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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need a bit of support today

56 replies

Deerstalker · 02/11/2018 15:04

So, Halloween came this week and as usual dh did absolutely nothing to contribute towards the event.

I don’t mind that he never contributes towards family events as I enjoy organising them, but I do mind him criticising what I do for us as a family (Every. Single. Time)

So, I did the following;

bought nice Halloween outfits for dcs
arranged to go pumpkin picking with dcs at one of the best pumpkin patches in our region (dcs loved it)
decorated the house
carved and decorated the pumpkins with dcs as dh didn’t want to join in.
arranged for us to all go to a special interest event that both dcs love on Halloween morning
bought tickets for dcs to go to a lovely Halloween party in the afternoon (dressed up in their outfits)

(I had also done a Halloween theme breakfast and lunch with special bowls, plates and napkins.)

Dh picked fault with everything and said it was all shit and that I should have made more effort and that I’d essentially done nothing and not made enough effort (?!?!)

I went to bed once dcs we’re asleep (one dc sleeps with us). Dh came up much later, put the light on to wake me up and started having a go at me because he couldn’t find the cat and that I should look for it (he has never taken any interest in the cat which we have had for 9 years). I eventually told him to get lost as it was clear he just wanted a row.

I turned away from him in bed and he punched my arm!

I asked him what the hell his problem was and he yelled that I was....I’m a crap wife etc....

I turned away and at that point he threw liquid all over me (saline solution for contact lenses). I started to cry and he mocked me. All this woke up dc who was in bed beside me. Dh went to sleep.

Dh is emotionally abusive which took me a long time to recognise as I thought abuse was always physical. He had episodes of physical abuse but I (thought) that was over after I called the police several years ago....I now realise he was emotionally abusing me to.

Now it looks like he is back to his old ways. I can’t leave as I have no one and nowhere. I am a sahm and have no access to funds etc.

I realise I’ve been tricked into this life as he isn’t always like this (obviously). He knows I’m trapped.

I feel so stupid.

After all this he constantly tells me I’m abusing him (?) and make him miserable because I’m so abusive - his mother is awful too and so I have both of them telling me how shit I am.

I’ve recently started thinking the only way out is for me to not be around anymore. I feel so hopeless. Then I see my children and I feel so guilty - for them being born into this and for me contemplating being away from them which would leave them with those psychologically abusive bastards.

I feel totally helpless.

OP posts:

Santaisgettingbusy · 02/11/2018 15:06

You leave and take dc.
You report again everything to the police.

Original poster

Deerstalker · 02/11/2018 15:11

I need to add that dh constantly puts me down, calls me lazy, slovenly, dirty, messy....days I’m an embarrassment (?) and that my family are all crap too (they aren’t great to be fair but I’m nothing like them)....

The house is never clean enough, tidy enough despite my doing the lot with no help from him or anyone else whilst simultaneously entertaining two dcs under 4 who don’t nap in the day and haven’t for years.

He makes me cry in th car all the time, picks at me over everything and slates everything I do and arrange for us as a fAmily whilst doing NOTHING himself.

I am made to feel like a total failure and a waste of space. I know I’m not but I can’t see any way out of this 😔

OP posts:

Original poster

Deerstalker · 02/11/2018 15:12

The punch was hard but left no bruises. First thing dh did when he woke was look at my arm and smile because there was no bruising.

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 02/11/2018 15:13

Oh my god, you poor thing, you really do need to get out of there. I don't have any experience with this sort of thing so maybe some other wise women will come on with all that help but what i do know is you need to get yourself and kids away from that man

mandy151 · 02/11/2018 15:14

Oh my god. What an absolute asshole!!!! You sound like you are a great mother to your kids and gave them such a lovely Halloween week. Nobody I know puts that much effort into making it so special for their family. The cheek of him saying it's not good enough. Please find a way to tell him to go F himself and put u a ur kids first. Please ring women's aid to get some advice and explain to them exactly what he is like. He is abusive and sounds totally irrational!! Please make that call. Hugs x

Mitzimaybe · 02/11/2018 15:15

You are not a failure. You are not a waste of space. You sound like an absolutely brilliant mum and did far more than most mums for Halloween.

He is an abusive, violent apology for a man who does nothing but made you miserable. You deserve better than this. Please start making plans to leave him. Contact womens aid - they can help you through this.

Windycindy · 02/11/2018 15:16

What do you want from this thread OP?

Do you want practical advice?

Do you just want to share and be heard?

Do you want to hear from others who have been in a similar place and who can share their story?

I think it's important to be clear what you need at the moment.

Karrwomannghia · 02/11/2018 15:17

There is a way out. You don’t have to put up with this, honestly. Leave now while the kids are young. You’ve been so strong putting up with him you can do this you really can and it will be worth it. Use your strength to build you and your kids a better life now. Don’t believe all the horrible stuff he’s said to you.
First, decide it’s over, then talk to a trusted friend and CAB and make a plan. There is a much better way out.

xJune88 · 02/11/2018 15:17

Oh my god please leave the prick and take your children with you. None of you are safe with a nasty man like that! Hope you are ok please leave even if it's to a hotel, friends or bnb whilst you make a proper plan x

xJune88 · 02/11/2018 15:18

And yes you did an amazing Halloween and went above and beyond! What a nasty shitty man. X

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/11/2018 15:19

You are in a dangerous situation. He knows he's got you over a barrel and now the physical abuse has started again too. He smiled because you weren't bruised? Sick fucker.

I know you feel totally helpless but I promise you you're not. He's just worn you down to the point where you feel worthless.

He is beyond contempt.

Which country are you in? If in the UK, please call Women's Aid. You can leave and you do have rights. Please do not let you children grow up watching this monster bullying you and have them thinking this is what a 'normal' relationship looks like.

How old are you and how long have you been together?

If he pulls any of that shit again, call the police straight away.

Ginger1982 · 02/11/2018 15:19

You need to leave. Please don't allow your kids to grow up thinking this is normal.

Karrwomannghia · 02/11/2018 15:20

You can leave as a sahm. Don’t let him tell you any different. Have you got and friends or family you can go to straightaway? Would he leave if you told him to?

YelenaSabra · 02/11/2018 15:24

OP, just to let you know his behaviour is terrible and definitely abusive. We are all here for you

Original poster

Deerstalker · 02/11/2018 15:27

Thank you all.

I have no one. My family are not very ‘hands on’, never have been and that’s why I’ve always tried so hard for my dcs to have what I didn’t (The irony!).

I’ve no where to go, no one to call on for help. My choices are stay, leave and lose my home and dcs. I feel totally and utterly defeated.

To the person asking what I want or need from this thread....

Part of me wants and needs validation that this isn’t normal. Part of me wants and needs some advice on what the hell to do....I can’t see any way out. I’m a strong person but this has been going on for 15 years. I’ve fianlly reached a stage where I know it isn’t going to change and that I can’t go on like this for much longer because I’m going to end up not wanting to be here anymore 😔

OP posts:

Littlegoth · 02/11/2018 15:30

This makes me so sad, I wish I could give you a hug. You deserve so much better x

Windycindy · 02/11/2018 15:31

Part of me wants and needs validation that this isn’t normal. Part of me wants and needs some advice on what the hell to do....I can’t see any way out.

I think you've already received some of that validation. What does it mean to you?

This sounds so tough for you. I can see that you have tried so very hard.

Karrwomannghia · 02/11/2018 15:33

It is going to change, you are going to change it.
I suspect he will refuse to leave so you might have to go on an emergency housing list or something. Do speak to women’s aid they can give you practical advice. Can you get your hands on any money at all?

Jayfee · 02/11/2018 15:34

Are you in the UK?

Karrwomannghia · 02/11/2018 15:36

There’s info on here www.singleparents.org.uk/information/housing/support-for-homeless-single-parents

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/11/2018 15:37

My choices are stay, leave and lose my home and dcs

You may lose your home but you will not lose your DCs. And you will gain your freedom.

It won't be easy but YOU CAN DO IT.

Even if you need to stay in a refuge and start again from scratch. YOU CAN DO IT.

I promise.

Alaria4 · 02/11/2018 15:37

OK OP.

This is not normal. Everyone here will tell you that.

Secondly, my advice is to leave

Contact woman's aid, as previously said. Report anything to the police.

I previously was in your position. I had nothing and no one. I contacted the police and I went to a refuge many miles away from my hometown.

That was a number of years ago and I wouldn't be sure if this is the process nowadays. But what I can say is phone Woman's Aid and do that now
They will be the best at advising you what to do in the practical senses.

You can do this. You are a strong person. You do not deserve to be treated this way and no matter what you do, it will never be good enough.

To any other non abusive person, you would be seen for what you are (which to me, after reading your previous posts, is a kind, caring, thoughtful, fun and loving person)

lifebegins50 · 02/11/2018 15:41

There will be a way to leave him, I promise.

First step is to know you deserve better amd make a decision to leave.

There is help to leave, it may not be easy but there are ways.
No one deserves this.

Welshheart · 02/11/2018 15:42

He's being an abusive twat. Saying it was "shit" throwing things at you.. Punching your arm?? As for the mother then she needs to be told to fuck off too. Don't allow yourself or your children to put up with this. He is turning it on you which is a known ploy of abusers to try to make you feel bad.
Get some support, stand up for yourself.
I was with an abusive man for 4 yrs & I've blocked a lot of it out, it has left me still with low self esteem /image etc.
Please do not let him treat you like this. Big hugs. X

Original poster

Deerstalker · 02/11/2018 15:45

Thank you everyone.

It’s like he’s taken all the bits of me that were independent and slowly got rid of them all. I realise I am now 100% financially dependent on him. I don’t have access to anything financially. I have nothing except the clothes on my back if I leave. I can’t put the dcs in that position. I feel like I have to put up with this until I can give them more than a temporary bed in a refuge and I have no means of even feeding them... they deserve so much more.

I’ve told dh to leave previously when he has done other things. He won’t leave. He has refused. He has also taken pleasure in telling me that if I leave he will ensure he officially has ‘nothing’ when child support is calculated so will not contribute more than pence to the dcs or their home/clothing etc.

OP posts:

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