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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you leave your Husband if he did this......

97 replies

brownie111 · 05/11/2018 21:02

  • Tried to snog all of your friends (when drunk)
  • Tried it on with your Sister
  • Went on a night out, and instead of staying overnight with a male friend as planned, actually stayed at a females flat (although swore nothing happened)
  • Would occasionally shove you/kick you, in an argument

BUT

  • Earned a lot of money and kept the family in a good lifestyle (financially), so big house, nice cars, holidays etc.
OP posts:
Momo18 · 05/11/2018 21:22

Had you stayed you would blame yourself for your children suffering and developing negative behaviours such as a son treating his wife the same etc. Honestly, you did the right thing. Nobody should endure that level of disrespect

Original poster
brownie111 · 05/11/2018 21:25

Thank you. xx

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 05/11/2018 21:26

If you’d stayed you would have taught them that you were a walkover. Instead you taught them that money, can’t buy happiness and being treated like dirt isn’t worth it. It’s easy for other people to say ‘it was only a bit of fun’ when it’s not their life. Bloody jell, he tried it on with your sister!!!!

Accountant222 · 05/11/2018 21:29

You can look yourself in the eye and know you did the right thing

Over50andfab · 05/11/2018 21:30

My Ex did none of that, but did other emotionally abusive stuff and I stayed with him way too long, trying to hold it together till the DC were old enough. With hindsight this had a negative effect on their lives and I really should have done it years before. So good for you OP.

MixedMaritalArts · 05/11/2018 21:35

You can’t be sure of the road not taken ... but it’s a pretty good guess that staying would have meant different issues - not issue free ! Give yourself a high five next time you look in the mirror.

FFSFFSFFS · 05/11/2018 21:36

Your kids have issues because their father is a wanker. Not because you left him. They would have even more issues if you'd stayed. Trust me on that one.

starzig · 05/11/2018 21:38

Good lifestyle trumps cheap snogs for me.

Mamabear4180 · 05/11/2018 21:41

You didn't cause a broken home, he did. Look after yourself OP

AnoukSpirit · 05/11/2018 21:42

An abusive home is a broken home. A home where all its members are safe from abuse is not broken.

You sound courageous to me - to have made that decision, gone through with it, stood your ground, and with all of the fallout you've had to face.

You ever read Freedom Flowers? It goes with the main Freedom Programme book and looks in more detail at the damage caused to children in abusive environments.

You protected them from the abuse in the only way you could have done. The only person whose fault it is that you had to do that is his for being abusive.

It sounds like you still struggle to appreciate how abusive he was to you? The way his family turned on you was part of that.

I wonder if you'd find it easier to let all this guilt go if you went on the Freedom Programme. Would you consider it? It's not therapy, just information. You don't have to share your own story, you can just listen. And it sounds like it could be information that would be really valuable to you.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Take care.

DonkeyHotei · 05/11/2018 21:42

Jesus, some of these answers. Can you remember that you're responding to somebody who has been abused and moderate your tone accordingly?

oatmilk4breakfast · 05/11/2018 21:43

Sorry you lost me at ‘kick’ - you poor thing. If you want to leave or you want him to leave there’s support on the Internet! 💐👍

caringcarer · 05/11/2018 21:43

Better to come from a broken home than see their Mum get broken!

smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 05/11/2018 21:47

Oh no! Please don't feel this way. My parents separated and of course if affected me in various ways, and my sister. We both firmly believe that we are better off than we would have been if we had stayed as a "whole family". I learned lessons about what to expect from a partner and am very happily married.

oatmilk4breakfast · 05/11/2018 21:47

Sorry I over enthusiastically posted before I saw your update...my parents divorced. I’m in my thirties now and I’m glad my mum didn’t suffer years and years / sadly she’s not happy now but that’s a different story. My unhappiness over everything is only mine, I don’t blame her for anything. Your children are still young (relatively speaking) Please don’t torture yourself with ‘shoulds’ - he was totally in the wrong and you didn’t cause a ‘broken home’ - he did

diddl · 05/11/2018 21:48

"Better to come from a broken home than see their Mum get broken!"

Absolutely!

He was abusive-you couldn't stay!

How much contact did he have?

DowntonCrabby · 05/11/2018 21:49

FlowersFlowersFlowers God OP THIS IS heartbreaking.

You have the strength and courage to make a better life for yourself and DC. Seek some real life support and use this thread for the amazing advice from some arsekicking MNers.

You are worth more than this life.

RagingWhoreBag · 05/11/2018 21:51

I would leave him if he did any ONE of those things and no amount of money would make me stay. In fact, knowing that he would have to pay me a substantial percentage of his high earnings in the divorce settlement would make me even more eager to get rid of his sorry cheating arse. You deserve better, we all do Flowers

Rachelover40 · 05/11/2018 21:52

I'd leave him and take him to the cleaners. Better still, kick him out and keep the house.

Do one or the other and make sure you get a good financial settlement, you've earned it.

PetalsOnTheStream · 05/11/2018 21:54

"A bit of fun" does not mean being cruel, untrustworthy, and misogynistic.

And it DEFINITELY isn't "fun" to be violent.

Your children may well be grieving, but he and his family are the culprits for that, not you.

Flowers
KittiKat · 05/11/2018 21:54

Oh Brownie, please don't blame yourself at all. I too "broke up the family" when my daughter was 18 and son 16. My daughter could hardly talk to me for 3 years. She is now 27 and is literally the best daughter I could wish to have. She just needed time to get over it. To be honest, part of getting "over it" was having to adjust to a new and different lifestyle. No longer could she have money to do what she wanted, no longer were there holidays, horse riding etc etc because I just did not have the money. Her Father did and for her 21st he bought her a new car, paid for her and 3 friends to go away for a long weekend. She now realises that the love I gave her was unconditional and I just could not give her the material things as I did not have the money and I know that she respects me for the decision I made all those years ago.

Iaimtomisbehave1 · 05/11/2018 21:56

At 20 and 21, I think it would be really healthy to sit down with them and say what you've said here. Tell them how you feel, ask how they feel. Get it all off your chest and if you're sorry then tell them you're sorry, if you need their forgiveness or understanding then ask for it. Just talk to them like adults.

yetmorecrap · 05/11/2018 21:57

It’s all very well older children acting high handed, they don’t have to shag them or be around them all the time, pandering to whims etc

MadeForThis · 05/11/2018 21:57

Can you imagine how damaging it would be to watch your dad kick your mum? Push her over? Cheat on her? Disrespect her?

You made the right decision.

AjasLipstick · 05/11/2018 21:58

Oh mate I'd rather be homeless and living on the street than put up with that!

Your DD might get wiser as she ages.

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