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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP thinking of killing himself

74 replies

Cjrhg · 05/11/2018 00:06

My partner of several years has had daily suicidal thoughts for as long as he can remember. Most days he has a less than 50% intention but some days much more. This was one of the worse weeks. We had a row today which ended with us saying we were both unhappy. I said I wasn't sure what the point was in continuing as we were making each other miserable. He left, and later text me to say he was going to kill himself.

I was hysterical and managed eventually to get hold of him on the phone. He's agreed not to do it tonight. But he says he doesn't see any point or reason not to. He hates his life, he's lonely isolated and unhappy. 2 of his closest friends killed themselves in their teens; he has never really got over this. He's also had several other traumatic events more recently. He can't think of anything to look forward to or how his life will ever get any better.

I don't know what to do. His parents are elderly so I can't tell them. There is no one else. He has had counselling and psych support from the crisis team but it hasn't helped. He refuses medication. I feel like the clock is ticking and I just don't know what to do or where to turn.

OP posts:
MarthaArthur · 05/11/2018 00:09

Oh op. No real advice as im not trained but here for a hand hold. Please remember that this is not down to you and you need to protect yourself first and foremost.

He needs to seek help and so far that seems unlikely but if he does threaten suicide call 999 and have them go round to check on his welfare.

Mousey765 · 05/11/2018 00:19

Is he still under the MH team?

I've posted about this recently, and its just anecdotal, but....Someone I know recently left their DH of 30+years due to his psychosis. It was no longer viable for her to stay. For her own psychological health and also for safety.

All I can say is to do what we did on that day and then she has continued with on following days which is management one step at a time. On the first day we visited the Dr and the police checked on him later. After that the MH team saw him very regularly (making appointments etc so he had things to keep to). I believe he is now just on weekly appointments. He is also resistant to any drug treatment (somewhat understandable as his illness means he is convinced he isn't ill IYSWIM). Any sniff of a credible threat of suicide and she (his DW) will call 999. Realistically the risk goes down as he becomes more accustomed to the day to day life of life without her in the home. It is slightly different as she has moved out but they aren't separated formally at this time. Friends know so are able to provide him some support taking the strain from her.

It will never be your fault what someone else does. You cannot sacrifice your life for the chance of him taking his. If it is a case of when and not if...then prolonging it unfortunately isn't a very good long term solution.

Cjrhg · 05/11/2018 00:31

Thanks for the handhold.

He's not under the MH team currently. He was with the crisis team for a couple of weeks earlier this year but they signed him off telling him to see his GP (he's not registered with one so hasn't). Nothing since then.

He's been in trouble with the police in the (long ago) past so I know he wouldn't forgive me for calling them. Saying that I know if he does it, he will do it away from home so I can't stop him.

This is so shit. Selfishly I can't believe he'd do this to me. I lost my parents very young due to illness. And now he's choosing to leave me. I'm veering between tears and anger atm. Sorry.

OP posts:
Cjrhg · 05/11/2018 01:11

Can't sleep for worrying about what he will do. Feel awful.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 05/11/2018 01:15

I don’t really have advice op but you can’t necessarily save him. It’s not on you. I think you should think about least regret scenarios - eg I think you’d probably feel better calling 999 every time you think he’s serious than not calling because he wouldn’t like it and something happening?
But it sounds like no matter what you need to consider what your life single looks like. As you said, you’re not making each other happy. Maybe you could be happy, just not with him.
I know it’s much harder than that... hugs.

Cjrhg · 05/11/2018 07:00

Managed about 3 hours sleep in the end. Thankfully I'm not working today.

It's hard to feel anything other than it is my fault when he says stuff like if it wasn't for me he would have killed himself already, our relationship was the only thing keeping him alive.

OP posts:
PixieCutRegret · 05/11/2018 07:09

None of this is your fault OP. You have tried your best to help him but you can't force him to accept help. Your mental health is just as important as his is, you don't have to stay in this relationship if you don't to, and actually some of the things he is saying to you amount to emotional abuse in my book.

Flowers for you OP, such a tough situation, but sometimes you have to put yourself first.

SandyY2K · 05/11/2018 07:10

Can you contact his family members? You can't deal with this on your own...or call the Samaritans for support.

HappyHedgehog247 · 05/11/2018 07:17

At the end of the day, each of us is responsible for our own mental health. Threatening and attempting suicide are forms of abuse in a relationship. You can’t stay with someone just because they threaten suicide if you leave. What you can do, if you want to leave, is do everything to set him up safely. This may include things neither of you would ideally want such as notifying GP and police. If he is not registered you could speak to your own GP. Or contact the crisis team for advice.

Cjrhg · 05/11/2018 07:18

I think our relationship is over anyway he made that clear.

There's only his parents I cpuld contact, they're elderly and have been through a lot. I don't know how they would cope with this.

OP posts:
Nyon · 05/11/2018 07:21

It's hard to feel anything other than it is my fault when he says stuff like if it wasn't for me he would have killed himself already, our relationship was the only thing keeping him alive.

And this unfortunately is him, consciously or not, placing the entire responsibility of keeping him alive on you. The best piece of advice I remember being given when my DP was severely depressed was that I am not responsible for his actions and I cannot save him from his destructive behaviour. And nor can you. It sounds like a break from each other is needed, and you need to focus on improving your own mental health. You can’t fix him CJR but you can fix yourself. Step back - I know (believe me, I really fucking do) how hard that is but you need to for your own sanity.

PersonaNonGarter · 05/11/2018 07:22

OP, I am not a dr or MH specialist but it appears your DH needs counselling. He/You really should be looking to find the money to get him some privately and quickly. He needs to have structured therapy starting soon and with at least six sessions booked in. It should be an urgent priority.

He can see how it goes- it sounds as though he will need more but he can review that. He has come this far with his life. He can hang on another few weeks to give this a go.

PeridotCricket · 05/11/2018 07:27

You can’t control his actions. And you aren’t the cause of this.

When my dh was severely depressed the only reason I didn’t leave him was because he actively sought help. He took the medication, took exercise, forced himself out of the house once a week. Without the medication he wouldn’t be better.

I took advice, from friends, GP and my own works counselling service. That was consistent that I had to take care of myself and that while I could support him in seeking help , I couldn’t fix him.

I couldn’t and wouldn’t hav3 stayed with him if he hadn’t taken the medication.

The best advice from a counsellor was to imagine myself wrapped in a giant foam costume so the words were defected by that.

The best advice I got on here, that others may disagree with, was that being depressed doesn’t give you the right to be a dick.

Cjrhg · 05/11/2018 07:30

I've tried to suggest counselling but he says he tried it before and it didn't help so what's the point? I can't get beyond that.

I wish I could speak to him today and he'd tell me he was feeling loads better, had realised how much he has to live for but I know that won't happen, he will still feel he has nothing.

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 05/11/2018 07:32

He’s being controlling and manipulative, regardless of whether he’s unwell or not. This is not your fault in any way.

RedSquirrelMoonlight · 05/11/2018 07:32

I'm so sorry to hear about this, I've been thru it with my husband too and we are at the stage where it's ending our relationship. Can you get counselling? And visit the GP to let them know you are dealing with them.

One key idea that resonated for me was that there was a difference between caring for someone and caring about them.

You aren't responsible for him.

Wolfiefan · 05/11/2018 07:34

He needs to register with a GP and actively seek help for his poor mental health. You can’t heal him and it’s unfair of him to put this on you.

wewillrememberthem · 05/11/2018 07:41

You can't control it
You didn't cause it
You can't cure it

Hold on to the three C's

He needs to see GP urgently. If he doesn't then you have to walk away and exercise tough love which I know from personal experience is very hard to do, but you need to save yourself.

Spamfrittersforeveryone · 05/11/2018 07:42

He doesn’t want to get better, he wants to control you.

If he wanted to get better, he would be registered with a GP, on meds and seeking proper help.

He isn’t doing any of that.
He doesn’t love you, he’s just scared to let you go.

I’m really sorry Flowers

Annandale · 05/11/2018 07:44

My dh did end his life after many years' illness. It wasn't me or our relationship that kept him alive, and it wasn't me that killed him.

Please seek help for yourself. See your GP and get assessed for your own mental health, these sorts of threats and abusive behaviour are traumatising. If he calls you you aren't obliged to take the call; he is using you and he may be too ill to take responsibility for that but it doesn't change the effect on you. If you speak, you know where he is and he says he's going to kill himself, inform him you are going to ring 999 and do so. (Bear in mind nothing may happen - i called 999 and they wouldn't respond - again, not your responsibility). You sound as if your life has been completely overwhelmed by him and you will probably need help to release yourself. See your gp asap.

PersonaNonGarter · 05/11/2018 07:45

He needs to try counselling again. And you need to be a lot angrier.

Branleuse · 05/11/2018 07:48

Oh god this was like my first boyfriend. Always trying to killl himself dramatically and failing. Hes got you on the end of his string now.
I dumped mine in the end after coming home one day at 19 to find hed cut his throat again, and all my love just evaporated and i felt furious.

None of this is yours to fix. You cant even help, let alone fix. You need to protect yourself

Holidayshopping · 05/11/2018 07:50

He is being very manipulative-if he won’t see the GP, then he is not helping himself. That is not your fault.

GinisLife · 05/11/2018 08:04

It's all very well him not wanting to take medication but surely if he was that concerned to try to get well he'd try anything. Selfish behaviour

LemonTT · 05/11/2018 08:20

@PeridotCricket puts it best. If your ex has a mental health illness he needs to see his GP and then accept the diagnosis and treatment. I think you can give somebody a bit of time on this issue but ultimately they have to face up to it being a medical condition that needs intervention by the medical profession. He is at that point if he is suicidal.

As you have split up or on the cusp of splitting, just give him this advice as a friend. If you are willing, offer to support him but only on the condition that he sees the GP and is open with you. You need to be alert to him minimising to the GP and lying to you about this. To be frank if he tells a GP he is suicidal most of the time he is going to be strongly advised to take medication. Perhaps even hospitalised.

It may well be that his has behavioural issues and this is a form of control. Impossible for us to say but the above advice would be the same. Except you should distance yourself from him.

In the meantime get some help for yourself and look into local groups who support people who have dealt with MH issues.

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