Need a bit of support today

[Deerstalker]

So, Halloween came this week and as usual dh did absolutely nothing to contribute towards the event.

I don’t mind that he never contributes towards family events as I enjoy organising them, but I do mind him criticising what I do for us as a family (Every. Single. Time)

So, I did the following;

• bought nice Halloween outfits for dcs
• arranged to go pumpkin picking with dcs at one of the best pumpkin patches in our region (dcs loved it)
• decorated the house
• carved and decorated the pumpkins with dcs as dh didn’t want to join in.
• arranged for us to all go to a special interest event that both dcs love on Halloween morning
• bought tickets for dcs to go to a lovely Halloween party in the afternoon (dressed up in their outfits)

(I had also done a Halloween theme breakfast and lunch with special bowls, plates and napkins.)

Dh picked fault with everything and said it was all shit and that I should have made more effort and that I’d essentially done nothing and not made enough effort (?!?!)

I went to bed once dcs we’re asleep (one dc sleeps with us). Dh came up much later, put the light on to wake me up and started having a go at me because he couldn’t find the cat and that I should look for it (he has never taken any interest in the cat which we have had for 9 years). I eventually told him to get lost as it was clear he just wanted a row.

I turned away from him in bed and he punched my arm!

I asked him what the hell his problem was and he yelled that I was....I’m a crap wife etc....

I turned away and at that point he threw liquid all over me (saline solution for contact lenses). I started to cry and he mocked me. All this woke up dc who was in bed beside me. Dh went to sleep.

Dh is emotionally abusive which took me a long time to recognise as I thought abuse was always physical. He had episodes of physical abuse but I (thought) that was over after I called the police several years ago....I now realise he was emotionally abusing me to.

Now it looks like he is back to his old ways. I can’t leave as I have no one and nowhere. I am a sahm and have no access to funds etc.

I realise I’ve been tricked into this life as he isn’t always like this (obviously). He knows I’m trapped.

I feel so stupid.

After all this he constantly tells me I’m abusing him (?) and make him miserable because I’m so abusive - his mother is awful too and so I have both of them telling me how shit I am.

I’ve recently started thinking the only way out is for me to not be around anymore. I feel so hopeless. Then I see my children and I feel so guilty - for them being born into this and for me contemplating being away from them which would leave them with those psychologically abusive bastards.

I feel totally helpless.

They will believe you and you looking like that will probably make them believe you even more as I would wonder what was making you so unhappy if everything was outwardly perfect. The children are young they wont pick up on it now but they will eventually especially if their sleeping in your bed. You sound angry thats good find the anger let it build. Why should he and his mother get away it dont let them. Leave today, tommorow next week call womens aif and make a plan. Find your strength you can do it.

I promise you that those who work with him will not think he's the perfect man. Narcs are easy to spot if you've dealt with them before, and many have. Of course the neighbours will think he's a lovely man because they barely interact with him.

But what other people think is totally irrelevant, it's what you think, how you feel. They are expert manipulators, they will twist every word to suit their own reality. They don't care how much they are hurting you because being able to bully and demean you makes them feel better about themselves.

The kids may adore their father but as they get older they'll begin to resent him, and wonder why you've tolerated the abuse for so long, never mind the toxic atmosphere, whether you think they are aware of it r not, I promise they will be.

Oh bless you. I absolutely feel your pain having been there. Unless you have been the victim of abuse you have no idea how it erodes your sense of reality, self esteem and leaves you with no energy other than to get.to the end of another day. For anyone who has no first hand experience of this .. reserve judgement. These men are master manipulators and I regularly thought I had some sort of mental disorder as they twist reality. I am in my second month of no contact other than arrangements for the children. In a way, I have been lucky ... I found out he had regularly been using escorts and i think he is so frightened i will expose his disgusting secret and lose his kids and the false persona he has created for his family and business associates that he has rolled over and given me exactly what I need to manage. I wish I could give you the big hug you clearly need and tell you "You got this!"

Fyi, my doctor was amazing and believed me.

Op please listen to the wise people of MN! You can leave him...... your Dcs do not care about a house, or things, they just need you to be oK, GO WHEREVER YOU CAN TO BE SAFE.

He is a vile bully who will never carry out his threats, as like all bullies he is pathetic underneath....

The fact he cares so much what people think is your weapon...just think about how you can use it. Start to hate him for all he is done to you, really hate him, let it grow, and use it to give you strength.

Women's Aid will believe you. They'll have seen his type before. And they will help you get out. Honestly, your kids are better off living anywhere with you that's not with this abuser. They will be happier and safer. Ring when you are able and ask them to help you get out.