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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do? Dp acted like dick on night out

61 replies

Thewalker75 · 02/11/2018 14:00

Been with dp 5 years, 2 young dc, very happy.

We went out last night for the first time since before our eldest was born (so more than 2 years ago) so let our hair down a bit.

He got pretty drunk and at the end of the night we got separated. He then started texting me really weird stuff saying that he hated his life, that I was selfish and that he wanted to be single.

I just kept replying with things like 'where are You 'please come back etc I want going to engage with his ramblings until he was sober.

When we finally got reunited he was acting like he hadn't said anything so we went to bed and this morning I told him what he had done.

He was mortified and had no idea why he said those things to me it's not how he feels at all. He hasn't stopped apologising since.

I'm so upset and don't know what to do, we've never had anything like this we barely even argue so it's knocked me for six. I don't think i can ignore it but what can I do? They were horrible hurtful things he said and I feel like I should end things but that just seems so dramatic.

Can anyone help? Hope the above makes sense, I'm very tired (!) but I need to try and make sense of this.

OP posts:
Seaweed42 · 02/11/2018 14:55

Alcohol is a depressant and also, when you leave a nice warm space that you shared a good time with people, and go out onto a cold street and find yourself alone. Not only does a wave of alcohol hit you, but also a wave of separation anxiety and isolation can hit people.
I think you have to look at the circumstances of the separation and getting lost from each other. He was reacting to that quite probably.
If he was really really drunk, then his 'child self' could have been reacting to you because you 'let him get lost'. A bit like a child might be really angry with a Mum for losing him in a shop. Sort of 'you don't care about me!' 'Why did you lose me!' 'I hate you!' sort of thing. Or he could have been frightened of something happening to you, and is then admonishing himself for caring about someone enough that it hurts so badly when he got separated.
If he was single he could cope with being lost and have no responsibility.

kaitlinktm · 02/11/2018 14:57

I don't really drink, so probably am not qualified to say. All I know is that everyone who has said nasty stuff to me when drunk and then denied it has eventually been found to have been speaking the truth - sometimes a long time afterwards.

I try not to speak much to drunk people now - but you can't help getting texts.

CookPassBabtridge · 02/11/2018 15:04

I don't agree with the truth comes out when drunk, I think some people are like that and some talk utter shite and some get all dramatic. Though the situation is a bit weird, going off and getting lost and then sending you those specific texts..

Gabilan · 02/11/2018 15:05

This is interesting on alcohol as a depressant. It depresses the central nervous system - it doesn't necessarily make you depressed in the sense of having clinical depression/ low mood. (Though it might lead you there eventually!)

m00rfarm · 02/11/2018 15:10

It is total rubbish that being drunk brings out the truth. Absolutely rubbish.

Nonotmenori · 02/11/2018 15:11

I've done this before and I didn't mean what I sent. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

Vegetablegarden · 02/11/2018 15:13

I wouldn’t be escalating this tbh. He got separated and panicked. Felt really sorry for himself. You didn’t reply I take it so he panicked more.

Just have another night out and make it less crazy just a meal out you both?

GraceMarks · 02/11/2018 15:13

I have spouted a lot of drunken nonsense in my time, but have also sometimes been more honest about my feelings than I would have been sober. I wonder if your obvious mortification and horror over this has made him go into denial mode rather than admit that there is a grain of truth to these texts? I doubt if he really meant that his life is miserable and he wishes he was single, but perhaps the last couple of years of not really having much of a life outside of raising the kids has been less happy for him than he has let on. BTW, I'm not saying it's right or that he should have bottled it up and then blurted it all out in that particularly unpleasant way.

Can you have a non-blamey conversation with him and just say look, I know you don't remember sending those texts but did those thoughts really come out of nowhere or is there anything you want to get out of your system? I'm sure you have had some little everyday niggles that you'd like to air too, if you say you never argue usually.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 02/11/2018 15:23

When I'm drunk I talk absolute shite. I know it's shite at the time and I just don't care. If I got slightly annoyed with my husband I might say all sorts of really horrible things. They wouldn't be true, I'd just be wanting to upset him because I'm a mean drunk.

Fortunately I rarely drink and never get drunk any more! Thankfully I stopped getting drunk long before text messaging was available.

I wouldn't worry about it too much, OP. He probably just got in a drunken mood and spouted some shite because of it.

Original poster
Thewalker75 · 02/11/2018 15:25

Thanks all that's a really good point about him probably becoming anxious when we got separated. I will have a proper talk with him once the hangovers have gone to check he is happy with everything and take it from there.

OP posts:
feralfanny · 02/11/2018 15:29

I get it. You haven't been out together for years. You go for a night out, for him it feels just like his pre-children carefree life so he drinks like he did back then. But it isn't the same. He has responsibilities now and he realises that this night out is a one off … the more he drinks the more this pisses him off and his silly drunk fingers pick up his phone and let out what should have stayed in his head until he sobered up!
Obviously the next morning he has realised that this is all bollocks and he loves you and your kids and he is mortified.

Musti · 02/11/2018 15:36

I've said absolute nonsense when drunk and not how I felt at all.

Wotrewelookinat · 02/11/2018 15:42

Alcohol is a serious drug and affects brain function, and presumably he’s lost any tolerance he ever had for it if he hasn’t been out for 2 years. In your position I would accept that he didn’t mean it and give him another chance. And hopefully he’s learnt not to drink so much in future.

Original poster
Thewalker75 · 02/11/2018 15:44

I just feel like we can't go out again as I will just be worried this is going to happen every time now.

OP posts:
hamabr86 · 02/11/2018 15:48

No help but my DP was an utter twat this weekend so I feel your pain. He had the good grace to be ashamed in the morning and he thoroughly deserved how sick he was. I'd enjoy watching him suffer his hangover.

exWifebeginsat40 · 02/11/2018 16:02

what @gabilan said about alcohol being a depressant. it depresses your central nervous system.

having The Fear the next day isn’t depression in a clinical sense, neither is weeping on your boss at a conference night out about how kids have ruined your life.

for me, drinking definitely triggered and brought out my Child self (raised by alcoholics - wolves would have done a better job) and i felt vulnerable, small and not good enough. which i then massively over-compensated for by either being the mad irritating let’s-do-dangerous-things person, or the Nobody Likes Me Please Validate Me By Shagging Me person. nowt in between, and at the end all bets were off - the first drink was russian roulette and then it was chaos all the way down.

you know him best, OP. if it was out of character and he is mortified then this too shall pass. if it happens again and then more drastic action should be taken.

(i don’t drink any more!)

Trinity66 · 02/11/2018 16:03

I just feel like we can't go out again as I will just be worried this is going to happen every time now.

like a PP suggested, maybe just a meal and a glass our two of wine next time!

Adora10 · 02/11/2018 16:08

Mmmmm I’d imagine there must be some truth in his rambling, also think it was as a nasty thing to do and out of order drunk or not, I bet he chose to wander off too adding to your anxiety I’d be warning him if he behaved like that again I’d be taking him at his word.

kaitlinktm · 02/11/2018 17:26

It is total rubbish that being drunk brings out the truth. Absolutely rubbish

Not my experience as a listener to drunks - but it is what all the drunk people who have ever insulted me always say.

Pebblespony · 02/11/2018 17:31

I once wrote a letter to an order of nuns asking to join when I was drunk. It was not a reflection of my true feelings. (I posted it too. The mother superior wrote me a lovely letter in response).

lynmilne65 · 02/11/2018 17:33

Vino veritas total f ing bollox

NoMalone · 02/11/2018 17:57

I don't believe in vino veritas. In vino exaggerated maybe. So he was feeling a little glum about his lot in life, alcohol highlighted and expanded this and made it into bigger deal than it is and also maybe made him brave enough to bring it up. Don't hold it against him but maybe tackle what he's dissatisfied with. Especially mid apology so he can examine what prompted his tantrum and try to ensure he doesnt need to bring it up again.

He might need to be a bit more aware of how much he's drinking in future. I would never take someone's word while they are drinking and nor, i bet, would you OP, if he offered or promised you something outrageous while in his cups. You'd think "ya right, ill ask you again in the morning and see how generous you're feeling!!".

Onestep2 · 02/11/2018 18:11

Personally.... I talk THE biggest amount of shite when I'm drunk. 100% nothing to so with my sober thoughts. If I'm honest drunk me is an arsehole.

ohnothanks · 02/11/2018 18:19

People say all sorts of shit when drunk. Sometimes it is truth coming out, but often not and it is just word salad.

HopeClearwater · 02/11/2018 18:36

but In Vino Veritas and all that

Rubbish. Utter rubbish

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