I want to be fit and healthy but DH is stuck in an unhealthy rut

[Mcmuppet]

Is it possible for me to get fit and healthy with a very unhealthy DH? I believe its really difficult to be the driving force of a healthy lifestyle when the other half of a couple doesn't want to be.
Before DH I was slim, fit and healthy.
DH had lost weight when I met him after a busy time but had always been very over-weight beforehand. We have since both ballooned together since having DCs.
I am very interested in nutrition and healthy living whilst DH hasnt a clue about what is healthy/unhealthy and doesn't care. He sticks to what he knows and likes. I find I am VERY easily influenced and having spent the day with very healthy friends,found myself wanting to live a better lifestyle, but a few days under DH's influence I seem to revert back again.
Not good.
I cook really healthy meals and love cooking but DH pulls his face and I find myself adding unhealthy "extras" such as bread and other unhealthy carbs to keep him happy and then I too eat some.
Yesterday, we went to the seaside, DH said he "HAD" to have fish and chips. We had them and as I was eating mine realised I actually really dislike fish and chips so stopped eating it. DH then polished off mine aswell as his own.
I then went to subway instead and ordered a sandwich with lots of salad on it on wheat bread. Not completely healthy, but still, healthier. DH went on to polish off half of my sandwich too... 🙄
When we got home late that night, he made himself 2 slices of toast on white bread. His eating is out of control.
How can I do this without his bad eating habits rubbing off on me? Or even better... how can I get him to be healthier too? Im
I'm getting very "put off" by his unhealthy behaviours.
When we were with our healthy friends today, it was refreshing and lovely to hear them chatting together about healthier living and healthy foods. I found myself wishing my partner would do the same but he has absolutely zero interest. He is also not very self aware so can not really even recognise when hes making bad choices. Maybe I need to spend less time around him?

Sticking to a diet is hard work and I know what you mean about it being hard to ignore junk/goodies/nice bits if your OH is eating them. To be honest I am normally the person who says "fuck it, I deserve a bag of chips after my 'busy' day". My DH tends to go along with my suggestion. But it isn't my responsibility to modify my eating for him - a 45 year old can eat what he likes. Same as, if he wants chocolate, that's his choice - I have the choice to not eat it.

I do get what you are saying about OH's habits being an influence on your eating, but what exactly do you want him to do -change his eating to stop distracting you for the diet you want to follow - he is allowed his food choices, just like you are, you just have to decide which is more important.

If you could see the shape of me, honestly you would laugh at me doling out "advice", but it boils down to you both being adults and responsible for your own health/eating.

Nobody can help you to make better choices. You have to think for yourself and not find excuses. If dh wants bread with his meal, he can go and get his own. Why do you have to get it for him then get some for yourself, at the same time?

Your healthier lifestyle may start to rub off on your dh. Maybe he will see how it benefits you and decide to be healthier too.
You’ve got lots of great advice on this thread. Put it to use and go for it.

What are you hoping to get from this thread OP? Genuine question and one for yourself, not necessarily to answer here. Are you looking for sympathy that your husband won’t change so that you can start to eat healthily? Praise for researching the healthy diet you don’t follow? Understanding and validation that you can’t change your situation? You might find the answer helpful.

I get where you're coming from re unhealthy choices when he makes unhealthy choices. I have very little willpower where food is concerned. But I've managed to lose three stone through diet and exercise. Albeit husband is on board with healthy eating, like I said earlier, he can eat much more treat food than me and still lose weight.

I do the shopping though, and used to do the bulk of the cooking when we were first being healthy. So he got what he was given. And the food we had in was what I'd bought. If he didn't like it he'd have to go to the effort of making something else or going and buying stuff. Which he couldn't be bothered to do! Maybe that would work for you?!

My DC's need treats in so I buy them things that I'm not so bothered about but they love. Find treats for yourself that aren't too bad - either small chocolate biscuits in individual packs if that's your bag, or things like ice lollies for a sweet fix. There's always an alternative. After many years of eating healthily and slowly bringing in changes my tastes have changed and I'd rather eat the healthy stuff. Make small sustainable changes to start with rather than a massive dramatic lifestyle change maybe? It'll be easier to stick at.

And consider an app for recording your calorie intake. I once did weight watchers for about six months and my obsession over points and logging my food really helped and opened my eyes as to what I could chuck down my neck without thinking about it!!

I get what you're saying OP. I'm the same - I'll be perfectly happy with a cup of tea, then my husband will open a bottle of wine or a packet of sweets and I instantly crave some. It will be literally all I can think about, even though before I hadn't even given wine or sweets a second thought.

The ideal scenario would be for my husband to be exactly like me and then I wouldn't have to be subjected to three temptation. But of course that's not a realistic or reasonable expectation for me (or you) to have of anyone. Yes, your husband's eating habits are unhealthy and probably a bit out of control. But they're his eating habits - they're not yours. He's perfectly entitled to eat 2 portions of chippy, a sandwich and toast in one evening if he wants to.

The only way to change your situation is to change the way you think. Instead of focusing on him - what he's eating, him being lazy, putting on weight, or whatever - separate him entirely from the equation. Focus on yourself only. You want to be healthy and fit, so be healthy and fit. Ignore your husband, forget him altogether. Cook and shop for yourself. If he doesn't like what you're buying/eating, he can sort his own out. If he does insist on fish and chips at the seaside, for example, well that's really easy because you don't like fish and chips. So you go and buy what you like from somewhere else and let him buy fish and chips. If you did happen to like chippy though, if overall you're eating healthy food and exercising, then order a small children's portion of chips and a fish. Then you get the treat, you're not missing out, you've dealt with that craving, but you've not had a huge portion.

It sounds like your relationship is tied up emotionally around food. Start distancing yourself from food discussions with your husband and try to stop seeing food as "healthy" and "unhealthy". If you overall eat well 80-90% of the time, then an occasional indulgence with your husband will become less of an issue.

Try the book "Intuitive Eating" - it was recommended on one of the AMA threads recently by a dietician and it's a very sensible approach to eating.

Ultimately though OP, if you want to be healthy and fit, then it's not up to your husband to change - it's down to you. Spend more time with those healthy friends. Join in some clubs that focus on physical activities such as hiking clubs, netball, dancing, indoor climbing - that sort of thing. Have a look on Meetup to see if there are some dining groups near you - you could go for meals with people other than your husband and make healthy choices away from him. It sounds to me like you're both emotionally dependent on food and are both too influential on each other when it comes to unhealthy choices. I think you need to make the decision to strike out on your own with healthy activities and food. Then, if he decides to follow your lead, great. But if he doesn't, then he's an adult and he's allowed to make that choice. Whether that then leads you to question your relationship overall is an entirely different matter, but first make those changes that you want to make for your own sake and accept that your husband won't.

I do understand. As a couple you do things together... For convenience often more than anything. But really I don't think bread is the enemy here! DH and I eat plenty of white bread and we're both fit and healthy! We have an allotment, go bike riding and walk the dog regularly.

It's sometimes about finding things that fit into your lives rather than going completely cold turkey and extreme (which viewing white bread as terrible (IMHO) is a little extreme.

To be honest I think the reason you have not started eating healthily is that you think this change will spell the end of your marriage. That can be a very frightening thought so it is far easier to pick up a piece of bread with dinner than stick to your guns and be unsure of your future.

Don’t worry you guys won’t be breaking up if you become healthy.
Crack on with your healthy eating and good luck with it
And you may make something healthy and tasty and he tries it some evening and then he might start liking your dishes and in turn he becomes healthier

The issue is you have to think.....do you want to be healthier or do you want to eat the extras.

I was really over weight. My husband, at the time, was really skinny and could eat anything. If he ate just what I ate, he would have become dangerously thin. If ate the portion sizes and extras he ate, I wouldn't have lost the weight.

So I either ate like him and carried on putting weight on. Or got my own arse into gear and stopped myself eating the extra things he did.

My now dp is a huge bloke. Not over weight. But 6ft 4in and built big. Big shoulders, but legs. He has a manual job so eats loads. We watched tv last night and he had chocolate. I didn't. Because we had, had fish and chips for dinner. I left some of mine, he finished the fish. But I know having fish and chips and then chocolate are habits I used to have which caused me to put weight on. He was reluctant to have any chocolate, but that makes me feel like shit that he can't have what he wants because of me.

At the end of the day, what I eat is my responsibility. Not dps, wasn't exhs. I am not going to insist others eat what I do, just because I don't have the will power to say no.

My OH is slim but he eats rubbish food and lots of it. On the other hand I eat healthily and exercise. We are total opposites in that respect. We basically just have separate dinners. We still eat together but he has his pizza or whatever and I have my chicken and vegetables. He then has pudding and I don’t. It’s done my willpower the world of good living with him!

On one hand I do understand that living with someone who isn't interested in healthy eating can be frustrating but honestly OP the issue is you

You seem to be borderline proud of being easily led ? This isn't a positive nor is it a valid excuse frankly. Embracing that you are easily led is really very sad....if you can't be your own person and need to be led by the views of others ,frankly that says something worrying about your mental health possibly , it certainly challenged your concept of identity.

Also you have found every excuse under the sun not to commit to healthy eating , worrying about the effect on your marriage,blaming your husband etc

The ultimate here us that you are avoiding committing to it, and I am sympathetic to that it's a hard decision , harder than most people realise...but own that it's on you no-one else and you'll get somewhere

I get where you're coming from op. I used to live with a partner for whom "love" and "food" were basically the same thing. A lot of times, "treating" ourselves to takeaways, snacks, meals out, junk food, chocolate etc was a big part of having fun together our relationship.

Obviously I put on weight, and when I decided I wanted to change those eating habits, he was extremely resistant to me no longer indulging. To him, it felt like rejection and criticism of his choices, and more importantly, his love. If we weren't going to have a lovely night in, get takeaway and treat ourselves, what were we going to do?

I had to be very clear to him that he did not have to change what he ate at all - I was going on a diet, he didn't have to as well. So we ate entirely separately - I would always tell him what I planned to eat and ask him if he wanted to join me, he would usually say no and eat something else. It does require willpower when someone is eating a bag of kettle chips or chocolate buttons right next to you, but it can be done. I lost weight broke that eating pattern.

I'm interested when you say that whatever he eats, you then "have to" have some too. Other posters have assumed that this impulse is 100% your own to master, but I wonder how much pressure is coming from your partner? Is he keen for you to join him in his unhealthy eating? Do you worry that you will somehow "spoil it" for him if you turn down fish and chips? Does he make the face at your healthy eating, even if it does not impact him?

Part of me is scared of living a very healthy lifestyle and being slim... because I think it will be the end of our marriage. We just wont be compatible anymore. Yet, there is a slimmer, healthier version of myself crying out inside me. I spend hours researching healthy recipes, creating my own sugar free, healthy cakes and biscuits recipes. I read books on nutrition, I walk everywhere. But to do this properly, I know it's going to turn our lives upside down.

This is very dramatic! Rather than reading about it, talking about it and agonising about it-just do it

I never said chocolate and crisps were "healthy" as such but this idea that certain foods are almost "evil" is ridiculous!

Yes the majority of foods have some nutritional content. The only one I can think of that really is basically just empty calories are boiled sweets that are really just sugar and water.

Does nobody think it's at all interesting that it's really only since certain foods were demonised by "diet experts" that we've had as a society a major, fast increase in dietary issues?

As for you thinking "follow the plan the plan works" isn't actually successful, you later say "before they stop following the plan again" the successful slimmers who keep the weight off DON'T stop following whatever healthier eating scheme they're following. They continue to eat - at least roughly - the same way as they did when trying to lose the weight. I lost weight with ww and I'm not familiar with sw but my understanding is that while the details across the slimming clubs vary slightly (I've also done scottish slimmers and a council organised scheme) most of the information is quite similar (because the calorie content of the food we all eat is the same) and I know ww and scottish slimmers both have maintenance plans/advice.

Of course someone who's been overweight can't go back to eating as they did when they were overweight/gaining weight because they'll regain the weight.

It has to be a permanent change to a healthiER diet (by which of course I don't mean weight loss scheme but the overall content of what you eat).

There is an element of willpower involved, your dh may tempt you - and there's no reason you can't discuss with him that you want his support in helping you to live a healthier life and exactly what you'd like that support to be - but as several of us on the thread have said, ultimately it's your decision what and how much you eat.

As I say I've lost weight myself. I found that one of the reasons I ate too much was boredom - especially of an eve watching telly - so I found keeping my hands busy with knitting, cross stitch, cross words, adult colouring was useful. Also having healthier snacks that could be "picked at" in a similar way to the usual sweets and crisps that we can end up eating too much of. So portioned veg & fruit eg sliced peppers, carrot sticks, cucumber sticks, celery sticks, cherry tomatoes, sliced apple, peeled and portioned oranges, sliced banana, grapes... You get the idea. Frozen grapes are like mini sorbets, love them.

I agree with Yonijust - a lot of why you're not getting on and doing it is avoidant procrastination - something all of us do at times - but you have to acknowledge it and decide on a way to motivate yourself out of it.

In terms of avoiding "bad influences" my dd is extremely slim, if anything struggles to maintain what little weight she has - which I now know is partly related to her disability which one of the effects is an increased metabolism. So we have treat drawers organised in the kitchen, a small drawer each for treat snacks. Hers has less healthy, more calorific ones (which actually she rarely eats they certainly need topping up less than mind so clearly another reason she's slim is she's not as keen on this kind of food as others are - but she likes it sometimes) in it, mine has things that are smaller portions, less calorific but still not super healthy things. That way except for when I'm putting things in her drawer when they've just been bought I don't even see them.

I also have 3 shelves in my fridge. One is hers, one is mine and one is shared. This actually came about because she kept snaffling my healthier stuff I was buying in to try and keep on track! Now we both have our stuff we like and the other doesn't accidentally eat something the other was "saving". It also means I don't focus on the less healthy items on her shelf that may tempt me and I stick to my healthier versions.

"so I buy them things that I'm not so bothered about but they love" yes I do that too. Eg I'm not a coconut fan whereas she is so coconut flavoured biscuits, cereal bars are something she likes. Or get her things I can't have - eg haribo. Also I like raisins/currants so I get stuff with those in and she won't touch them.

Little things like this may seem daft but I've found actually help and talking to friends and family with similar weight (or other family members eating "their" stuff) issues have said the same.

As lemonTT says you can even adjust when out and about. Eg fish & chips, you could have just agreed with dh to have a portion of fish, maybe taken batter off, and had a few of his chips? Subway - my dd always gets a foot long, plus cookie and drink. I couldn't eat that if I tried! I get a 6" I'm veggie anyway so I either just get cheese and salad (and it's not a lot of cheese) or the veggie patty with salad and don't get cookie & drink, I grab a drink from the newsagents next door before we go in (more choice and cheaper too), we don't sit in anyway as I can't get on the stools or if I can I can't get off due to my disability, so we go sit on the benches outside if it's a dry day or head into shopping centre and sit and eat in there.

"Your healthier lifestyle may start to rub off on your dh." Yep! Seen and had this happen too. Plenty of weight loss club members who've said they just cook recommended recipes or have tweaked favourite recipes to be healthier - eg leaner meats, low fat cheeses, more veg in casseroles etc And their other halves have happily eaten without noticing a real difference and often ended up also losing weight. One member used to joke her fees were essentially half price for her as she came to meetings and got all the info but both she and her dh were following all the advice and losing weight and supporting each other.

Dd often "nicks" some of my fruit or veg out my little snack bowl on her way by or when I'm prepping which means without me nagging her she's eating more fruit & veg than she normally would. I also put more veg in our favourite recipes which she's never commented on noticing. Have to be careful though as she actually needs a bit more healthy fats than others for her increased metabolism and disability issues. Irony is she doesn't like fatty foods generally - seriously how many teens don't like chips & chocolate?! (She's never liked either, not a fan of potatoes generally).

"And consider an app for recording your calorie intake" omg yes! I had NO idea how much I was really consuming until I started keeping a note as per slimming club guidelines. In my head it was like

Breakfast - cereal and milk (I've never added sugar but I was shocked to learn how much sugar was in the cereals I was having which I THOUGHT were quite plain! After all I wasn't having coco pops & Frosties! But shreddies and weetabix are quite sugary it turns out)

Lunch - in my head "oh just a sandwich and a yogurt" but sandwich was lashings of full fat Mayo, loads of grated cheddar, quorn slices (they're OK cals wise), Branston pickle (scary the cals in this!), yogurt was sugary high fat version, PLUS I was "forgetting" the large bag of crisps and cake I usually had too. 😪

Dinner - "oh just pasta and sauce" but my portion was far too big, was at that point using jar sauces for convenience (was working at this point - but now know that's no excuse as homemade sauce is so quick and easy to make), wasn't having very much veg in it which bulks it out. Or "just stir fry" again carb portion was HUGE, not enough veg and ready made sauces - again switched to home made sauce/flavourings, reduced the carbs, increased the veg.

I also wasn't acknowledging properly the amount of less healthy snacking I was going in the evenings, as I said largely boredom.

Also there were some things I was eating thinking they were very low cal when actually they're not - fruit generally especially bananas, potatoes, peas, beans, fruity yogurts...

Before I went to any slimming clubs I had thought that certain foods would be "banned" and that kinda put me off. Then I was chatting to a work colleague who was doing scottish slimmers and noticed she was eating 😱 cake! And I crassly asked "is that allowed?" Thankfully she didn't take offence and explained she could and briefly how it worked. This lead to a more in depth conversation and I ended up going with her the following week (it was on a weekday lunchtime near our office). And that was the start of me eating more healthily and losing weight.

Both the clubs I went to - and I'm guessing others are similar - discuss and offer ways to manage things like eating out, takeaways, special occasions etc. And it wasn't just the group leader giving tips but members who'd found things that worked for them - have you considered a weight loss club op?

Does nobody think it's at all interesting that it's really only since certain foods were demonised by "diet experts" that we've had as a society a major, fast increase in dietary issues?

I think you're seeing causation where there is only correlation - a lot has changed about the way foods are manufactured and marketed, as well as their abundance and nutritional makeup that has fueled the obesity boom - I really think that claiming it has been solely caused by certain foods being "demonised" is a bit...simplistic.

I don't get why it would be such a crisis if you ate healthily and exercised? You honestly sound a bit like you are procrastinating about it all to me - doing all the reading, talking and agonising over it but not actually doing it! Just try! In all likelihood your lives will continue as usual, just with you eating healthier options and snacking less. Plenty of couples have vastly different tastes/eating habits/weights/ exercise routines and manage perfectly well. And most women I know (myself included) are amazed at how much their male partners can eat - he's not unusual in that sense at all.