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Original poster

Afternoon date (sixth date) rather than evening - is it a bit odd?

78 replies

RubyN · 07/11/2018 19:11

Posted previously about seeing a guy who is a virgin and last time I saw him said he wanted to slow things down. He also said he wasn't sure he was ready for a relationship but really likes me & is happy with where things are going. I'm not desperate to leap into another relationship either so this is ok for the moment & I love spending time with him.

But this weekend he has asked me for an afternoon date? Now suddenly I'm wondering if he's dating someone else in the evening OR if its his way of keeping me at arm's length. I mean, we had a heavy make out session on the last date, but had work the next day. The fact he is not asking me to meet in the evening, an obvious time to increase intimacy a little after the date, makes me wonder how interested he actually is.

And yet he has been in contact every day. I actually decided to take some space this week and he called me more! Am I being stupid, do I need to just go with the flow or is it weird?

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyN · 07/11/2018 20:54

I think the point is 1) I am happy to take it slow at first, if this is what he needs - as long as there is movement eventually. Although he has been in touch multiple times a day, I have taken my time in getting back to him because, after all, he is not my boyfriend. I personally find it strange that he is contacting me more since initiating the casual conversation.

2) He is most likely moving in 3 months, so this was always going to be a short relationship anyway. He was up front with me on the first date about that. It has suited me because I am not completely over my last relationship, but I enjoy the intimacy and happy times. That said I do admit it does make things a bit confusing because the current relationship doesn't look much different from my past serious relationships. Actually I would argue we are emotionally closer than my ex and I.

Question: how long is reasonable wait before asking him to spend time in private again if he doesn't go there first? I will also only sleep with him if we are going to be exclusive.

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 07/11/2018 21:23

Could it be that after your hot and heavy date last time he's a bit scared it's leading to sex and thinks it'll be less likely an afternoon date will lead to sex?

CaptainCabinets · 07/11/2018 22:35

Afternoon dates are lovely Smile

DP and I went to a wildlife park on our third date! Much nicer way to do it as we had the whole afternoon to spend together getting to know each other.

5 years and a season pass to that same wildlife park later...!

Original poster
RubyN · 07/11/2018 23:15

This thread is making me feel like a wanton hussy Blush

I think I have forgotten how nice day dates are because it's been so long since I've been used to going on them. We are both thinking of what we'd like to do on the date...honestly I don't care as long as we're spending time together. The more I think about it the more I think it how nice it will be (with the sexual frustration only boiling quietly underneath...lol). Smile

OP posts:
BackforGood · 07/11/2018 23:37

I agree with everyone saying how nice it would be to spend time getting to know someone rather than just meeting for sex.
I love the idea of a trip to somewhere like a local zoo or safari park. Or, tbh, a walk in the local countryside or country park.
He's said he lies your company and wants to spend time with you, not he's desperate for sex and doesn't really care who you are or what you like. I'd have thought that was a really positive thing in a new relationship. Confused

Aquamarine1029 · 08/11/2018 03:11

How old is he?

LovingLiving · 08/11/2018 06:33

He is probably avoiding the intimacy/staying over part and with all his issues plus the fact he is moving, I wouldn’t bother myself.

I think you have high expectations of him. You want more than he can give which he has told you.

I wouldn’t worry about the exclusivity thing as you may well not have sex with him before he goes away in three months time.

JanetLovesJason · 08/11/2018 06:42

Is this really worth all the bother and mental fuss (anguish seems a bit strong, but it could easily turn into anguish).

So, it’s got an expiry date, he doesn’t want a relationship and you’re not going to have sex.

Unless I was 14, I’d be giving this one a wide berth.

Karting1967 · 08/11/2018 06:48

Are you both having to book annual leave to meet on a Friday afternoon?

undomesticgodde55 · 08/11/2018 06:56

Oh this sounds like that friends episode where Phoebe can't understand why a guy won't sleep with him! She eventually convinced him to sleep with him and Joey is amazed how the guy got phoebe to beg to sleep with him, say he never has to call her again and convinced her it was a good idea (yep I'm a saddo who loves to re-watch friends!) googled it for you - it's the one where Ross finds out if you wanna take a look.

undomesticgodde55 · 08/11/2018 06:57

Sleep with her not him**

undomesticgodde55 · 08/11/2018 07:00

Also as a side note, if it was you wanting to keep it steady and he was wanting sex all the time how would that honestly make you feel? Maybe having a big make out session made him think twice about going out in the evening obviously his virginity it important to him and if you really like him you need to respect that or move on.

bagpiss · 08/11/2018 07:05

Sorry if I missed it but has he said he can't see you in the evening? If not maybe he wants to spend longer with you and do an afternoon activity too?

LittleBookofCalm · 08/11/2018 07:13

perhaps it will lead to afternoon delight?

OhLemons · 08/11/2018 07:15

If he is a virgin then why do you think sex will be on the cards with you? You've acknowledged that you won't be seeing him for long because he's moving, so I'm thinking sex in a casual relationship is far more unlikely than likely?

How long were his previous relationships that didn't involve sex?

I think an afternoon date sounds lovely though!

theredjellybean · 08/11/2018 07:15

Going against the grain here.... I think he sounds a bit odd tbh.
He says he wants casual and slow and obviously he seems to avoid or not want sex... Then that is a friendship not a relationship in my book.
A day time date is lovely, and nice way to spend time together, but usually this is in the context of already being 'keen' on each other and that being clear... This guy is playing games.. He is getting you jumping through hoops and doubting and over thinking.. And of course once you backed off he upped the communications.. I bet if you see him on Friday and make any kind of physical intimacy moves he will cool off again.
He sounds stuck in angst adolescent mode..
Is that what you want? Worrying over dealing with his issues?

burnoutbabe · 08/11/2018 07:17

I'd find it odd to be refused a Friday night date and have to take time off for a Friday afternoon.
Plenty of chaste Friday night dates one can do, cinema etc just avoid drinking.
A Saturday afternoon date would be better as one would assume that would go on into the evening.

Original poster
RubyN · 08/11/2018 10:46

He is 23, soon 24, I am 27.

For those of you saying why bother - I know that would make the most sense on the surface. But meeting him as been like meeting my best friend - leaving the sexual issue aside I rarely makes connections like this one.

But I am thinking those of you saying sex might not be on the cards at all might be correct. If it's not, then ok - maybe I need to suggest we just become friends - either he will gratefully agree or it will give him a push to make a proper move. I do think he should be clear about the fact it's not on the cards if that's the case? He was the one encouraging things to get a little hot and heavy again also confused]

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyN · 08/11/2018 10:47

Maybe the best thing for me to do - on the date tomorrow is to ask him, would you prefer to just be friends?

As I say last date involved him giving me a neck massage, holding my hand, kissing me a lot.

OP posts:
TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 08/11/2018 10:58

If he's a virgin and doesn't want to have sex, is he definitely into you/women in general? I ask because although DH was a virgin when we met (he was 26), he was very enthusiastic about losing said virginity when it dawned on him that I was actually interested.

Original poster
RubyN · 08/11/2018 11:07

He says he's interested in women and his past (short) relationships have been with women. And he certainly seems very into me when we're together and has called every day this week. Obviously I can't say for sure...

But I do find it strange. The point is, I now don't know if he's put the brakes on indefinitely or just for a while. How do I ask the question without seeming like I'm pressuring? I reckon if nothing's moving by the end of the month I should just say let's be friends. Unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyN · 08/11/2018 11:08

Also we did attempt to have sex but he just got far too nervous/only semi-erect first time.

OP posts:
FieryGhoulie · 08/11/2018 11:14

I don't know if all the faffing and caveats he's laid out are worth it.

He says he doesn't want a relationship, and so do you, but you end up in bed (but don't have sex), it feels like he's using you to work through heavy stuff, but can disgard you when he's taken what he needs from you.

Original poster
RubyN · 08/11/2018 11:29

We ended up in bed before he said he felt he needed to 'go slow'

OP posts:
Mousey765 · 08/11/2018 11:36

If he's moving in 3 months I'm not sure what the point is. Why not just be friends? You aren't going to be in a relationship in the future anyway if he's moving away. If you aren't ready for a relationship but want sex and intimacy then be friend with this guy (If he wants that) and find another bloke to have a casual relationship with?

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