If you ended up choosing a stable man that didn't have as much "spark" between you as previous bad boys you may have dated, are you glad you did and did you every worry it was settling?

[updatesfromtully]

Just that really.

If you got married to someone that wasn't all the crazy drama sparks of some of the previous people you dated, but your marriage now is very good, did you ever question it?

I am with a very lovely man after someone horrible past relationships. But the spark isn't the same. It makes me worried we aren't totally right together.

Those men aren't in either category though so they're doing the "sour grapes" routine.

It depends on how you define spark. If it's from behaviour that ordinarily you wouldn't find acceptable but you forget all about it briefly because they're a great Shag.. that's not a relationship, that's a teenage fling.

But if you're saying should you settle I'd say definitely not, you need to have a little more patience and higher standards.

I waited and my patience paid off. I have a wonderful man who treats me with respect and kindness, is an amazing dad and still the hottest man I've ever met.

Id advise you not to go for the spark or the settle. Wait for the right one.

I always went with the bad boy type until I met DH, complete opposite in anything I've had previous from looks to build to personality.... never regretted it and am always telling my unlucky sister to find the opposite

Do some women feel that being in a relationship with no drama and with someone stable is not what real love is? My ex left me for a guy who had been in prison for a road rage hammer attack and goes on Free Tommy Robinson marches. I assume he's much more alpha than I am, the type who 'negs' her, keeps her on edge and basically treats her like crap but to her having that drama is more exciting than being treated the way I think women should be treated, i.e. with love and respect. She left her husband also who was very stable and very much a provider (they had a £1 million house, three amazing kids, Caribbean holidays, etc) but she said she just wants someone she can 'have a laugh and with' and obviously feel attractive around.

As for the spark yeah I did wonder myself but to not having the intensity and the negatives that come with that outweigh it.... I got the spark when I introduced new things in the bedroom. Now I have it all as they say....

Sometimes the ‘spark’ with a bad boy is just anxiety. They are in control of the relationship and you just end up dancing to their tune and not really feeling settled or confident or comfortable. The what’s next - drama can become addictive. It can also serve as a way of avoiding parts of yourself and your life. Been there (of sorts). No longer would touch the ambiguity with a barge pole!

My DH is definitely not my type on paper and is very different to the guys I’ve dated previously, all who have been ‘bad boy’ type.
On our first date, we spent 3 hours just talking and laughing. I am definitely glad I gave him a chance and was so close to ditching things a month or so in as I didn’t feel ‘a spark’. 5 years on, I couldn’t imagine my life without him.

I would have been a wreck if I'd stayed with my "type." DH puts me first but doesn't text back so that's where I feel a bit more comfortable 

He's a great dad and a good husband. It's never been about the sex though. We forget to do it most of the year. And I won't lie and say that hasn't caused huge issues for me. But the older I get the more I realise my perceptions of sex and the kind of man I want in that sense aren't compatible with daily life and DCs.

The idea of women marrying stable "beta" males for safety and resources after years of chasing the edgy exciting alpha male "chads" is exactly what red pill theory is.

They try to warn men that this is women's true nature. I must say it is disappointing to hear that there is more than a grain of truth to it if this thread is to be believed.

I'm not a "bad boy" by any means, but had no trouble getting girlfriends and am happily married now for many years. I don't think the experiences described here are typical.

I don't think the experiences described here are typical

Yeah you have to take into account the people who are drawn to this thread from the title. I know plenty of friends who have never felt the need to date arseholes.

Red pill theory? Don't you mean people growing out of being teenagers and not controlling their emotions.

No-one has said they've compromised anything here just that what is attractive changes as you get older and more emotionally stable.

And alpha and beta men is such a load of nonsense it's unreal.

Surely you can find someone who’s honest and trustworthy AND you have a spark and that stomach churning excitements with? Why does it have to be either or? I wouldn’t and couldn’t be with someone who didn’t excite me (and they don’t have to mess you around to be exciting). But then again I’m not sure the idea of being with one person for my entire life appeals to me anyway

I read 'alpha male' as 'twat riddled with toxic masculinity'.

It's similar to friends isn't it. You're drawn to friends who are interesting and who you click with. And that's the same when dating. You're not drawn to friends who treat you like shit are you.

I think you have to examine what that “spark” has been in the past; is it the highs and lows or is it the basics of fancying someone? I do think that you need to fancy someone at least at the beginning but it can be strange getting used to the lack of drama in a relationship.
I consider settling as being with someone that you don’t really feel is right but you stay because you don’t think you will find anyone/don’t deserve better/don’t want to be alone.
At a certain point I had a choice between my now DH who while is not a bad boy he is also not easy and I knew would not be the simple choice or a very nice guy who I knew would do anything for me but I knew in myself that it wasn’t fair on the nice guy or myself as I didn’t have the feelings you should have for someone in a relationship. I would have seen that as settling and whenever my DH drives me crazy I remind myself of that choice and I don’t regret it.

I think I wondered this too for a while and eventually realised that it wasn't that there was a missing spark, it was that noone had ever treated me with so much kindness and respect and I didn't know what healthy was. He's my best friend, and instead of having some whirlwind of passion and drama I have a man who I can grow with and experience the things in life that really matter. It just threw me at first because there was no fighting, no back and forth of ridiculousness. That just leaves more time for the nice things like spending time together as a family and date nights and talking to my best friend.

My DH was not my usual type when I met him and I did wonder if we'd stand the test of time. But you grow together with marriage and children and when you know that the person you married will never leave you worried about how you'll pay the mortgage this month or upset because he's chosen to go out with his mates for the 4th night in a row whilst you're elbow deep in nappies then you don't have to worry about a 'spark' because you'll never be low enough to need the exciting high that is the 'spark'

I've wondered this after always being with sparky bad boys head fucking sociopaths
I am quite slow and steady myself but surely something attracts me to those men? And I know what that is its cockiness charisma, danger fun---- and the sex. What doesn't attract me anymore is the drama triangle...
I am on my own for a while, healing, repairing, growing me and ex's last baby in his absence and raising 2 other beautiful DCs.
At some point I will date again though and when I do I will see the danger signs this time the red flags I ignored last time and will go for someone who is, like I am, slow a steady,
But also hopefully funny, ambitious, hard working, resilient, independent and interesting.
I can settle with mr boring but not being bored if that makes sense?
I am boring I'm told. I don't like to drink much or party or smoke weed or get in debt or gamble etc. But actually *I think that's boring.
*
I think I need to reclaim fun.

& yes I am aware I will probably be alone forever!

this kind of thread reminds me of this quote ( screen shot from the Internet)

I tried, 9 years 2 kids down the line we have separated, I love him to death but I'm not In love. I wouldn't wish for anyone else to be the father of my kids he is great but he deserves someone kinder and calmer than me.

That's not a criticism of myself, I'm pretty awesome and I know it, I just don't appreciate his lovelyness the way someone else could.

If it's not right then speak up, you only get one life

DH is unlike anyone else I'd ever dated or met previously. He's calm, sensible, undramatic and, objectively, not what I'd have searched for. But we fit together and bring out the spark in one another. I like to think he's my pride and I'm his joy.

But also hopefully funny, ambitious, hard working, resilient, independent and interesting.

But what makes you think charisma and being red bloodied are not possible if you're also the above?

Is it only possible to have great sex with someone who is moody, lazy and needy? (The opposite of what you're looking for)

I have had three ltr and a few long term dating scenarios and wondered what if anything these men had in common with each other. Three ltr all had scars from fights, all are your sort of Ray Winston type bad boy, cultured, clever and confident but a bit rough around the edges. All seemed like reformed bad boys who treated me well. All were dependable, not entirely predictable. However they may have behaved in the past I expect to be treated well and probably give the impression that I won't tolerate anything less. All of them were sensitive underneath, and I didn't have to deal with a lot of drama or nonsense to discover that.

Bad boys may be a thing but it's down to whether you will tolerate being treated badly. Why is the 'spark' being confused with nerve wracking anxiety? Or cruelty?

I fancied DH the moment I met him, I knew then I'd want to get close to him. That for me is the spark. He felt the same. He was romantic and made everyday like Christmas. I felt cherished, desired and respected, and nothing has changed 3 years in.

I'm inclined to think that the very term 'bad boys' when it's reduced simply to how a man behaves towards his partner or girlfriend is problematic. Mostly its probably about whether this man believes you are good enough for him. Most men (sexism/misogyny) seem adept at categorising women, many seem to have some sort of idealist notions. But ultimately the drama stems from incompatibility. You crave and love him, he is indifferent or hot and cold. It doesn't get better it only comes to a painful end.

Not me but one of my best friends. She finally realised what she thought was spark was just stress from emotional abuse. She's now with a great guy and so relieved that she has a happy life free of emotional turmoil.