Feeling bad - Age gap starting to show and i am resenting it

[musicboat]

I’m in my late 40s now, kids left home, DH is 15 years older and we’ve been together since I was 21. We still get on well and have a pretty good life. But the age gap is starting to really show and he is getting more dithery and just wants to stay home, but I still have lots of energy and ambition for work and personal goals he doesn’t want to share doing. I’ve always thought the age gap wouldn’t matter. He says he doesn’t want to hold me back from doing things. Thing is , although he is making an effort, I am starting to feel bad about relationship as there is nothing he can do to fix his age & health. I am starting to resent the situation as I miss us doing things together.
Is there anything we can do to fix things?

The thing is women often do get a second wind as it were in their 40s.
Their libido increases, they are less ties down, they are more confident and stylish and know what they want.
Your dh is a lot older and won't be at the same stage as you.
If I were you I would ask him if he wants to do the activities you want to do with you.
If not go and do them anyway!
You don't have to everything together.

I agree, am always surprised that people insist the age gap will become less significant as you get older.

Yup. Age gap relationships are OK when even the older partner is still quite young. However, when he (it's usually a 'he') transisions from 'older' to just plain 'old' then the problems start. I'm the same age as you and don't think I would consider a 15 years older man as a partner.

And it will only get worse from here. I know a woman in her mid-60s, fit and healthy, still working part time and enjoying her grandchildren. Her partner is in his early 80s with dementia and she is his carer.

I don't want to be dealing with the health issues of a pensioner in my 40's. I realise that is selfish.

I think it's pragmatic

@bubbles108

It is, but the poster who made that comment has chosen to be in a relationship with someone 15 years her senior. If you've chosen to be in a long-term relationship with someone much older, you can't really complain about the age difference when it's not fun anymore. These things can be very easily foreseen.

I agree @IcedPurple

But we all make mistakes and better to be pragmatic now, perhaps?

@bubbles108

Yes I agree. Though I do think that if you're contemplating a long-term relationship and especially having kids with someone much older, you really do need to think long and hard about the realities of age gap relationships when the older partner is no longer a 'silver fox' or 'cougar' but is just plain old.

Agree @IcedPurple

I wouldn't date anyone more than 5 years older or younger. I'm 56

@IcedPurple I do agree with you. I should have foreseen this. I do have young children with my partner. The first conceived when I was using what should have been very reliable contraception, which is why what was supposed to have been something casual jnto something more serious. But there were other options I could have made so I'm not saying it's not on me. And it's too late for me to be pragmatic.

With all due respect people often kid themselves that they are young for their age.
Well maybe so but a 65 year old man is not a 40 year old.
Everything about him will be slowing down whilst his partner at 40 is often in her prime.

Too many women don’t think of the practicalities of being with an older man when they’re younger. I think in this situation it might be better to just lead seperate social lives — no point dragging him out to things he wouldn’t enjoy.

Yep because we live in a patriarchal society which spins the lie that a man's age doesn't matter but a woman's does.
It's the same with fathering a child, the younger the man the better the quality of sperm, yet this fact is rarely highlighted.
If I were the op id do my hobbies whether my dh wanted to or not. You don't have to be joined at the hip.

I think like others if you (both?) just let go of the idea that being in a relationship means you have to do everything together, things will improve immediately. Get on with doing your walks and enjoy telling him all about them. Would he be your support vehicle sometimes? That's really helpful on walking challenges (did the Yorkshire 3 peaks this year, very very hard, oh the joy on sighting my friend's husband drive up in the campervan halfway with hot tea and baps!) Or if you walk in the Pyrenees or whatever would he enjoy a painting/cooking/ beach trip nearby? It's not unusual so there are options out there.

But also i agree that a checkup would be a very good idea. At 60-65 neither my mum nor my dad seemed any different but my mum went to 4 days a week at work which was excellent for her, my dad was still umpiring sports matches and would continue doing so for another 10 years. Big energy losses are worth checking out.

You can't help feeling afraid for the future but he should be the person you talk about those fears with - not 'shit you're old' but 'i really want us to go on enjoying life, how do we do that?'

Nico that's exactly it - I feel like I am a single person in a contractual relationship. No intimacy - the only physical affection I get these days is hugs from my DCs and friends. I realised that it was always me initiating anything physical, and I mean anything, even a kiss good bye or good night so, as an experiment, I stopped. That was over two years ago... I really am not sure that I can live like this for the next 20 years. I have a great circle of friends and I get out and do loads but that isn't what being in a loving relationship should be. And for the pp who mentioned financial stability, that is what I provide so have ended up feeling like a complete cash cow. He is happy to do nothing, invest nothing in our relationship but to live a nice comfortable existence. I suggested counselling (thought he might be depressed) but he says he is perfectly happy with how things are. He seems to have completely forgotten what our relationship was like when he was my age and couldn't care less how I feel as long as his life continues with minimum effort for him.