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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP thinking of killing himself

74 replies

Cjrhg · 05/11/2018 00:06

My partner of several years has had daily suicidal thoughts for as long as he can remember. Most days he has a less than 50% intention but some days much more. This was one of the worse weeks. We had a row today which ended with us saying we were both unhappy. I said I wasn't sure what the point was in continuing as we were making each other miserable. He left, and later text me to say he was going to kill himself.

I was hysterical and managed eventually to get hold of him on the phone. He's agreed not to do it tonight. But he says he doesn't see any point or reason not to. He hates his life, he's lonely isolated and unhappy. 2 of his closest friends killed themselves in their teens; he has never really got over this. He's also had several other traumatic events more recently. He can't think of anything to look forward to or how his life will ever get any better.

I don't know what to do. His parents are elderly so I can't tell them. There is no one else. He has had counselling and psych support from the crisis team but it hasn't helped. He refuses medication. I feel like the clock is ticking and I just don't know what to do or where to turn.

OP posts:
Kennycalmit · 05/11/2018 08:21

Regardless of his mental health he’s being manipulative, emotionally abusive and controlling. And that’s coming from someone who works with people almost daily with mental health problems.

Of course there are exceptions but I’m my experience, people who kill themselves don’t tell their partner/whoever that they’re going to do it. that is why he’s being manipulative. The fact he did it after a row to almost punish you is cruel - and that is exactly why he said it.

I don’t doubt he’s got mental health problems. He quite clearly has. But to threaten suicide when you have a row is damn right cruel to you and an insult to those who do feel suicidal and kill them selves

Can you live like this? Walking on egg shells not knowing whether he’s gunna threaten to end his life whenever you put a foot wrong?
I would tell him he either gets help or it’s over.

If he ever did anything please know it’s never your fault. You are not responsible for his suicidal thoughts. But please OP, if you value your own mental health you need to make some changes to this relationship. Yes he may suffer with his mental health but that’s never excuse to be a manipulative partner.

BakedBeans47 · 05/11/2018 08:23

He’s being controlling and manipulative, regardless of whether he’s unwell or not. This is not your fault in any way.

This completely. Ill or not, he’s abusive.

I’d leave. I’d bet a pound to a penny he wouldn’t really kill himself. It’s all talk to try and keep you in your place.

LemonTT · 05/11/2018 08:28

Just a point on the recommendations for counselling. This is a great treatment but he needs a diagnosis. So he needs to see a doctor. First port of call is a GP who may be able to do this. If not he will be referred to a psychiatrist. The treatment plan, (medication, therapies or self care) will stem from this.

If he isn’t going to do this, then he doesn’t want help and there is nothing the OP can do.

JeSuisPrest · 05/11/2018 08:30

Be very wary of sacrificing your life to save his. He will do it or he won't,
regardless of you. Flowers

Onlylivetwice · 05/11/2018 08:45

Cj - I lived through this with my STBX. I feel for you. I used to come home from work expecting to find him hanging from the stairs as this is what he told me he would do to end it all. It was a long road to getting him to accept help, but I used to gently put the responsibility back onto him and ask him what he was going to do to help himself. One day, after a particularly scary evening when he disappeared, about a year ago, I told him very calmly that I could no longer stand by and watch him do this to himself and our son. I insisted he go to the GP (again) and that I would go with him. I booked the appointment and we went along. The GP was fantastic. He listened and prescribed him ADs and advised private counselling would be better than waiting for NHS. It was a start. We were also going through the break up of our marriage so it was incredibly difficult for all of us, my son included. We are still in the throes is the separation and house sale but he is in a much better place to where he was this time last year.
You can help him by signing him up to the GP and going along. I also insisted he told his elderly parents as this made my STBX realise the gravity of what he was thinking of doing and made it real. I think they helped him in a very basic practical way way more than he realises.
Ultimately you can’t shoulder this on your own, you are too close to it and he needs professional help and you deserve the life you had planned out for yourself. Good luck

HazelBite · 05/11/2018 09:02

Op my BIL did everything for his Mother, he bought her a house, decorated it for her, drove hundreds of miles every weekend with wife and new baby to see her, spoke to her on the phone twice a day, he was a very devoted son. She decided she wanted to move to be near him , all which he arranged etc.
She wanted his attebtion 24/7 and kept threatening suicide if he didn't comply. One night she rang at 2am, he said he would be around at 8 am to see her but overslept as they had a broken night with the baby.
When he arrived at 10am he found her unconcious, she never recovered as she was too far gone, had he arrived at 8am she would have recovered after having her stomach pumped.
BIL suffered greatly for years from guilt that he hadn't heeded her threats.
Counselling helped him to realise she had her own agenda, esentially a selfish one.
OP, you cannot feel any obligation or guilt for this, he has his own agenda, his own free will, whatever he decides to do is up to him however tragic the outcome could be.
You can't force anyone to seek treatment, you can only advise.
For your own sanity, talk this through with someone who can help you put some perspective on this.
He is not your responsibility, you have done your best, there is nothing further you can do other than look after yourself Flowers

SlipperyNettle · 05/11/2018 09:06

As difficult as this is, it’s his decision.

Next time he says this you can ring the samaritans yourself on 116123 and give them his number and they’ll call him, and he can choose whether to talk to them or not. It’s really not in your control whether he kills himself or not. It’s in nobody’s control. But at least you’ll feel more confident and calm you’ve done what you can if you put professionals in touch with him.

Cjrhg · 05/11/2018 09:08

Thank you all for your comments. You talk an awful lot of sense.

I honestly thought he would do it last night. I think he will eventually, whatever I do. He is very damaged (lots of horrible childhood issues, abuse and so on which he has only ever dealt with by addictions and risk taking behaviours). I knew none of this when we met. I thought he was utterly perfect.

He told me yesterday he is jealous of me. He couldn't articulate why but I think maybe it's that I have (to him) a nice easy life. I own my own home, car, have a good job, grown up DC, I had a lovely childhood, I've been to uni, travelled, I have friends. I've felt really unhappy and despairing many times but I've never felt suicide was the answer. I guess that makes me lucky.

He doesn't have any of that, he does have DC but has no contact and possibly might never do. He has me and his parents and that's it.

I will not live my life on tenterhooks. I would like to make sure he is ok, but I don't think we can go back to a relationship. I have truly loved him and I feel he's smashed that love into a thousand pieces.

OP posts:
DeadCertain · 05/11/2018 09:20

He is being controlling and manipulative as others say. My DH has stood by me through severe depression - but I do not articulate my suicidal thoughts etc to him even if some days I do feel that he (and my dog) are all I have to live for. It is not fair to place that burden onto anyone and transfer responsibility for my wellbeing and plunge them into a world of worry. I have been fairly unwell in the past but retain enough insight to know what is selfish and manipulative behaviour.

I went to my GP even though I find it incredibly difficult to talk to anyone and accepted psychiatric and psychological referrals. I was reluctant to but engaged fully with all services offered in order to demonstrate to my DH that I was actively addressing my issues. Currently I am having an extremely tough time as I don't do too well with fireworks but have again managed not to articulate the severity of what I experience and DH has only been at home for a night in the last week or so and is once again away so he hasn't had to witness my distress either - I prefer it this way as I don't want to become a source of burden and worry for him.

OP you are quite right to not want to live your life on tenterhooks - you cannot exist in a permanent state of worry that your partner will harm himself. I would say that if he would seek and engage with help and actively work on a treatment plan then perhaps I would be more inclined to remain in a relationship - but he must take personal responsibility for his own safety.

Storm4star · 05/11/2018 10:02

As other's have said, he is not taking any responsibility for his own well being. I have had daily suicidal thoughts for many years. I would never have acted on them because of my DCs but I can remember clearly on numerous occasions being in floods of tears just wishing I could die. Medication has changed my life. Of course I still have ups and downs but I never feel suicidal now. My life is thousand times better even though on the surface nothing has really changed. As hard as it is, you need to step back. There are options for him in terms of feeling better but if he won't even give them a try, that's on him. You have to protect your own mental health and well being. It isn't easy but the only person who can "save" him is himself. He has the power and the choice to do so or not. It is not your responsibility.

Cjrhg · 05/11/2018 10:39

He's not upset. He is resigned to his life never improving or getting better. I feel quite angry with him and I don't like that he is making me feel that way.

OP posts:
Minionmomma · 05/11/2018 11:20

Right now is not yet I’d to be talking about blame and manipulation. He needs an urgent mental health act (MHA) assessment. He is high risk for suicide. This is initiated via the GP.

How did the crisis team engage last time with no GP? I don’t understand... crisis team usually engage following involvement from Health/MHA assessment...

Minionmomma · 05/11/2018 11:21

Sorry stupid predictive text. Now is not the time for talking about blame and manipulation.

Cjrhg · 05/11/2018 11:34

Crisis team were engaged by another agency after he told them he wanted to kill himself. He went to several sessions with them (I took him there myself).

OP posts:
Minionmomma · 05/11/2018 12:02

Which agency? Personally I would go back to this agency and explain the situ and that you have serious concerns he’s planning to end his life now. Let the professionals do the assessment of his mental health. You don’t want to take any chances. That is all you can do xx good luck xx

Penguinsetpandas · 05/11/2018 12:13

I would call the police when he's suicidal and also call his doctors and explain the situation but at the end of the day he's and adult who is responsible for himself. I do think he needs urgent help though. Does he have any siblings you could contact?

noego · 05/11/2018 12:16

Get him sectioned.

Eatmycheese · 05/11/2018 12:22

I feel so sorry for you. This is horrendous.
I would feel stumped and exhausted by this too and who would blame you for the resentment creeping in, after all you have tried.

If he won't participate in allowing you to discharge what he has picked up on as your caring feeling morally obligated and babysitter role then you do have to walk away. You can't keep a vigil you have your own life and he is ruining it.

Hope that something can be done today. I would also ring the police they may expedite something with emergency services though I'm no expert.

💐☕️ for you. He is lucky to have you in his life, even if he chooses not to see this.

Annandale · 05/11/2018 15:09

You can't get him sectioned, you need a doctor's assessment for that. Two doctors/one doctor and one approved social worker? Can't remember.

I really think you need to walk away and look after your own mental health. If that's not possible, broken record repeating 'you sound very ill and you need to sign up with a GP' 'that sounds like depression talking, you need to sign up with a GP' could help.

Cjrhg · 05/11/2018 16:44

I think the immediate danger has passed thankfully.

I feel so angry at him, and myself for being stupid. I thought that after sobbing down the phone him for an hour last night when he wouldn't tell me where he was, begging him not to kill himself, that might get through somehow...that he might understand from that I love him. Despite his feelings of being unwanted, unloved, that I find him repulsive (I have never done anything to make him think this) I thought it might convince him.

I at least thought he might come round to say sorry, bŕing me some flowers as an apology..ha! Apparently no he's too ashamed of how he behaved to even speak to me or bother trying to rescue our relationship.

OP posts:
Cjrhg · 05/11/2018 16:44

Oh and he still won't seek any help of course.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/11/2018 16:52

Oh and he still won't seek any help of course.

Oh OP, I really feel for you but if he's not willing to help himself, there is nothing more you can do.

Time to draw a line in the sand and leave him to it. He is responsible for himself and if he won't consider counselling, won't speak to his crisis team and won't even register with a GP there's pretty much bugger all you can do. Flowers

SlipperyNettle · 05/11/2018 17:26

I feel so angry at him, and myself for being stupid. I thought that after sobbing down the phone him for an hour last night when he wouldn't tell me where he was, begging him not to kill himself, that might get through somehow...that he might understand from that I love him.

He’s getting something from this remember, OP.

Also wtf noego? What makes you think OP can ‘get him sectioned’!?

Cjrhg · 05/11/2018 17:29

I give up with it. I can't go on tying myself in knots.

Our relationship issues according to him are because he is the only one who cares enough to ever instigate a discussion of any problems (which are usually me at fault of course).

OP posts:
Laureline · 05/11/2018 17:36

OP - you have to protect yourself. He sounds manipulative, and you sound exhausted.
Making you cry and beg on the phone for an hour? What a wanker.

You cannot be made responsible for his actions - and he is actively refusing to get help, while putting you through the wringer. This no way to live your life, and he does not truly love you if he is doing what you describe (making you pander to his needs, making you deeply unhappy, blackmailing you with threats of suicide). Do you see yourself doing this for the next 2/5/10 years?

Imagine how much nicer and calmer your life would be without having him in the picture!

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