Can you cheat on someone you love?

[twinsrunmylife]

Recently found out my partner is cheating on me. I honestly had no idea and really believed him when he said he loved me. My sister and friends say I need to completely cut him out my life. I've always been under the impression you couldn't cheat if you love someone but it felt so real with him so I'm beginning to question those thoughts. Do any of you have any experience of this? Do you think it's possible to cheat and still be in love with the person you're cheating on?

A drunken one night stand could be forgiven ,an affair shows a deliberate choice ,involves deceit and lying -you can't love someone if your prepared to that to them

Even if he did mean it when he said he loved you it doesn’t count for much when he’ll cheat, does it? Who needs his definition of ‘love’ if it includes hurting and betraying you?

You don’t have to accept his crumbs of affection. You deserve someone who will be honest and faithful to you.

Personally I don’t think you can cheat if you really love someone. Maybe you could tell yourself you love them but, if you truly love a person then hurting them through choice is something you would never do. I think people who cheat are selfish by nature though so maybe the only love they can give is a love that does not include respect?

My ex still insists he loves me - bloody fool! What he means is “I know you love me and fuck I realise I need that love and you in my life”. Shame I don’t need or want his trype of love in my life 😉

He's gone to stay at his dads for a few nights.

I could never cheat on him because I love him. I've never considered that other people love different but I know love is subjective. We were ttc which is making this whole thing worse and I just feel so alone.

I do love him but I don't see how I would be able to move past this, he's literally broken me

It’s complex obviously, but there’s no lack of love for her husband. Actually it’s more like a lack of love for herself.

Not really. It's that getting hee self esteem boost is more important than her husband. If she loved him, she would let know. She would give him the choice of staying or leaving and finding someone else who wont shag around. If he is happy with her shagging around he will stay.

Your friend doesn't he because she knows he will leave. She knows he won't accept it. So she is forcing it on him anyway.

To me, that's not love. And honestly I don't think love and monogamy have to go hand in hand. I know people in open relationships that love eachother dearly. But they respect eachother and don't lie, don't hide things and don't change the goal posts without letting the other person know.

No you can’t.
You can love your life. Your security, your day to day, your mutual friends, you relationship with your kids, your place in your work and community,.
But no deep down you don’t love the person.

You might easily say that love was lost and now you’ve found it again, but I don’t know anyone who’s done that who doesn’t have:

Mortgage
Kids
Family life

If you think the person would have left you if you didn’t have the above then you’re on a hiding to knowhere

In my personal opinion

Was it a relationship or a ONS, OP?

He's a bastard to do either when you are trying to get pregnant. I couldn't forgive that.

Watch some Esthel Perell podcasts, or read her book The State Of Affairs....

She is a therapist specialising on affairs. And has spent hours and years with people going through them.

It may help understand and deal with it for you, OP.

It’s a very Me me me act, having an affair. I think a lot of people get a huge high from it.

Loving at a deep fundamental level has a base in trust. Having an affair is a massive betrayal and means that however much they like living with you, and what you give, they give zero fucks about being trustworthy with you.

That’s a huge deal.

No. I honestly, truly don't believe it is possibly to love someone and betray them like that. I love my DP very deeply and it would never even be an issue because there is no one else in my eyes.

All this bollocks of I was in a bad place but I love you really
Like I said, no kids no mortgage, no living in a bed sit seeing you’re kids eow
Doubt there would be the same outcome

He's a despicable excuse for a human being.

To do this at all is inexcusable, but whilst you're trying to conceive? There are no words...

Was a relationship and I've got no idea how long it's been going on. My anger has settled a bit now and I'm really tempted to message the other woman but I know that's probably a bad move. I mean for all I know he's there with her now.

I do love him but I'm pretty sure it's over, I'll never be able to trust him again and what's love with no trust.

I have twin 6 year olds but they aren't his, he has been in my life and theirs life's for the past 4 years. Would it be unreasonable to completely cut him off? I know they have a relationship with him but they've got a perfectly good dad that they see often so would I be cruel to stop them from seeing him?

Also thank you for responding, I'm really finding it reassuring reading both sides of the debate because all these things have been going round my head all weekend

No.

BUT for me that doesn't necessarily mean not being attracted to or having sex with someone else.

I have friends who are in open relationships or polyamorous and it works for them.

But to deceive and lie to your life partner? No that's not love.

Yes of course you can. Sexual attraction has nothing to do with love.

Yes, of course you can love someone and cheat (or hurt them in other ways). Loving someone doesn’t automatically make a person into a good decision maker.

Depends on the person and the circumstances.

Some people are very selfish and will do what makes them happy regardless of whether it hurts the one they love. Doesn't mean they don't love you, just means they are not a nice person.

No. You'd love them too much to want to risk hurting them

He doesn't care about hurting you

Go to a gum clinic as well he probably isn't bothering to practise safe sex 😕

I love my DH. My AP loves his DW.

But... sometimes you need more.

I very much doubt your DH and his DW would agree. I mean if you are so sure why not tell them you are shagging someone else?

No, if you cheat on someone your love doesn't mean much does it.
I love my DH. When I started to get a bit of a crush on a colleague and it became obvious it was very much reciprocated, I requested a move to a different office because I didn't even want the temptation of something happening. Because those are the choices you make when you truly love someone. Being attracted to other people is natural, some might argue inevitable if you're in a long term relationship. But it's how you act on it that counts.
He hasn't treated you with the love and respect that you deserve, could you ever trust him again?

Everyone can make mistakes, nobody is perfect. I know I'd find it super tough to forgive and forget though. I totally understand the people who can't continue in a relationship. That said, if you both truley love each other, I know it can work still, but it is seriously a lot of work and you'd be starting over from scratch again in regards to trust.

Of course. Just look at how many cheaters beg forgiveness when they're found out. They are good at compartmentalising and justifying. Many posts on here from women who love their husbands but are embroiled in an affair.

I know life isn't all black and white and people get drunk and do so silly things

But to continually cheat is to continually hurt your wife so he can't love her

I've always said that for someone to have an affair then they must be unhappy. Maybe that's a naive way at looking at it i don't know.
Just wondering why you would risk all of the hurt/betrayal and the potential shit storm of the fallout otherwise?

I do believe that if you were truly happy and in love then you wouldn't need to look elsewhere, nor would you want to.

My dad cheated on my mum. They were the "perfect couple" to everyone. Except they weren't. They were both unhappy. My dad was a coward and has paid a massive price for his actions.