I want to be fit and healthy but DH is stuck in an unhealthy rut

[Mcmuppet]

Is it possible for me to get fit and healthy with a very unhealthy DH? I believe its really difficult to be the driving force of a healthy lifestyle when the other half of a couple doesn't want to be.
Before DH I was slim, fit and healthy.
DH had lost weight when I met him after a busy time but had always been very over-weight beforehand. We have since both ballooned together since having DCs.
I am very interested in nutrition and healthy living whilst DH hasnt a clue about what is healthy/unhealthy and doesn't care. He sticks to what he knows and likes. I find I am VERY easily influenced and having spent the day with very healthy friends,found myself wanting to live a better lifestyle, but a few days under DH's influence I seem to revert back again.
Not good.
I cook really healthy meals and love cooking but DH pulls his face and I find myself adding unhealthy "extras" such as bread and other unhealthy carbs to keep him happy and then I too eat some.
Yesterday, we went to the seaside, DH said he "HAD" to have fish and chips. We had them and as I was eating mine realised I actually really dislike fish and chips so stopped eating it. DH then polished off mine aswell as his own.
I then went to subway instead and ordered a sandwich with lots of salad on it on wheat bread. Not completely healthy, but still, healthier. DH went on to polish off half of my sandwich too... 🙄
When we got home late that night, he made himself 2 slices of toast on white bread. His eating is out of control.
How can I do this without his bad eating habits rubbing off on me? Or even better... how can I get him to be healthier too? Im
I'm getting very "put off" by his unhealthy behaviours.
When we were with our healthy friends today, it was refreshing and lovely to hear them chatting together about healthier living and healthy foods. I found myself wishing my partner would do the same but he has absolutely zero interest. He is also not very self aware so can not really even recognise when hes making bad choices. Maybe I need to spend less time around him?

You need to stop blaming him for your crappy food choices.

In the long term if you have such fundamental life style differences then you are going to struggle.

Not blaming him at all. I choose what goes in my mouth. I am very easily influenced and need to be less so. Just trying to paint a picture of his eating habits for the sake of the thread.

Absolutely what @Deadzed said. Eat What, and live how, you want to live. If this highlights fundamental issues in your relationship then you may need to explore them. I presume he doesn't pin you down and ram bread and fish and chips down your throat. Lead by example for a while .

I can only speak from experience. My DH had a really rubbish diet despite my efforts to buy and cook healthy food. I came to the conclusion that I had to make my own choices for my own benefit. The same with the DC's too in that I often see on here people saying they can't resist the snack cupboard. At some point you have to become responsible for what goes in your mouth. Make the choice that you want.

Unfortunately you're not compatible in this area. It is a huge part of life so I understand your frustration but he doesn't want to change.

I have lived with friends who were really into health and it is so nice so I understand.

Practically if you are cooking don't add extras. Why should he gets what he wants and not you? If you do the shopping only buy healthily. You are important.

For me his gluttony would be a huge turn off. It's not just about food but mental and physical health and outlook.

I get this so much OP. I'm not in a relationship but in my immediate family the eating habits are terrible and when I visit home it's so difficult and disheartening to see and be influenced by. When I know I'm going to be visiting awhile I order my food online so it arrives an hour or so after I do. But then I get the problem of my siblings (who don't live at home but visit everyday) coming up eating my (more expensive) healthier food usually while they're cooking something far unhealthier.

When you consider the lifestyle changes that come with eating healthy and then the low points when your changing your lifestyle you really need someone who can and will support you. They don't have to follow the same diet or anything but they can support you with encouragement and if your DP isn't prepared to do that then it highlights other issues in your relationship.

When I told my male friend that I wanted to lose weight, he first commented that I shouldn't worry about my weight because I look good (not true but nice of him to say) and then when he realised this wasn't a whim he gave me a load of practical advice (he plays semi-professionally on several different sports teams) and what to do and what not to do to be healthier. He keeps pointing me to amature female teams of the sports he plays because that way he can help me train and make sure I don't over do it or hurt myself. And if a platonic friend can be that supportive, there is no reason why your partner can't be either.

Toast with white bread?....... Oh my gosh, the untold damage he's doing himself.

Sorry, but I'd find you a nightmare to live with. I'm a size 12, and yes, when I go to the beach, I "have" to have fish and chips

I am fairly healthy, I am a healthy weight, exercise regularly and eat a range of healthy and treat foods.

I used to be bigger; I lost over 4 stone a few years ago which is my motivation not to put it all back on as I know the effort I went to.

DH has always been fatter than me, he has never been fit or healthy since I met him. I just cook the healthy meals I like and eat well. (I track my food on fat pal when I notice I've put a few pounds on.)
DH would always eat whatever I cooked (no moaning!) but if it wasn't enough for him he'd have some bread or crackers after we'd eaten. I didn't really mind as it's his body; I can't control him.
I did used to gently encourage him to eat better and introduced him to fat pal and C25K...
But annoyingly nothing I did or said worked until his friend told him how he had done C25K and suddenly lost a load of weight, then DH suddenly took an interest and in a year has dropped about a 1/5 of his body weight, is much healthier, stopped snoring, and looks really well.

So, eat whatever you want, don't use his bad eating as an excuse not to eat how you'd prefer to, because if you really want to do it, you can.
Good luck!

It is a huge turn off.

I also need to be honest.
Part of me is scared of living a very healthy lifestyle and being slim... because I think it will be the end of our marriage. We just wont be compatible anymore. Yet, there is a slimmer, healthier version of myself crying out inside me. I spend hours researching healthy recipes, creating my own sugar free, healthy cakes and biscuits recipes. I read books on nutrition, I walk everywhere. But to do this properly, I know it's going to turn our lives upside down.

• prev post is meant to say "2 separate meals everyday.."

If it was me I would just stick to my guns and refuse to eat anything unhealthy but I think many people would find it difficult to be in a relationship where you both have very different approaches to food and Lifestyle.
a big part of following a healthy lifestyle is being able to control the food environment so that you're not constantly subjected to hyper palatable tempting foods
That means only having healthy food in your kitchen etc and if your husband refuses to participate in that and it may be difficult for you to be disciplined

You can do it yourself. He doesn't need to do it as well. You do come across as though you blame him for you eating poorly. If he wants some bread with his dinner, her can. You don't have to have them to. That's you choosing to have the extras.

I would stick to your healthy diet for you and children. If he wants extras, he can go and get them. Don’t buy stuff for him and have in the house as it will tempt you.
Good luck

When we got home late that night, he made himself 2 slices of toast on white bread. His eating is out of control.

yes a man eating two slices of toast late at night has really lost all sense of perspective.

Agree with others, you’re blaming your DH for your diet. Own your behaviours, if you keep on blaming others you’ll never fix the problem.

Get a grip and take control of your own diet. All you have done is slagged off your DH and blamed him.

So it's about your relationship with each other rather than with food?

OP Stop cooking for him! Let him know what you want to cook and he either joins you or gets his own meals.....

My DH eats very differently to me, he loves large amounts of meat/ loves burgers and sausages generally heavy meals, loves bread and wine. He also gets in late in the evening. He is not overweight and keeps fit.

I rarely drink ( it gives me appalling headaches) avoid' white' foods, prefer a chicken salad to a large roast, never eat pizza or sausages. etc.. also l easily put on weight so need a much lighter diet.

So in the week we eat seperately, l eat lightly with DCs at 6.30pm, and sit with him when he eats later, to chat. I will cheerfully adapt what l am making for Dcs, or me but if he wants a completely different meal he makes it.

I hate fish and chips! on the odd occasion we have takeaway, l just make myself a salad.

You need to work out how you want to live, accept the disconnect and work out the best ways to adapt. It has to be up to him to change if he wants, but it is his right not too.

Not exactly the same situation here but I'm generally more healthy than DH. We always eat different meals, it's a bit weird and a pain in the ass at times but my tastes have completely changed since we started dating (15 years ago!). We used to both be really unhealthy but then both decided to make an effort. However he's much bigger than I, both in height and stature so has always been able to eat more and foods that would be no good for me.

I work out at home, mainly cos it fits in easily around my lifestyle as I don't lose hours going to a gym. I do online workouts of 30mins to an hour about 5 days a week, which is a huge help.

In terms of food, make changes like looking for low fat chips - I try and keep stuff under 5% fat when I'm on a health drive - McCain do some.

Use the low fat mince, or chicken breast, skinned, small healthy choices like that can make a difference. We might both have chilli but I'll have wholegrain rice and he'll have chips, if I fancy a few chips I'll put a few extra in for me so it kicks the urge. There's a lot of small changes that he probably wouldn't notice and basics like trimming fat off meat that consistently done will make a difference to your health.

Hope I'm not teaching you to suck eggs but these are a few of the things that have worked for us.

I used to cook entirely different meals for me when doing Slimming World. I lost a heck of a lot of weight. Maybe you need to focus on what you are eating, not what your dh is eating. You can’t force him to lose weight and be healthier. That needs to come from him.

Thank you for the good ideas.
I have no problems with fish and chips or white bread at all! I thought I'd made the point quite clear that moderation of unhealthy foods was the issue here! So...
2 portions of fish and chips
Half a subway
2 slices of toast
Is a bit too much in one evening! I'm trying to show that DH has little control qhen it comes to eating.
I also dont "blame" him, I blame myself. But no person is an island. We are all influencing each other all the time... its basic psychology. Of course his eating habits impact on me.

I'm sporty and healthy. I'm not a "healthy eater" but that's mostly because my sports - need the cals.

Anyway my dp has never taken care of himself, eats junk, or hardly eats; didn't exercise at all. Hadn't seen a Dr or dentist in almost 15 years. Etc.

I don't have any judgement for him. He comes by it all honestly. I've never said a word about his health except in the context of "gosh I hope you never die because you're so wonderful". I've just done my thing and he's done his.

Anyway, three years into knowing each other, he's now plugging away at his health. He goes to the chemist to use the BP cuff once a week (!!). Is now exercising every day - from literally nothing at all a year ago. Chats about his stress more, asks for support. Goes to Dr when sick, even had his immunizations boosted the other day, I nearly keeled over when I heard that tbh.

I do think that example setting is huge. When it's done as literally just that, example setting. Your dh doesn't have to be like you - hes allowed to be himself. But if you want him to follow you, start leading. That's your best hope I think

Sorry not to sound harsh but get some willpower. Yes it's hard when someone around you is making bad choices, yes it's tempting. (Trust me) But it only takes 21 days to make a habit. So set some goals and stick to them. If it wasn't your DH making poor food choices, it would be someone else. For example being surrounded by your DC's treats etc.
What are you looking to achieve OP?

Thanks Donkey! Your post makes me feel optimistic!

Do you have children? If you do have children now or in the future how would you want them to eat? It is not fair to set DCs up to eat foods which are not good for them. Would he change for DCs? Is it a family thing. His family eat similarly to him but your family ate differently?