuffed. You sound like a lovely Mum and have your DD's best interests at heart.

Err, isn’t a whole Christmas with a “new family” just far, far too in at the deep end for your DD? Never mind the other circumstances.

Christ on a bike, how’s she meant to cope with that emotionally at her age.

Really easy to see how that’s hoot in the best interests of the child.

You will both me required to attend mediation first (mandatory I'm afraid) and a CAFCASS report will also be done. Even once all that has been done it can take a year or more to get to court. Will cost him thousands.

He would likely be given initial contact in a contact centre for around 3 months as she doesn't know him

I would do nothing OP. He could be trying it on, for all you know. See if you do get a letter from a solicitor (it wouldn't surprise me if you don't), and if you do then get a solicitor yourself and let him/her respond on your behalf. I really wouldn't get drawn into discussions with him. He's been a sad excuse for a DF for most of your DD's life, so I really don't any judge will grant him the unfettered access to your DD that he seems to think is his right. No maintenance ever? No contact for three years? He's having a laugh. Don't respond to him and let him go the legal route if he wants. He's going to have to prove himself though if he wants legally mandated access.

Whether he had fried issues or not. That's not your daughters issue. You have tried to encourage contact- to no avail. Now we have family 2.0 and he doesn't want to look like a prick- and has probably fed her a huge woe is me story. Simple answer- even with a court order hers not going to get Christmas this year. You stick to what you've offered. Supervised, gradually increasing visits, culminating in part of Christmas next year if he sticks to the visitation offered. He won't. But at least then it will be in black and white what he's avoiding. I'm sorry about your son xx

But longer term he clearly wants a role

Yes, the role he has carved out for himself over the years, absent, unreliable, abusive, tight fisted arsehole

I wonder how far you'll go to make excuses for this waste of space Ss770640

I would think he has told his new wife a pack of lies about you and his relationship with his daughter, and has romanticised it.

It's unfair on your daughter to be thrown from her home at Christmas and into one she doesn't know with people she doesn't know at all and doesn't trust.

There's zero chance of him being granted the holiday as he has avoided contact and not even paid her maintenance. He wants a romanticised Christmas with his new wife and daughter without even tending to his relationship with her beforehand. If he wanted to be a father, he had months beforehand to ask to see her, but his sole request is Christmas, he has no interest in being a father or having a relationship with your DD.

I wouldn't worry yourself over it. Should he even go near legal proceedings, you can then request he pay all owed maintenance from him. I'm sure his vision of a Christmas with your daughter and new wife won't be worth actually paying you what he should've been.

This thread keeps popping up on my watched list . The one thing I can’t forget this little girl list her brother. Then her dad just abandoned her.

Just ignore the idiot and if he takes you to court then good, they can maybe get him to pay for the daughter that he hasn't bothered with!
What an arse 

Re reading your post op I would assume ex would get naff all tbh. Nothing about his contact to you is implying he wants to get to know dd at all. Write a timeline of events / contact he had /didn't have. His lack of financial support suggests he has given no thought to dd over the years, certainly not asking about her /refusing to see her won't go in his favour. Ask you solicitor to suggest when dd is 16 she can decide for herself when in full knowledge of all facts. Seeing him may bring back tragic memories which she is young to have to relive imo.
Christmas indeed!!
What an arse!!

It seems he has done you a favour in writing the letter. He has made it clear he wants to see his DD at Christmas. Surely a judge would question why he is writing to you now, but doesn't want to see her straight away, and have Christmas?

Can you clarify how old DD is? You say her dad hasn't seen her for three years but also say her dad visited her at her 7th birthday party and that she's now 8. Just wondering if that's a typo because if DD is actually closer to 10yo she'll be at the age where courts start to take the child's own views into account.