Need a bit of support today

[Deerstalker]

So, Halloween came this week and as usual dh did absolutely nothing to contribute towards the event.

I don’t mind that he never contributes towards family events as I enjoy organising them, but I do mind him criticising what I do for us as a family (Every. Single. Time)

So, I did the following;

• bought nice Halloween outfits for dcs
• arranged to go pumpkin picking with dcs at one of the best pumpkin patches in our region (dcs loved it)
• decorated the house
• carved and decorated the pumpkins with dcs as dh didn’t want to join in.
• arranged for us to all go to a special interest event that both dcs love on Halloween morning
• bought tickets for dcs to go to a lovely Halloween party in the afternoon (dressed up in their outfits)

(I had also done a Halloween theme breakfast and lunch with special bowls, plates and napkins.)

Dh picked fault with everything and said it was all shit and that I should have made more effort and that I’d essentially done nothing and not made enough effort (?!?!)

I went to bed once dcs we’re asleep (one dc sleeps with us). Dh came up much later, put the light on to wake me up and started having a go at me because he couldn’t find the cat and that I should look for it (he has never taken any interest in the cat which we have had for 9 years). I eventually told him to get lost as it was clear he just wanted a row.

I turned away from him in bed and he punched my arm!

I asked him what the hell his problem was and he yelled that I was....I’m a crap wife etc....

I turned away and at that point he threw liquid all over me (saline solution for contact lenses). I started to cry and he mocked me. All this woke up dc who was in bed beside me. Dh went to sleep.

Dh is emotionally abusive which took me a long time to recognise as I thought abuse was always physical. He had episodes of physical abuse but I (thought) that was over after I called the police several years ago....I now realise he was emotionally abusing me to.

Now it looks like he is back to his old ways. I can’t leave as I have no one and nowhere. I am a sahm and have no access to funds etc.

I realise I’ve been tricked into this life as he isn’t always like this (obviously). He knows I’m trapped.

I feel so stupid.

After all this he constantly tells me I’m abusing him (?) and make him miserable because I’m so abusive - his mother is awful too and so I have both of them telling me how shit I am.

I’ve recently started thinking the only way out is for me to not be around anymore. I feel so hopeless. Then I see my children and I feel so guilty - for them being born into this and for me contemplating being away from them which would leave them with those psychologically abusive bastards.

I feel totally helpless.

Would it be helpful to share a little about your housing arrangements, finances and any police involvement in the past?

Right now you're in a state of anxiety and fear. fear of the unknown, fear of the life you have now being turned upside down, fear of losing the children.

But could it be any worse than the situation you're currently in?

He's a thug, a bully, cruel, manipulative and spiteful, how much longer can you deal with that?

The children are taking it all in, this means certain mental health issues for them if you stay.

You are incredibly unhappy and miserable, so much so, you're thinking of suicide.

So, again, could it be any worse?

The answer is NO.

If you leave, and sort out alternative accommodation for you and the children (Womens Aid will help you through all this) then for all the upheaval and stress, you won't have to tolerate being physically and emotionally abused, you'll be able to sleep at night, relax, feel good about yourself. Your kids will not be living in a war zone.

Baby steps, it doesn't have to happen immediately, get al the advice you can and then have a plan. That alone will start to make you feel better.

And what you write is precisely what he has done to you; he has diminished and belittled you into the hole he has dug for you now. Am I surprised to see his own mother is the same; no I am not. Like mother, like son.

You will not lose your DCs if you leave; abusive men utter such threats to keep their chosen target, in this case you, in line. Such men more often than not refuse to leave too; you will need to employ legal means to get him out of your life and you could well need an occupation order. He is no different really from any other abusive man; he has come out exactly with the same crap other abusive men use on their victims.

Do call Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations; they can and will help you and your kids here. They certainly cannot grow up thinking that yes this is how men treat women. You would not want this relationship for them as adults either and its not the relationship you should be in now.

Please leave. We went to a Salvation Army hostel with nothing when we were children. Better to be out and safe. Put your children first. They won't thank you for a horrible childhood staying with an abusive dad.

He is telling you all of this rubbish you to frighten you into staying.

It’s like he’s taken all the bits of me that were independent and slowly got rid of them all.

Yep, that's what these bastards do.

I feel like I have to put up with this until I can give them more than a temporary bed in a refuge and I have no means of even feeding them... they deserve so much more.

Trust me, your children deserve to have a happy Mother who isn't walking on eggshells the whole time. Or being whacked in the arm. How do they react when their Father is treating you like shit? I bet you they will be happy to be out of it.

There is (sadly) a reason that these refuges exist. They are for women in exactly your position. Your children will not be allowed to go without food. You will be entitled to benefits.

What does your H do for a living? Is he out of the house during the day? I'm trying to think of ways you can access financial information and/or funds. Is it all online? Do you have a separate bank account? Could you open one?

For example, who does the child benefit get paid to?

My god.... what an arsehole... there r accountants out there that will be able to find his money no matter how good he thinks he has hidden it. Start hiding a bit of money and then get out. He will have to pay out to u in the end u cant live like that. U sound great i am a stay at home mum. Made very little effort last min pumpkin and outfit from morrisions loool my partner would not have the front to tell me i was shit x

By the way, @Deerstalker, you've already taken your first step, by posting on here and opening up to us. So well done you for that.

Just keep taking baby steps and keep talking to us. You will receive so much help and support on here.

So sad to read your thread.

Good advice to contact Women’s Aid and see what help you could get - even if you don’t act on it today at least you’ll know what’s there.

If you decide to stay could you squirrel away a little money for the future?

I’m in a very different position but I also have young DC’s and a horrible husband. I’m getting my ducks in a row but it’s hard to make that final decision as I feel guilty about the DC’s but I know I will regret my life if I stay. Hard to write that and accept it, but it is true. I’m squirrelling away money, getting financial advice & looking longingly at properties on Rightmove!

Best of luck to you OP, but NEVER think you cannot leave. You write well, are clearly intelligent & can have a very different, very wonderful, happy future ahead for you & DC’s. It’s the first steps that will be the hardest

If you are in the UK you will be able to apply for benefits . Also, please contact Women’s Aid who will support you .

Dont let this cunt wear u down

You must have access to some money as you bought the outfits and tickets. Could you ask for more than you need for example food shopping and save it.

Yes just put a little away it will add up

Your posts are so upsetting OP, I can't believe that people can be so sadistic and cruel.

Contact womens aid op, they will be able to help you if you want to leave.

Bless you Op, he sounds like an absolute bastard. I read SO many posts on MN from women like yourself, ground down by so called men who get pleasure from abusing their wives. The line in your post when you say he checked you for bruises and smiled made me shudder. Please leave him and make your children's lives better, they must know how hateful he is

You called the police on him once before you can do it again. I have been in a very similar position punched kicked hit with a rolling pin on my ankles and knees. I once ran down the street barefoot to get away. I have laid in bed dreading the sound of him coming upstairs scared he would wake his child and she would be upset so I would keep quiet.
But eventually I didnt recognise myself anymore I was ill because of the abuse 9 months pregnant and when I went into hospital to have our baby it was like a heaven sent opportunity to leave. He made threats I ignored them and guess what he never carried them out.
Your post makes me so sad for you and your children and please believe me when I say its going to be soooo hard. But one day you will go to bed to sleep and not be afraid anymore and its amazing. 16 years later I cannot even believe I ever put up with it and I would be heartbroken if my daughter ever did. Find your inner strength its there and please dont leave those kids. Reach out to your doctor, a neighbour womens aid the samaritans anyone. People will help you I promise.

Thank god you married him, because now you can divorce him and have a financial share.

I had no friends to confide in when I wanted to leave abusive exh. I confided in some neighbours who were Jehova's witnesses. The dw helped me pack, the dh hired a van and helped me move. My dgm who lived far away loaned me bond /deposit and I left when exh was at work. He didn't think I would really do it.
I did, managed on benefits, made a new life, you can do it too op.
Xxx

My heart goes out to you as I have found myself in similar situation just a few months ago. Do you have a Womens Aid near you? Google a refuge or advice line near you. They are brilliant and gave me some really helpful advice. Also, google narcissistic abuse and read as much as you can about it. Knowledge is power and these things really opened my eyes and helped me to find the strength to leave and start to heal. Another good place for advice is "The rights of women". As a victim of abuse you will also be entitled to legal aid if you can prove abuse. Get yourself to your GP and tell them about it. If you need medication to help you cope with the anxiety and depression that comes with the emotional impact on yourself get some. Your children are being damaged by such a toxic environment (and this is from first hand experience). You are so much stronger than he has made you believe and after just two months of leaving my abusive husband I already feel calmer, stronger and more peaceful. It was worth it! Just remember to keep yourself safe and delete all browsing history etc. Good luck, you can do this!

This guy is a psychopath OP, get out in whatever way you can, do call the helplines

My goodness: what a sad, insecure, scared little man your 'D'H is!
He can't cope with the wonderful, smart, orgainised, independent woman that you so clearly are, so he has to bring you right down to sooth his own insecurities.
You need to get in touch with WA -Report to the police - this is abuse. You have great strength, power, love for your DC and organisation skills in your favour; you can do this
Your children will be so much happier away from the lessons they are learning from this person and possibly idolise as they grow. You can do it OP. You have the strength of a million of 'him'......be free and happy

Do not give this man another day. Your children would prefer to temporarily live in a refuge with a happier and safe mum than another day with this man.

Please contact Women's Aid. They are truly amazing. I had an injunction against my husband in a week. We relocated and love where we live.

You will be ok. The children will thrive.

Thank you so much for all your kind words and support. None of what happened has been mentioned since. Nothing. It’s like it either didn’t happen or if I mention it he will start off again and blame me.

The up and down behaviour, being upset and pulled apart by him on a daily basis is all I’ve known for years. It sounds mad but it’s almost like it’s normal for this relationship now. He keeps telling me I’m emotionally abusive and I have to stop and ask myself....but hes description is what he is doing, not me. Everything gets twisted around so it’s all my fault.

The children adore him. They know no different and he comes off as very much the perfect dad, perfect family man and friend to everyone else.

I feel like I’ve been systematically ripped to bits - by him and also by his mother who incidentally also has the ‘perfect’ outward persona.

If I told anyone, NOONE would believe it 😔

• what I mean is, he is so careful to be perfect in the eyes of everyone else that no one would believe me over him. He treats me so badly and I’m so dejected at times that all the neighbors, friends etc see is a hardworking man doing his best and being lovely and helpful.....whilst his wife looks like a frumpy, miserable mess and must be such hard work for him to ‘put up with’

He’s so careful of his image, just like his bloody nasty bitch of a mother

....and yes, I do look frumpy and miserable, but that’s because I’m comfort eating so am overweight, and because I’m run ragged doing everything for the children/him and in the house on my own, because I’m still up through the night with our youngest (both were ebf so he never had to do a nightfeed or a tap with either child) and finally, because I’m constantly told how shit I am.