Feeling bad - Age gap starting to show and i am resenting it

[musicboat]

I’m in my late 40s now, kids left home, DH is 15 years older and we’ve been together since I was 21. We still get on well and have a pretty good life. But the age gap is starting to really show and he is getting more dithery and just wants to stay home, but I still have lots of energy and ambition for work and personal goals he doesn’t want to share doing. I’ve always thought the age gap wouldn’t matter. He says he doesn’t want to hold me back from doing things. Thing is , although he is making an effort, I am starting to feel bad about relationship as there is nothing he can do to fix his age & health. I am starting to resent the situation as I miss us doing things together.
Is there anything we can do to fix things?

Do stuff together on a weekly basis! You must date your partner even when you're married as the relationship will just eventually die down 

Good advice ctahir - we do try to do things and still go to see music and have meals out. But he often complains he’s just not as young as he was and has no energy & we come home early. If we were going through the same stage together, maybe it would be easier, but i still want to enjoy life , and it makes me feel like we’re drifting apart.

Is he still working? Lots of people in their mid 60s are energetic and decisive.

yes he’s still working - but finding it an increasing strain. we’ve talked about him retiring, he can’t quite afford to yet and says he doesn’t know what he’d do with his time if he did

Do you want to stay in the relationship, or to get divorced, be single and/or free to date other people in the future?

Is your concern really his behaviour and the differences between you, or that given the age gap the risk of him becoming ill and you becoming his carer is higher than if he were your age?

Surely he's only early 60s though, seems young to be like this unless there's something wrong. Although saying that I'll prob be in your position in a few years and DH is the same age as me (50)... always saying how he's not getting any younger etc. Although he does have a very physical job that wears him out. It's frame of mind to some extent as well.

Does he work full time? Commute? Do you?

How early going home on a weekend evening out is “early”?

What kind of “personal goals” and activities do you want to do that you want him to join you in?

(Work things are individual IMO and don’t require a partner’s involvement other than encouragement and practical support, eg parenting DC, but yours are older).

I had a colleague in her 60s whose husband was much older. She had always WoH but his job had been the priority and she did more of the parenting and domestics. When he retired she really went for it with her job, including stints abroad, and eventually he became a “trailling spouse”. Worked well for them for 20 more years! He was lucky to have good health until his 80s mind you.

I would check his mind set out. I know lots of peeps in their 60's/ 70's that are lively and a 30 year old wouldn't keep up with them.

Yes he works full time and so do i, both in busy tech jobs, and our commutes are not too far. Now i have time i’ve lost a lot of weight and really getting into walking - i want to do long distance path walks to raise money for good causes - which will take a lot of time (weeks in some cases) . I want to share this experience - but he’s never been into walking and doesn’t enjoy it - for him an hour is a long walk. I understand this, and we talk about it but i’ve been putting my need to do this sort of thing on the back burner for years, and want to do it while i’m still energetic enough

You don't need to do everything with your partner. You need to find other people to do the walks with I do this as dh has never been into the same things as me. But make sure you still do things you both like together.

Im not sure the walking thing is age related really. You have a hobby you enjoy he doesnt enjoy it why should he come along. Im younger than you and I wouldnt want to accompany you on your walks either.

Do it alone or with a group?

Those kinds of “challenges” are personal, mainly about the individual (which is fair enough) and usually done alone. men and women I know who have done things like that have done it alone, apart from one whose partner did it with them, and she and her partner were both athletic having met through sport, early 30s and had free childcare from family on tap. DH ran marathons, whereas running was never my bag.

If he’s never been keen on walking it’s U to be irritated that he wouldn’t be willing/able to walk for days on end. Or is your concern more about his health / weight? (You mention your weight loss).

yes loopytiles there is more to it - you are perceptive. i do fear this is just the start of a slippery slope and while nothing is certain in life, i do woody if i could cope becoming his carer in future, whilst i’m still youngish. his health is starting to slide & like many men he refuses to do anything about it by taking excercise.

woody -> worry

my dad is the same age as your DH and full of life I'm early 20's he does WAAAY more than me! Walks holidays beer trails with friends 😂 are you sure your DH isn't unwell or (not to be rude) just getting lazy??

Perhaps he should see his GP for a check-up as he may have underlying health issues. My DH is 60 and has more energy than most 30 year olds. He ran his first marathon aged 47, I can't run to save my life, but I didn't mind the hours of training involved and he didn't mind me not joining him on his 20 mile training runs!

Regarding your worries about becoming his carer, that sounds rather callous to me. If you became ill or had an accident that meant you required someone to care for you, would you understand if your DH left you at that point or would you expect him to care for you?

TBH, I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. Presumably, when you were 21, you chose a 36 year old partner rather than someone your own age for a reason. And then you made those vows - for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health - remember.

A bit mean to benefit from a man’s best years and then be narked with him when they start declining.

He’ll probably have more energy to do stuff once he’s retired. In the meantime, I think you should pursue your own goals independently.

A lot of people do slow down in their 60s even if they have relatively busy lives and are still working. I see it with colleagues (well in teaching I can’t think of anyone I know still in the classroom over 60.)

I think age gap relationships do throw up more problems the older you get.

I think age gap relationships do throw up more problems the older you get. I agree, am always surprised that people insist the age gap will become less significant as you get older. I'm 49 and like lots of my female peers enjoying a late-career surge, a busier social life and the ability to do more things for myself now my children are a bit older. I've got male colleagues who are 10 or 15 years older, and while they're clever, interesting, active and in some cases very well-preserved, we're at completely different life stages.

It could be worth looking at it differently. Is he actually ready for a change in career rather than retirement?

If he's fallen out of love with his career it would he enough to drag him down, but at his age he might not think he has any choices. Especially if he does see you making changes but feels unable to himself.

Being in your 60s is very different these days. Talk to him about the big questions, see what he'd like to do next. If he can't quite afford to retire it means you're not struggling for money, just not quite secure. It could be time to look for a new challenge, one that suits him.

He's only early/mid 60s! Not far off my age and I'm certainly not coming home early.

You do sound a bit selfish tbh. But there could well be more to this than meets the eye.

You say you've been 'held back for years' re walking - why is that? It's strange to assume you do everything together - is that how it's always been between you?

Its annoying OP but what can you do about it really? Maybe just forget doing things with him and try to do things alone or with friends? I'll be in the same situation at your age so I've thought about it a lot. Yes I would have liked marry someone my own age but unfortunately no one like that was offering.

Just wanted to chip in and say that I don't think you're being selfish, in wanting to get out more and do things. I didn't have an age gap with stbx dh but he resented me jumping back into my career and taking up new 'young' hobbies once the DCs were self sufficient. I'd put my own interests on the back burner while H had worked. Hopefully you can convince him to look at the bigger picture and at least not hold you back? I'm loving life now, but more recently as single. No man around and I can do as I please, and as a bonus H has found someone else and they seem well suited.

I don't think you are being selfish either. I am in a similar position but with younger DCs and my H has been a SAHP (took v early retirement) for 15 years. We used to be fantastic together but I now find myself shackled (and, yes it is harsh but that is how it feels) to a pathetic old man who rarely wants to do anything, moans about just about everything without doing anything to fix it, whines about not feeling well but won't eat sensibly or do any exercise. The 18 years age difference used to feel like nothing but it is now an un-crossable chasm where we are both at very different points of our life and nothing I suggest to make it better makes any difference. He is quite content to do the bare minimum. He isn't interested in fixing it. If yours is like that I don't know what you can do - it takes both parties to want to change things. In your position, I would call it a day. My DCs are too young for me to walk away from - as the working parent I have been advised that I would be very likely not to get custody since H is the SAHP and I am not prepared to risk that.

Hmm, presumably there were a lot of advantages to being with an older man in terms of financial stability? I'm not sure about only being there for the good times and ditching him once it gets tough.

I'm a bit conflicted about this though as I have a progressive disability and a super active DH. I just let him get on with what he wants hobby wise and do my own thing. I've told him he can walk if he wants to. So far he insists he is perfectly happy and has a great life and my physical limitations are something to work around rather than a dealbreaker.