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Original poster

Can you cheat on someone you love?

85 replies

twinsrunmylife · 04/11/2018 18:45

Recently found out my partner is cheating on me. I honestly had no idea and really believed him when he said he loved me. My sister and friends say I need to completely cut him out my life. I've always been under the impression you couldn't cheat if you love someone but it felt so real with him so I'm beginning to question those thoughts. Do any of you have any experience of this? Do you think it's possible to cheat and still be in love with the person you're cheating on?

OP posts:
Bowchicawowow · 05/11/2018 07:06

A PP has recommended reading the works of Esther Perel. Here is one of her TED talks which I think you should watch. There are lots of interesting things she says but one of them is that ‘staying is the new shame.’ That resonated with me because in every single Relationship thread so many people will shout at the OP to LTB. In some cases that’s good advice, but it doesn’t apply to every situation. Any poster who doesn’t chuck the DH out permanently in the first hour of finding out there has been infidelity is given a very hard time. Anyway, the talk is very good and it is very much well worth a watch.

www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved/up-next?language=en

Sethis · 05/11/2018 07:12

Don't forget:

Him saying he loves you doesn't mean he loves you.

You loving him doesn't mean he loves you.

Only way you know if someone loves you is by their actions.

dontdoubtyourself · 05/11/2018 07:24

@Virtuallyconfused so you wouldn't mind if your husband was shagging someone who made him feel more alive behind your back then?

allthatmalarkey · 05/11/2018 07:30

Yes, seen people do it, but only once for both men, and they both confessed rather than got found out. One was filled with shame, self-disgust afterwards (and probably during, he himself couldn't understand why he said yes but he was very, very drunk) and with the other it led to a much more honest conversation in the marriage which twenty years on is one of the strongest I know.

allthatmalarkey · 05/11/2018 07:34

Sorry, forgot, one of my female friends shagged someone on holiday as a one off despite living with someone else for years. She also had a couple of near flings with colleagues. This was in her twenties. They've since got married and have two kids, probably been together for nearly thirty years. Maybe they got together too young. I don't in any way doubt she loves her husband, but when she was younger she was certainly able to do things that would have hurt him if he'd known.

allthatmalarkey · 05/11/2018 07:35

Again, she told me about the shag because she couldn't understand why she'd done it. People are weird!

penisbeakers · 05/11/2018 07:47

Waitwhat?

Don't be so naive. Of course you can. People cheat on folks all the time even if they love them. It's nowt to do with love, it's all about being a selfish dickhead.

mumto2babyboys · 05/11/2018 08:19

@Sethis

100% agree

Talk is cheap and promises are easy to break then beg forgiveness
Judge someone on their actions. If they can hurt you that much that is destroys everything you built together, they don't love you

Not really, what they love is f..king someone else. Not you unfortunately

merville · 05/11/2018 09:13

I love my DH. My AP loves his DW.

But... sometimes you need more.

Ah, but are your husband and his wife allowed 'more' as well?
And if not, why not??

That encapsules the issue with cheating, how can you love someone if you're ok with them being deceived and having 'less' than you.

merville · 05/11/2018 09:15

Tell them you no longer want a monogamous relationship and you're both allowed affairs, then I'll believe you actually see them as your equal and love them.

merville · 05/11/2018 09:18

(or let them go over they don't want that too).

SlipperyNettle · 05/11/2018 09:40

No, you can’t.

That’s part of the shock of finding out you’ve been cheated on: that the person you love and believed loved you doesn’t love you and doesn’t respect you.

Branleuse · 05/11/2018 09:47

yes I think you can. A lot of people are not naturally monogamous. Im sure they still feel love.
I remember talking to a friend who was naturally quie promiscuous when she cheated on another partner, and I said "dont you feel guilty" and she said "sort of, but only in the same sort of way id feel guilty if i ate a chocolate bar while on a diet" It didnt seem to be relevent to how she felt about the other person at all.
I imagine a lot of it is down to the values modelled to you when growing up, but i definitely dont think that monogamy = love and love = monogamy for everyone

Trinity66 · 05/11/2018 10:03

Definitely not if it was an affair, that involves actually lying to your OHs face multiple times along with the cheating

FinallyHere · 05/11/2018 10:41

Do you think it's possible to cheat and still be in love with the person you're cheating on? Do you think it's possible to cheat and still be in love with the person you're cheating on?

Who cares whether they claim to love you, Its not worth much, if they don't respect you or care for you enough to be honest and decent to you,

I would be very concerned if you are thinking anything other than, thats it. You are absolutely not being unreasonable to cut him off. He has forfeit his right to a life with you,

TheStoic · 05/11/2018 10:45

Only cheats and people who have decided to reconcile with a cheat say that’s it’s possible.

oliviagrace1 · 05/11/2018 10:53

i know loads of men who are either married or in a relationship they need something more but dont really want to loose what they have so if there is a women for them that is alright with this arrangement then they do carry on cheating as long as the wife or partner doesnt know............my husband years ago he got a telephone bill that showed i was talking to the same man alot he sent a copy to his wife ...they still together he divorced me and i had to raise 3 kids alone i lost my job went on income support lost my home that i was buying because i couldnt afford it on my own and hes ok at home still with the wife and his life remained ok ...so no its not worth it...

JemmimaJ · 05/11/2018 11:04

Depends on why he did it. He may be unhappy in the relationship and had an affair as a way of exiting the relationship. Blowing it up. He may have felt so attracted to the OW that he felt in love with her and not you. He may want to apologise but want to still leave and be with her. He could have cheated because he felt unhappy but has now realised that he made a mistake and wants to be with you. OR He may have just cheated because he could and does still love you but that would mean he will likely do it again. It's for thrills. Lots of reasons but ultimately it's down to you how to move forward. I would want to listen to what he has to say first. See if he is sorry and wants to repair things or if he is sorry you found out but wants to be with her. You need to know.

Holdingonbarely · 05/11/2018 12:39

Only cheats and people who have decided to reconcile with a cheat say that’s it’s possible

This with bells on

There is a massive difference between cheating and sleeping with someone else. If you’ve had a conversation and you have decided that you don’t see sex in a conventional way, then go for your life.

penisbeakers · 05/11/2018 16:27

@TheStoic

Bollocks.

Screaminginsidemeagain · 05/11/2018 16:32

If you don’t have kids leave him.
Seriously

My h had an affair and it’s just the worst thing to recover from.
If you don’t have responsibilities to anyone but yourself them don’t put yourself through it!

thebear1 · 05/11/2018 16:50

Even if he loves you, you can't trust him. People who have affairs may still love their partner but it is not the sort of love I would want.

Holdingonbarely · 05/11/2018 16:59

@penisbeakers
You can tell you’re one of the two then!

richdeniro · 05/11/2018 17:08

I was emotionally cheated on by someone who told me that I meant the world to her and that she loved me. She eventually left me for the person she was emotionally cheating with and justified it by saying she wasn't sleeping with them, I think she left me because she wanted to take it further and make it physical.

It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced and I hope I never have to go through anything like that again. In some ways I would have preferred it if she'd had a one night stand but the lying and betrayal hurt more than anything. She knew that I knew what was going on but minimised it all and showed no empathy whatsoever.

I now know she didn't love me or feel anything for me whatsoever because that is not what love is. You can't love someone if you are treating them in that way and are capable of putting them through that much emotional pain.

candlemaker4 · 05/11/2018 17:18

my first husband cheated on me throughout our marriage. We met at uni at 19, bought our first house at 23, had a stillborn at 25, struggled to conceive and had "help" at 27, had our son at 29 followed by our second son at 33. He worked in the legal field so he travelled a lot for work and his days were from 7am-9pm generally, but we had a loving, well-off life together. At 35 I found out he had been sleeping with other women since we were 21. Some constants, others different. His secretary, our friends. Finding out he was with women the night before our wedding and the day i had our stillborn daughter were particular low points. He told me he had a sex addiction, that they didnt mean anything, that he loved me and they were just sex, that it was the stress of his/our life. He then tried to blame me and said it was because I didnt want sex enough and didnt show him enough attention. I was a gold digger who didnt care how much he worked as long as I had the right handbag Hmm. I kicked him out and he still has a relationship with our 2 DC (who know nothing of his affairs).

I remarried this year and last year he married a friend of ours from uni. I hear he is still sleeping around.

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