Feeling bad - Age gap starting to show and i am resenting it

[musicboat]

I’m in my late 40s now, kids left home, DH is 15 years older and we’ve been together since I was 21. We still get on well and have a pretty good life. But the age gap is starting to really show and he is getting more dithery and just wants to stay home, but I still have lots of energy and ambition for work and personal goals he doesn’t want to share doing. I’ve always thought the age gap wouldn’t matter. He says he doesn’t want to hold me back from doing things. Thing is , although he is making an effort, I am starting to feel bad about relationship as there is nothing he can do to fix his age & health. I am starting to resent the situation as I miss us doing things together.
Is there anything we can do to fix things?

No one is obliged to stay with anyone! If in due course OP decides to end the relationship for whatever reason that’s fair enough.

“you made those vows - for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health - remember”. OP may not have married in church or said those vows - I didn’t. And nigh on 50% of marriages end in divorce anyway!

A significant illness, health problem or disability puts a massive strain on any relationship. None of us can know what we can handle until it comes to it.

I know people of different ages who have ended relationships largely over their partner’s poor self care (eg alcohol, obesity, smoking)

You need to talk about this - having hobbies and friends you can spend time with when he would prefer to stay home works well for many couples.

I don't think it's the age gap, it's the moaning, complaining, mithering. That can happen at any age.

My NDN was a bit like that in his early sixties. He switched to a part-time job. Still 25 hours a week but he always gets a 3 or 4 day weekend to recharge, less hands on, more consulting/advising type thing. Spends more time with the grandkids, walks in the park, teaching them football skills. Volunteers in the local hospital too.

Also does more in house/garden diy wise and he feels for the first time in years that he’s on top of things so he can relax when he sits down, it’s not weighing to top of him all the things he wants to get round to but doesn’t ever quite manage.

He’s like a new man, it’s taken years off him. He’s chatty and happy when we talk across the garden fence now.

Not to derail the thread, but @JanetLovesJason I am really hoping you and NDN are both single? I have this lovely image of a relationship blossoming over the garden fence as grumpy old man transforms into a sprightly silver fox!

Oh @DontCallMeDaisy nothing like that at all! I’d never cheat on Jason with Michael if that’s what you mean.

In all seriousness though, we’re both married. He was really nice to me when my dad died. But now he’s got some time for himself, he’s just like that, talks to a lot of people in the village. Bit of a pillar of the community.

This is not about you wanting to throw yourself into your walking hobby , @musicboat

You could do that no problem

This is about you starting to decide that you want out of the relationship

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. As I put in the subject, I am really feeling bad about this situation. This is starting to help me sort my head out. I know I probably shouldn’t feel resentful, as there are lots of good things in my life. I do realise there is a selfish element to this though - which is exactly why i’m asking for help ! It really does feel like a bit of a crossroads (or third midlife crisis) at the moment. I really still love DH am trying to face up to the realities of how things are going so I can be honest with him and myself. DH and I are talking about this, but i am treading very gently with him as he could be so easily crushed by this. @JamieFraserskneewarmer your perspective was very honest - hope you stay strong & find light for yourself too

A bit mean to benefit from a man's best years and then be narked with him when they start declining

Equally, you could say that her DH benefited from dating an attractive young 21yo when he was 36yo. He must have been aware that this might happen in the future, but was willing to take that risk rather than looking for a partner closer to him in age. And it doesn't sound like he's made an effort to keep himself mentally and physically 'young' so that they stay well matched.

Could you share the walking long distances to raise money thing by encouraging him to help by organising fundraising, publicity, help plan the overnight stops, receive photos from you along the walks and make a blog/FB updates of the trip - where you are what you've seen etc, and encourage further fundraising while you are still walking? All stuff he can do at home but still be involved.

Did you discuss the implications of the age gap earlier in your relationship? What did you agree? I dont mean this unkindly, but you knew this was coming. what were your plans?

Hmm. It's not like this situation wasn't obviously signposted.

I lost my DH when we were both 50, I'd do anything to have him back. I totally agree with AnyFucker.
To me you come across as selfish, assuming you took the traditional wedding vows, if I was you I'd have a good long think about what you're saying. My children were aged between 16 and 23 when DH died, how would your children feel if they knew that was the way you feel about their DF.

Mirren I am sorry for you loss when you say "when we were both 50" do you mean that you were both the same age? If so then you haven't been through the experience of the OP - there is simply no comparison.

Jamie Obviously I haven't, however the point I was making is that I would give anything to have DH back, and OP should think how she'd feel if he wasn't here. FWIW, I now at 55 have a DP of 66, my parents had 10 years between them, my DF passed away when he was 59. PP, on reading back the thread, have also made similar points to mine re marriage vows, also some PP have agreed with OP. Everybody is different, which is what makes life interesting.

Maybe he could cut down to 4 days?

Your walking interest is an issue. He wasn't really interested before. Not a crime. Join a walking club. Make friends With a female who really likes going on such a long walks.

Then do all the nice other bits that you want to do with DH : go and have lunch at a Michelin star restaurant in London, go to the shard, or whatever it is that you want to do.

Sounfs ro me as though the energy/fitness/self care gap is bothering you, which would be a problem anyway if your ages were closer, but I can imagine him being in his early/mid 60s really brings home the fact that he could soon be quite impaired, not because of his age so much as his lack of self-care. I am in my early 60s and seriously keeping fit probably takes an hour each day- I walk, runn, swim and cycle, partly for myself, but partly because I have a younger partner and had dcs late so want do it for thwm - and to be able to do things with them.

I think allowing yourself to become unfit mentally/physically/emotionally if you have the means to tackle it is unfair on the people who love you.

I would say you need to talk about whether he wants to make changes so he has more time and energy for himself. It sounds as though he's in a bit of a 'death of a salesman' type rut,flogging himself along till he has made that final payment into the pension fund.

Maybe you should take him to the theatre! (even if it has to be the matinee performance )

PS doesn't mean he would ever want to do long walks mind

Managed a large residential home a few years ago - well run, lovely place. I got a real shock when I saw how many exhausted, barely retirement age women came in to drop their older, fragile and forgetful husbands to day centre or residential respite. I'd never really given age gaps any thought until then...

My gut feeling here is that the age gap is a red herring. It seems more like the Dh has underlying health issues.. He could even be depressed.

Also... He might not be into your new hobbies and may need some encouragement finding his own. It's really hard to balance a tough job with trying to get fit when you are shattered. I can't manage it and I am in my 40s!

I'm in the same position. Mid 40s, dh 15 years older.

He refuses to do anything with me. No dates, meals out, cinema trips, etc in the last 10 years. No holidays.

I'm miserable.

Sad thing is he does a lot of extreme sports with his friends so it's not like he doesn't have the energy.

I resent him and wish I could find the balls to leave or tell him to. I have my own friends and do stuff without him. But we barely talk now. I want to do stuff with a partner. I think I'd happily have an affair if the opportunity arose as I'm so lonely for that sort of intimacy.

Nico, that sounds awful, and good grounds to end the relationship. Having an affair would not be justified though!

My OH is 15 years older than me, and it's only just recently hit home that he will be a pensioner when I'm his age. I'm 31 now. It's really bothering me actually. I'm already irritated by some things like his refusal to move on with tech and minor health issues. Socially he is young, but at home he already seems so old. I don't want to be dealing with the health issues of a pensioner in my 40's. I realise that is selfish.

This thread has worried me on behalf of my son. Earlier this year, at the age of 38 he married a 25 year old. You can imagine that everything is wonderful at the moment, and he is a very active outdoorsy type, but what about in 30 years time? My only consolation - if that is the right word - is that I probably won’t then still be around, or if I am, I probably won’t even know what day of the week it is.

Has he had a check-up with the doctor lately? It may just be him slowing down with age, but he might have some underlying health issues that the right medication could perk him up a bit. I think it's worth checking out as a first port of call.