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Original poster

AIBU being annoyed at my sister for bringing her new partners child to grandparents whenever my DS is there?

70 replies

bet9d · 02/11/2018 14:20

Hi! I really need some advice, my DH is sort of in agreement, and i'm struggling to speak to Grandparents over it because however I say it, it makes me look like an a**hole.

My 19 yr old sister has a new partner, who has a child. The kids are about the same age so they do play really nice, but I feel like my sister is trying push a grandparent relationship, and my mum has started buying 2 of everything (one for the other child, one for my son) and there has been a few occasions where they've said 'let's take the kids here..' etc.. am I being unreasonable for getting my back up?

It's a brand new relationship, the child has her own grandparents & my ds isn't getting to spend any quality time with his grandparents because my sister now brings her partner and his child over whenever he's there. It's breaking my heart as my son doesn't know any better at the moment, but my mum has started playing 'grandma' and I'm finding myself being very cold, and stopping my ds from going round!

OP posts:
Needsmorebeans · 02/11/2018 14:31

Stopping your ds going round is punishing your child for your feelings. You said yourself that he doesn't see it as an issue currently. I would have a word with your dm. I think it may appear unreasonable but i think your feelings are natural too.

QueenofallIsee · 02/11/2018 14:34

I think you are being a bit unreasonable - your Mum being welcoming to another child isn’t diminishing her love for yours! People opening their home and hearts to a child is no bad thing at all

Loopytiles · 02/11/2018 14:38

It’s your sister’s new boyfriend, not partner.

I think your sister and mum are both showing dubious judgment, you would not be unreasonable to be concerned about that or not to want to spend time playing “happy families” with this man.

But you are being precious about your DS, who is still spending time with his grandmother and enjoys the other child’s company.

Howhot · 02/11/2018 14:38

Your being very precious. It sounds like your mum is a very loving person, the type of person you'd want your DC around surely? Why is it not quality time if another child is there?? I don't think there's anything wrong with 1 on 1 time either, why don't you invite your mum out?

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 02/11/2018 14:40

I can understand why you feel a little put out but I would say it's one of those situations where you need to keep your feelings hidden.

At some point your sis is likely to have her own child anyway so it's not like your DS is never going to have to share his Grandparents

Its really up to your parents what relationship they wish to forge with the child and you won't be thanked for interfering

choli · 02/11/2018 14:43

OP you sound very very jealous. What would you say to your mother? "You are not allowed to be nice to any other child but mine"? Why is the time spent with his grandparent not quality time because it is not one on one?

It seems like the only one with an issue is you.

Sparklerfizz · 02/11/2018 14:46

Oh I think I would have issue with this but for slightly different reasons than you.
The relationship is new and your dsis is only 19. Chances are it may not work out as a married living happily ever after story. It may. But then it may not.
I would be unhappy about my ds getting introduced to a new partner so early on in the relationship, never mind being so close with all of the new partners family.
If the relationship doesn’t work out where does it leave your ds?

So this brings me to your child, If the relationship breaks down between your dsis and her partner, your ds will feel as though he has lost a cousin.

I think everyone should be being a bit more cautious and slow things down.
You are right to have concern. If it was me I would insist on my parents seeing my son seperarely at least some of the time, as I wouldn’t want ds to view this child like a equal cousin when the relationship and whole dynamic could be taken away from him.

Santaisgettingbusy · 02/11/2018 14:49

I get you op. Whenever I went to ils, sil was there /arriving - her house was in view. My dc never had a chance of a decent relationship with their gps.
Change your visits, Yanbu ime /o.

BackforGood · 02/11/2018 14:52

Yes, YABU.

How is it not a nice time for him to have a little friend to play with when at Grandma's ? Confused

It's breaking my heart

Over dramatic, much ? Hmm

Trinity66 · 02/11/2018 14:53

I think you're being really really petty

Joysmum · 02/11/2018 14:54

my ds isn't getting to spend any quality time with his grandparents because my sister now brings her partner and his child over whenever he's there

But if her had a sibling he wouldn’t be getting a 1 to 1 relationship with his grandparents either.

This is your jealousy.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 02/11/2018 14:54

She’s only being pleasant to the child and trying to include he’s not calling her grandma.

Sparklerfizz · 02/11/2018 14:54

BackForgood he dsis Is In a new relationship.
What about if it breaks up soon and the other child has been treate a cousin I.e attending all days out, same gifts from granny etc?
Then her little boy will loose a cousin because adults have taken things so quickly in terms of introducing the other child to the family.

Gingerlover2 · 02/11/2018 14:59

Your Mum sounds lovely, she clearly enjoys having children around and it gives her, and the children, pleasure.

In this day and age when marriages barely last five minutes, to judge someone on the fact they're young and inexperienced is a little backward. The only person here is upset is you and you're projecting your envy on to your son who will learn that it's not OK to be happy if Mummy gets upset.

Notacluewhatthisis · 02/11/2018 14:59

Yabu. Totally.

I don't get people saying the child will miss the kid if ops sister relationship fail. Kids have other kids come in and out of their lives all the time.

Fwiw, my best friend has kids around my son's age. My Dp is my best friends brother. So my bf mum is also my MIL. She totally treats my son as one of her grandkids. I treat my best friends kids as my niece and nephew. If me and Dp split up, that will remain the same.

If I am buying sweets, I buy for all three. So does my bf, my Dp and MIL.

Non of this means anyone loves the kids less. And if your sisters relationship lasts, it's great that the child is seen as part of the family. What would you do if your sister had a baby?

anitagreen · 02/11/2018 15:03

Ooh your really jealous aren't you? That's all I get from this post I'm sure there are other days you could go round there without telling your sister?

BackforGood · 02/11/2018 15:04

What about if it breaks up soon

What if ?
He might ask the next time he goes but life moves on very quickly when you are little. You play with who is there, and if they aren't there, then you crack on without them. No issue.

Santaisgettingbusy · 02/11/2018 15:05

Yet on here it's preached to make sure you have one to one time with each dc.
Does that not apply to gps then?

Original poster
bet9d · 02/11/2018 15:22

Thanks for all the responses.

I completely agree with all the responses if i'm honest, this is extremely out of character for me. It isn't so much jealousy, as Sparklerfizz, it's hard when the relationship is on and off like a tap and I'm going to be the one picking up the pieces.

The breaking my heart bit, yes a little dramatic but when he see's his grandma doing the stuff she does with him, and he looks at me sad yes it does break my heart a little.
I am fully aware if my sister has her own children they will be sharing and I know that would not bother me one bit, I would love my ds to have cousins. It's just that I feel my son is being pushed out as my sister still lives at home, so her new boyfriend and child are always round there now, and my son doesn't get a chance to have quality time with his grandparents.

OP posts:
Time4change2018 · 02/11/2018 15:27

Invite your mom to yours so they get a little 121 time but don't diswade your mom from interacting with the other child. Its lovely your mom is open and generous of spirit to this child.

DDogMum · 02/11/2018 15:28

I'd feel more sorry for those children who quite possibly aren't getting quality time with their dad!

Greensleeves · 02/11/2018 15:30

Is there an element of the other child seeming to get more fuss/a different kind of fuss because she's a girl?

I think your feelings are totally understandable, but if the other child is going to be around indefinitely, you ill have to find a way to come to terms with them. Is your relationship with your mum up to having a conversation about it?

Original poster
bet9d · 02/11/2018 15:30

I'd feel more sorry for those children who quite possibly aren't getting quality time with their dad!

What does this have to do with anything? Me and DH spent lots of quality time with our DH, and my sisters new boyfriend has full custody of his daughter due to unforeseen circumstances, this has nothing to do with my original post.

OP posts:
WheresTheEvidence · 02/11/2018 15:31

How old are the children?

Original poster
bet9d · 02/11/2018 15:33

@Greensleeves Yeah i'm having a chat with my mum tonight, I am fully aware however I put this I sound jealous, petty and an all round cow but this has gone on for 2 months now & unfortunately I can't help the way I feel.

I think it's more the fact my sister is purposely pushing them to come when my ds is there, when before she had her new boyfriend she would never be around.

OP posts: