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Original poster

DH has already taken 3 days off of work in 2 months?

58 replies

SwimmingO · 07/11/2018 07:59

DH has started a new job which is only 3 days a week (16 hours). He is on his 3rd day off in 2 months today. He tried lying to me and saying he was ill but he didn't act unwell at all and actually has been the most productive he has been in months... I said look you don't seem unwell and he said honestly, I'm not. I just need to get my shit together (he has already been to 24 hour Tesco to buy all this diet food) and has arranged all his paperwork into folders. He was going on about how he has been feeling depressed and that's why he took those other 2 days off and he was feeling it a bit this morning and said he can't keep having this and has done these things to "sort his shit out". I'm obviously very concerned and can't see that helping at all!? Diet food!? Did he really need to take a bloody day off to get diet food when he would only have been there 6 hours... likewise for sorting out the paperwork.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
ileclerc · 07/11/2018 08:00

Are you working FT and supporting him?

PurpleDaisies · 07/11/2018 08:02

You can’t always see depression. Sometimes work gets on top of you and you have to take a day off.

Has he been to see his gp?

BuffaloCauliflower · 07/11/2018 08:03

He sounds like me when my depression wasn’t good, avoidant and panicky.
Sit him down and ask him what’s wrong that he can’t get to work regularly, if he’s depressed he needs to see a doctor

needsahouseboy · 07/11/2018 08:06

Well if he’s still under probation he has probably just triggered his sickness policy and will be looking at stage one.

Original poster
SwimmingO · 07/11/2018 08:06

I do work full-time, yes. However I'm on maternity leave right now.

I tried speaking to him and he just goes "oh you really don't need to worry after today, I'm sorting things out that have been stressing me and then I'll stay on top of it and be okay"

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 07/11/2018 08:11

I always wonder what all these people would do if they didn't have someone else working FT to support them.

Original poster
SwimmingO · 07/11/2018 08:13

He got this new job so he can be at home with our daughter when I'm no longer on maternity leave, hence it's only 16 hours. I'm just really concerned over the days off, especially now he openly admits he lied.

OP posts:
LtGreggs · 07/11/2018 08:14

When my DH does stuff along these lines is definitely a sign of depression being worse. Imo it's displacement activity, and also that he's looking for something controllable and visible - massive house-tidy provides that.

SlipperyNettle · 07/11/2018 08:20

Cheeky twat. I wouldn’t expect a grown man and father to pull a sickie.

You can’t stop him doing this, you can’t control him. All you can do is set out your own boundaries. Let him know if he keeps doing this or loses his job through pulling sickies that there’ll be consequences and figure out for yourself what they are. Would you stay with him if he’s unreliable like this? Could you trust him as a partner? I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my OH if he was doing shit like this, in a partnership you need to know that if shit hits the fan you can take care of each other emotionally and practically, and he’s taking the piss.

Fuckimdoingaphd · 07/11/2018 08:31

Is he anxious? I would have done that when I was anxious.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 07/11/2018 08:34

This is actually what I do when I’m heading into a manic episode, make rash decisions about taking time off, make plans and lists and buy the next miracle life changing plan stuff.

He needs to speak to his gp.

FritataPatate · 07/11/2018 08:35

OP, is he just lazy, do you think?

ComtessedeLancret · 07/11/2018 08:35

Sounds like he’s has some mental health days and good on him - mental illness isn’t something you can “see” - there’s no bleeding wound or broken bone - but it hurts the same and it’s debilitating.

Does his work have an issue with it? Unless he’s likely to get the sack from days off I would leave him be.

IStandWithPosie · 07/11/2018 08:38

He sounds like me when my depression wasn’t good, avoidant and panicky.

Yep. Me too.

Mental illness is illness too you know. Just like physical illness.

Whisky2014 · 07/11/2018 08:38

I agree he needs to see a gp. He isn't happy and sounds anxious.

Juells · 07/11/2018 08:45

While being sympathetic, in your shoes I'd make alternative arrangements for child-minding. If he finds a 16hr week more than he can handle, 24 hrs a day with a baby will be too stressful for him. What will you do if he starts pulling sickies just as you're heading out to work in the morning?

Magair · 07/11/2018 08:50

Yup, DH who has anxiety and mild depression does this when he's heading into a down patch. Usually has incredible work ethic, but I'll notice a creep of days sick/wfh. He manages it all now so it just means starting the techniques he has. Your DH definitely doesn't sound quite right at the mo.

greendale17 · 07/11/2018 08:53

I would be more worried about him getting let go from his job

dontalltalkatonce · 07/11/2018 08:56

No one's ever lazy on MN. It's always a mental illness.

PurpleDaisies · 07/11/2018 08:57

Those of us with experience in this area are saying it sounds exactly like depression/anxiety dont.

Changedname3456 · 07/11/2018 09:01

If he’s taking this time off as holiday that’s one thing. Taking three sickies in two months? I’d not be impressed if I was managing him (or having to work as a colleague filling in for his short-notice absence).

ShatnersBassoon · 07/11/2018 09:01

Whether his avoidance is due to illness or laziness, this job is not going to be sustainable. He doesn't want to be there.

Has he left a job he enjoyed? Is this a step down for him?

Puggles123 · 07/11/2018 09:08

I agree with others that it sounds like it could be related to the state of his mental health; could it be he is struggling more than he lets on? Sounds like he needs support rather than going on about getting fired, he probably already feels anxious enough about having the time off. Mental health days are just as valid as physical health, although maybe he needs to be realistic about finding a job that doesn’t trigger it.

Johnnyfinland · 07/11/2018 09:15

I had more than 3 days off during my probation period for MH issues. My work was very understanding because as others have said, it’s an illness just like any physical illness. The poor guy can’t help being depressed (if he is), I really hate the attitude some people have to sickness. Nobody chooses to be ill or depressed, if you need time off you need time off. It’s not some mark of a perfect person if they have 100% attendance, just one that’s been lucky to avoid MH issues or physical illnesses. It sounds like he needs support and a gentle push to see a doctor or look into counselling, not people saying he’s a cheeky skiver. If this was a man posting about his wife I doubt anyone would be calling her a cheeky twat

riotlady · 07/11/2018 09:17

I agree this sounds like me on a day where my anxiety/depression is bad- I wouldn’t have been able to get out the house to go shopping but the rest sounds about right.
Has he been to see a doctor?

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