DH has already taken 3 days off of work in 2 months?

[SwimmingO]

DH has started a new job which is only 3 days a week (16 hours). He is on his 3rd day off in 2 months today. He tried lying to me and saying he was ill but he didn't act unwell at all and actually has been the most productive he has been in months... I said look you don't seem unwell and he said honestly, I'm not. I just need to get my shit together (he has already been to 24 hour Tesco to buy all this diet food) and has arranged all his paperwork into folders. He was going on about how he has been feeling depressed and that's why he took those other 2 days off and he was feeling it a bit this morning and said he can't keep having this and has done these things to "sort his shit out". I'm obviously very concerned and can't see that helping at all!? Diet food!? Did he really need to take a bloody day off to get diet food when he would only have been there 6 hours... likewise for sorting out the paperwork.

I don't know what to do.

He’s lazy. He’s disorganised. If he’s well enough to shop for his little treats then he’s well enough to work. He’s risking his job. - which may be what he wants.

He’s lazy. He’s disorganised. If he’s well enough to shop for his little treats then he’s well enough to work.

Being able to go to the shops is not in any way a guarantee that someone with a mental health issue is fit for work.

Awh I'm concerned for him now.

He isn't usually a lazy person, no. He had a full time job before which he did quite like, but we agreed after a long discussion that him going part time to be at home with DD was the best option. The jobs are similar.

He hasn't been to see a doctor.

It does sound like anxiety/avoidant behaviour, I've had a few episodes like this in the past. Trouble is, unless he recognises that and is able to explain it to his employer, he's going to be in deep shit.

If someone came to me after two months/three days off and said they'd taken the day off to buy diet food (obviously if they hadn't disclosed a mental illness) they'd be out of a job.

If he hasn't previously disclosed mental ill-health and wants to keep this job, you need to get hold of his staff handbook/contract and work out a strategy.

@dontalltalkatonce

No one's ever lazy on MN. It's always a mental illness.

I'm afraid I agree with dontalltalkatonce. I've had periods when I walked around non-stop screaming inside my head, not able to sleep, but as a single mother with young children I couldn't afford to lose my job. No-one was all understanding and soothing and sympathising because I was suffering from depression, my life was shit and I was beside myself with fear for the future. I had to get up every morning and go into work.

I have huge sympathy for people who are suffering from depression, but with a baby to support my sympathy for a non-working partner would be less than zero.

I’ve managed large teams which have usually included at least a few people with both mental and physical health problems.

Whilst I was, and always will be, sympathetic to colleagues with both groups of ailments, having anyone take short notice single-day sick days at the sort of frequency OP is talking about causes havoc in teams.

People have to pick up slack which is, these days, generally not accommodated for within the overall size of the team. It adds pressure to the working colleagues that wouldn’t otherwise be there. They often have to work longer, often doing unpaid “OT” and missing breaks to soak up the sick person’s duties.

You start to see sickness days go up across the board because the other employees get pissed off and over-stressed. The person off sick is having to be constantly “caught up” on what has happened whilst they’ve been off, which backs work up even more. Training has to be repeated, requests for vacation considered more carefully etc.

And there’s nothing more frustrating in a work context than talking to someone with (often self-diagnosed) depression who tells you repeatedly that they “don’t need” to see their GP or a specialist about it.

@dontalltalkatonce

No one's ever lazy on MN. It's always a mental illness.

SO true!

@PurpleDaisies

Those of us with experience in this area are saying it sounds exactly like depression/anxiety.

How patronising.

Lots of us on here (and irl) have experience with anxiety and depression... both having it and living with people who have it. Funnily enough, most people manage to still work more than 16 hours a week, providing money for themselves, the family, and the home. They have no choice, when they have no-one to dish out handouts to them.

I wonder how these people who constantly throw sickies, dump jobs left right and centre, stay 'not working' for months at a time, and get others to carry them, would cope if said partner (or parents) cut the cord and said 'you're on your own.'

No way in HELL would I put up with a man like the OP's husband . She is enabling him. Wouldn't we all love to work 16 hours a week, throw sickies every week, and get someone to fund this lifestyle?!

Very rare I say this, but I would LTB. He is unlikely to change.

And yes of COURSE depression and anxiety are very real, but in some cases, the person is just a lazy freeloader. IMO the OP's husband is the latter.

No one's ever lazy on MN. It's always a mental illness.

What a twatish thing to say. Luckily, we live is a world, where MH can be more openly spoken about, apart from a few like you still lurking under rocks. Just because you don't suffer from it, or understand it, doesn't mean it's not real.

Depression can make you avoid jobs, put things off, procrastinate, it can be a sign of bigger things under the surface.

Maybe MrSwimming is just lazy. But it's certainly worth a bit of empathy and trying to find out more, if this is something that's outside of his typical character.

Lots of us on here (and irl) have experience with anxiety and depression... both having it and living with people who have it. Funnily enough, most people manage to still work more than 16 hours a week, providing money for themselves, the family, and the home. They have no choice, when they have no-one to dish out handouts to them.

So EVERYONE with depression and anxiety experiences it the same way? Everyone is capable of pushing through and working?

MANY people have no CHOICE but to 'push through' anxiety, and try and carry on with life - and work. We don't all have people to carry us and fund our lifestyle of staying at home.

The more you 'enable' people like the OP's husband, the less you are helping them.

Like a few other posters, I am sick of some people saying on here that everyone who is lazy (or rude,) MUST have a mental illness of some kind, Sometimes people are just lazy, or arseholes! (OR BOTH!)

Is he off sick or using annual leave? If the former he may find himself out on his ear sooner rather than later.

I have also taken time off when I am struggling with my mental health because I have found it hard to focus on working and feel like I need time to get myself together

The key thing here is that OP's husband needs to get himself to a Dr. Or at the very least do one of the online anxiety/depression assessment scores online.

OP doesn't want to end up enabling him & doing it all, whilst he sits around at home. The fact that he has taken these days off so close together says there is a problem, even if he doesn't want to face it himself.

The OP needs to get himself to work, not to a doctor! He's taken the day off to sort out his folders and buy diet food. In what way does that resemble depression?

Depression is so often cited where a woman is working full-time hence lazy husbands can take the piss by not pulling their work weight.

What's going to happen if/when he loses his job? 16 hours is such a strain isn't it.

I wonder what these depressed men would do if their wife wasn't supplying income

No one's ever lazy on MN. It's always a mental illness.

^I agree

I don’t see how a load of strangers speculating on OP’s husband’s mental health is useful when she hasn’t said anything about him having any kind of mental illness.

Internet armchair diagnosis isn’t very useful.

Sometimes people are just lazy or noncommittal. If he has underlying health reasons for doing this I’m sure OP would have stated it as it’d be relevant.

Not to mention the fact that whether he’s genuinely called in sick because he’s depressed or is just pulling a fast one, neither of those reasons will change the impact on OP financially or his standing at work. If he has a mental health issue he should see his doctor and get treatment. Not bumble along calling in sick to work without actually having any kind of diagnosis.

Some of these comments are disgusting. It’s 2018. There’s no excuse for not being aware how serious depression and mental illness can be and how dismissing it and accusing the person of being lazy can make it worse.

OP is it possible he is struggling with the decision to give up his previous job?

I would have more sympathy if he had been to drs and got a diagnosis. I agree with Blackchina that OP might be (unwittingly) enabling her OH. Sorting paperwork doesn't sound like severe depression to me.

He isn't usually a lazy person, no

Those are the words of the OP so how about everybody quit being disrespectful of smimming in debating their impression of mumsnet and instead do her the courtesy of only posting on this thread specifically about this thread.

Swimming I think you need to express that you are concerned and that if he continues to feel like he needs more time off to cope then he needs to take responsibility for himself and see his GP as you need him to be happy and well.

Nobody would be calling a woman with a part time job a lazy freeloader or saying they had zero sympathy. They’d be telling the husband to cut her some slack because she’s just got a new job and is adjusting to life with a new baby. And seriously, you know bugger all about depression if you think being able to file paperwork means you’re fit for work! There’s some incredibly unpleasant people on this thread. Perhaps he is just lazy, but we don’t know that any more than we know for certain he has depression!

Nobody would be calling a woman with a part time job a lazy freeloader or saying they had zero sympathy.

They certainly would. He hasn't had a baby, the OP has.

I suspect the ones who are least sympathetic (like me) are the ones who had to drag themselves to work even though they'd have liked to collapse in a dark corner and cry and cry and cry. Not going to work was a luxury I couldn't afford.

There are 2 types of people.

Going through what I have had made me more sympathetic to others, not less.

I would be depressed if I was asked to leave a job I loved to get one I disliked so I could spend 2 days with a baby a week. I’m sorry but, this nursery saving home schemes some families go for only work if the person asked to stay at home loves spending time going from one baby group to another. Men do not find this that easy because there are far less men doing it and therefore less strong friendships to forge, less fun times exchanging stories with people going through the same.

Is there any possibility of him going back to the job he loved? it will be a bit tight with nursery fees at the beginning but there are benefits that outweigth the stretch: He would be happier and you two will be able to provide better for your kid in the future.
Becoming part time can certainly screw your career in some professions.

By the way, I’m not sexist with my comment above. I was the one who had to stay at home (he was earning more) but that meant we ended up growing professionally at different pace, at some point he started looking down on me and I resented him enough to divorce him. I am now raising my son on my very own with a meagre salary as those years of part timing so I could bake and go to the park with my son have ruined my career prospects. My son is doing well, but I really don’t see him to be any better than his friends who attended nursery full time.