Low Level (?) emotional abuse of DCs by STBXH - WWYD?

[MsNoMoreShit]

I’ll try and keep this short.

Am middle of divorcing STBXH. We still co own the house. We have ‘custody’ arrangements in place following his insistence. He’s barely there. Just comes back to do his alternate weekends and one midweek night.

DC are 6 & 8

For years he has had anger issues that he takes out on the kids. He has never malicious hit them. He shouts at them, screams at them, grabs them tight and gets right in their faces with vile angry expressions. He argues with them like they are his peers. He talks to them like they are adults. But he demands they respect him and “you will listen to your father”. They don’t. He has marked them in the past. Either with play fighting that he has mishandled or grabbing them, lifting them up etc.

These episodes flair up every now and then and he promises to change etc.

The children have begged me to not leave them with him. Have expressed concern about being with him without me. They have once before said they wished he was dead or locked in a room forever.

When they are not with him they never ask to call him. Or even decline to call them when it’s offered. They don’t miss him, or look forward to seeing him.

This behaviour of his isn’t all the time. The children are generally happy enough in his company. They get to do lots of things and see his family lots.

No one else knows this side of him. I’ve told some close friends and I get the impression they think I’m over reacting. His family all think he is wonderful and I am hysterical.

He also does things like tells the children it’s not fair on him that he sees them less. Uses language in front of them like “it’s my weekend” or “I’ve got you tonight”. I can’t discuss his parenting with him without him shouting and screaming and swearing at me.

Last night he put the children to bed while I was out of the house (I have to leave the house while he is there to look after the children). He called me to tell me he felt bad for upsetting the children and making them cry. Apparently it’s because the ‘state’ of the house stresses him out. He said I was teaching them to be “dirty scuzzy whores”. DD left a note for me saying “you have no idea how he tortures us”. DS this morning said STBXH had got angry and “wrestled” him. DS said it hurt. He also stopped them from calling me.

Our house is in the process of being sold but is yet to exchange. I don’t have a job and only have a few thousand pounds. I’m paying 1/2 the household costs and can’t afford to move out until at least contracts and been exchanged.

Leaving the DCs with him feels like feeding them to the lions. What I really want to do is pick them up and move them far enough away so that his contact, and hopefully toxic influence, is signifcantly lessened.

I’ve asked to speak with my solicitor but I don’t think that will be today.

What do I do? Ride it up and up sticks when the house sells? Call SS???

(Sorry not at all short)

Can you get a couple of nanny cams and dot them around the house? From what you’ve said he provides the care in your home still. Don’t tell the children they are there. See what it comes up with.

I am absolutely disgusted at ss, I'm so sorry for You all.
Why aren't men like this stopped straight away.
Why doesn't the law protect them, so

A friend of mine has reported her H for coercive control - no bruises. They took her seriously. If you didn't get anywhere with SS try NSPCC and see what they say.

I’ve tried SS I’ve tried NSPCC I’ve spoken to the schools - all day their hands are tied unless the children say something

I called the police last night but they didn’t turn up despite saying they would. I’ll call them today.

I have a video listening to the children saying he hits them and they are frightened. I also have a video from this morning from the little one saying he doesn’t like it when his dad comes round, he’s scared of him all the time and that his dad hurts him.

Father is saying his going to collect children today and there’s nothing I can do

Well your children need to say something to someone other than you

Have you asked them why they didn’t say anything when asked at school?

Obviously you’re their Mum so they feel safe and comfortable telling you. But perhaps you need to spell it out to them that you can’t lrotect them unless they also tell someone else.

It sucks but it sounds like that’s how it is

I don’t want it to look like I’ve coerced them though later on so it’s a fine line.

I think they both know now 🤞🏻

Childline number, 999 and our address is on the wall next to the phone now.

I’m tempted to post the videos in my Facebook. See if other people’s shock might help?

No don’t do that

Show them to police and/or safeguarding lead at school

Wtf op do not post on Facebook

Do not post on Facebook. You are opening a can of worms if you do.

Really unfair on your children also to have that in the public domain.

God this is horrible. Why do you have to leave the house? Is it a formal agreement or your his imposition?
If you can stay you would be able to call the police if his behaviour escalates. It breaks my heart to think of the children helpless on their own and convincing themselves it must be normal as no one does anything about it. I hope you find a solution to keep yourself and the children safe.

I've been in a similar situation and sometimes it is a process that takes some time to work through. Don't panic or feel you are failing them. Sometimes you have to build a case. It's truly horrible to feel that your dcs are in a bad situation while this is happening, but every day is a day closer to a solution.

• Keep a record of everything your dcs tell you (including dates) and photos of any marks. If there are marks, I'd also suggest taking them to the GP. Report each time to the SS and the police and keep a record.

• Keep in touch with the school. In my case, someone at school overheard my dd saying something about her father to another child. The school then went directly to SS to report a concern. This was hugely influential in court, as it was coming from a professional third party and not from me. The same thing would apply to a GP report about any evidence of marks - courts and social workers feel more at ease with independent professional reports rather than a report from a divorcing spouse.

• Remind your dcs that they don't need to keep secrets. It shouldn't be framed as "You should tell the school about daddy", but rather "If there is something you're worried about, who can you tell at school?"

• I don't know if you and your solicitor have things in train for a court order, but this will be the opportunity to make your concerns known. The better the evidence you have at this stage, the better your chances of limiting unsupervised contact.

You're not failing them just because you can't wave a magic wand and make it happen all at once. Keep your nerve and keep going.

I don't think standard solicitors really understand what is going on in these situations. I really think you should ring Women's Aid. They have specialist solicitors who will deal with this properly, and if there's been abuse it's often free. You need a non molestation order for you and the dc ASAP. Women's aid can get that in place for you quickly.

The reality here is that your little children are in an abusive relationship with an adult man.