Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU being annoyed at my sister for bringing her new partners child to grandparents whenever my DS is there?

70 replies

bet9d · 02/11/2018 14:20

Hi! I really need some advice, my DH is sort of in agreement, and i'm struggling to speak to Grandparents over it because however I say it, it makes me look like an a**hole.

My 19 yr old sister has a new partner, who has a child. The kids are about the same age so they do play really nice, but I feel like my sister is trying push a grandparent relationship, and my mum has started buying 2 of everything (one for the other child, one for my son) and there has been a few occasions where they've said 'let's take the kids here..' etc.. am I being unreasonable for getting my back up?

It's a brand new relationship, the child has her own grandparents & my ds isn't getting to spend any quality time with his grandparents because my sister now brings her partner and his child over whenever he's there. It's breaking my heart as my son doesn't know any better at the moment, but my mum has started playing 'grandma' and I'm finding myself being very cold, and stopping my ds from going round!

OP posts:
Sisterlove · 02/11/2018 15:33

I agree with that above post. Invite your mum over to your house.

If I'm honest I'd be pissed off that my 19 year old sister was having a relationship with a man with a child in the first place.

Far too young to be dealing with that baggage, when she has options. I've got a DD your sisters age and I wouldn't be playing grandma in that situation.

Notacluewhatthisis · 02/11/2018 15:34

How old is your son that he look heartbroken, because his grandma is doing something with another child. You do get it doesn't matter to your child about wether this other child is blood related or not?

If your child us heart broken at this, what gonna happen if you have another child? Or your sister does? You might be fine with that another blood related child but your child won't. If I were you I would be working to tackle that. Is your child picking that up from you?

This just comes down to, the fact that this child isn't blood related.

choli · 02/11/2018 15:34

The breaking my heart bit, yes a little dramatic but when he see's his grandma doing the stuff she does with him, and he looks at me sad yes it does break my heart a little.

I agree with a PP:

The only person here is upset is you and you're projecting your envy on to your son who will learn that it's not OK to be happy if Mummy gets upset.

Notacluewhatthisis · 02/11/2018 15:35

Oh just want to add I would be a bit Hmm about your sisters relationship. But that not what's bothering you.

Greensleeves · 02/11/2018 15:35

I don't think you sound petty or horrible btw. These are completely natural feelings and this is the right place to express them.

choli · 02/11/2018 15:37

Yeah i'm having a chat with my mum tonight,

What on earth are you going to say to her?

Original poster
bet9d · 02/11/2018 15:37

The kids are only 2 so my ds doesn't understand he just loves playing.

@Sisterlove This is a whole different topic altogether which I completely agree with you, so do my parents but we aren't to judge if that's who she wants to be with. Don't get me wrong he's lovely and so is his child, but it's a lot to take on.

OP posts:
Original poster
bet9d · 02/11/2018 15:39

@Choli I'm just going to be honest with her, over a forum it's hard to get across the relationship my sister and her new boyfriend have. If they had been together a long time and it was serious then this would no cause for concern, but all my family know it isn't and my parents are investing a lot of feeling into it all which worries me too.

OP posts:
Musti · 02/11/2018 15:43

Your kid will enjoy having someone to play with. Get a life

MaisyPops · 02/11/2018 15:43

Your mum sounds lovely and is doing her best to make the boyfriend's child welcome. She might be going too far into adopted grandparent mode for such a new relationship though.

That said, i also have reservations about a child being introduced to a new girlfriend and suddenly having a new family thrust upon them when the relationship is new. For a child who must have (judging by the unforeseen circumstances comment) had enough upheaval in their life, this could actually cause more issues for the poor child.

I'm not sure what you can say to your mum though.

Original poster
bet9d · 02/11/2018 15:46

I don't know what i'm going to say if i'm honest, or whether I should say anything and just ride it out?

OP posts:
magoria · 02/11/2018 15:49

If it is a brand new relationship it is poor form and unfair on the child to be introduced to all and sundry when they may be out of their life again in another few months.

chestylarue52 · 02/11/2018 15:52

You need to get a grip.

The kids are only 2 so my ds doesn't understand he just loves playing.

You said it yourself. If your sister and her bf break up and your 2 year old says ‘where’s ’ you can handle it like you would any other 2 year old friendship - “ is playing somewhere else today, here have a chocolate button”.

This isn’t about concern for your child is it? You’re being jealous and petty.

LavenderBush · 02/11/2018 15:57

Have your parents come over to your place to see your DS one-to-one, instead of taking him to their place.

WhoWants2Know · 02/11/2018 15:59

Something in OP's posts sounds like the relationship is a bit tumultuous, in addition to being new?

Original poster
bet9d · 02/11/2018 15:59

@Lavenderbush

No not recently, they pick him up from nursery 1 or 2 days through the week then usually see him at the weekends, I do feel like i'm being jealous but I can't push down this annoying feeling!

OP posts:
brownjumper · 02/11/2018 16:05

Don't tell her when you are going then, or just turn up. Easy!

LavenderBush · 02/11/2018 16:11

Yeah, I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel this is a bit off. And I think your sister is wrong to push for the other kid to be treated as an equal 'grandchild' - if she was married to the child's dad, then fair enough, but this situation is very different. It's not really fair on either the kid or the grandparents. Maybe she is envious of your status as mother of the treasured grandchild who takes up her parents' time? Maybe she wants help with this kid or entertainment for him? Maybe she just wants to show off her shiny new toy?

But I don't think there's really anything you can do about it. It's your parents' choice what to do in their own house in their own time. Unfortunately you probably just have to suck it up. FWIW I think your DS will not suffer from this.

custardcream1000 · 02/11/2018 16:14

It doesn't matter what judgement you have of your sister introducing the child too early, that ships sailed.

If you were to break up with your oh and have a new relationship, how would you want your child to be treated? If you would be happy for your child to be treated differently to other children in the family, then air your concerns to your mum.

However, I suspect you would want your child to be welcomed into other families, whether this be friends, boyfriend's etc, so You should try to accept the situation for what it is - a group of people treating a tiny child fairly.

LavenderBush · 02/11/2018 16:14

Maybe having your parents come to you sometimes, rather than having your son go to their place, might be a way forward?

CrookedMe · 02/11/2018 16:19

You're being very silly with the 'when Grandma does stuff with the other kids he looks at me with such sad eyes' nonsense.

I was the 7th of 15 grandchildren. We were all loved equally, but none of us looked for or expected special attention.

This is about your jealousy, don't make it your sons problem.

CrookedMe · 02/11/2018 16:21

Wow, just read your later posts.

Are you honesty going to ask your mum to give less attention to a 2 year old to spare your feelings?? Are you very very young OP? 

twattymctwatterson · 02/11/2018 16:22

I really don't think you should say anything. You are being very unreasonable and this IS about jealousy and wanting your DS not to have "competition". Honestly you'll only come off badly and put your DM in a difficult position. Arrange to spend more time with your DPs away from their home if you really need your DS to have one on one time

Notacluewhatthisis · 02/11/2018 16:27

The kids are only 2 so my ds doesn't understand he just loves playing.

So you son doesn't look sad. It you projecting all this.

choli · 02/11/2018 16:33

It would make more sense to talk to your sister as she is the one bringing the other child around all the time. What do you expect your mother to do?