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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do I do? Dp acted like dick on night out

61 replies

Thewalker75 · 02/11/2018 14:00

Been with dp 5 years, 2 young dc, very happy.

We went out last night for the first time since before our eldest was born (so more than 2 years ago) so let our hair down a bit.

He got pretty drunk and at the end of the night we got separated. He then started texting me really weird stuff saying that he hated his life, that I was selfish and that he wanted to be single.

I just kept replying with things like 'where are You 'please come back etc I want going to engage with his ramblings until he was sober.

When we finally got reunited he was acting like he hadn't said anything so we went to bed and this morning I told him what he had done.

He was mortified and had no idea why he said those things to me it's not how he feels at all. He hasn't stopped apologising since.

I'm so upset and don't know what to do, we've never had anything like this we barely even argue so it's knocked me for six. I don't think i can ignore it but what can I do? They were horrible hurtful things he said and I feel like I should end things but that just seems so dramatic.

Can anyone help? Hope the above makes sense, I'm very tired (!) but I need to try and make sense of this.

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 02/11/2018 14:06

Have you shown him the texts?

Trinity66 · 02/11/2018 14:06

hhhmm I've said stupid stuff I didn't mean when drunk so me personally I'd probably give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe talk to him about where he thinks it might have come from though, maybe he feels a bit stuck in a rut with life what with having two kids in a short space of time and it ended up coming out badly when he'd drank too much? Sounds like you two haven't had alot of time for eachother over the last few years?

BundyLancroft · 02/11/2018 14:07

OP I'm sorry, but In Vino Veritas and all that.

The alcohol broke down his inhibitions which prevented him saying all this to you sober. Even if he doesn't accept them, they are his deep down thoughts and feelings. The only other explanation is that they aren't true and he just wanted to hurt you, but that seems highly unlikely given his apologies since. He seems sorry he hurt you, but these things would have come out at some point.

I think you need to have a chat with him and address these resentments and see if your relationship can be fixed.

Original poster

Thewalker75 · 02/11/2018 14:16

He has seen the texts, is adamant those aren't his true feelings as that was my opinion that when you're drunk the truth tends to come out, but he is flatly denying that he is unhappy with his life, says he adores me and the boys and can't contemplate a life without us.

I'm so confused.

OP posts:

planechocolate · 02/11/2018 14:17

Did anyone else have the opportunity to get hold of his phone at any point?

Peridot1 · 02/11/2018 14:18

There was a very similar thread and on here a while ago. I think he might have spoken rather than texted though.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 02/11/2018 14:23

I was going to say the same as planechocolate
Maybe one of his drunken friends thought it would be funny.

Original poster

Thewalker75 · 02/11/2018 14:24

No it was definitely him. When we got separated he went off by himself and got lost.

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/11/2018 14:25

I've done this

I got quite drunk accidentally on a night out with DP and sent him a load of rambly messages about how I'd give up kids to be with him etc.

He wants kids too and we intend to have them together so I have no idea where it came from... I didn't remember it at all until I saw it in my WhatsApp history the next day.

Talk to him. If he's adamant that he didn't mean it and his behaviour backs that up, I'd try and believe him.

NorthernRunner · 02/11/2018 14:26

Alcohol is a depressant.

It’s possible he doesn’t mean those things now, but perhaps he has felt them at some point?

Mookatron · 02/11/2018 14:27

God I'm not surprised you feel weird about it. I wouldn't leave him straight off though, just keep talking. Can you do some marriage counselling?

ThunderInMyHeart · 02/11/2018 14:28

I'm with Bundy

A drunk tongue speaks a sober mind

NuffingChora · 02/11/2018 14:31

I once declared my undying love for a male aquaintance to a friend in a bar, in full earshot of him, his twin... oh and his girlfriend. I had absolutely no feelings for him whatsoever, but drunk me decided to go for it anyway... When I had a flashback in the morning I was ABSOLUTELY mortified. So I do think that sometimes alcohol can cause you to come out with an astounding amount of shite...

tangoed2 · 02/11/2018 14:32

Sounds like he's just been a drunken idiot, not nice for you to read but I would take all the times you've lived a happy life together in to account before leaving over a few drunken messages.

Not everyone's "truth comes out when drunk" certainly the opposite for me!

Trinity66 · 02/11/2018 14:39

Not everyone's "truth comes out when drunk" certainly the opposite for me!

Same, I've talked some unbelievable shite when drunk at times :p

YelenaSabra · 02/11/2018 14:42

Hard to say. When I've been drunk, sometimes I've spoken the truth and sometimes absolute nonsense that has no baring in reality.

Hidingtonothing · 02/11/2018 14:44

The ‘in vino veritas’ thing can be true sometimes but it’s equally likely to be nonsensical drunken rambling ime. I’ve said (and known others say) things that are completely out of character, untrue and unrepresentative of my/their true feelings when drunk so I don’t think you can assume either way.

The big thing for me would be his reaction when sober, if there was any truth in the messages then surely he would take the opportunity to say so, even if it was phrased more gently in the cold light of day. If he was saying ‘no I didn’t mean it but.....’ and then giving a watered down version of the issues in the messages then I might be more worried there was some truth in it but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.

You will be feeling upset and knocked of balance OP, it’s horrible to have to read messages like that but I think I would give it a few days for things to settle before you try to properly assess what damage has been done. If he spends those few days reassuring you and making amends you may well feel a lot better about things.

M3lon · 02/11/2018 14:44

hmmm the whole 'drunken truth' narrative omits the fact that your brain is actually different when you have pickled yourself in alcohol then when you haven't.

You are likely to be speaking the truth of how you feel in the moment when drunk, but how you feel with a butt load of depressant in your system isn't likely the same as how you feel when you haven't.

I mean I'm sure there is truth in other drugs too...when people have overdone the special brownies, I'm sure they are telling you all about the spiders they can definitely actually see....but that doesn't mean the spiders are real...or that they can still see them when they come down again.

Equally when someone's high on heroin I'm sure they genuinely believe their life is fantastic...that is true for them in the moment...not so much in general though.

hello1233 · 02/11/2018 14:47

I'd laugh it off. He was drunk, had no idea what he was doing or saying and it does not reflect how he feels. I've talked some right shite when I've been drunk. Getting all dramatic for no reason whatsoever.

Let him make it up to you

Tinty · 02/11/2018 14:49

Didn't Britney Spears marry her one of her friends (a boy), but not her boyfriend when drunk in Vegas? I think it was annulled in about a week or something. I don't think everyone always speaks the truth when drunk.

Actually I barely drink, when I was younger my friends used to drink, I was always designated driver - my choice, god they used to talk absolute rubbish when they were drunk! .

Dahlietta · 02/11/2018 14:50

I also speak utter shit when drunk, and definitely not veritatem. I remember once when I was (much) younger mouthing off about how I didn't have any friends and hated everyone. To my friends. What a twat.

I do think it's possible that it was just utter bollocks. If it doesn't ring true with what you know of him and he is convincing that he doesn't feel that way, I would try to forget about it. I understand completely why you're upset though.

Escolar · 02/11/2018 14:50

I'm with the 'we all say things we don't mean after a few drinks' posters. Try to put this behind you OP.

Gabilan · 02/11/2018 14:51

When I'm drunk, the evil little self-sabotaging side of me gets to wander at large, self sabotaging, without sober, halfway sensible me to hold her back. If you've not had a night out in 2 years it could just be that. I'd talk about it in case there's something behind it, but I really wouldn't take it as gospel truth.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 02/11/2018 14:52

A little alcohol makes me happy and confident and too much makes me depressed and victimy. I imagine I have all kinds of woes which are everybody's fault but mine. I'd give him the opportunity to discuss how he feels in an open way but if he says he's fine I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

problembottom · 02/11/2018 14:53

I'd been with my DP a few years when we went to his industry do, he got stupidly drunk and when we got back to the hotel room at 5am told me he'd never fancied me and I was a pain in the arse. He promptly weed all over the room service trolley. He was absolutely mortified when I told him about these events the next day, once I managed to convince him they actually happened. I also told him if he acted like that again it was over.

We're still together five years later with a baby on the way and he's been impeccably behaved ever since so I don't think he meant it but maybe he's just been hiding his true feelings!

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