DP thinking of killing himself

[Cjrhg]

My partner of several years has had daily suicidal thoughts for as long as he can remember. Most days he has a less than 50% intention but some days much more. This was one of the worse weeks. We had a row today which ended with us saying we were both unhappy. I said I wasn't sure what the point was in continuing as we were making each other miserable. He left, and later text me to say he was going to kill himself.

I was hysterical and managed eventually to get hold of him on the phone. He's agreed not to do it tonight. But he says he doesn't see any point or reason not to. He hates his life, he's lonely isolated and unhappy. 2 of his closest friends killed themselves in their teens; he has never really got over this. He's also had several other traumatic events more recently. He can't think of anything to look forward to or how his life will ever get any better.

I don't know what to do. His parents are elderly so I can't tell them. There is no one else. He has had counselling and psych support from the crisis team but it hasn't helped. He refuses medication. I feel like the clock is ticking and I just don't know what to do or where to turn.

He cares enough to start an argument? But not to seek help for mental health issues?

Speaking from very personal experience with having bad depression, it is at its heart a selfish illness. Its extremely difficult to see beyond yourself to anyone else and how THEY might be feeling because your whole life is consumed with how YOU feel and how many things are wrong and how everyone hates you and on and on. It breeds and encourages a kind of weaponised helplessness. It's like when you are trying to get a toddler to stand and they just keep going floppy, because they CAN'T, they need YOU to help, but you'll never be able to help as much as he wants because you cant stand for him. He has to decide to stand for himself, to at least try.
He can make a GP's appointment, he can get things started, he just doesn't want to. It's ok for you to help him but he HAS to want to, he can't just hold you hostage the rest of your life with threats of suicide simply to get the validation of hearing you sob in panic for an hour just to feel like someone cares. It's time for the toddler to grow up.

Do you know why he's no contact with kids? Just wondering if there's any domestic violence history.

I would just call police if he threatens suicide again.

I know why he doesn't see DC and it's not for DV reasons.

I just can't even engage with him any more. His last message was how he wants us to be together but it's always him doing all the work, raising issues etc. There is no right answer I can give. Whatever I say will be wrong. And if I even say that I'm just making it all about me (ha!)

He doesn't accept he is selfish at all.

God I couldn't do this, I feel exhausted and drained for you reading this.
But I suppose if you love someone you don't look at things in the way an outsider does.

Have you told him that if he doesn't see help you need to retreat for your on sanity's sake? You need to and you need to stick to it otherwise you will just be going round in circles.

Hi my mum and dad were splitting up and my dad was alone with me and my brother i was 8 and he was 6 he tryed to kill himself was such a scary time, he ended up being ok and now 31 years later he is fine.
He needs to go see a doctor for help i know he doesnt want to go but i think he need to go to a stay in place for people who have these thoughts. I know this will be a stressful time for you, do you think he would do something?x

Dump and move on: this man is a manipulative, abusive whinyarse. He's not willing to do anything to help himself, and prefers to blame and bully you. There are plenty of other men out there: no need to waste your life running around trying to placate this one.

The bottom line is he won't see anyone. He refuses to take anti depressants. He thinks counselling etc is pointless. He can't accept that wanting every day to kill yourself is a sign you need treatment.

I have said that I can't see how we can continue if he won't get help. He said being in a happy relationship is the only thing. That I was the only thing that stopped him.

I can't make him see that he needs help. I don't get why he won't. He also doesn't get why what he did to me yesterday was so bad...He's like well don't you think I was upset?

I just can't see how we get past this if he won't get any help. He says there is nothing on the NHS, he can't afford private. I am worn out.

He is using this to manipulate and control you. You are not responsible for his mental health and well-being. You can’t be. If being in a good relationship cured depression then I wouldn’t be on sodding Prozac.
It is possible for things to improve. But only if he gets a grip, seeks help, takes professional advice and engages with those who can help.
Otherwise? He needs to sod off and stop dragging you down with him.
You can’t change him. You can’t make him see the wisdom of what you say. You can only control your response.

He is one person. You are another person. You don’t have to supplicate yourself and sacrifice all your needs to this other person. He is not your child. Just stop. There’s nothing more for you to get from each other except misery on your side and a sense of bitter control on his.

you sound lovely OP. Stop wasting your life and your time on this guy. He doesn’t deserve you.

Please be more angry. He is very selfish. Why can’t he afford private? Sell something. He’s not going to need his stuff if he dies anyway.

A faMily member committed suicide. I feel that if their life is so unhappy that they feel forced to do this you have to accept this. I was gutted at the time and must confess angry partly because of what others might say or think. Now I think if it's what you must do it's what you must do. We all die eventually.what right have you to force your wishes on him. Obviously you try to change their desire. But it's his right. Step back.

As things stand our relationship is over. He won't seek any help because he's tried before and it made no difference. I said I can't stay unless he tries again. He won't. So that's that.

He won’t seek help because he doesn’t want it. He’d prefer things as they are now over a potential future where he gets help and things improve. I hope that’s sinking in. I’m glad the relationship is over. Telling someone the relationship is the only thing worth living for is grossly manipulative.

He sounds very personality disordered. I'd really advise you to leave him for your own sanity.

He doesn't want to get help because that would mean him taking responsibility for himself. At the moment he's made you responsible for him as that suits him better. He is lazy and emotionally manipulative and regardless of whether he is going to go through with it or not you can't live like this.

I hope for your sake the relationship really is over, not just the way it stands at the moment.

I feel pretty devastated if I'm honest. I thought we'd be together for the rest of our lives. But if he valued our relationship then surely he'd do anything to save it?

But if he valued our relationship then surely he'd do anything to save it?

Yes he fucking should. But he won't.

@Cjrhg I think there are two separate issues here.

One is his mental health, which he refuses to do anything about.

The second is his treatment of you. Pushing all this responsibility onto you. Making it your fault. Saying the only thing that can save him is a happy relationship? Totally totally unfair and manipulative. As someone said above, he is a selfish wanker. I understand that you're upset and exhausted. I really think you've done all you can for him (above and beyond the call of duty). Cut yourself free, please.

It's quite likely that this fucker doesn't actually have any MH issues at all and the reason the medical profession 'can't help' is because the last medic he saw told him to fuck off and grow up. It's not uncommon for abusive, woman-hating men to self-diagnose with MH issues purely in order to have everyone running round after them and indulging them in every way.
Does he have a history of feeble attempts, by any chance (taking five junior aspirins, waving a knife about and making a little scratch or two on his arm?) Does he have an 'episode' every time you won't suck his dick or give in to some random impossible request from him?
Men like this never actually kill themselves and get out of your hair, it's just a manipulation tactic. Walk away, cut all contact. It sounds like he'dbe no great lost to the gene pool if he did follow through.

I dumped mine in the end after coming home one day at 19 to find hed cut his throat again, and all my love just evaporated and i felt furious.

Wow, no sympathy from you then.

Cj it's ridiculous of him to say your 'happy relationship ' was the only thing keeping him alive. For a start it doesn't sound at all happy from your point of view, with him keeping you on edge (in line????) with constant suicide talk. And secondly, if you are mentally healthy you can stay alive even when your partner doesn't do what you want, or even if she leaves you. So by definition he either has a problem that needs treating, or he is exaggerating/lying. And if it's the latter, frankly it's hard to think of anything crueller (to you). Having had a very small taste of this kind of manipulation years ago, I am incensed on your behalf.

I completely understand that getting the right treatment isn't always easy or simple, that it has to be the right counsellor, the right type of medication, the right course of treatment for it to actually make stuff better. If I had tried, and failed, to get help (as he has in the past) I can understand feeling frustrated. But I wouldn't want to go through life thinking about suicide every day, I would want to keep trying to do something, anything, to stop that.

And if my partner had to beg me not to end my life, and then asked me to seek help because they couldn't go through that again (and without getting help whats to stop that happening time and again?) I would do it.

I didnt, I dont, want our relationship to end. But I can't have another evening like we did on Sunday. He shouldn't have put me through that, but now he has, if he loves me he would do whatever he could to make it right. And I have given him that chance, I've told him all he needs to do, and he won't. He has never threatened suicide before although I have known about his constant suicidal thoughts since before the crisis team were involved (but he told me it had been many years since he came close to acting on them).

Just wanted to add that I do know how you feel.

In my case it was my dad, when I was 17 I begged him to leave our house as my parents marriage was at crisis point and my life was intolerable. My dad refused to leave or change, and timed an overdose for when I came home from college alone. He, too, had me begging and pleading with him while he continued to take the pills in front of me. It was very traumatic and he ran off to the local park to continue and he was eventually sectioned, I dealt with the emergency services alone.

I understand now that having me witness the overdose installed a button in me, which he then continued to 'press' whenever it suited him.

If he wanted me to do something, or not do something (or just to spoil or disrupt something important), he would start with the suicide threats and I'd comply straight away (I understand now that I had undiagnosed PTSD).

I have had to go NC this year because my children were starting to become programmed this way too, and that was the last straw. For years they have seen my dad say Jump! and me say, How high?

Earlier this year, he threatened suicide in front of my 11 year old as a means to coerce me into doing something for him and it was then that I'd had enough.

Sounds awful but I'm glad your DP doesn't have a relationship with his DC as he would do this to them too, and it really would ruin their lives.

Also, is there any other suicide history in his family? I only ask because I had a hunch that my paternal GF may have died from suicide (only because his cause of death was always kept secret by my dad and his siblings). A few weeks ago I went on FreeBMD (births marriages and deaths) and did some family research, then I sent off for my GF's death certificate. Sure enough, he died from acute barbiturate overdose.

I can't help feeling that my dad saw the devastation that his father's suicide caused the family and so he decided in turn to inflict that on me, his only daughter, at 17 years old by making me witness his. It was an obvious tool for him to reach for. He is a very unwell person but I have had to end the cycle.

Best wishes to you, please detach from him and do not feel guilt.