If you ended up choosing a stable man that didn't have as much "spark" between you as previous bad boys you may have dated, are you glad you did and did you every worry it was settling?

[updatesfromtully]

Just that really.

If you got married to someone that wasn't all the crazy drama sparks of some of the previous people you dated, but your marriage now is very good, did you ever question it?

I am with a very lovely man after someone horrible past relationships. But the spark isn't the same. It makes me worried we aren't totally right together.

The 'spark' might just be the combo of excitement and neediness you when someone blows hot and cold, mightn't it though?

Nope.

I think when you have to find the excitement in the yearning and longing because they keep leaving you or cheating on you it's a sign that the relationship itself isn't interesting enough in it's purest form.

I think it depends what time scales you're looking at. I have a number of friends who went for the stable option after going out with exciting dickheads and for the first ten years or so, it went pretty well. Now it's getting closer to twenty, by their own account they are bored to tears, and wishing they'd gone for someone more dynamic. More in a housemates and co-parents sitation than a relationship. And it's not anyone's fault, they knew what they were getting into and they know they took that gamble. But nonetheless the ones with kids are now saying that once the kids leave home they can't see the relationship lasting.

That's not to say the bad boy would have been the better option, or that a twenty year relationship is a failure, but it does seem to have become more of an issue as time goes on.

Never questioned it. It’s wonderful to not have all the drama, to have someone I could trust and who is dependable, and who treats me well and is fun to be with. Not saying I didn’t have any doubts ever. I think everyone does at some point when trying to work out if it’s right for the long haul. In part that for us was down to age (my dh is 6, almost 7 years younger than me, we met when we were 21 and 27). But once I settled into life with him, I didn’t miss the drama and looking back now I have no idea what I saw in those wankers. It’s great just to have a happy life with a really great partner. We’ve been together over 10 years now, married for 7, with 2 dc.

That said, I think it’s important to work out if it’s the lack of drama that’s causing the spark to be missing or if there just isn’t a spark. For me, the spark was still instant even without the drama.

I went for a stable, peaceful man after a series of bad boys with “spark”. It was the best thing I could have done, we’ve grown into each other over the last 17 years, he has got more adventurous and I’ve got calmer. Right now we are exactly at the same point, and I’m looking forward to seeing what comes next as the kids grow up more (youngest is now 6). I think it depends if they are stable and DONT WANT TO EVER THINK ABOUT CHANGE or can accept that everyone grows and makes and effort to grow with you. I got really pretty lucky to be honest

Never regretted choosing my best friend over my best shag what we have is deep, real and lasting. I sometimes have fleeting moments of fond reminiscing about more ‘exciting’ past conquests but at the end of the day, an orgasm is just an orgasm, not a basis for a lifetime emotional, social and legal commitment to another person.
(Obviously, this only applies if you do like and fancy the ‘sensible’ option in question, but they’re just not the fireworks-badboy-type - there’s no use settling for someone who you don’t really like or find attractive)

No, I'm not a teenager anymore. You have to work at a long term relationship. You need the friendship and trust as a baseline. I'm not saying marry someone you don't fancy or anything but the butterfly feeling can fade and relationships do take work. (not slogging but communication and effort and all that).

Yeah @KintFastDieWarm said it better than me.

If you have children wait until 3 in the morning and the baby is crying and see how much use your bad boy is then.

It's amazing how attractive and how sexy you can find someone who helps you out and who is there for you when you need it.

If you don't value being loved and looked after perhaps the issue in the relationship is not him but your own self worth?

Just cause you have a "spark" with someone... Doesn't mean you'll always be happy with that person though remember that. It's the bad boy thing probably feels like a challenge and is satisfying, but, doesn't necessarily mean they will have any respect for you and in the long run you probably would hate it.

Also your partner can never be the source of all your happiness, sometimes you miss that excitement and you might be trying to fill boredom in other parts of your life.

I don't see why it has to be either a spark or stability. If you don't have a spark with someone it is unlikely to last in my opinion. I don't think drama and a spark should be conflated. They are separate things.

There was an immediate spark between me and DH and all of that exciting, passionate love that comes with it. There's never been any drama though. Of course relationships settle down from that initial crazy, hormonally driven passion where you are full of dopamine etc. But when that lessens I think you should just be left with a deeper, more abiding love. I'm still excited to see DH each evening after work etc but I don't check my phone very 10 minutes to see if he's texted like I used to iyswim.

I do think sometimes people misread it when things move away from that gut churning, butterfly in the tummy feeling and think that signals the beginning of the end.

I can't imagine wanting any drama in my relationships. Why would you want to be treated like shit even some of the time?

I remember crying once because DH was so nice and I had always been a bad girl and would no doubt break his heart and run off with another bad boy.

I remember thinking, no it doesn't have to be like that, the bad boys are no good for me and never make me happy.

I realised that 'excitement' is very different to 'happy'. XP was exciting, I never knew if he was going to say he loved me or throw me out the door naked at 2am.

DH is consistently kind and stable. Yesterday he was nice, today he is nice, tomorrow he will be nice, and the day after.... I've now been with DH for 20 years and he is still always a nice guy.

'Exciting' means not knowing what is going to happen next, it is highs and lows, ups and downs. I did 'exciting' for the first 25 years of my life and I'm done with it. I'd choose happiness over exciting anytime.

I see it as the opposite way. I settled for the bad boys until I met the calm one.

How severe drama?
Someone treating you like shite? Then followed by excitement. There's a very very thin line between that and abusive.
Have you ever stopped and self examined as to why, your personality, your childhood, as to why you actually found that attractive?

I agree that there doesn’t have to be spark or stability. Dh and I sparked when we met I fancied the pants off him literally. But he is steady and reliable there is no and never has been any drama but he gave me butterflies. Real life and children take over so there is far less opportunity for ripping each other’s clothes off and leisurely sundays shagging but he still makes me laugh. I still look forward to seeing him after work and look forward to the time we spend together both as a family and alone.
I know he’s going to be there when times are tough not out in the pub/playing football/anywhere but at home. We are a team and we share the raising of dc and looking after the house but he still gives me butterflies at times and we still know how to have fun together. But I am so glad I’m not still having the dream fuelled relationships of my youth. Wondering what’s going to happen next and being less important than a pint with the lads.

'Crazy drama' reads as immature and selfish people who take their frustrations out on each other. I think drama filled relationships can help people avoid the stuff they should be dealing with in them selves and their lives. That's how it looks to me.

Would I prefer someone immature to my grown up, level headed husband? Why would I? It's a choice between something crap and something lovely.

and wishing they'd gone for someone more dynamic

Dynamic doesn't mean childish though? And I've been out with plenty of arseholes who were as dynamic as a house brick.

Have you ever stopped and self examined as to why, your personality, your childhood, as to why you actually found that attractive?

I did.

My childhood was full of drama and abuse, it was my 'normal' and the reason why I put up with so much shit from everyone men when I was younger. I knew nothing else. Some of my bad boy XPs were also from childhoods full of neglect and abuse, we had stuff in common including drink, drug and mental health problems

In contrast, DH's childhood hood was calm and stable and full of love. I did feel that he didn't understand me at all when we met as his life was so different.

Then I realised that I was glad he had no understanding of it, that he offered something different that I had never had.

I couldn't change my past, but I could choose a different future, so I did.

Yes. The spark was drama,abuse and dysfunctional relationships.
No. Because I didn't settle. He was what I needed and wanted even if I didn't know that at first.

Crazy drama isn't necessarily the same as spark.
I have spark with my dh. He's a strange mix of 'bad boy' but reliable,trustworthy, an excellent father, financially secure with a very good job and my best friend.

Crazy drama is not good it's exhausting and shatters your self esteem, but there's a reason woman (and men) choose a type of person who behaves like that and it's almost always due to their own childhood and experiences so it can be hard to break the cycle let alone realise there's a cycle or habit.
If the spark is coming from someone who treats you badly, you never know if they're going to show up or cheats on you this isn't a spark.

All the threads on MN about wank badgering, cock lodging, twats - how many of them were 'bad boys'?

I am with a calm, stable, kind man after a string of shitty relationships... I want to rip his clothes off (we’re 3 years in so past the honeymoon phase). I find him sexy and exciting.
Calm and exciting aren’t mutually exclusive, you can (and should!) have both!
I think it sounds like you’re with the wrong man

You do know that you don’t have to be with anyone, right? You can be single and live a really full and great life?

This is what those red pill men go on about. Women are sexually wild with men they find exciting and then they will settle down with a stable provider who gets duty sex. Don't be that guy.

Is this a reverse ?