Afternoon date (sixth date) rather than evening - is it a bit odd?

[RubyN]

Posted previously about seeing a guy who is a virgin and last time I saw him said he wanted to slow things down. He also said he wasn't sure he was ready for a relationship but really likes me & is happy with where things are going. I'm not desperate to leap into another relationship either so this is ok for the moment & I love spending time with him.

But this weekend he has asked me for an afternoon date? Now suddenly I'm wondering if he's dating someone else in the evening OR if its his way of keeping me at arm's length. I mean, we had a heavy make out session on the last date, but had work the next day. The fact he is not asking me to meet in the evening, an obvious time to increase intimacy a little after the date, makes me wonder how interested he actually is.

And yet he has been in contact every day. I actually decided to take some space this week and he called me more! Am I being stupid, do I need to just go with the flow or is it weird?

When we are together on dates recently, as we say, he gives me massages, we hold hands and kiss which we both enjoy a lot. Well that's not just being friends is it? And is it possible to backtrack on that kind of intimacy and become just friends?

Thoughts appreciated.

Like others, I'm curious as to why you're pursuing it when he's moving away anyway? What's the point?

Amazed that no one else has suggested an afternoon date may mean afternoon tea?

Well if you would like to be friends and so would he then yes you could become friends if you have a lot in common and to chat about. If one or both don't really want to be friends then no not worth it. But there isn't going to be a relationship coming out of this and it's unlikely there's going to be some life changing sex out of this so it might work for him in the medium-term future (get some sexual experience, etc) but I'm not sure what you'll get out if it.

Thing is, I can the point of both of these:

1. Going out with someone who was a virgin and who wanted to take it slow, if there was a chance it could go somewhere long-term, and taking it slow was a way to enjoy getting there and getting to know one another.
2. Having a passionate fling with someone who’s leaving soon, if the chemistry is great and it’s all about living for today and having fun, without really having to worry about long-term compatibility etc.

But this isn’t either of those.

And you’re not that likely to develop a great of fulfilling friendship in a few months either. It could be one of those things that lays a foundation for later- either friendship or romance, when the time is right. But that’s pretty slim, and it would be better not to complicate that with massages and passionate makeouts sessions.

This is just messy, with no real upside.

I think it’s one of those situations where you both want different things and it’s not going to resolve.

Aaah, the semi-erect bit makes a bit more sense - do you think he's petrified of not managing to get an erection, so he's stalling? Do you think he's telling the truth about being a virgin, if he's had past relationships? (My DH was a virgin due to all-boys school and total lack of confidence when it came to women - no sisters etc, didn't know how to get out of friend-zone, too scared of rejection, but crucially, he hadn't had any past relationships. This guy has.)

I'm with PPs who've asked what's the point. He sounds like a lot of effort and head-fuckery for someone who's leaving on a jet plane in a couple of months.

I think you need to friend zone him.
Tell him you like spending time with him as a friend only.
You don't want a relationship as he is moving away.
But you can meet up as friends and have a nice time with no sex on the table at all.

In your situation I would

Talk to him about how he is acting more like a bf since he asked to cool it

Say that I’m happy to not have sex for now, but I still want kissing and intimacy, and that I’m not going to push him into doing anything.

Either people flow along and see what. Happens, or they start saying what they are up for, he’s said, now you need to too.

Um, maybe he just wants to spend a bit more time with you? Afternoon date which can extend into the evening? My second date with now fiancé was an afternoon date, in a cemetery watching a nature film screening, followed by drinks, then pizza, then a long walk home, then an amazing snog. Best date ever.
I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and see how things pan out. If he’s still being tricky after a few more tones seeing him then maybe think about jacking it in.

Starting multiple threads about this non starter of a bloke doesn’t exactly scream ‘doesn’t really want a relationship’ to me!

im so confused. You dont want a relationship. He doesn't want a relationship. You wont sleep with him because its not a relationship - but your wondering why he hasn't tried sleeping with you? But you dont want a relationship!! Either way - this is too tedious. Just tell him you want to be friends.

I would also go for just being friends as he's going away. Maybe consider a relationship when he's back but wouldn't put your life on hold for him.

Op

To be honest can you really be ARSED with all this?
It shouldn’t be such a fucking ball ache.

Tell him how you feel and ignore him for a few days

update:

In the end he asked to change the date to evening! We had a really nice time and I think we are both fairly smitten. I've had a bit of a rough week & he was supportive & helpful. Our conversations are always interesting & energised. He also showed me a poem he had written...which was clearly about one of our earlier dates. That was a surprise!

He was very affectionate, holding my hand, kissing my forehead as we waited to cross the road, we snuggled...and the kisses are v passionate. Like, the world is melting away passionate. At one point a guy walked past us & said 'love is alive!'

He then asked if I wanted to come to an event with him tomorrow, but I have other plans & I'm sticking to them. In that case, he said let's please spend time together again soon. I do still feel like sex is the elephant in the room... the thing is, I'm not even that bothered about rushing into sex, but I would like to have more time together indoors just the two of us?. I'm not sure how & when to bring that up again - we've had 6 dates...

That's lovely. The indoors part can probably explain as its cold. If you feel comfortable inviting him to yours you could invite him round to watch a film together, have a meal together or whatever you like doing.

I kept a former boyfriend at bay sexually for 3 months. Six dates is nothing!

I hope it works out for you. (Just for future reference though - I wouldn't see anything wrong with afternoon dates - I'm a night worker so afternoon dates are all I'd be able to do unless at the weekend.)

That sounds lovely. But i would try and see him again soon and talk about sex.

Poor bloke. Why bring up sex again?

He is a virgin, he said he wants to slow it down, he didn’t want sex when you slept in the same bed, he’s arranging going out dates. I think he’s made it clear he doesn’t want sex.

If he doesn't that's fine but it's bugging the OP so there's no harm in at least talking about it.

I think you're underestimating how nervous he is about having sex for the first time, never mind the performance issues even seasoned shaggers have, what about him wanting to make sure you're the one he WANTS to lose his virginity to?

If the tables were turned, everyone would be telling you to wait for as long as you want and not to feel pressured.

You have chosen to date a man who is a virgin, (which isn't for everyone and this is partly why, because women for the most part, like confidence in men, they like to be swept off their feet and an inexperienced man isn't going to do that) and you're expecting him to behave like a man who has had several sexual relationships.

He obviously likes you so chill out, relax and let it happen when it happens or you're in danger of scaring him off.

I would leave discussing sex too and wait until he's ready especially as in another post you suggested he might have been abused and as he's leaving in a few months.

Thanks for your replies. Just to be clear - I'm not desperate to sleep with him right now.

But on the last two dates, thinks have started to get hot and heavy and I've had to ask him to stop - because we're in a public place! I would like to share a private space with him again - just so we can be intimate however want to without prying eyes.

Not sure of the best way to broach that? And yes without scaring him off, as others have said...

He’s obviously more comfortable coming on to you in a public place than in your home because he knows he doesn’t have to take it any further.

It's a bit odd though. If the desire is there, then why not take it any further?

The point is I'd prefer to move things inside, without pressuring him to sleep together.