DH has already taken 3 days off of work in 2 months?

[SwimmingO]

DH has started a new job which is only 3 days a week (16 hours). He is on his 3rd day off in 2 months today. He tried lying to me and saying he was ill but he didn't act unwell at all and actually has been the most productive he has been in months... I said look you don't seem unwell and he said honestly, I'm not. I just need to get my shit together (he has already been to 24 hour Tesco to buy all this diet food) and has arranged all his paperwork into folders. He was going on about how he has been feeling depressed and that's why he took those other 2 days off and he was feeling it a bit this morning and said he can't keep having this and has done these things to "sort his shit out". I'm obviously very concerned and can't see that helping at all!? Diet food!? Did he really need to take a bloody day off to get diet food when he would only have been there 6 hours... likewise for sorting out the paperwork.

I don't know what to do.

My depression started when I gave up my job to be a SAHP. I wish I’d never done it. It has affected me so badly and in ways I’ve yet to feel (pension!)

Going through what I have had made me more sympathetic to others, not less.

I don’t think it’s about being less sympthetic, it’s about being realistic.

I was signed off for a month with severe clinical depression over last winter, most days I couldn’t get out of bed, i’d just try sleep 24 hours per day, not get out for a shower, stopped wearing makeup even though I’d worn it every day since my teens and loved it. Turned down seeing friends and basically withered into a shell. I had been diagnosed, medicated, and signed off by a doctor, my work knew I was off with depression and supported me fully.

Depression is different for everybody. At other times I’ve had it badly and managed go continue going to work, somehow. Between clients I sat and wondered how I could hurt myself and get away with it. I didn’t miss a day. People noticed something was wrong with me but I didn’t feel worthy of taking it seriously and calling in sick.

A man who calls in sick, for a second time, says he feels depressed (which a lot of people say as a word for being down or sad!) but has no other indicators of having depression, hasn’t seen a GP about it or being diagnosed, and leaves his workplace in the lurch and risks his relatively new job may or may not have depression. We have literally no reason to believe he does, barring the sentence ‘he said he feels depressed’. So why approach this as though he’s definitely mentally ill and that’s why he’s doing this? There’s some truth in the statement that on MN nobody is ever lazy, they’re always mentally unwell. Sometimes someone is just lazy. I think once you’ve been through something like depression it gives you a lot of empathy for other people suffering from it, but it doesn’t cloud your mind to the extent that you see it everywhere because you know how serious it is and what it looks like.

Eh? If it's his third day off sick in two months, and he's not sick, that's concerning, since he may lose his job (although he should be given plenty of warning).
But how are people figuring he's a lazy freeloader?
He's given up his full time job to be the (PT) SAHP, so when Swimming returns to work he'll be busy all day when he's not at his paid work.

so why approach this as if he’s definitely mentally ill and that’s why he’s doing this?

Yes, there’s always a chance that people posting about their partners mental health are the victim of an abusive or lazy partner. If you look back through the few posts made by the OP you can see she’s now worried about him and there’s no suggestion of signs of abuse or laziness despite previous posters suggesting as much. Also he’s displaying my early symptoms!

If she has doubts about her partner and thinks he’s abusive or lazy then of course that would change my view. But until then, if she’s not anything other than worried about him so I’ll believe her and accept her judgement at face value

A man who calls in sick, for a second time, says he feels depressed (which a lot of people say as a word for being down or sad!) but has no other indicators of having depression, hasn’t seen a GP about it or being diagnosed

As you said, depression manifests itself in many ways and the OP’s short posts have described my indicators, indicators you’d miss if you knew me as you don’t recognise them as such!

My DH and I are now both diagnosed but both of us had to practically fall apart and been told by the other to go to a doctor. We didn’t go when the undiagnosed signs were small because we didn’t recognise them for what they were or thought we could handle it.

I’m one who needs to organise and simplify my life in the run up to feeling more overwhelmed. If those coping strategies don’t work then things snowball and I get the symptoms that described you. I’m a long way down my path of dealing with depression and haven’t been depressed or on medication for over 20 years thanks to counselling which identified triggers and coping strategies but I still have issues with food. The indicators that I’m struggling are that the house is always tidier and I catch up on doing the books plus bulk buy in shopping and batch cook. I don’t go out as much and avoid contact with others. My coping strategies work well so I never need to get to the extreme symptoms stage. It was the same when I was undiagnosed but I didn’t recognise them for what they were.

Both my DH and I had to exhibit far more extreme symptoms before we went to the doctor, and even then only after we had be ‘told’ to by the other. I don’t think it’s common to self refer to a doctor until you get to the stage where you aren’t coping.

I think people who are depressed & maybe haven't had it before often lose insight & it does often take someone else to point things out.

Having said that (as the partner of someone who has recurring depression) it is incredibly hard to live with. My DP is short-tempered, disengaged & takes to his computer when low, which means he doesn't participate much in family life. It's tough. I try not to be his enabler. But it can be a fine line to tread.

I think that approach of just getting to the GP for ADs is pretty wrong sometimes. When I was in the situation of the OP’s husband, Our marriage counselour and my husband dully sent me to my GP for ADs when I hit a low point, my marriage was sustained by Prozac.

Naturally, I thought I had mental health problems... interestingly I have not used ADs since the moment I said “enough” to work part time in a crappy job to be able to spend a couple of days at home with my child. Both DS and I were much better and doing far more stuff together after I removed myself from CBBies land.

I love my son dearly, he is the centre of my life, but I was not born to stay at home. I need the challenges and social interaction that a good job provides. Even now that my son is a teen and pretty much minding his own business, I can feel very down if I spend more than a day at home a week for as little as 1 month. No ADs will change that.

My DH suffers badly at times with depression and anxiety. He’s always managed to work long hours and provide childcare on his rare days off. If he didn’t, I’m not sure we would have lasted.

If your DH is depressed or anxious, he needs professional help. You can self refer in many areas for talking therapies. I’d sugf3t he also needs to see his GP.

Risking his job is impacting on you and that’s just not fair. He needs to sort himself out properly, diet foods aren’t a recognised treatment for depression.

I agree with the pp who said I’d be worried about leaving a baby with him. Babies are bloody hard work, I used to go to work some days and enjoy the break.

Does he look after DD much when he is home? Does he cook and do housework?

He's actually a really great dad, I feel so happy that our daughter has a daddy like him. He actually wanted to be a SAHP, he is really good with her - does her bathtime and bedtime routine when I am doing my after work, work and currently takes her to her parent and baby swimming classes.

He used to be in a full time job and worked long hours and extremely hard and said he would love to be at home with our daughter as she grows as he is barely even at home with that job and we spoke about it and believed it was the right thing to do.

I don't think he likes his part time job much but I think it's just the adjusting and being on his other job for so many years. He seems great on most days, but lately just seems to be having these really odd days of thinking he needs to change everything to make him less panicky, it's just odd behaviour and he seems really distressed on those days.

I have no concern over leaving him with our daughter, like I say he is really good with her and she adores him, it's so beautiful hearing them both laugh with each other (she's 5 months).

Thanks for the comments.